My thinking is not making sense?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone, I joined this site 2 years ago when I divorced a pwBPD.  From that moment on I have been in trauma therapy doing EMDR taking care of the trauma incurred when I was a child by my father, and then 3 deployments that caused me to have PTSD. 

I am 41 yo, 18.5 years in the  Arrmy, Blackhawk pilot, and retiring in a year and a half.

I was officially divorced in September 2014 and was feeling actually relieved.  Sad but relieved and understood she had pwBPD as my Counselor suggested she might have it but was never clinically seen, her brother and pastor reiterated describing her which sounded like a list from the DSM manual.

After that divorce I promised myself at least a year and half of being single and was feeling fantastic.  I have a very strong faith and promised myself to go SLOW and become FRIENDS FIRST if I meet someone after my year and a half of taking a break.

Fast forward to December 2014 and this somewhat attractive woman who was constantly eyeing me in church messaged me on FB after church one day saying when someone smile and stares at you that they passionately want you.  It kind of freaked me out so my response was that I am not looking to date but really could use a friend.

After Christmas I returned home and she messaged me if she could come over and see me at my apartment.  I said sure, and she came over and was very energetic, personable and had great conversation.  A few days later she asked to come over and she did.  She was sitting on my chair as I was on the couch and told me it was too hard to be just friend as she really wanted to kiss me.  I said no, I am hurting bad from my divorce and just need a friend.  So we hung out a few more times and then on valentines night, she went out on a date and then showed up at my place that night dressed sexy, and came into my apartment when  I answered the door and ravaged me. 

Me being a dumb sad lonely guy didn't say no, I DROPPED MY BOUNDARY!  A few days later I had a conversation with her that I failed and that it wasn't right.  She said ok but it would be hard to be around me not having those thoughts.

I felt like there was something really wrong with her, I wasn't attracted to her, and didn't connect with her.  But I see looking back I was hurt, lonely, and healing from my divorce from a pwBPD.   

I thought she would understand my self healing and working on my PTSD (2 Iraq, 1 Afg) because she is an RN at a behavioral health hospital.

Then a month later she texted me VERY upset that I didn't call her and that I would only text.  I didn't want a relationship, only a friendship, but what does dummy do?  I apologized and started calling.  She had NOT called me once before that text message and very rarely ever called me.

I started to feel violated, and was numb and dead inside but I chalked it up to being out of a divorce and having PTSD.  She said that I was so manly, all man, that when she first saw me in church she got so horny and seemed to only want sex from me.  She was extremely needy affectionate wise and wanted to deeply kiss constantly which normally isn't bad but at this point I felt like something was not right but did I walk away, NO!

I would reiterate to her that I really only wanted a friendship and that I felt so numb and dead inside and didn't have anything to give until I had time to take care of myself.

Everything was fine for a few months but then she started nit picking me and I told her I would become very overwhelmed easily and couldn't deal with conflict at this point.  I returned home from a work trip at 1030PM one night and she wanted to come over.  I said no thanks, I needed to get to bed as I needed get up for work at 0500 the next morning.  the following week I was working on one of my projects in my garage until 1030 PM at night.  I actually felt happy and full for once and texted her that she was awesome, beautiful and to have a good night - her response - Why are you still up late? then went silent.

The next day I told her I couldn't do the conflict and we are done.  I went three weeks happy and no thoughts of her until the night before I leave she shows up at my door dressed sexy and walks in, pushes me on the couch and tells me not to say a word and just enjoy it and she doesn't care if anyone is in the back room.  I felt violated by my privacy and sexually - but did I say no again - NO! 

In church she is so passionate about God, she is in our small groups, and her house is decorated Christian and I would tell her this is not right for us, but she said she only needed affection but then later on would always come onto me and I never stood up for my boundaries.

She would describe to me her past relationships how she spent 2 1/2 years with a man who beat her often to the point of going to the hospital once (she is an RN), but would explain how affection he was and how great the sex was. She was married before that for 8 years and divorced her husband in middle of building a $300k home on a lake because he was not affectionate (same excuse to me).  I felt that was not right, you would know you don't want a marriage cause of that before building the home.

Finally, on December 12, 2015 we went to 5 wineries on a Saturday, I was starting to open up and think maybe this is the one and we had so much fun that day.  The next day after an NFL game I found out later she went to with three guys she walked in my house and was very angry and said she didn't think I was the man for her.  I immediately said I wasn't and she was shocked and walked out.

