"We Just Grew Apart"

[MakingMyWay]

My ex's (undiagnosed waif) reason for dumping me has always confused me. After basically ignoring me for a week, apart from sending goodnight texts and telling me she loved me she barely communicated with me. I didn't see her in real life, since I was studying for some pretty hefty exams. She turned up at my house the day after the last exam, told me to sit down and explained to me that "We've grown apart, so I think we should break up" before pretty much running out of the house and driving off.

We had limited communication since then apart from an incident where I logged into her email account and found messages from her new boyfriend. She'd known this guy for about a month and to my knowledge only saw each other at university. I then messaged her new boyfriend trying to warn him as well as her dad. I also accused her of cheating at this point which I don't believe to be true, but before I knew about BPD that was the only reasoning I could find for why she moved on so fast. This was well before I knew about BPD, but I regret it a lot since it was a horrible thing to do to someone, BPD or not. I've apologized to her for that and she said that she forgives me and would have done the same if the roles were reversed. I've learnt a lot from that and still feel an awful lot of guilt for what I did. 

Her reason for breaking up with me has always confused me a lot. It seems like a pretty reasonable excuse for breaking up with somebody, but to my understanding growing apart is something which both partners are aware of and communicate to each other not something that just springs up out of nowhere. Then a week later she was with a new guy. I ran in to her at uni twice. The first time she initiated, I told her I wasn't ready to talk. The second time I approached her and she was willing to talk. I thought it was a good conversation, she wasn't aggressive at all, but she dodged most of my questions or just didn't respond to them. I asked her again what the reasoning for breaking up with me and moving on so quickly was. She didn't give a reason for moving on so fast, she just apologised for it, but gave the same reasoning of "we just grew apart". She also cited a few issues which I thought were worked out years ago which we hadn't discussed since as reasons why we grew apart. The next day I was accused of stalking her and I've been NC since then (about 5 months)

So how do these reasons fit in under a BPD context? I feel her abandonment fears were somewhat triggered by me having to focus on study rather than her. I thought that was fine, since she still said how much she loved, wanted to be with me forever etc. That continued up until the night before she dumped me. Even after the email incident she maintained that I was a "great guy". She also missed me "as a friend" which indicates to me that I was painted white at some point despite her pretending I didn't exist. Is her reasoning of growing apart just an excuse for her to move on to her new boyfriend without feeling guilty about it?

[Lonely_Astro]

It's possible she's BPD. It's also possible that she's just immature.  People break up for all sorts of reasons.  People also grieve differently.  Maybe she wanted out before the breakup, but kept in contact until she felt strong enough to end it. 

Of course, the other side of the coin is she is disordered and you focusing on your exams triggered abandonment, like you said.  My ex, who is diagnosed BPD (on meds and had started DBT) used a multitude of reasons for why she pushed me away.  She "kitchen sinked" me at the end with issues we had that I had never known about.  Her biggest reason was "we don't have any thing in common, so we would've never worked."   Of course that came after a roller coaster year r/s, but bc we had "nothing in common" then we must've been doomed to fail, right?  She left out all the lying, cheating, manipulation, and misdirection she had done to me.  She had blamed all that on me, btw.  She admitted she had abandoned me, but it was my fault... .basically.  She had her own narrative about the past year that didn't match to reality.  She also had her own narrative to the future, that hasn't even happened.  But, that's how she feels/felt and that equals facts to a BPD, so it all must be true, even with evidence it wasn't.

My point is, if your ex is undiagnosed and not seeking serious treatment, it's best for you to move on.  It's hard, I know.  Trust me, I've been where you are twice now.  If ever there was a chance for success, I had it.  I had learned so much about BPD, J was diagnosed, on meds, and (was going to) DBT toward the end.  I did all I could to have a successful r/s with her because I do love her.  However, it didn't make a difference in the end.  I think you know the details of my story, so I won't go back over it here.  But, suffice it to say, J has had at least 2 new guys in her life (that I know about) in the month that we have split up.  R was the reason we split finally, she went on "a couple of" dates with him while we were in limbo (she kept me there).  The other guy sent her roses at work about 2 weeks after we "officially" ended.  so the whole time that J was talking to me about the past, she was courting a new guy.  She was trying to keep me as supply (good or bad attention is still attention), all the while "moving on".

