I feel infected

[Depression = 72% of members]

I need to get this out and I know you all understand. My nightmare relationship lasted less than a year. She discarded me quite a long time ago, tried to recycle or "reach out" or whatever a couple of weeks later, but I cut her off saying I wouldn't communicate until she was ready to talk with me about the way she had treated me at the end. Even now, so many months after I dropped off my exuBPDgf at her residential recovery place... .thoughts of how angry I am at her invade my mind daily. I just saw an untagged picture of her on social media accidentally so I'm probably a little triggered by that, plus I only recently figured out the BPD part so it is all dredging up again. But I'm so not free yet. It is just this horrible tumor in my past, the fact that it all happened, that I trusted her and let her into my heart, that she had access to my secret realms. I thought I knew her but she was literally a parasite who lied to me about everything a person can lie about in order to get her needs met. All while I loved her so honestly, fought so hard for her to have a real shot at healing herself. But she was playing me. I'm still so deeply damaged. I won't even consider dating anyone. I've withdrawn from many things in life and my health is still destroyed. (My health is screwed from the stress after multiple psychotic/suicide attempt ordeals with her, and I haven't regained my health despite a year of doctor visits, therapy and doing all the right things. The stress also brought on a chronic difficult-to-treat physical illness, which I'm prone to because of a previous condition.) My friends cannot understand. Sometimes I think I'm done with it, I've healed... .and then it all comes back. It's like a chronic infection, a bacteria that won't die. I feel colonized. The relationship is long over but the damage still plays out every single day in my life. There are no fond memories, no wistful sentiment... .just pain and disgust at her violation of my soul and the fact that I let it all happen. And that she never ever gave a f*ck, not then, not now, not ever. So can I say it's over, I'm done, I'm free, that I haven't stayed with the relationship? Not really. There have been breaks, but the harm just keeps ringing like a bell through my life and sometimes I feel like I will never succeed in making it stop. It's like this is just what life is for me now because I won't ever be able to just get this invasion out of me. It's like rape. And I know, because I've lived through that too and this feels so similar.

[VeraTrue]

I need to get this out and I know you all understand. My nightmare relationship lasted less than a year. She discarded me quite a long time ago, tried to recycle or "reach out" or whatever a couple of weeks later, but I cut her off saying I wouldn't communicate until she was ready to talk with me about the way she had treated me at the end. Even now, so many months after I dropped off my exuBPDgf at her residential recovery place... .thoughts of how angry I am at her invade my mind daily. I just saw an untagged picture of her on social media accidentally so I'm probably a little triggered by that, plus I only recently figured out the BPD part so it is all dredging up again. But I'm so not free yet. It is just this horrible tumor in my past, the fact that it all happened, that I trusted her and let her into my heart, that she had access to my secret realms. I thought I knew her but she was literally a parasite who lied to me about everything a person can lie about in order to get her needs met. All while I loved her so honestly, fought so hard for her to have a real shot at healing herself. But she was playing me. I'm still so deeply damaged. I won't even consider dating anyone. I've withdrawn from many things in life and my health is still destroyed. (My health is screwed from the stress after multiple psychotic/suicide attempt ordeals with her, and I haven't regained my health despite a year of doctor visits, therapy and doing all the right things. The stress also brought on a chronic difficult-to-treat physical illness, which I'm prone to because of a previous condition.) My friends cannot understand. Sometimes I think I'm done with it, I've healed... .and then it all comes back. It's like a chronic infection, a bacteria that won't die. I feel colonized. The relationship is long over but the damage still plays out every single day in my life. There are no fond memories, no wistful sentiment... .just pain and disgust at her violation of my soul and the fact that I let it all happen. And that she never ever gave a f*ck, not then, not now, not ever. So can I say it's over, I'm done, I'm free, that I haven't stayed with the relationship? Not really. There have been breaks, but the harm just keeps ringing like a bell through my life and sometimes I feel like I will never succeed in making it stop. It's like this is just what life is for me now because I won't ever be able to just get this invasion out of me. It's like rape. And I know, because I've lived through that too and this feels so similar.

[JohnLove]

Hello VeraTrue, I am sorry to hear of your prolonged suffering. You are right about one thing. We feel emotionally violated when a relationship with a pwBPD collapses. I feel I may have stomach ulcers.

I hope you make progress with your condition. Get well soon. 

[VeraTrue]

Thanks, JohnLove. It comes and goes... .today just isn't one of the good days. Sorry about your ulcers. May we both heal well.

[Scopikaz]

It's been two plus months for me and I keep obsessing over her. So I don't know either how i will be down the road. Of course I keep making contact which prolongs it. So eventually maybe I will get to where I go full no contact too. 

Anyhow hang In there. I wish I could offer words of wisdom. But other than things you already know all I can do is say I'll pray for you.