I found after she left:

1.  I lost 20 lbs.

2.  The pain in my back and hip are gone

3.  The numbness and deadness I felt when I was with her is gone and I felt a zest and love for life

I went a month of peace and happiness but I texted her that I had  shirt and some of her stuff at my house and didn't want to be disrespectful and wanted to give it back to her.  She wrote me back a scathing email stating:

1.  I was so very unaffectionate and she was tired of hearing how I was hurting.

2.  How I have too many issues.

3.  How she didn't know what I wanted and was so confused and stopped caring for me.

4.  How she is in a normal relationship (under a month broken up from us) and how he is normal and what they have is normal and how what we had was not and how I'm weird and never met anyone like me.

Since that email, now I'm ruminating about her, hurting bad inside, and hate myself for dropping my boundaries.  She is 7 years older, 48 yo, an RN, somewhat attractive but I was never really attracted to her.

I feel so stupid, I didn't even want her, I really enjoyed the conversation, friendship, and didn't want a relationship.  Now I feel like my repair from my marriage is delayed a whole year and now its worse than before.

I have watched every youtube page, millions of websites and my counselor told me all year she was worried about her having attachment issues and that I need to let her go.  This past week my counselor looked at me and said she has great probability of borderline.

I am sorry this is so long. 

Why do I feel dumb?  Why do I want someone now when I didn't want then when I was with them (I realize its past wounds from my childhood) but now I need to start over in my healing?  I just want to cry and go to sleep and never wake up. 

[dustin74]

Hello everyone, I joined this site 2 years ago when I divorced a pwBPD.  From that moment on I have been in trauma therapy doing EMDR taking care of the trauma incurred when I was a child by my father, and then 3 deployments that caused me to have PTSD. 

I am 41 yo, 18.5 years in the  Arrmy, Blackhawk pilot, and retiring in a year and a half.

I was officially divorced in September 2014 and was feeling actually relieved.  Sad but relieved and understood she had pwBPD as my Counselor suggested she might have it but was never clinically seen, her brother and pastor reiterated describing her which sounded like a list from the DSM manual.

After that divorce I promised myself at least a year and half of being single and was feeling fantastic.  I have a very strong faith and promised myself to go SLOW and become FRIENDS FIRST if I meet someone after my year and a half of taking a break.

Fast forward to December 2014 and this somewhat attractive woman who was constantly eyeing me in church messaged me on FB after church one day saying when someone smile and stares at you that they passionately want you.  It kind of freaked me out so my response was that I am not looking to date but really could use a friend.

After Christmas I returned home and she messaged me if she could come over and see me at my apartment.  I said sure, and she came over and was very energetic, personable and had great conversation.  A few days later she asked to come over and she did.  She was sitting on my chair as I was on the couch and told me it was too hard to be just friend as she really wanted to kiss me.  I said no, I am hurting bad from my divorce and just need a friend.  So we hung out a few more times and then on valentines night, she went out on a date and then showed up at my place that night dressed sexy, and came into my apartment when  I answered the door and ravaged me. 

Me being a dumb sad lonely guy didn't say no, I DROPPED MY BOUNDARY!  A few days later I had a conversation with her that I failed and that it wasn't right.  She said ok but it would be hard to be around me not having those thoughts.

I felt like there was something really wrong with her, I wasn't attracted to her, and didn't connect with her.  But I see looking back I was hurt, lonely, and healing from my divorce from a pwBPD.   

I thought she would understand my self healing and working on my PTSD (2 Iraq, 1 Afg) because she is an RN at a behavioral health hospital.

Then a month later she texted me VERY upset that I didn't call her and that I would only text.  I didn't want a relationship, only a friendship, but what does dummy do?  I apologized and started calling.  She had NOT called me once before that text message and very rarely ever called me.

I started to feel violated, and was numb and dead inside but I chalked it up to being out of a divorce and having PTSD.  She said that I was so manly, all man, that when she first saw me in church she got so horny and seemed to only want sex from me.  She was extremely needy affectionate wise and wanted to deeply kiss constantly which normally isn't bad but at this point I felt like something was not right but did I walk away, NO!

I would reiterate to her that I really only wanted a friendship and that I felt so numb and dead inside and didn't have anything to give until I had time to take care of myself.

Everything was fine for a few months but then she started nit picking me and I told her I would become very overwhelmed easily and couldn't deal with conflict at this point.  I returned home from a work trip at 1030PM one night and she wanted to come over.  I said no thanks, I needed to get to bed as I needed get up for work at 0500 the next morning.  the following week I was working on one of my projects in my garage until 1030 PM at night.  I actually felt happy and full for once and texted her that she was awesome, beautiful and to have a good night - her response - Why are you still up late? then went silent.

