Symptoms of BPD- am I correct?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Beginnings of divorce from husband. Everything I've read or spoken to my therapist about all point to this condition but sometimes I'm just not sure. Here is what I've experienced:

1. Whirlwind start to relationship- proclaimed love 3 weeks in and talked of marriage and children together

2. Always stressed

3. Rage or emotions can go from 0-60 in a minute

4. Feelings of incredible loneliness, despair and hopelessness

5. Everyone eventually lets him down

6. Reckless driving, just totaled 3rd car in 9 years, had 5th accident in a year ( never his fault)

7.weight gain and loss. At one point he had clothes from size 34 to 52 waist

8. Talk of wishing he was dead

9. Fear of abandonment

10. Problems with relationships in every job he's had

11. Impulsive actions, especially with money

12. Rushing to file for divorce. Now telling me he's having a hard time living without me and hope we can find our way back to each other

13. Constant lying or embellishing on stories. Usually denies conversations or I misunderstood

14. Headaches, stomach aches. Ailments almost everyday

15. Hoarding

He is a very generous, kind man who would drop everything to help those in need, but is furious or depressed when it is not immediately reciprocated and feels used and betrayed by just about everyone but his therapist. I've tried for 10 years to be understanding and sympathetic until last year when I came back after a two month separation and he became nasty and even more disrespectful than ever. He knew I would not tolerate screaming at me anymore and I guess this was the new normal for him. I'm so sad because he says he believed what we had was true love, and so did I.

[Beacher]

Beginnings of divorce from husband. Everything I've read or spoken to my therapist about all point to this condition but sometimes I'm just not sure. Here is what I've experienced:

1. Whirlwind start to relationship- proclaimed love 3 weeks in and talked of marriage and children together

2. Always stressed

3. Rage or emotions can go from 0-60 in a minute

4. Feelings of incredible loneliness, despair and hopelessness

5. Everyone eventually lets him down

6. Reckless driving, just totaled 3rd car in 9 years, had 5th accident in a year ( never his fault)

7.weight gain and loss. At one point he had clothes from size 34 to 52 waist

8. Talk of wishing he was dead

9. Fear of abandonment

10. Problems with relationships in every job he's had

11. Impulsive actions, especially with money

12. Rushing to file for divorce. Now telling me he's having a hard time living without me and hope we can find our way back to each other

13. Constant lying or embellishing on stories. Usually denies conversations or I misunderstood

14. Headaches, stomach aches. Ailments almost everyday

15. Hoarding

He is a very generous, kind man who would drop everything to help those in need, but is furious or depressed when it is not immediately reciprocated and feels used and betrayed by just about everyone but his therapist. I've tried for 10 years to be understanding and sympathetic until last year when I came back after a two month separation and he became nasty and even more disrespectful than ever. He knew I would not tolerate screaming at me anymore and I guess this was the new normal for him. I'm so sad because he says he believed what we had was true love, and so did I.

[kentavr3]

AS FOR ME LOOKS as BPD. But, it also could be Bipolar disorder. How long have you been married? Do you feel that you'll be missing him? Most of the problems for people here are that they can't detach emotionally and physically from BPD partner. If you OK with detaching, I think you are fine. Nothing to worry about. This will be a freedom for you.

[thisworld]

Beacher hi,

I'm sorry that you are going through a divorce. How do you feel nowadays?

Certain things in your list sound like BPD symptoms. I could say my ex-partner certainly had 1,2,3,5, 8, 10, 11 (with drugs) on your list.

Have you come across these sources before on this website? They give some ideas within a larger framework and maybe they would help you to form an opinion.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

If you have read them before, can you relate?

Best,

[Beacher]

We have been married 9 years. I'm ready to detach. It's very painful because no one will ever love me as much as he has. Even with the terrible things he has said to me, physically hurt me twice and cheated on me during the summer, I feel terrible that I'm basically abandoning him when he is such a sick person. The physical part is when I finally drew the line. Although he has seemed to have made great progress in therapy and has apologized over and over,'I'll never trust him again and cannot see a future with this man in my life. Tonight he said " I wish you could just love me for who I am". The problem is I never know who he is actually going to be from day to day. Just when I start feeling good about myself and starting over, we talk on the phone and all I hear is how depressed he is, he has nothing to live for and will never love again. It brings me down and makes me feel guilty and horrible. I did read the links that were posted and they all point to BPD. Hoping Spring will lift my spirits as well as finally getting this divorce over and done with.

[Driver]

We have been married 9 years. I'm ready to detach. It's very painful because no one will ever love me as much as he has. Even with the terrible things he has said to me, physically hurt me twice and cheated on me during the summer, I feel terrible that I'm basically abandoning him when he is such a sick person. The physical part is when I finally drew the line. Although he has seemed to have made great progress in therapy and has apologized over and over,'I'll never trust him again and cannot see a future with this man in my life. Tonight he said " I wish you could just love me for who I am". The problem is I never know who he is actually going to be from day to day. Just when I start feeling good about myself and starting over, we talk on the phone and all I hear is how depressed he is, he has nothing to live for and will never love again. It brings me down and makes me feel guilty and horrible. I did read the links that were posted and they all point to BPD. Hoping Spring will lift my spirits as well as finally getting this divorce over and done with.

