Brithday Card?

[joeramabeme]

Hi All

2 months since divorce and about the same time very LC.  Her B/day is next week and I am thinking about sending a card.  I keep playing the send/no-send scenarios without resolution - ya, a little sticky. 

First one is I do not send a card and she thinks I don't care - I see her on the street and she accuses me of not caring.  Second one is I send a card and it reminds her of her father who she has LC with (once a year call and card) and I will remind her of him.  I strongly suspect that since I have been turned black, she sees me as him.

Not sure which way to take this?  Leaning towards do not send but not sure.

[cosmonaut]

 A very personal decision.  If your gut is saying not send one, then I would listen to your instincts.  If you do decide to send a card, the advice I most often hear is to keep it short, friendly, and avoid talking about the relationship or the past.  We can't countrol our ex's reaction and if we are painted black anything we do (send a card, don't send a card) will be used against us.  But that's the advice I usually hear that produces the best outcomes.

[Driver]

Hi joeramabeme,

I hope you do realize that you are walking on eggshells.

Now, ask yourself how long can you tolerate to walk on those eggshells?

If you want the relationship to end for good, then I'd use a piece of advise given to me by a pwBPD, if you can stop make her clinging, then stop making her clinging by being clear that the relationship between you two is over, and that means let it go birthday or not. My two cents.

[Fox Mulder]

If you've been split black, don't send a birthday card. It will be meaningless to her. Or she'll see it as some kind of emotional manipulation.

Of course, afterwards she will accuse you of not caring anyway.

[cosmonaut]

I hope you do realize that you are walking on eggshells.

I disagree.  I think joe is trying to find what will be best for himself too.  Considering someone else's well being isn't walking on on eggshells.  Not walking on eggshells shouldn't mean selfishness to the point of ignoring the welfare of others.  It's about considering our well being too.   

[Driver]

I hope you do realize that you are walking on eggshells.

I disagree.  I think joe is trying to find what will be best for himself too.  Considering someone else's well being isn't walking on on eggshells.  Not walking on eggshells shouldn't mean selfishness to the point of ignoring the welfare of others.  It's about considering our well being too.  

I would agree with you if he was thinking about sending the card to a nonBPD, but given the fact that even before sending the card he's already fearing her criticism no matter what he decides to do is IMHO enough to think about moving on furtrher in his life as unfortunately there is nothing he can do to please his exBPDgf.

[Ab123]

I'd recommend sending fruit. (Not with chocolate.). It is totally not romantic, but says you care about her as a human being in a way that doesn't evoke her father.

[cosmonaut]

I would agree with you if he was thinking about sending the card to a nonBPD, but given the fact that even before sending the card he's already fearing her criticism no matter what he decides to do is IMHO enough to think about moving on furtrher in his life as unfortunately there is nothing he can do to please his exBPDgf.

I understand, and I can appreciate that.  I think we may just be reading the situation differently.  I don't want to speak for joe, so maybe I'm wrong in my analysis.  The way I understood it was that he wants to let his ex know that he cares, but he doesn't want to be triggering for her rather than appeasing her.

[Driver]

I'd recommend sending fruit. (Not with chocolate.). It is totally not romantic, but says you care about her as a human being in a way that doesn't evoke her father.

LMAO  

It's cute.

But pwBPD or not, if one receives fruit s/he'd be probably like "what the hell?" Lol. I like the idea, but am not sure if his ex will understand it as a caring gesture since apparently she has already painted him black and probably hates him.

[Driver]

I would agree with you if he was thinking about sending the card to a nonBPD, but given the fact that even before sending the card he's already fearing her criticism no matter what he decides to do is IMHO enough to think about moving on furtrher in his life as unfortunately there is nothing he can do to please his exBPDgf.

I understand, and I can appreciate that.  I think we may just be reading the situation differently.  I don't want to speak for joe, so maybe I'm wrong in my analysis.  The way I understood it was that he wants to let his ex know that he cares, but he doesn't want to be triggering for her rather than appeasing her.

I see what you mean. For the moment he's in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. So, of course it is up to him to think thoroughly what he expects from all this.

[apollotech]

Hi Joe,

My thinking is aligned with cosmonaut's advice about sending or not sending the card. You can't control her reaction(s) regarding either scenario, but you can control yours. So ultimately, your decision should be based upon what you perceive as the correct thing to do and your willingness to accept and manage said consequences, if any should arise.

[joeramabeme]

Thanks All for the replies. 

I am thinking the right approach is to just do what is right for me regardless of what I think might be her reaction. 

Even after all I have learned about BPD, I still feel so disoriented thinking about sending a card to someone with the thought that you shouldn't care what they think.  Why bother sending it?  It is supposed to be a warm wish, very disheartening.

[HarleypsychRN]

Hi All

2 months since divorce and about the same time very LC.  Her B/day is next week and I am thinking about sending a card.  I keep playing the send/no-send scenarios without resolution - ya, a little sticky. 

First one is I do not send a card and she thinks I don't care - I see her on the street and she accuses me of not caring.  Second one is I send a card and it reminds her of her father who she has LC with (once a year call and card) and I will remind her of him.  I strongly suspect that since I have been turned black, she sees me as him.

Not sure which way to take this?  Leaning towards do not send but not sure.

My ex BPD's birthday is in a few weeks and I struggled with the same thoughts. DON'T... .it'll just give her more power over you. It'll mean nothing to her... .