The next day I told her I couldn't do the conflict and we are done.  I went three weeks happy and no thoughts of her until the night before I leave she shows up at my door dressed sexy and walks in, pushes me on the couch and tells me not to say a word and just enjoy it and she doesn't care if anyone is in the back room.  I felt violated by my privacy and sexually - but did I say no again - NO! 

In church she is so passionate about God, she is in our small groups, and her house is decorated Christian and I would tell her this is not right for us, but she said she only needed affection but then later on would always come onto me and I never stood up for my boundaries.

She would describe to me her past relationships how she spent 2 1/2 years with a man who beat her often to the point of going to the hospital once (she is an RN), but would explain how affection he was and how great the sex was. She was married before that for 8 years and divorced her husband in middle of building a $300k home on a lake because he was not affectionate (same excuse to me).  I felt that was not right, you would know you don't want a marriage cause of that before building the home.

Finally, on December 12, 2015 we went to 5 wineries on a Saturday, I was starting to open up and think maybe this is the one and we had so much fun that day.  The next day after an NFL game I found out later she went to with three guys she walked in my house and was very angry and said she didn't think I was the man for her.  I immediately said I wasn't and she was shocked and walked out.

I found after she left:

1.  I lost 20 lbs.

2.  The pain in my back and hip are gone

3.  The numbness and deadness I felt when I was with her is gone and I felt a zest and love for life

I went a month of peace and happiness but I texted her that I had  shirt and some of her stuff at my house and didn't want to be disrespectful and wanted to give it back to her.  She wrote me back a scathing email stating:

1.  I was so very unaffectionate and she was tired of hearing how I was hurting.

2.  How I have too many issues.

3.  How she didn't know what I wanted and was so confused and stopped caring for me.

4.  How she is in a normal relationship (under a month broken up from us) and how he is normal and what they have is normal and how what we had was not and how I'm weird and never met anyone like me.

Since that email, now I'm ruminating about her, hurting bad inside, and hate myself for dropping my boundaries.  She is 7 years older, 48 yo, an RN, somewhat attractive but I was never really attracted to her.

I feel so stupid, I didn't even want her, I really enjoyed the conversation, friendship, and didn't want a relationship.  Now I feel like my repair from my marriage is delayed a whole year and now its worse than before.

I have watched every youtube page, millions of websites and my counselor told me all year she was worried about her having attachment issues and that I need to let her go.  This past week my counselor looked at me and said she has great probability of borderline.

I am sorry this is so long. 

Why do I feel dumb?  Why do I want someone now when I didn't want then when I was with them (I realize its past wounds from my childhood) but now I need to start over in my healing?  I just want to cry and go to sleep and never wake up. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey dustin74, I'm sorry to hear all that you've been through.  I suggest that you start practicing kindness towards yourself.  Don't beat yourself up!  It doesn't seem like your latest r/s was meant to be, so I suggest that you let it go and move on (easier said than done, I know).  I sense that on some level you have concerns that you have done something "wrong."  Do you have such concerns?  Why are you judging yourself harshly?  I also suggest that you spend time listening to your gut feelings.  Make your life a journey towards authenticity, a continual pursuit of your personal truths.  Become who you are, as Nietzsche puts it.  Does this make sense?

LuckyJim

[Conundrum]

Why do I feel dumb?  Why do I want someone now when I didn't want then when I was with them (I realize its past wounds from my childhood) but now I need to start over in my healing?  I just want to cry and go to sleep and never wake up. 

Hullo, your profession is one where mistakes may carry dire penalties that can cost lives. Near perfection, under extreme duress is required. You do not have to apply those same rigid standards to your personal life. It's setting the bar unrealistically high.

Wanting female companionship beyond friendship is not shameful. Whether you exceeded your preferences with her is not something that is aberrational. It happens to many of us at certain times. It certainly appears that she came on strong and pushed the envelope with you. From your description she sounds very conflicted and a bit of a mess. The appearance of religiosity seems to conflict with the way she behaved with you. More than likely she has some sort of inner turmoil that is not a reflection upon you--at all. Her last email sounds straight up as if she is projecting her issues upon you. Are you defined by her jumbled thoughts and emotions. Of course not, those are her problems--not yours.

It sounds as if you've been working on yourself. Good job. Don't let this experience derail your achievements. Your over-arching mission is more important than this episode. I wish you well.           

