Consequences of breaking NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi there,

A few days ago I expressed on this board how still wrecked I have been after breaking up with my exBPDgf two-three years ago. Some people reacted to my desperate "help me out" message for which I am very thankful.

Although I am still I guess a bit depressed, sad and feel like a zombie from the failed relationship with my ex, I wanted to contribute from my own experience to all those who feel the same as I do.

While reading some posts around I am surprised how many people break their NC and get back sucked into the toxic relationship with their exBPDgfs/bfs before they know it.

One thing that struck me is that many seem to ignore that pwBPD are extremely persevering, convincing and tenacious to get what they want.

Now, this is, from my own experience, how I see things. Imagine yourself as a device full of buttons. Each button represents a particular emotional feeling. During the relationship, as you had opened your heart to your exBPDgf/bf they know you by heart and are excellent at mirroring to suit all the things you wish come true. They had made you believed in magic, wonder, paradise, until everything went down to hell. And from the moment you realized that the only way out of the toxic relationship is to initiate NC, your exBPDgf/bf will try to push every single emotional button that you possess to suck you back into their toxic relationship. Not only they will try to push every single button, but they'll try to push as many times as necessary. So for example if they push it 50 times and you only react when they push it for the 51st time, they know that they have to push 51 times the button to make you react.

Pushing buttons can be in form of rage, sadness, lonliness, or even of a perfectly sound and seemingly healthy e-mail full of "I'm sorry for everything I've done to you" and "you're the only one who really understood me, you're my soulmate".

My advice to all those who hesitate whether to break the NC or not is: do not break it! They may see NC as a punishment, but in reality, it is not a punishment! It is the bitter pill to swallow in order to get better. Breaking NC can only drag you into neverending trouble.

The reason why we all feel -after awhile- we can allow ourselves to break NC is because we tend to be forgiving and 

we always hope that our exBPDgf/bf changed or came to their senses. Unfortunately, BPD is a serious illness and needs years and years of thoroughly followed appropriate therapy. It's heartbreaking, but there is nothing we can really do about it, except one thing: set the limits for our loved ones, because they are unable to do it by themselves.

Don't give in. Try to mourn, and if it can help you, compare all the e-mails copy-pasted on this board, and soon you'll realize how all those e-mails from exBPDgf/bf are similar.

I don't wish to sound heartless, but our loved ones with BPD must first get better by investing their time and focusing on appropriate therapies before committing into a stable relationship if ever that is actually possible. They make us believe that we are the ones who make them happy, but IMHO, they will never be happy as long as thye are not happy first within themselves. No matter how hard we try to save them from the sinkig ship, they seem to drag us down with the sinking ship.   

I know that within us there is this constant battle between our heart and reason, but in a case of a toxic relationship with a pwBPD we should listen to our reason.

[Driver]

Hi there,

A few days ago I expressed on this board how still wrecked I have been after breaking up with my exBPDgf two-three years ago. Some people reacted to my desperate "help me out" message for which I am very thankful.

Although I am still I guess a bit depressed, sad and feel like a zombie from the failed relationship with my ex, I wanted to contribute from my own experience to all those who feel the same as I do.

While reading some posts around I am surprised how many people break their NC and get back sucked into the toxic relationship with their exBPDgfs/bfs before they know it.

One thing that struck me is that many seem to ignore that pwBPD are extremely persevering, convincing and tenacious to get what they want.

Now, this is, from my own experience, how I see things. Imagine yourself as a device full of buttons. Each button represents a particular emotional feeling. During the relationship, as you had opened your heart to your exBPDgf/bf they know you by heart and are excellent at mirroring to suit all the things you wish come true. They had made you believed in magic, wonder, paradise, until everything went down to hell. And from the moment you realized that the only way out of the toxic relationship is to initiate NC, your exBPDgf/bf will try to push every single emotional button that you possess to suck you back into their toxic relationship. Not only they will try to push every single button, but they'll try to push as many times as necessary. So for example if they push it 50 times and you only react when they push it for the 51st time, they know that they have to push 51 times the button to make you react.

Pushing buttons can be in form of rage, sadness, lonliness, or even of a perfectly sound and seemingly healthy e-mail full of "I'm sorry for everything I've done to you" and "you're the only one who really understood me, you're my soulmate".

My advice to all those who hesitate whether to break the NC or not is: do not break it! They may see NC as a punishment, but in reality, it is not a punishment! It is the bitter pill to swallow in order to get better. Breaking NC can only drag you into neverending trouble.