[steelwork]

My ex has a birthday coming up as well. It will mark the one-year mark for me in terms of significant contact. (Exception was one v. brief and BIFFY exchange last October, but I take March 18 as the real one-year mark.)

joeramabeme, did you send a card? Did you get a response? I'm not really considering sending a card or email, but I'm curious what your outcome was.

[jessedsickabouther]

Seriously why the hell would you send this person a card?  She is going to think you don't care about her? I think if she cared about you she'd be sitting right next to you right now or after you got home from work don't you?

I'm pretty sure she knows that you  care. If I took the time to send the card to anyone I would want to know that they opened it and it made them happy and they appreciated the gesture and they called you and said thank you for thinking of me on my birthday. Is that what will happen if you send the card?

Mine cut me out of her life 24 hours after promising that she was all in and a week after cheating. 11 days later was her birthday. I didn't send her a card. If you want to love her in your heart then go ahead and love her but that doesn't mean that you have to send her a card.

Oh its okay I know you did terrible things to me and I had to go look up what was going on on a personality disorder website but here is a card for me to tell you how much it means to me that today is your birthday and everything that you did is OK because I forgive you anyway and I want this day to be special for you

Send a card and a check to the animal shelter in her name

[Should I stay or...]

I would agree with Cosmo,

... .do what's right for you! However, knowing, that you may never hear from her with a response or a reply. You're sending a note, if you do, not for her karma but yours... .

Mine ended our relationship in August over the phone; her departing words were... .I'll talk to you later, she never did!

I sent her a birthday email on the 7th of October with no reply. Recently, I reached out, after 6 months with a text message. It was 6 months to the day from her last phone call... .

I pulled a BP move, impulsively I sent her a text message with a picture of a soap bar that she had given me which contained the symbols; I heart U. I took a picture of the soap bar and placed a caption underneath the picture... ."for a thousand years."... .I knew I wouldn't hear back from her and didn't care!

I did it for the truth: we did share a love that was so special. Her truth now would be worlds apart from mine; she hides behind her feelings, but the truth is, we did share something very special in this life and it was very real. She can't take that away from me, she left a permanent mark on me, a tattoo!

I will not send another message, my karma has been cleaned, I was a good partner and will fade out knowing that I gave her the best of me and a great love ... .

[joeramabeme]

Hi All

My internal back and forth discussion mirrors (non-BPD) the varying views expressed on this post.  I take that as confirmation that there is sound debate to act in either direction. 

The deciding factor for me was, who do I want to be?  The guy who reacts to her supposed upset over a harmless nice gesture or a guy who acts according to his own internals.  I chose the later.  The card was as much for me as her.  I have good feelings towards her, regardless of what happened between us.  I knew that I would feel better about myself doing what was right for me. 

I understood that she would probably not receive the card with happiness.  And this was my internal sticking point for all the reasons discussed on this post.

During the marriage I reacted a lot to her behaviors - I was walking on eggshells.  One of the worst feelings for me was when she would call me out for not being or acting in a manner that was consistent with who I am.  She knew when that was the case.  I would rather be who I authentically am and fail that way then not be who I am b/c I think someone else will not like it.

In the end, I expected and received no reply.  I am ok with that - a response was not my motivation for my actions.  Time has proved out that I was not deceiving myself as I have not thought about it since sending it 3 weeks ago - until now... .      

[Should I stay or...]

... .I think we should all error on the side of kindness... .We did something kind out of the goodness within ourselves, without any expectations of a reciprocal response. We don't give to the poor with the expectations that they are going to give back... .Life has cycles and it will return to you in many ways.

Then, let go, knowing you did your best is a wonderful reward. Much better than the reply we were hoping for... .you did the right thing by me!

[jessedsickabouther]

You err on the side of kindness with people who reciprocate your kindness. You could also err on the side of kindness with a complete stranger. In this situation all you do is give a person more power and control over you who doesn't deserve it and doesn't respect you in anyway.

Save your kindness for someone who can appreciate it for someone that needs it. Honestly should have given $5 to a homeless person instead of purchasing a card for someone that has treated you this way

[Driver]

I must agree with what jessedesickabouther says.

No one of us likes to be in a push-pull r/s. Sending a card will be interpreted as keeping contact, giving hope and especially as not helping the exBPD partner to get over the r/s as they themselves are unable to set the boundaries.

The question to ask is, do you send the card to make you feel better or to make feel your ex better?

[jessedsickabouther]

I hope you read what I posted. Think about it for a minute. You hand the card to your ex she reads it doesn't even give a crap and thinks that you're pathetic or whatever else is in her twisted mind and goes about her day without even an acknowledgement or thank you great person right?

Now if you had not given her the card and he stopped on the side of the road and gave a complete stranger who hasn't eaten in the day five bucks you probably would feel good about yourself all day that person might have told one of their other homeless friend what you gave them and restored a little bit of their faith in humanity as well so it's a win-win

Keep people in your life that deserve you and show that they're worth it. There are plenty of people that will do that for you who have been so happy to get a birthday card from you in fact I don't even know you and my birthday is May 7th if you want to send me a card I'll take it and I'll send you a thank you

[Should I stay or...]

She replied 2 weeks later to my overture in this thread; it was in kind... .

... .the ball is in my court after 6 months of nc... .I guess being kind isn't pathetic after all.

We are damned if we do and damned if we don't in these relationships, the only satisfaction we can possibly achieve is within ourselves, giving to the poor of heart isn't pathetic. Be strong enough though to feel hurt if you only hear silence for giving a card or a salutation that was sent with kindness.

Happiness comes from within ourselves, being kind or nice is what they don't do, so why should we copy them if we are here for a better life moving forward?