My deceased mother had BPD. How do I remember the good memories not the bad?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Remembering the good moments with my Mum is hard because all the bad moments related her drinking problem, her self harming problems and her trying to commit suicide, also her abandonment towards me in my childhood. Is taking over the good memories. Is any suggestions to wipe the bad memories away and let the good memories I have with her take over? My Mum passaway when I was 16.

[Peta87]

Remembering the good moments with my Mum is hard because all the bad moments related her drinking problem, her self harming problems and her trying to commit suicide, also her abandonment towards me in my childhood. Is taking over the good memories. Is any suggestions to wipe the bad memories away and let the good memories I have with her take over? My Mum passaway when I was 16.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Sorry this is hard, Peta87. 

In my r/s with my pwBPD, there was good and there was bad.  While the bad outweighed the good, I find I am best served by acknowledging frequently that "both are true." 

Because the good moments are true.  And they are no less true just because there were bad moments.  Likewise, the bad moments are true.  They are no less true just because there were good moments.

If I opt to remember only one side of things, then inevitably part of me ends up feeling betrayed.  If I remember only the good stuff, the part of me that suffered during the bad moments feels betrayed. That feels bad to, in essence, tell myself the bad stuff wasn't important.  It was.  Painful but real and worthy of acknowledgement.

Likewise, if I only remember the bad stuff, the part of me that enjoyed the good moments and loved my pwBPD feels betrayed.  And that also feels bad to, in essence, tell myself that the good stuff and the good times we had weren't important.  It was. 

So, I find that vigilantly acknowledging that "BOTH ARE TRUE" better lets me live with the reality of what actually happened.  Anytime I am remembering one, it is okay to acknowledge the other and let them co-exist.  Because if I don't let them co-exist then I am destined to constantly fight myself no matter which side I am remembering.

Does that make any sense? 

Hoping so.

XOXO

RML

[Turkish]

 I feel that what RML says, "both are true" is integrating our feelings about who our pwBPD were or are. It's hard because pwBPD tend to be such dis-integrated personalities. All you have left now are the memories of a dis-integrated person. She passed away before you reached an age where you could see things from a more adult perspective, who she really was, both good and bad.

I think I understand desiring to let go of the bad aspects of your mum's personality and actions. What you may be wanting to let go of is probably the anger (pain) which is tied to the bad memories. Do you feel that you may be able at some point to acknowledge her as a whole person, and remember (or even love her) not because of who she was, but despite?

[Sunfl0wer]

I have the same issue.  I literally cannot remember any good times often.  It takes hanging out with other family or persons that knew her to recall something that may have been a good moment.  While I recall her intentions toward me often being ill... .  I can recall some meals she made that were yummy.  I have a pic of a smile on her face towards my son, even if I never remember her smiling.  So even if say, x mas every year was a disaster... .I can remember a moment within a 'bad' day to preserve that little moment.  I do remember being allowed to decorate the tree and have fond memories of a few ornaments.

Honestly tho, I am not overly concerned that I do not have many good memories... .as there were actually few to recall and our minds more easily remember trauma as a way to protect ourselves.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Peta87

I am so sorry you are suffering. The good news is there is plenty out there to help with this. As other have correctly pointed out, you can’t change the memories (or a BPD) but you can change how you perceive them. The to techniques with the best (proven) success rate at doing this are CBT and ERDM (also know as tapping). They work on the principle that as traumatic as out BPD may have been at the time (when we were young and vulnerable) they probably aren’t so now. So my BPD would spit in my face, this use to then make me scared. So step one was getting validation from this website, then accepting it wasn’t personal then accepting no one has even done this since, and when someone spits on the floor that’s not actually a danger to me. But knowing isn’t enough, you then need deal with that emotion – turn being scared into distain or something more realistic.