The reason why we all feel -after awhile- we can allow ourselves to break NC is because we tend to be forgiving and 

we always hope that our exBPDgf/bf changed or came to their senses. Unfortunately, BPD is a serious illness and needs years and years of thoroughly followed appropriate therapy. It's heartbreaking, but there is nothing we can really do about it, except one thing: set the limits for our loved ones, because they are unable to do it by themselves.

Don't give in. Try to mourn, and if it can help you, compare all the e-mails copy-pasted on this board, and soon you'll realize how all those e-mails from exBPDgf/bf are similar.

I don't wish to sound heartless, but our loved ones with BPD must first get better by investing their time and focusing on appropriate therapies before committing into a stable relationship if ever that is actually possible. They make us believe that we are the ones who make them happy, but IMHO, they will never be happy as long as thye are not happy first within themselves. No matter how hard we try to save them from the sinkig ship, they seem to drag us down with the sinking ship.   

I know that within us there is this constant battle between our heart and reason, but in a case of a toxic relationship with a pwBPD we should listen to our reason.

[Rmbrworst]

Good read thank you!

[bdyw8]

Driver, good post, I agree with you entirely.  You're processing through things which is healthy.  You read every thought in my mind.

What I've struggled with is that I always saw myself as a pretty smart guy able to see through bull.  I can be crafty and manipulative myself.  But the level of manipulation that a pwBPD uses far exceeds my pay grade and it blows my mind to this day that I got played like a fiddle.

I'm at just over a month again of NC and am hoping and praying my exBPD does not come by my place again when her dating doesn't turn out the way she wants it to.  Most afraid that if she does come again I will be too weak to not answer the door.  So hoping to get strength from posts such as yours.

As much as I want to hate my exBPD, I guess I have to see it is a real sickness and find a way to forgive her if I'm ever going to move on.  But I have to forgive her from a distance because we will never move on if we continue to be in contact.  I feel bad for those that have to maintain contact due to children, etc.  That would be very difficult.

[Driver]

Driver, good post, I agree with you entirely.  You're processing through things which is healthy.  You read every thought in my mind.

What I've struggled with is that I always saw myself as a pretty smart guy able to see through bull.  I can be crafty and manipulative myself.  But the level of manipulation that a pwBPD uses far exceeds my pay grade and it blows my mind to this day that I got played like a fiddle.

I'm at just over a month again of NC and am hoping and praying my exBPD does not come by my place again when her dating doesn't turn out the way she wants it to.  Most afraid that if she does come again I will be too weak to not answer the door.  So hoping to get strength from posts such as yours.

As much as I want to hate my exBPD, I guess I have to see it is a real sickness and find a way to forgive her if I'm ever going to move on.  But I have to forgive her from a distance because we will never move on if we continue to be in contact.  I feel bad for those that have to maintain contact due to children, etc.  That would be very difficult.

Thanks Rmbrworst and bdyw8.

@bdyw8,

I am constantly asking myself the question "what is happiness?"

And the answer that pops up in my mind is "being alive and appreciate things as they are and not the things as they aren't."

It's sad, but our exBPDgfs will probably never be what we want them to be. They are as they are. If anyone among us can cope with a rollercoaster relationship then fine. But longing for something that will never be is waste of energy, time and life which is already so short.

When I try to get over, although it's heartaching to accept that our ex loved one has BPD, I try to focus my mind on simple things which I try to appreciate.

For example, I take a piece of chocolate and let it melt in my mouth in order to appreciate the taste to its fullest, I watch a funny cartoon, I go out to the park and appreciate the colorful nature, I play a video game, I do sport with clear objectives to reach (competitions or higher levels), I bug my friends and make some innocent pranks, I listen to music or try to find out new singers, new sounds, new music, etc.

But also, what is very important IMO is to set few goals for the future. I try to see myself in 5 years from now. What do I want and especially what is that I don't want in my life and what am I doing now to achieve those goals?

I also try to talk to the inner child in me. I remember being a child and all the dreams I had when I was a child. Then I try to talk to that child who had dreams and I ask him "is this what you want(ed)?", "shall I continue down the same path or would you rather see me taking a new path full of life and adventure?" Then, my reason, like a wise parent pops up in my mind and tries to help me out a little bit by telling me: "If you want to stop suffering and tormenting yourself, you know very well what's the only solution to do - NC. Take your life back into your hands the way you had it when you were that kiddo who had dreams."