Stay no contact.  It's the best policy.  Chalk it up to a girl who cheated on you and then dumped you.  Find a healthy, stable girl who understands you're studying for your future and would be willing to bring you dinner or something while you study if you asked.   

[MakingMyWay]

It's possible she's BPD. It's also possible that she's just immature.  People break up for all sorts of reasons.  People also grieve differently.  Maybe she wanted out before the breakup, but kept in contact until she felt strong enough to end it.  

My point is, if your ex is undiagnosed and not seeking serious treatment, it's best for you to move on.  

Thanks for your reply. I am moving on fairly well, I am just trying to understand some things retroactively that have continued to confuse me. Obviously its hard to tell if she is BPD or not without proper diagnosis, but a lot of the way she acted throughout and after the relationship seems pretty consistent with BPD. Especially when she insisted that nothing was wrong and was acting fairly normally until the week of the breakup, including sex which was usually the first thing she denied when there was an issue or she felt I had wronged her. It just doesn't seem healthy to act like nothing is wrong to the point where I am sure nothing is wrong and then rapidly come to the decision within a week to end it. There is also a history of personality disorders within her family as well as a history of emotional abuse which reaffirms my thinking, but its still possible that she isn't BPD of course. Regardless, I don't think she was a stable individual. I am going back to uni fairly soon, so I guess I am just trying to tie up the things I am still struggling with before I run the risk of significantly setting back my recovery if I run in to her again at uni.

[Euler2718]

The reason given is not necessarily (or likely) the real reason(s). When they decide to do this, they may not really know the reason --  but they have pulled a list of hard-to-argue-with reasons from pop culture that can be flung down on the table so they can leave with some sort of reasonable story.

I'd be willing to bet that, before the end, she had already decided to leave, lined something else up, and went that direction -- you were just the last to know.

[cosmonaut]

Let's think for a minute about relationships without BPD.  How many of those relationships fail?  Considerably more than those that last, right?  Relationships are complex, and there are so many variables that have to align in just the right combination for any relationship to last.  So, is it possible that your ex decided that you two just weren't right to each other?  Yes, it is.  Unfortunately, that is the fate of most relationships.  Sometimes it just doesn't work.  One of the things I've learned in life is that two people can love one another, even very much, and still not be able to make a relationship work.  Sometimes we start with the best of intentions and then realize we have very different ideas about life and love, or maybe we are going different directions in life, or sometimes we realize we aren't as compatible as we thought we were.  Sometimes we do just grow apart.  I'm only putting that out there, since it's important to remember that sometimes relationships don't work and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with pathology.  I don't know what the situation was with your relationship - you know better than any of us - but it's possible the explanation is as simple as she is saying and it's worth considering.

Whether there is BPD involved or not, in most failed relationships there has been resentment building under the surface for quite a while.  Like Tim has said, sometimes the partner that ends the relationship has been spending the final part of the relationship emotionally detaching, and they can then seem to move on surprisingly quickly compared to the other partner who hasn't already spent that time detaching.  If we are willing to look, we will probably find that there were patterns of dysfunction where the relationship was breaking down before the end.  If we can recognize that, we can then use it to learn from for the future.

Looking at your relationship where do you think that the breakdown began?  What was going on?

[Lonely_Astro]

The reason given is not necessarily (or likely) the real reason(s). When they decide to do this, they may not really know the reason --  but they have pulled a list of hard-to-argue-with reasons from pop culture that can be flung down on the table so they can leave with some sort of reasonable story.

I'd be willing to bet that, before the end, she had already decided to leave, lined something else up, and went that direction -- you were just the last to know.

Yep, this is exactly what happened to me.  J kept me in r/s limbo for about 3 months.  It was during that time I found out she had been out with her estranged husband and a new guy.  Both of which she blamed on me because I "didn't know what I wanted", she thought we "were already over" (even though we had had a conversation otherwise), and "we didn't have anything in common so we were doomed to fail anyway".  Projection at its best.

Of course, I was the last to know we were over.  Even our offical ending was, of course, my fault. 

[MakingMyWay]

The reason given is not necessarily (or likely) the real reason(s). When they decide to do this, they may not really know the reason --  but they have pulled a list of hard-to-argue-with reasons from pop culture that can be flung down on the table so they can leave with some sort of reasonable story.

