2 years and my experience

[jo19854]

Posting here in "detaching from a failed BPD relationship" may create an image that would suggest i am certain of BPD, well I am not. But it's 2 years ago my wife left, when i was at work, leaving a small note. I have never ever heard from her or her close family again. I get no response to anything. Even tough the note said "you can email ... thanks for everything... .love... <name>". I have no adress, no phonenmbr, nothing.

It could have been anything but being deserted like this indicates some PD.

Her remarks over the years are more clear to me now when put in perspective of past abuse and neglect, attachment problems combined with passive agressive PD (she mentioned that herself)

Remarks like "we will never be one", "no one is telling me what to do", "I trust no one", "I will ruin your life but i love you"

Her therapist is certain about an attachment disorder involved. But the fact that someone deserts me, planned behind my back and never communicated again (plus leaving all possesions, clothing, and dog behind) can only be explained by some kind of clusterB problem. 11 years together, 2 years married.

Two years later i still struggle tremendously, crying a lot, nightmares, avoiding places, still couldnt get rid of her possesions and dealing with huge legal issues alone.

I post this for all who struggle and try to get themselves together.

I know that posting about still struggling intensely after two years is no commercial, maybe not even motivating. But what i am trying to say is that detaching from the wounds can take a long time. So anyone who feels it will never pass, i want to encourage them. Keep fighting for your own sanity. Sometimes things are just unexplainable.

In my experience most counselors cannot not tune in on the specific situation when a relationship with a pwBPD ends.

Certainly the way my marriage was suddenly reduced to zero and being discarded worse than a pig.

I know it s a bit long but "for those who just never saw their ex again" -- without contact and/or explanation i suggest to find a counselor who knows a bit about dealing with suicide and/or missing persons case.

In my case i am lucky because i found a special therapy focused on these elements.

The ongoing questions like "why? my part ? what did i do wrong ? could i have prevented this ? " are questions same as suicide.

When someone just leaves and is gone it mimics elements of a missing person like  " will i ever hear again ? will she ever see the good things and become wiser ? does she regret but is she afraid to contact ? etc etc.

Try to find litarature focused on these situations. It helped me a lot.

Read articles about "unresolved / complicated grief", mostly written for people who lost someone to death, but so helpfull.

Sometimes closure has to come from inside because you cannot rationalize the irrational.

What i am trying to say is

- give yourself time to grieve

- find true friends who will let you vent, non judging

- gather knowledge as much as you can

- find a therapist who is well informed about cluster B

In my case i started with mindfullness and also a form of Cognative Therapy.

Every time i am overwhelmed and knocked out i have to ask myself

- Is it true what i am thinking right now?

- Does this thought help me to achieve what i need to achieve?

If you cant answer YES to both questions, than it's considerated as "non-helping thinking"

I do this now for a month and it works. But it's hard, very hard.

I hope it helped a bit for all of those who cannot let go, or even worse want to let go but are constantly pulled back in memories, images and feeling lousy and alone.

I still love my wife, Allways will, but i know that when not able to let go it will ruin my life just as she predicted.

[steelwork]

When someone just leaves and is gone it mimics elements of a missing person like  " will i ever hear again ? will she ever see the good things and become wiser ? does she regret but is she afraid to contact ? etc etc.

Try to find litarature focused on these situations. It helped me a lot.

Read articles about "unresolved / complicated grief", mostly written for people who lost someone to death, but so helpfull.

Thanks for your post. That sounds incredibly traumatic. My situation was not so dramatic, but I'm in the camp of those who never expect to hear from them again.

What you wrote reminded me of something. My father died when I was 14: old enough to understand death, but not really old enough to process it as an adult would. For many many years I had dreams where it turned out he was still alive. He had just gone off somewhere away from us. In the dream I was first happy to know that he was alive, then heartbroken because I realized he didn't want to be with me.

At some point several months ago I realized that what I dreamed about my father is actually what happened with my uBPDx. Essentially, he doesn't exist for me anymore, but he's out there somewhere, choosing not to be in contact. It's like an unresolved death for me, and part of the difficulty for me has been how it opened that old wound.

Courage, friend.

[bAlex]

Strangely enough my ex did the very same thing to a guy she dated for 10 years... She found out he was cheating on her but stayed in the relationship. I'm in no way defending his actions but I think he saw how things would end up and was looking for a way out. Trying to fall in love with someone else to avoid the pain that he saw was in his future maybe. I know she did it deliberately to hurt him back, and she only left when she found his replacement. Until the day she left she was sleeping with his best friend behind his back. I'm pretty sure that to this day he doesn't even know it. I still think to just leave like that is a heartless thing to do either way. She also planned to do the same thing to my replacement... She told me all of this 1st hand... .and I'm glad she's gone from my life today.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this man. Keep going and stay strong.

[jo19854]

Thanks for the quick reply steelw and bAlex.

Steelwork; I recognize the part of "unresolved death" also in my situation, that's how it feels. My counselor asked me to describe how i feel and i said " I am standing beside an empty coffin, with the same pain as if there was a corps in it, but i can't close the lid, can't burry it, because no one is in it. You Stay strong also !

bAlex; From an acquaitance ive heard my wife lives with her daughter, watching over grandchildren. That's all i know and info is old.

No replacemant. Its a complicated situation, i am EU and wife from (and returned to)US. Ive heard from cab company they dropped her of at our intnl airport. I think she was very "homesick" also. Nevertheless, someone doesnt just desert someone else when there was no argument, fight or whatever going on.

My situation is more explained in profile. But i know BP can cause bizar situations, your input shows what can happen--- thanks for your input!