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Author Topic: Six months out...  (Read 628 times)
gomez_addams
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Almost divorced
Posts: 284


« on: February 01, 2016, 02:51:48 AM »

Not sure if this is the right board.  It was this or "self-reflection"... .

Been divorced from the uBPDxw roughly six months now.  Almost NC, minus one or two financial issues where I had to respond.  Kept it BIFF.  I get e-mails roughly once or twice a month from her.  Always attempts to start a conversation (was thinking of me, wishes I would talk to her).

As for me, I feel like I've taken several steps back.  Not doing well at the job.  Not doing well at home.  I block out 90% of my thoughts of her, but I sometimes catch myself telling myself the things she used to accuse me of (whether it was gaslighting or legitimate).  I'm lazy.  I don't care about XYZ.  I'm a slob.  I'm selfish.  I overeat.  (this was a big one, as she has an eating disorder).

I had done about 18-ish months of therapy during the deciding/divorcing stages, but my therapist moved away, and after a few appointments the new therapist said I was good to go.  That would have been around October or so.

I really feel like I'm in a bad place.  I have dreams that she shows up unannounced.  Maybe once a week or so.  I feel the same crushing anxiety over little things that I felt when she was threatening to make false allegations (or bringing up one of us dying).

I'm really having trouble focusing.

Ugh.  I'm sure there's plenty of progress along the way.  She's a few time zones from me.  I don't give in to the e-mails, and I'm going to work on migrating to a new e-mail (but that is a PITA, and will take a while).

Tomorrow morning I'm going to make an appointment with the therapist again.

Thanks for listening.

Gomez
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gomez_addams
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Almost divorced
Posts: 284


« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2016, 02:59:37 AM »

I guess if there's a positive, there's no way I could ever envision going back to her. 

I sometimes miss her.  I sometimes miss her when I'm hurting and feeling vulnerable.

That said, I can't imagine a scenario where I'd allow myself to get sucked in again. 
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valet
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« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2016, 08:10:10 AM »

Hey gomez, I'm sorry that you feel bad right now. It sounds like you still have a bit of work to do.

To give you a little bit of perspective, when I was 6 months out my head felt just as scrambled as yours might. It's not that long of a period of time to absorb and process a perceived huge loss like this. Try not to be so hard on yourself about lingering feelings. You will have to feel them if you want to heal.

I think it's great to acknowledge your progress so far. It sounds like you're not trying to reconcile and are taking steps to protect yourself. In time those feelings of anxiety will pass. Try and remember that they are only feelings. Talk about it with your therapist if you have to! I find that it's easier for me to focus on immediate concerns when I spend some time investigating my own feelings through conversation or introspection.

And yeah, of course you miss her a little. It sounds like she was important to you. It's in our nature to recollect important people and places sometimes. These things are part of who we are.

Hope your feeling better today! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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gomez_addams
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Almost divorced
Posts: 284


« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2016, 08:58:09 AM »

Thanks, Valet.
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Rmbrworst
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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Posts: 199


« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2016, 10:11:04 AM »

Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad.

Even though you had therapy already, maybe now you should tell your therapist you are focused on "no contact" and you need help staying strong and not being "charmed" back into conversations and or any type of relationship with this person.

It sounds like NC will be good for you so that you can process the divorce, the relationship, on your own terms and your own time, without distraction

Wishing you the best
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steelwork
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« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2016, 10:25:31 AM »

I remember 6 months into (essentially) no contact, having a surge of feelings that felt like being back at square 1. Just saying... .not that I'm a model of recovery (obv) but I emerged from that "setback" feeling different--in my case, more in touch with my real wishes (longing vs wanting). Maybe you're having a growth spurt? Take care. You're doing good work fpr yourself.
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joeramabeme
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
Posts: 995



« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2016, 08:22:22 PM »

gomez_addams

Your post caught my eye as I am 6 months separated and 1 month divorced from an 11 year marriage / 15 year relationship. 

As others have said here, go easy on yourself, this is really difficult stuff.  I wanted to add a few things to what others have already said.

I believe society - in general - treats divorce with an attitude that it is a one-time event (court date) and once completed it is time to move on.  I constantly hear things like; you are a good looking guy who is smart and good sense of humor you will meet someone else.  Ouch!  I already met someone that I had dedicated my life to, my life dreams were tied into this commitment and they are gone.  You wouldn't say this to someone whose spouse just died - divorce is really no different.

I mention this because these subtle messages play in our psyche and leave us feeling as if there is something wrong with us for processing taking too long to process the pain of a major life loss.  The point I want to make is that I have found it helpful to find others that have been or are going through a divorce for support.  meetup.com has lots of listings of divorce support groups in my area, have you thought about trying this?

Also, I too have dreams about her, struggle to focus, feel despair and wonder when this will all end and sometimes just want to crawl under a rock.  Alongside of this; I have made progress.  Divorce from a pwBPD means you have two large tasks at once; divorce and learning about BPD.  Each one is a draining task as is, taken together means you will really need time to process and feel back to full energy.

I have been in therapy for awhile; in the marriage and through the divorce - really glad I have been and have no intention of leaving any time soon.  No shame.  I will take all the help I can get. 

My ex discarded me - literally, like I never existed.  Crushes me every time I think about it.  And I too have a mental recording of the things she badgered me about that plays from time to time even now that she is gone.  Hard to believe that she had such a long list of things that Joe did that needed to change and in the end she could have really cared less about and simply used them to project her unhappiness onto me.  Big awareness' from all this. 

Six months is not a lot time. Keep posting out here.

I have found solace in doing the most simplest things that I enjoy; going for walks outdoors and playing guitar.  Some days all I can get to is the ice cream.  I am not judging it - just accepting the difficulty that it is for me and moving forward the only way I know how.  Try not to judge yourself. 
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gomez_addams
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Almost divorced
Posts: 284


« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2016, 11:52:39 PM »

Thanks, everyone.

I was able to score an appointment with my therapist, and we went over everything that's going on with me personally.  We're also set up with an appointment next week.

I realized I was blocking stuff out instead of dealing with them, and it was getting worse and worse.

I'm really grateful for this message board.

Gomez
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parisian
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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Posts: 237


« Reply #8 on: February 02, 2016, 05:45:46 AM »

Hey Gomez, hang in there buddy 

Six months is really only early days when recovering from a Borderline relationship. Is hard to be patient I know. These are not normal relationships of course, that most people will be upset for a little while, and then move forwards quickly. There is much psychological mud to slough through and sounds like you're making great progress with seeing a T.

I hope you can find something fun and distracting to fill some time until all the *fleas* disappear... .PD traits

Be kind to you.
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