Paralyzing indecision

[joeramabeme]

I have been trying to make a simple decision about sending exBPDw a birthday card and I can’t believe how paralyzed I feel by indecision.

On the one hand I know my internal feelings; I still love my wife and want to acknowledge her birthday and send well wishes.  On the other hand are countless enumerations of what her responses might be and not wanting to appear desperate after she has so clearly and somewhat unconsciously discarded me after I was turned black.  Further, I see both sending and not sending as having negative outcomes in her mind about me which in turn makes me feel like what am I doing sending a card and so left with feeling paralyzed with indecision.

And this is not an isolated instance; I see that this was a pattern of behavior I developed during my marriage – especially at the end.  So many times I simply wanted to please her and do the right thing and express my feelings and it was perceived in such negative ways that it left me feeling like I did not know which way was up or down or right or wrong. 

So here I am repeating this internal paralyzing indecision again - except I am now divorced.

I need to make a decision soon – like tomorrow!  Has anyone got through this that can provide some insight for me to get me out of being so entirely frozen?

[Herodias]

Could you send her a text or an email... .not a card? It didn't do me any good to wish mine a Happy Birthday after he moved on to someone else... .I don't think he cared one way or another. It's like they just want to know you are still available. I see how you can't win either way. I might do it in the smallest way possible as to not make a big production about it. Mine actually wished me a Happy Birthday  via text a couple weeks ago- A month early! Not sure what the angle was there... .he said he was trying... .trying what I don't know.

[thisagain]

Hey Joe  

My instinct is that all of these what-ifs and your fear of negative outcomes are reasons that you SHOULDN'T send it.

If you get to a place where you can know that you're just sending well wishes, you radically accept that she could respond in a billion different ways, understand that her reaction is mostly a reflection of what's going on in her life and her mind at the moment, and you truly feel that if she takes it badly that's her problem and not yours... .then think about sending a card.

This is similar to how I feel about breaking NC with my ex. If I think about seeing her and start racking my brain about how she might respond, what if she yells at me and insults me, what if she love bombs me and wants to get back together... .then I haven't detached enough for it to be safe emotionally for me to contact her.

I don't really think about those things anymore, but I also can't think of anything that I want to say to her.

[hashtag_loyal]

On the other hand are countless enumerations of what her responses might be and not wanting to appear desperate after she has so clearly and somewhat unconsciously discarded me after I was turned black. 

So many times I simply wanted to please her and do the right thing and express my feelings and it was perceived in such negative ways that it left me feeling like I did not know which way was up or down or right or wrong. 

So you're wondering if you should bother to send a token of affection to someone who clearly doesn't care about you and frequently perceived your past efforts to please her negatively? I think you answered your own question: No, for your own sake, you should not bother sending her a birthday card.

[Scopikaz]

Personally I would send it. If it really doesn't matter either way and you want to send it then send it.

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry, joe.  These are very complex relationships and it is often not at all clear how to best proceed.  I'm sorry you're feeling so conflicted about this.

Some advice I heard on this site once from one of the senior members was that with BPD we should "expect the unexpected".  I think that's very true.  No matter how much we learn and how well we know our partner, there will be times when our partner will react in unexpected ways.  They are mentally ill, and that means that sometimes they behave in an irrational or impulsive manner.  The emotions of the moment rule.  So, at some level we have to simply accept this about them.  They have BPD and there is a random element with them.  The best we can do is to try and roll with it.

I think it's kind of you to consider your ex's reaction.  No one wants to upset someone with kind wishes on their birthday.  But there is indeed a fine line with caring about our ex's feelings and living in fear of their reaction.  The latter is something that we have learned in a relationship in which we were terrified of doing the "wrong" thing.  Perhaps we should work on reframing that thinking.  We can't control our partner's reactions.  We can't control their emotions.  That is taking on something that is not our fault.  We can and should be sensitive.  We should learn about the disorder and the tools to improve communication.  We should engage in self reflection about how our behavior impacts a person with very special needs in relationships.  But we must also not take responsibility for our ex being disordered.  That is too much.  That is not our fault.  We cannot be responsible for their emotions.

[jhkbuzz]

I see that this was a pattern of behavior I developed during my marriage – especially at the end.  So many times I simply wanted to please her and do the right thing and express my feelings and it was perceived in such negative ways that it left me feeling like I did not know which way was up or down or right or wrong.  

You are still stuck in the same pattern.

IMHO, nothing good will come out of sending her a card. This is not about her at all - it's about you and why you are still trying to please / love / gain the approval of someone who: has abused you? Discarded you?  Not sure of your entire story... .but I think it might be time for you to let go.

[hopealways]

I have had the same feelings, I feel you. But when I really sat down and thought about the real reason I wanted to send a card or somehow say Happy BDay I had to admit to myself the reason was to trigger a + response from her which would validate me and soothe my pain.

[joeramabeme]

Thanks everyone for the insightful responses; I got something out of all that was said.

I did send a card.  The morning of - I woke up and realized that it does not have to be a she-will-acknowledge-me decision, rather, this is who I am - I am caring and wanting to acknowledge her birthday. 

