Invite my BPDsis to my wedding?

[sistertroubles]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time talking about my BPD sister in a public space. I came across a post by user PinkFloyd about her BPD sister and I was practically nodding to everything she wrote about her own BPD sister. It made me think it might be a good idea to share my dilemma here, and I am grateful to any of you who read (and of course, respond).

I am 30y.o and my BPD sister is 8 years older than me. I've always walked on egg shells with her and our relationship can only be described as a rollercoaster. Our good times have been awesome, both with similar senses of humor and an ability to bond over matters great or small. The bad times have been incredibly turbulent and verbally abusive. She's said some horrible things to me along the lines of "I'm so glad to get rid of you, you've been nothing but a burden", only to pretend like no such words transpired the next time we see each other. After years and years of "what the hell did I do wrong this time?", I ended up working in a borderline personality residential facility for teenaged girls and had my "aha" moment. My sister REALLY fit the bill. She's never expressed suicidal thoughts or tendencies, but almost all the other symptoms are spot-on.

Anyway, the last few years I've lived on the other side of the country. I would visit her with hopes time and time again that we can have a peaceful few days, only for something to go horribly wrong. She will go nuts about some small thing with her usual entitled, volatile standpoint. She acts as though we all exist to please her and how dare we disappoint her. The last few times, she used the car as her exercise of power. She literally would kick me out of the car and leave me abandoned somewhere. After a few of these incidences, I had enough. I realized that time and time again, I was dumb enough to hope she would "get better". I thought that since she finally married and had a baby, she would have some inner peace. I saw firsthand that she basically treats her husband the way she treated me and projects her own abandonment fears on her own child. Literally said about her newborn child "If I pick her up when she's crying,she cries a bit longer because she's mad that I took so long to pick her up".

I realized that she will never change, so I finally told her that I am not going to open opportunities for her to abuse me again. Fast forward a year and a half--I'm engaged and set to be married in a few months. Against my better judgment, she is invited. I suppose I'm trying to uphold some traditional semblance of a normal family. But knowing her modus operandi, given the opportunity she WILL ruin my day somehow. I really want to uninvite her and eliminate this stressor.

What should I do?

[ijustwantpeace]

You have my blessing to have your day with out your sister.   It is your day, and you only get one wedding.  I would only invite people that I want to bring into my new life. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Sistertroubles! Welcome! 

I'm so glad that you are reaching out to others here to get help for this joyful event with a difficult sister! There are others here who have also gone through similar situations to yours. I have read other posts in the past where a great suggestion was made to have someone basically "shadow" the BPD throughout the wedding time, keeping them company, talking with them, etc. so that there was less opportunity for the BPD family member to cause disruption and add extra conflict to your happy day. Do you have a close friend that she would know or a family member that you could rely on for something like this?

Would your sister be coming from far away, and bring her family with her? Have you thought about providing hotel accommodations so that she would not be staying with you?

How soon is the wedding? You are wise to prepare ahead of time. 

Wools

[HappyChappy]

Hi Sistertroubles,

I see your predicament. My BPD wrecked my marriage, they get very jealous and hate the focus being on someone else. So you prediction on your sister sound sensible.  So I guess you options are to either:

1)   Sit her down and use S.E.T. to explain why you don’t want her at the wedding.

2)   Try a bit of damage limitation, and not be bothered about whatever she’ll do. Possibly inhibit her, by giving her tasks.

My sister did 1) and our BPD has never let it lie. So I did 2) thinking this would cheer her up, but plenty of criticism on that also. So just do what’s best for your. It’s your day. But I didn’t invite my NPD bro, and he slid in under the radar and also kicked off. My sis on the other hand, just didn’t tell anyone in the family and invited 2 friends –that was it.

But most importantly Congratulations, what an exciting time. Do what’s best for you and your partner, it’s your day.