[adventurer]

Maybe you let a boundary slip here and there, but it sounds like you have come a LONG way from where you were.  This woman seems to have quite a bit of red flags that you picked up on and successfully avoided getting entangled in a relationship with her.

I understand how you can feel dumb but from my perspective you should feel pretty good.  Yes, the work continues but you are still miles away from being way back on square one.  We are all human and we are all imperfect.  I don't know you but reading this story I feel pretty proud of you.

[VeraTrue]

Dustin, I know you feel down on yourself right now, and that you could have avoided all this. But look, I think you did pretty good. You didn't go farther into her crazymaking when she really tried to pull you there. You are clearly a ridiculously strong individual who has a ton of inner strength, and you were at a crossroads, a painful transition period. You also have beautiful human needs for companionship and understanding, to be wanted, to be seen. Those aren't wrong desires! She used them against you to cross your boundaries, and eventually you wouldn't let her do that anymore. That last email she sent was her having the last word, basically. It was her flipping the script so she could feel that it was she who ended things. She can imagine that as much as she wants, it won't make it true. You stood up for yourself, and you showed respect and kindness. There's nothing wrong with you.

[dustin74]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind replies!  Yes, I am very grateful for the sick feeling I had the whole time and keeping my guard up.  I'm also grateful I didn't lose too much.  I am starting to feel proud I didn't tell her I loved her or I went to head deep into the relationship.  I started thinking tonight although I wanted this year and a half alone to heal, this might be a blessing in disguise and a valuable lesson during this year of healing that I may not have had if I didn't go through this!

Thank you so much for your kindness!

[VeraTrue]

I started thinking tonight although I wanted this year and a half alone to heal, this might be a blessing in disguise and a valuable lesson during this year of healing that I may not have had if I didn't go through this!

I'm happy to see this! It is true, so true, that healing is not always what we think it will look like. God knows what we need to heal, and gives it to us till we are smart or brave enough to take it, I suppose. Now you know you can trust yourself and your perceptions in a romantic relationship. You can count on yourself. 

[dustin74]

Thank you VeraTrue!  Exactly what my counselor told me last time.  Last year after my divorce my counselor warned me as we were doing EMDR therapy that another narcissist would come into my life as a test.  I didn't believe her but now I see it was a test.  Although I went further than I wanted to, unlike the past I had my guard up the whole time cause my intuition was screaming, I didn't open up my heart too much and didn't lose anything.  My counselor said this was evil coming into my life but God allowing it to see how I would handle it.  I am feeling proud that I did better than before.  She also warned me that now that I am strong and the warning signs are clearer, that another may come into my life but she is confident I can say NO without feeling bad, sticking by my boundaries and leaving if the person is not healthy and does not respect that.  Thank you for all your replies!  Just feels like releasing pain to those that understand and I hope my story can help others.

[Herodias]

Hi Dustin74, It doesn't seem fair that we continue to be tested and tested... .but I think your counselor is correct. I watched a friend of mine just go through this as well. Although, she started dating him pretty quick after her divorce and it took her about 6 months to see it... .It ended badly. I was glad I recognized it in him two weeks of her dating him. I wished she would have listened, but we all have lessons to learn. I had a guy from my divorce group at church that set off red flags immediately. I think it helps to learn all we can to avoid these people in the future. I have spent the last year learning everything I can. Now I am not phased by my STBX husbands attempt to upset me or manipulate me. I don't feel like dating either. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Maybe the more comfortable with ourselves we become, the better we will be in a relationship when the time is right. I think the comment made earlier about your career requiring perfection is a good one. You are being really hard on yourself. We are all only human and it is nice to have someone in our lives. We just need to be careful. Study what you can. I keep reading knowledge is power and I really see that is true now. I am sorry you went through all you have, but it sounds like you are becoming stronger and stronger. Thank you for sharing and be good to yourself. You deserve good things and good people... .always know that.

[Rmbrworst]

You are being far too hard on yourself.  You are aware of your boundaries and you're aware of your "failings" (I don't like that word in this situation, way too negative).

Collect yourself and reinforce your boundaries and stick to them.  You are very self aware and you sound very strong.  So you slipped up or you gave into your desires in the heat of the moment.

It's okay you're human!

Best wishes.

[dustin74]

Thank you BlueHeron and Rmbrworst! 

I am reading a book called self compassion recommended by my counselor and its great.  With retirement coming soon I am trying to learn to relax and love myself again.

My heart goes out to those of you that are just coming out of this situation.  BlueHeron it sounds like you are on the right track also. 

Thank you again for your encouragement!