I'd be willing to bet that, before the end, she had already decided to leave, lined something else up, and went that direction -- you were just the last to know.

I don't think the reason she gave me was the real one and the way she acted towards me was very different to what really happened. When I logged into her email I found her trashing me to her new boyfriend, making fun of me for a lot physical things which she said didn't matter throughout the relationship. She also said that she had burned my personal belongings which seems very unreasonable considering how she portrayed it as a smooth breakup with no anger towards each other to everyone else. She seemed to hold a lot more resentment towards me than she was willing to admit when I confronted her.

Let's think for a minute about relationships without BPD.  How many of those relationships fail?  Considerably more than those that last, right?  Relationships are complex, and there are so many variables that have to align in just the right combination for any relationship to last.  So, is it possible that your ex decided that you two just weren't right to each other?  Yes, it is.  Unfortunately, that is the fate of most relationships.  Sometimes it just doesn't work.  One of the things I've learned in life is that two people can love one another, even very much, and still not be able to make a relationship work.  Sometimes we start with the best of intentions and then realize we have very different ideas about life and love, or maybe we are going different directions in life, or sometimes we realize we aren't as compatible as we thought we were.  Sometimes we do just grow apart.

Whether there is BPD involved or not, in most failed relationships there has been resentment building under the surface for quite a while.  Like Tim has said, sometimes the partner that ends the relationship has been spending the final part of the relationship emotionally detaching, and they can then seem to move on surprisingly quickly compared to the other partner who hasn't already spent that time detaching.  If we are willing to look, we will probably find that there were patterns of dysfunction where the relationship was breaking down before the end.  If we can recognize that, we can then use it to learn from for the future.

Looking at your relationship where do you think that the breakdown began?  What was going on?

.

I understand that sometimes people do just grow apart, but it doesn't seem reasonable even if the relationship is failing, to put on a face that says "Everything in the relationship is fine" only to spring it on them and move on in a few days with somebody who she had said previously was a creep and that "you don't need to worry about". Especially when we celebrated being together for 3 years, it seems that if she was having issues with me it would be better to end it before then. She does maintain that she did that to make sure I didn't fail my exams, but even that seems cruel. Pretending to love me for potentially weeks or months, lying about loving me to my face while she lined this new guy up.

We had some disagreement in the past about various things, such as marriage and children, but we were only 16 when we started dating and those were discussed about 4 months into our relationship. She had this sense of urgency about securing someone since every other guy she met was apparently a monster. My reaction was usually to say "Its too soon to be discussing this, these are years away" but I did give in a lot and give my opinion. She wanted to get married young, as in 21 young which I made clear I didn't want and was not viable financially. She wanted kids at the same age which I made clear I didn't want. We were 19 when we broke up, so she may have been scrambling to find someone who fit this fantasy because I didn't.

Another issue was religion, I am atheist, she is catholic and from a very catholic family. This was discussed almost immediately in the relationship and became a non issue. She was always very defensive about her beliefs because they were important to her, which I respected. I agreed to go to church with her and her family one day a year, since it would cause a lot of issues for her with her parents if I didn't. Plus it was an hour out of my life annually, so who cares. Her mum had caused a lot of issues within the family when my ex's brother married a girl from a different religion, leading the brother and his wife to go no contact with her. I'd expressed concerns that the same would happen to us and always felt that I wasn't welcome in their family, but my ex assured me that I would always come first, which I believed and it was made clear that this was true throughout the relationship.

Another thing was alcohol. I don't drink, she does. This  was discussed about a year and half into the relationship. Initially I didn't want her to drink, but we compromised since that was obviously very unfair on her. The compromise was pretty successful, nothing was forced on anyone and I thought we were both happy with it. I made it clear that we could discuss it again, since as I matured and more people around me started drinking my view changed significantly. That happened about a year from the end of the relationship. It was clear to both of us that it was never going to be an issue that would make or break us, as it was a very minor thing. It was no longer an issue for either of us and if it was it could have been discussed openly towards the end of the relationship. At times she perceived that if she did drink I would dump her which I assured her was not true and never something I said to her.

Keep in mind that what I've said is a very brief overview of my ex and I's relationship. There were a lot of behaviours throughout the relationship that indicate to me that she is BPD, not just the behaviours after she dumped me.