My exBPDgf told me the same, however contradictory it was, because deep down they also admit they don't know who they are and very often adopt cameleon-like behavior i.e. copying personalities from the people around them. Usually when they are alone they feel empty and don't know who they really are.

Regarding your list, indeed it looks BPD. Let's compare your exBPDh with my exBPDgf traits. So in my experience with my exBPDgf:

1 = yes, craving love, idealizing

2 = stressed only when she felt she was going to be abandoned

3 = wasn't long enough in the r/s to confirm this one

4 = same for my ex

5 = same

6 = she doesn't have driving licence, so difficult to confirm, but I read on other websites the same trait

7 = my exBPDgf was losing weight dramatically, but never admitted it was her fault. She claimed she didn't know how came.

8 = same for me exBPDgf, because suffered too much to bear being alive

9 = same

10 = to be confirmed yet

11 = same here, lots of shopping

12 = We weren't married, but the break-up didn't go very well (suicide attempts, various threats and at the same time begging for getting back and find back the way we used to be in the beginning of the r/s)

13 = Lying only to hurt me during an argument, denying some things and accusations of me misunderstanding her

14 = Haven't been long enough to experience that, but she was on sickness leave due to her condition of feeling empty and unable to do anything cuz felt depressed

15 = I'm not sure about this one. I don't know if I got the meaning behind what you want to say by "hoarding", but my exBPDgf always looked happy in front of others.

[C.Stein]

The clinical signs/traits are going to be the most informative with regard to your question.  To that end the links thisworld posted should be the first stop in your journey of understanding.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

[Beacher]

Hoarding as in collecting and buying things until the house is packed and it became impossible to move around. He had the entire basement as his office but as it filled began to pile papers and other items( he was a big staples customer) piling them to the ceiling near hot pipes and the furnace. Blocking entrances, couldn't use the washer/dryer or freezer anymore, had to drag garbage through the living room because side door was blocked. Went on for 7 years and then eventually took over my desk because he could no longer get into his office.

Thanks for comparing notes with me- sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. He said he can't understand why I focused on this when we had such a true love.

[kentavr3]

I understand that you are going through. I'm going through after 10 years of marriage. 4 months ago , in the morning , all our family was happy. I kissed her , kissed daughter left to job. She called me to the office and invited me to the restaurant. There she declared that she left me. She rented apartments and moved out. I was in shock, daughter was in shock. she blamed me for everything including that I said something wrong to her 10 years ago. she had already a lover and just kick me out. This was her second marriage. The first one ended up the same way, kid from the first marriage left to her father. I miss her a lot. This break up was the second cycle with her. First one with her  was when she filed a protection  order against me. Protection order was denied. During 4 moths I was begging her on my knees to go back to the relationship. I couldn’t understand what happened at all. This is the first time I heard about BPD. So we lived for a year and finally she left again. All this pre breaking cycle , I lived as in hell under her blames and love stage. I understood that I’m getting crazy too. I can give many samples how illogical BPD, but it is useless. BPDs are mentally ill. You’ll never understand them. But , try to find why you get involved with BPD? There are some problems in people who get involved with them.

She asked me several times if something wrong with her. We went to vacation in summer. Her nervous break ups started in the airport. I counted 3 in two days. Clinicians find pathological 5 per year.

Driver user gave a perfect view. They copy our behavior. This is very dangerous for everybody , who are in relationships with them. I would advise to read DR. Roger Melton’s phases

Of relationships with BPD. I went exactly trough these stages which are : The Vulnerable Seducer Phase, The Clinger Phase, The Hater Phase.

During Clinger Phase she had symptoms exactly : stomach pain, back pain, leg pain. 

It is important to understand that stomach pain signalize a hidden anger inside. When BPD goes to hate stage, stomach pain will disappear. The most traumatic for us is The hater phase. This happened because it goes from hate to love. Finally, you don’t know where you are. Living with mentally sick person, you get sick too. This is lie that nobody will love you as him. Remember that being in relationships with BPD you feel exited.  This is because , as Driver said, they typically copy you. So , sex will feel better. As for me , I’m very codependent person. This is a problem , that I’m working on. At least for now I don’t ask her to return.

[kentavr3]

5. The “Testing” Fight


Before I recovered from BPD I would tell people, “I’m just testing you to see how much you love me.” I knew that I couldn’t start with a full-blown BP rage. So I started softly and slowly. With each test I set forth and the person passed, I upped the ante and said, “If you loved me, you would do this or that.” People usually accepted the most outrageous and inappropriate behavior to maintain the relationship.

You might think that once the non-BP passes the tests, their borderline family member would feel more secure. But that doesn’t happen. Instead, people with BPD think, “Why would a healthy, normal person take the abuse? There must be something wrong with them.”