An American friend of mine once told me they use to play spit volleyball. So some spits over the next and the someone your side does a death defying leap to catch the spit, before spitting it back. That the memory that kicks in now. Also seeing my BPD as a 8 year old child, dribbling spit on her chin. Because in effect, your BPD can do you no more harm, once you’ve repositioned those memories. There are also grief councillors, if that may help. But get professional advice (or read up on these techniques) as I’m not a clinician, and there a preparatory steps you need to take before being ready for these treatments. For example, have to been through “radical acceptance”, have you grieved the mother you should have had, rather than the BPD one ? But it worked relay well for me and thousands of others, so I’d recommend you research these. Best of Luck. 

[Peta87]

I feel that what RML says, "both are true" is integrating our feelings about who our pwBPD were or are. It's hard because pwBPD tend to be such dis-integrated personalities. All you have left now are the memories of a dis-integrated person. She passed away before you reached an age where you could see things from a more adult perspective, who she really was, both good and bad.

I think I understand desiring to let go of the bad aspects of your mum's personality and actions. What you may be wanting to let go of is probably the anger (puain) which is tied to the bad memories. Do you feel that you may be able at some point to acknowledge her as a whole person, and remember (or even love her) not because of who she was, but despite?

That exactly what I wanted to do. Is to take that pain away. I love my mum, she was my world when I was a child, i put my pain and what I feel aside so she doesn't feel any hurt from me because she already in so much pain. I was at her side through bad times where no one couldnt. I wish I could of protect her more, maybe she will be alive today.

[Peta87]

Hi Peta87

I am so sorry you are suffering. The good news is there is plenty out there to help with this. As other have correctly pointed out, you can’t change the memories (or a BPD) but you can change how you perceive them. The to techniques with the best (proven) success rate at doing this are CBT and ERDM (also know as tapping). They work on the principle that as traumatic as out BPD may have been at the time (when we were young and vulnerable) they probably aren’t so now. So my BPD would spit in my face, this use to then make me scared. So step one was getting validation from this website, then accepting it wasn’t personal then accepting no one has even done this since, and when someone spits on the floor that’s not actually a danger to me. But knowing isn’t enough, you then need deal with that emotion – turn being scared into distain or something more realistic.

An American friend of mine once told me they use to play spit volleyball. So some spits over the next and the someone your side does a death defying leap to catch the spit, before spitting it back. That the memory that kicks in now. Also seeing my BPD as a 8 year old child, dribbling spit on her chin. Because in effect, your BPD can do you no more harm, once you’ve repositioned those memories. There are also grief councillors, if that may help. But get professional advice (or read up on these techniques) as I’m not a clinician, and there a preparatory steps you need to take before being ready for these treatments. For example, have to been through “radical acceptance”, have you grieved the mother you should have had, rather than the BPD one ? But it worked relay well for me and thousands of others, so I’d recommend you research these. Best of Luck.  

Thanks for the suggestion. I was grieving for the mother what I should of have. This BPD disorder robbed me having a mother and my whole childhood. This disorder what killed my mum in the end. How do I actually grieved of a BPD mother when it's cause me nothing but pain in my life. There was more to my Mum then this disorder but I'm so traumatise what her disorder put me through. It's is taking over her memory of her. She was such a beautiful person. Maybe therapy will help me with these traumatic experiences as a child.

[HappyChappy]

It's is taking over her memory of her. She was such a beautiful person. Maybe therapy will help me with these traumatic experiences as a child.

Hi Peta87

Yes Therapy has helped many on this website, myself included. CBT and ERDM are the two that crop up the most on this forum. Google them, loads of info out there. Both look to reposition your memories. So in the example I gave, spitting use to cause me fear, now it’s just amusing or just distasteful. There are plenty of books on the subject (mostly CBT), if you want a low cost approach. But by understanding your mother better (or the BPD bit) can also help. We can't controle what we don't understand. It will also point out to you that so much of this isn't realy your fault and that we're often in a no win situation with a BPD. We can't save people that don't want to be saved. Below are links to more detailed support.

