Dark Thoughts today

[Ceruleanblue]

Today, like the three days last weekend, has been awful. He blew up at me, he asked me to "go away", so I did. My daughter and I went shopping. When I got home, he clearly was still angry. Another blow up at me because I wasn't using headphones on my computer, but he'd been playing really loud, repetitious, beeping noises that drove me crazy for fifteen minutes. I kept quiet about it, until he blew up on me about my not using headphones. He then argued that all that beeping wasn't coming out his computer speakers, because he had headhphones in. Well, Mr. IT director set out to prove me wrong, and sure enough, it WAS loudly playing those annoying beeps and blares over his speakers, NOT through his headphones. He's so argumentative, for zero reason. I wasn't mad, I was just matter of fact, and didn't know why he blew up at ME, when he'd been playing something easily twice as loud(I'd been watching a perfume review video).

He got mad that I started crying, but my reserves are just so low right now. I'd asked my daughter to go see a movie with me, but she said only if we see the movie SHE wants to see. It seriously feels like I never do what I want, unless I'm alone. I went to see Star Wars with all of them, and they know I hate Star Wars, but I was a good sport, and they'd already seen it! I just do not get back any sort of reciprocation from anyone. BPDh and my own daughter have this weird thing going on, but she'll complain to me that he "creeps her out". Well, stop playing up to it, sister!

I'm sick of divorce threats, and I'm so sick of him saying negative crap about ME all the time. Even my crying today made him mad. I try to never cry around him, but I'm at wits end. He then yelled at me that he doesn't even want me to go to his party tomorrow. Fine, if he doesn't want me there, less stress for me.

He did come back into the bedroom, and told me it's not my fault, and said "I'm making you crazy, aren't I?", which I KNOW is something his ex told him: "you'll just end up making her crazy too". Uhm, no, I have not, nor would I ever pick up a knife and cut him, or his him with a hammer, like his crazy ex did. But it feels like he's buying into her prophecy. He's creating this drama, and he's making bad choices. He's choosing to be super negative, and he's also choosing to be mean. He's had enough DBT to at least stop being so verbally abusive. Take time outs, something, but he just stays mad. His "time outs" when I do "go away"(and that is so not how he's supposed to request a time out), don't seem to calm him down.

He got off the phone after kissing up to his son today, and the first words out of his mouth to me were negative. I did a lot of housework today, but he had to criticize a job my daughter hadn't done, and he now acts like he expects ME to do it.

I feel like he's slipping into someplace that reality doesn't exist. He twists things to extremes to allow himself to get angry at me. EVERYTHING sets him off now.

And he acted sort of happy when he said the whole, "I'm making you crazy, aren't I", as if he gets some sick pleasure from it. I'm NOT going crazy, I was just upset, and hurt.

I wish I could just hide from him. Or that he'd decide to go to something tonight. I wish he'd go check himself into the stress unit. He needs serious help that he's not getting, and his anger is escalating. I'd hoped last weekend was isolated, but it clearly was not.

[Ceruleanblue]

I would go to the movie alone, as I did before, but as he is right now, I'm afraid that would really make him angry. It's like he's delusional right now. Or experiencing things that are not actually happening. This doesn't even seem like BPD to me.

[formflier]

I would go to the movie alone, as I did before, but as he is right now, I'm afraid that would really make him angry. It's like he's delusional right now. Or experiencing things that are not actually happening. This doesn't even seem like BPD to me.

Please go and enjoy the movie.  I regularly do this.  Tonight I took myself to dinner as a treat for putting up with a bad day.


Live your life.  Don't make decisions based on fear.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Formflier:

I mentally know this is something I enjoy, and is something that is very good for me. The issue is, I don't know if the anger and threats after are going to be worth the two hours reprieve.

He's so unpredictable right now, I just don't know. I know I'm making a fear based decision, but how do I even enjoy the movie knowing that my going might set off terrible chaos for me later?

[formflier]

Enjoy the movie and use boundaries against rage.

FF

[sweetheart]

For what it's worth CB your h doesn't sound delusional or out of contact with reality, he is demonstrating a small measure of insight into how his behaviour is making you feel, but is clearly not able to moderate it. The bit that comes next is how you behave/respond differently to the behaviour.