There is a lot to sift through to find yourself in all of this.  Yes, I still have feelings and I know that is a part of my motivation.  But if I let myself be dictated by trying to avoid my own feelings - isn't that too part of the same responses I have been practicing?  I thought it best to follow what I thought was the right thing for me to do.

In playing it all out in my mind; I cannot perform an emotional amputation of all that I have felt and still do feel for her and for our time together.  It gets really hurtful and confusing to understand that my understanding of our marriage is very different from hers.  She seems to be relieved, was scared of me enough to not want to connect at all since leaving and has totally turned the marriage black by stating she was never happy.  It really hurts to try and reconcile this with my understandings and I simply cannot do it.

While I understand this is part of the disorder, I don't think I have accepted that the disorder is really what it is and hence still keep thinking through all the happenings to locate what I missed.

This whole internal reconciliation process has proved to be far more difficult than I had ever imagined it would be.  What started out as my thought, that I would be able to move forward, has turned into an exercise of feeling a lot of pain.  Not just about us, but my understanding of what I had thought was us but is apparently so far from her understanding.

[Scopikaz]

I'm telling you. I wasn't married. We were together two years.  Lived together 7 months.  But I feel exactly as you do.  This is who I am. I like doing things for those I love. And I can't shut it off like a faucet.  I don't want to continually be used.  But for now I still enjoy spending time with my ex and doing things for her to extent possible.  I don't know. Maybe in some small way it will make a difference. 

[jhkbuzz]

I understand what everyone is saying here - you have to be who you are - decent, caring, live by your moral code, etc. I agree, and I did the same. My ex did terrible things during the course of our r/s - and even during times that I was deeply angry and deeply hurt, I didn't retaliate. I can look back on the r/s and be proud that I remained true to who I am. Even though I made mistakes along the way, I am not ashamed of anything I did. I acted with integrity. She cannot say the same by any stretch of the imagination - and she is still running from her shame.

But - and this is a big but - it's really important to discover what it is in you that chooses to chase after the love/approval/fill-in-the-blank of someone who, at the very least, has been emotionally abusive to you. I say this because I understand the impulse - I did it too! Rather than finding someone who loved and cared for me, I found someone who I bent over backwards for and walked on eggshells for and tried my hardest for - and was utterly disrespected, emotionally abused, and discarded in return.

The breakup was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, by far. But once it was over it was OVER - I understood that continuing to act kindly towards someone who was so emotionally abusive towards me would be akin to abusing myself.

I chose to turn the love and compassion that I felt for her towards myself - and it's the best thing I've ever done.

I read a quote last month:

"I should have loved myself with the love I gave to you."

Indeed.

[cosmonaut]

I'm glad to hear that you made a decision and you are at peace with it.  Sounds like you did a kind thing for the right reasons.  I also think you are spot on that acceptance is fundamental to having a relationship of any sort with a pwBPD.  Strong work.

[joeramabeme]

I understand what everyone is saying here - you have to be who you are - decent, caring, live by your moral code, etc. I agree, and I did the same. My ex did terrible things during the course of our r/s - and even during times that I was deeply angry and deeply hurt, I didn't retaliate. I can look back on the r/s and be proud that I remained true to who I am. Even though I made mistakes along the way, I am not ashamed of anything I did. I acted with integrity. She cannot say the same by any stretch of the imagination - and she is still running from her shame.

But - and this is a big but - it's really important to discover what it is in you that chooses to chase after the love/approval/fill-in-the-blank of someone who, at the very least, has been emotionally abusive to you. I say this because I understand the impulse - I did it too! Rather than finding someone who loved and cared for me, I found someone who I bent over backwards for and walked on eggshells for and tried my hardest for - and was utterly disrespected, emotionally abused, and discarded in return.

The breakup was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, by far. But once it was over it was OVER - I understood that continuing to act kindly towards someone who was so emotionally abusive towards me would be akin to abusing myself.

I chose to turn the love and compassion that I felt for her towards myself - and it's the best thing I've ever done.

I read a quote last month:

"I should have loved myself with the love I gave to you."

Indeed.

JHK, Good questions/Post.  Have been drafting a reply for a day now and can't get it all straightened out. 

Here is what I am clear about.

- I know that I did act with integrity and per my own compass.

- I do not feel that sending a card was akin to abusing myself.

- This is all very confusing because the same person who abused our r/s also loved me deeply and profoundly and made the most substantial positive impact of my lifetime in many many ways

- She attended my mothers funeral, which was one day after our legal divorce court date, and was very thoughtful

- She told me that "love matters" and I believe it is true for me and that it is true for her and that despite all the confusion and pain I feel around the circumstances, she really deserves to be treated respectfully.  Perhaps that means leaving her alone

- I can't just flip a switch and say that I am over it

Will continue to process. 

I am making progress amidst the confusion.

Thanks for challenging me on this.

[jhkbuzz]

This is all very confusing because the same person who abused our r/s also loved me deeply and profoundly and made the most substantial positive impact of my lifetime in many many ways

I understand that ^ on every level possible - and then maybe a couple of more.

That was, by far, the hardest part of the breakup for me to process. It took me over a year to sift through it.

I understand and applaud the fact that you're trying to do the best you can - and acting with integrity.