Five steps to grieving

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

Surviving a Borderline Parent (book)

Surviving a Borderline Parent

Understanding the Borderline Mother (book)

Understanding the Borderline Mother

Feel free to post as many questions as you need to get through all this.  

[Peta87]

It's is taking over her memory of her. She was such a beautiful person. Maybe therapy will help me with these traumatic experiences as a child.

Hi Peta87

Yes Therapy has helped many on this website, myself included. CBT and ERDM are the two that crop up the most on this forum. Google them, loads of info out there. Both look to reposition your memories. So in the example I gave, spitting use to cause me fear, now it’s just amusing or just distasteful. There are plenty of books on the subject (mostly CBT), if you want a low cost approach. But by understanding your mother better (or the BPD bit) can also help. We can't controle what we don't understand. It will also point out to you that so much of this isn't realy your fault and that we're often in a no win situation with a BPD. We can't save people that don't want to be saved. Below are links to more detailed support.

I google CBT and ERDM it's seems very effective and it's something could benefit me a lot of ways. At the same time the therapy seems scary and difficult and it's required a lot of concentration with all the bad experiences I have with my mum.

As a child my life was all about trying to save her from the pain and death. She was a heavy drinker, she have to drink wine every day all day. I remember being so young I will find all the hiding places where she put her drink and I use to empty her bottles and stab the casket of wine with a knife. When she find out , I get a big smack but I didn't really care about being hit because I know I was protecting her with all the bad side effects from drinking.

Most of my siblings and my dad walk away from her and live elsewhere because they couldn't cope her bad behaviour but I stay with her because I couldn't let her experience more pain if I went as well. As a child my mission was for her to experience less pain, I hate seeing her in pain and so distraught all the time. At the time I feel I need to make things better for her even it's was a little bit. My childhood it's weren't about me , my focus is always on my mother. I numb my pain for me to focus on my mum pain.

[Daisy23]

I just want to say I'm with you. I went through the same thing you're talking about - I thought I'd never come through the confusion of memories and who my mother actually was. But I did - as painful as it was to struggle (and I didn't get help) I now remember my mother without feeling any pain.

I think one thing that really turned it around was that every night I'd think of my mother, pray to her in a way, and thank her for something good she did - any little thing that came to mind that was a good memory. For the longest time I'd then also chime in how she also did things I didn't like but then I'd get back to telling her about the thing I appreciated. A birthday cake, playing a game with me, feeding squirrels together... .anything.

There has been research done on appreciation showing that when we are in the mode of expressing thanks for things we cannot simultaneously experience fear or worry. It puts us at ease. Sometimes I make myself name ten things I appreciate before I go to sleep - it helps me feel peaceful.

I'm with you.

[busybee1116]

My mother is still living, but I have the same issue to see/remember the good moments. Something that helped me--I learned black and white thinking from her, things are all good or all bad. So it was easy to see her as all good/amazing/idealized (like thinking about my childhood) or all bad/awful/harmful/toxic (like thinking about her BPD traits). It's taken me awhile to realize that ALL of us, EVERYTHING is actually gray. So she is too. She has good and bad but taught me differently! Funny how that backfired. Anyway, just a thought.

[HappyChappy]

I google CBT and ERDM it's seems very effective and it's something could benefit me a lot of ways. At the same time the therapy seems scary and difficult and it's required a lot of concentration with all the bad experiences I have with my mum.

Peta87,

I felt exactly the same way, it is scary but if you get the right Therapist they'll know this and step you through slowly with all sorts of safety nets. You can pull the plug at any point. But wow, the difference is well worth it.

This fear can leads to procrastination and even avoidance. Ironically, this fear is very effective at hiding the truth behind BPD and keeping us in their control. You might want to google F.O.G. A Child of a BPD is denegrated in order to make them feel worthless, and hence more maluable, more likely to put the BPD before them. But it also means we don't look after ourselves as well we should.

In truth all you stand to risk is a bit of time and maybe money. If you don’t go the risk is you don’t mend. You deserve this treat-ment, treat yourself.