It is not enough to read and know the theory of how to change, it is through your actions and interactions that only change will come. What keeps you stuck by your own admission is fear.

ff is right, living your life through fear of repercussions will not improve your marriage.

suzn has put a link for you in your other thread.

Turkish asked you in another link if you were reading your threads, how would you guide and support that person? What would you say to them?

[sweetheart]

He did come back into the bedroom, and told me it's not my fault, and said "I'm making you crazy, aren't I?"

I left it too late to modify my previous post.

CB if I can hear contempt, derision and intolerance in your posts, I wonder what your h hears in your responses to him .

Maybe the question from him above was an opportunity to tell him how you were feeling in that moment. Crazy can be a catchall phrase and mean more than just that one word. And maybe it is worth listening to what he is saying because it might be what he is seeing in you.

[formflier]

CB if I can hear contempt, derision and intolerance in your posts, I wonder what your h hears in your responses to him .

Listening to ourselves can be hard.  For those following my story.  Things have been rough.  I've been using a recorder to protect myself.

Well, a time or two I have listened.  The words that I said were as I remembered them.  But, the tone was way off.

I didn't quite know who that harsh man was.  It was me.

I am tired of my wife's "relapse" into bad behavior.  I am communicating that to her in my words, actions, tone, body language. 

Sigh,

Hopefully I can change my tone to something healing or at least not irritating.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I do show my "contempt" here, but I absolutely do not with BPDh. I'm too afraid of him to do that. Plus, I just think it would be disrespectful. Men, in general, are all about respect, and I'm well aware of that. I think why I sound contemptuous here, is that I'm venting, and I have very little respect for anyone who'd treat someone else the way BPDh treats me.

With him though, I show him compassion, tolerance, and acceptance. I do explain to him that I'd like the verbal abuse to stop(luckily, the physical abuse has stopped), but I'm very careful how I address it. Plus, things have been way too hot around here for me to even do that much.

I did respond to his "I'm making you crazy" by telling him that he is not, that I'm just really stress by his behaviors(and my daughters) of the last few weeks. That I feel like I'm struggling just to keep from drowning.

I'm super, super careful which words I use, and of my tone, because I hate, hate, hate how condescending, scornful, and sarcastic, BPDh talks to me, when he's not just outright yelling.

I know it's easy to think I'm that way from my posts, but let me assure you, I'm not that way with him. I usually have a placating, or conciliatory tone, and try to insert humor(which used to work sometimes, but now falls flat).

It is my fear that keeps me stuck, but I'm working on that in therapy. I actually told BPDh "no" a couple times even though he's been highly dsyregulated. That is really hard for me, because I don't know how he'll react. He actually took it pretty good, and it didn't escalate. What's weird is, he'll dysregulate over normal things I ask him, that are not even controversial like my saying "no" should be. I don't get his trigger, and I guess I don't have to.

And I think if you lived with BPDh daily, and heard the strange, bizarre things he say, you'd feel differently on the "delusion" or whatever this is. I might be using the wrong terms, but he's saying bizarre things, and he seems to "hear" things that aren't said too. My daughter brought it up a few weeks ago, and this is a new issue. His memory has greatly deteriorated, and he says people said things they didn't say. This is NOT his usual misinterpretation.

He did address his memory issue with our MC, but I really wish he'd address it with his psychiatrist.

We all ended up going to the movie together, and it was "okay". After his ride, he made it clear he still didn't want to be around me, but he really didn't want me going to the movie alone. I'd wanted to buy snacks at Walmart prior to movie, and pop at theater, but he waited until he wanted to leave, making us nearly late. When it's one of HIS movies, he makes us get there 40 minutes early(which I've never understood).

I just feel he does so many things to show me who is in control: HIM. I don't know how he'd ever last with a woman who wasn't mostly okay with a very controlling man. I'm mostly okay with it, but he even pushes my limits sometimes, hence the recent "no", and added boundaries.

Also, I am addressing this fear issue I have in therapy. I'm not sure if it's fear or just anxiety due to all the stress, but either way, I'm making decisions based on that. My therapist said I'm doing it for survival purposes. She's met with BPDh three times now, and I think she has a good take on him, and us as a couple, so I'll ask her what she meant by that next week.

[formflier]

  but he really didn't want me going to the movie alone. 

I would make a point of going to movies alone.  That's your choice, not his.

FF