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

^beautiful post.

[JSF13]

Thank you for this great post. I lately keep getting sucked in to the bs that my ex puts me thru. Last night I got so angry I snapped and it effected my entire day today. I hate who my ex turns me into after days of pushing my buttons. I keep hanging on to the part where she idiolized me and treated me well and tend to forget the awful abusive treatment she put me though. The way she pushes my buttons is absolute insanity. But a single other person in my life has ever hurt me how she has. When I try to discuss this behavior with her she flips the whole thing and starts blaming me nonstop and excepts no responsibility. I'm pretty sure she's dropped out of her dbt therapy and doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. Just that she's different. After I got so upset I realized that she won't change and I am really wasting my time and the only one who hurts out of this is myself. It really effects her slim to none. I leave feeling broken and empty and for her she feels empowered for making me feel that way. Breaking NC is an absolute waste of time for me as nothing good will ever come of it. Anything ahe says to me is just bs and is nothing more than a bait to feed her ego to know she still can control me.

[letmeout]

These were some great posts. I resolve to maintain no contact with my ex.

Breaking no contact would only be hurting myself.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

I have 2 weeks left in her country after she kicked me out 2 weeks ago... I haven't contacted her since we broke up, except to acknowledge a long letter she wrote that detailed what a terrible person I am.

I keep thinking about having crazy sex with her and sending a short sharp email that suggests we meet up for a no strings sex fest noting that I have little time left and we should make use of it... .but Im worried that (a) she rejects it and (b) it's just a bad idea to see her again... .But then I think of how crazy good the sex was and want to have one last taste of it before I leave... .

What should I do?

[Driver]

I have 2 weeks left in her country after she kicked me out 2 weeks ago... I haven't contacted her since we broke up, except to acknowledge a long letter she wrote that detailed what a terrible person I am.

I keep thinking about having crazy sex with her and sending a short sharp email that suggests we meet up for a no strings sex fest noting that I have little time left and we should make use of it... .but Im worried that (a) she rejects it and (b) it's just a bad idea to see her again... .But then I think of how crazy good the sex was and want to have one last taste of it before I leave... .

What should I do?

Thank you all for your positivity and I'm glad if my words contributed to your process to healing in any way. Just hang in.

@woofbarkmeowbeep,

Sex. One of the toughest thing to get over! I have no miracle answer for you Woofbark, but here is how I picture sex in my process of healing: "a hypnotizing mermaid song able to materialize in a Trojan Horse from which a praying mantis comes out"! You do know how the male praying mantis ends up. Are you ready to do the same?

So yes, that "sex" button is a very powerful tool they try to push to get us back into the toxic relationship.

The thing is, you never know if they had slept with someone else too. As they have no sane boundaries, they put themselves at risk. Now imagine all the crazy scenarios that are far from impossible. Imagine you pwBPD tells you after having sex: "Oops, sorry, but I forgot to tell you I had had risky relationships!" or few weeks later she calls you and tells you "I'm pregnant." This latter could be real or imaginary just to keep you around. Or what about if they all of sudden paint you in black and sue you for sexual harassment or even rape? This happens when a person doesn't have boundaries and when they see things in black and white.

Ask yourself again the question, is it worthwhile? Allow me to answer for you: NO, it is not. Stay away from those possible risks that could destroy your life irreversibly.

Also, let's not forget that they are good at mirroring, which means that you will never be sure whether the sex is great because they mirrored your fantasy or whether they were having the same fantasy as you while having sex.

As far as I am concerned I prefer this latter. And when come to this latter, trust me, there are people around you who may have same sex fantasies as you but who aren't borderlines and who won't put you at risk.

And if ever you don't find the perfect sexual match for you, but still you enjoy the relationship and the person makes you feel good, well then I come back to the conclusion with my previous post: be happy with what you have and not with what you don't have.

Up to you to weigh all these arguments and take full responsibility for the decisions you take. I'd add don't forget to talk to your inner child (who reflects innocence) and to listen to your inner wise parent reason (who rejects putting you at pointless risk).

[bdyw8]

Driver:

You have no idea how much your comments above have been exactly what I've needed to hear.  The voice of reason in my head typically is just a whisper, while my wounded emotions are screaming at me to buy into the fantasies of the r/s I had with my exBPDgf.   So to hear you say them out loud here gives more volume to reason that I need to hear to heal and move on.  So thank you for that!

Woofbark:

You and I are having much of the same thoughts about sex.  :)river said exactly the same things my counsellor said and that was "do you think this will be the last person you ever have great sex with?"   I feel much the same as you and I desperately want to have that great passionate sex with her too.  Not only that, but I'm SO UTTERLY JEALOUS of the thought of her sharing that with someone else because I had only wanted to share that with her.  The last two years of our relationship the sex was so passionate I NEVER imagined being with another woman ever again.  

I'm so hurt when I think about that.  But I have to agree with Driver again, as the voice of reason, that one day, someone that is better suited will come into our lives and we will have the great sex and a more sane relationship.  

The positives I'm taking are that my exBPD helped me open up a level of sexuality within myself that I can carry forward and share with another woman one day AND share a deeper, more meaningful level of intimacy that I couldn't possible share with a pwBPD.  Sex was the only glue that held my exBPD and I together.  It was the focal point of our relationship and aside from that, it was pretty shallow and empty.  I have to stay fixated on that.

I also agree with Driver about the "mirroring".  It's been helpful to learn this about pwBPD because for the longest time I thought that my ex and I had this magical connection, but I'm now realizing that she was just giving me what she could tell I wanted to keep me on the hook and NEEDING HER desperately.  Silently, I could see that there were HUGE resentments she had towards me about not getting her needs met. And how could I meet her needs when she (a) didn't understand herself well enough to know what her needs were and (b) never communicated openly and honestly with me about her needs anyway.

So the connection we had was not built on honesty but on smoke and mirrors (deceit).

I'm struggling just like many people on this board, so reading this thread gives me renewed strength!  

[Driver]

Thanks bdyw8, glad my words helped you a bit.

We're all on the same boat here, the one that we don't want to sink.

[C.Stein]

Speaking in general here, not to anyone specifically.

The sooner you realize that sex doesn't define a relationship the better off you will be.  Sex is such a small portion of the overall relationship and yet time and time again I see people putting the sex above all else.  Honestly, how much time is spent on sex vs. the rest of the relationship ... .5% at best?  Yet how much importance is it given many times in a relationship... .95%?  

This is not healthy!  In fact this is clear sign the relationship is/was unhealthy and if you find yourself placing this much importance on sex then it is time for some serious introspection.

The things that build and define a healthy relationship are all those moments that come in-between ... .NOT the sex or the special vacations/trips/outings.  

Once you get a grip on this reality you will begin to see things more clearly and perhaps find that healthy relationship we all strive for.

[bdyw8]

Well said C.Stein, I think the reason I put so much emphasis on it this go around was because the sex with my ex wife (not a BPD) was pretty lack-lustre so to have this mind-blowing sex with my exBPDgf was like a drug addiction that I'm currently detoxing from.

I get strength and comfort from hearing words like yours.   After 39 years on this planet, I still don't know what a healthy relationship is, so I'm still learning! 

I've listened to a talk you can purchase on the internet by Terry Gorski - entitled "On relationships" where he talks about the nature of addictive style vs. healthy relationships.  VERY INTERESTING stuff... .   I will post the qualities in another thread perhaps, but here is a link:

https://www.facebook.com/GorskiRecovery/posts/305112269598639

[Driver]

Speaking in general here, not to anyone specifically.

The sooner you realize that sex doesn't define a relationship the better off you will be.  Sex is such a small portion of the overall relationship and yet time and time again I see people putting the sex above all else.  Honestly, how much time is spent on sex vs. the rest of the relationship ... .5% at best?  Yet how much importance is it given many times in a relationship... .95%?  

This is not healthy!  In fact this is clear sign the relationship is/was unhealthy and if you find yourself placing this much importance on sex then it is time for some serious introspection.

The things that build and define a healthy relationship are all those moments that come in-between ... .NOT the sex or the special vacations/trips/outings.  

Once you get a grip on this reality you will begin to see things more clearly and perhaps find that healthy relationship we all strive for.

I agree and disagree.

Disagreement: The percentage is not what is important. We are made of 70% of water, it doesn't mean we ARE water and that the rest of the percentage doesn't count.

In order to have a long term stable relationship, same wave-length sex with our partner is equally important as all the rest or else we risk to end up frustrated and maybe cheat on our partner.

Agreement: Sex doesn't have to be the same as it used to be with our exBPDgf (it could, but it doesn't have to). The most important thing is to feel unworried (had she cheated on me?) in your relationship and to make healthy and acceptable compromises sexually speaking (=I love making love with my loved one and so does she).