Had a great date last night

[StillRecovering]

Ever since living in psychotic BPD-world and going through the fallout of the inevitable breakup, I have been hesitant to get back into dating.  The damage that a BPD partner does is severe and can be long-lasting.  But I'm very happy to say that I think I have really turned a corner after going on a fourth date with a lovely woman last night.

I have to be honest... .I was a bit paranoid during the first couple dates.  After some things she said I would be overanalyzing, thinking to myself, "IS IT BPD?" But I took a step back from everything and realized that this woman I've been seeing likely does not have a personality disorder.  My thinking is simply a bit skewed because of what my BPDex put me through.

The part that stands out to me the most is that this woman is secure and confident, and it is real.  It isn't a BPD facade.  She is successful in her career, seems to know what she wants, and knows who she is.  We also really bonded when the topic of past relationships came up.  It didn't sound like her ex was necessarily BPD, but some of the things she told me were pretty crazy.  She was likewise pretty shocked when I told her some of what I experienced, but in the end we laughed over it because we have clearly both moved on.  Of course part of me is still hurt, but I have been working hard on myself, trying to look for the "green flags", and return to a healthy lifestyle.

I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes and want to tell the others out there who are hurting that things can get better.  It takes time, but you can heal from a BPD breakup.  Like I said, I'm still not 100%, but I'm getting there and finding a healthy partner is a big part of that! 

[Moselle]

Still Recovering, 

Thanks for your great note. It has touched on a few big points for me. There is hope for a normal relationship

I have also realised that most of my damage was done before I was married, while I was a child. My wife of 15 years just carried on exploiting my high tolerance of abuse.

I have been on some dates and the outcomes were a bit ugly. Cluster B again.

I like your green flags of  "secure and confident".  What has she done that helps you understand she is secure?

What work are you doing to get yourself right again?

Moselle.

[StillRecovering]

I have been on some dates and the outcomes were a bit ugly. Cluster B again.

Moselle, were your dates with people you met online?  There are a lot of threads on here about how online dating is a breeding ground for Cluster B's.  Tons of attention, instant validation, it's heaven for borderlines.  So I've avoided that and stuck strictly with friends of friends, social groups, and other such ways of meeting people. 

I like your green flags of  "secure and confident".  What has she done that helps you understand she is secure?

What work are you doing to get yourself right again?

I feel that she is secure because she can really talk about who she is.  She knows what her strengths are without being arrogant and she is also comfortable talking about weaknesses and ways she wants to improve herself with clear goals.  With a BPD it would be an all-or-nothing proposition.  Either they think they are perfect when idealizing themselves or the slightest criticism sends them into the spiral of "I'm not good at anything." Many people, myself included, can get very self-conscious when talking about weaknesses or failures.  This woman doesn't seem that way at all, but like I said is also not arrogant.  I think the best words to describe her would be confident but grounded. 

The fact that she and I have both been through tumultuous relationships created a lot of common ground for us.  We seemed to be on the "same team".  I've posted elsewhere that the state of chaos my BPD relationship created was a way of validating some of my own problems keeping me stuck in life.  I have seen this through a lot of reading, reflecting, and hard work in therapy.  I have taken other healthy steps like practicing mindfulness, exercising, and eating healthy, and all of this has helped me to move on.   

I don't want to get ahead of myself though.  It's only been four dates and I don't want to dive right into anything.  Most BPD relationships take shape way too quickly, so I don't want anything like that.  It is just a very comforting feeling to know that there are others out there who have been in painful relationships and are looking for healthy ones.   

[kentavr3]

Stillrecovering! Congratulations! Good news! How long was your process? Yes, we all involved in relationship with BPD can smell now if person is BPD or not. I also met a women , who do not fall in intensive relationship. No more 5-6 par day calls. I don't see any rollecoasters. But, I still missing my exBPDw who left me and found a replacement. BPD does so much and deep wounds.

[kc sunshine]

That is such good news!

And I hear you about the deep wounds of a BPD breakup-- my therapist said it is one of the toughest relationship challenges that anyone might have to face.

[StillRecovering]

Kentavr - This board has really helped me to reframe something very important. I don't miss my BPDex. I miss the way she made me feel. I've separated the emotion from the individual because the emotion she caused is part of her illness. I'm not special and neither is she. She could have idealized anybody.

KC sunshine - That said, missing that emotion can be painful at times. But seeing that there is something, someone else out there is a great stepping stone to recovery. Your therapist is right. Not only is it an incredibly difficult intimate relationship, it is also a difficult therapeutic relationship. My therapist told me most mental health professionals don't want to treat borderlines because the success rate is low, they are difficult to work with, and often end up painting the therapist black and dropping out of treatment.

[Penelope35]

Kentavr - This board has really helped me to reframe something very important. I don't miss my BPDex. I miss the way she made me feel. I've separated the emotion from the individual because the emotion she caused is part of her illness. I'm not special and neither is she. She could have idealized anybody.

This reframing was really helpful for me to hear. Thank you and I hope you only move forward from now on!

[StillRecovering]

Kentavr - This board has really helped me to reframe something very important. I don't miss my BPDex. I miss the way she made me feel. I've separated the emotion from the individual because the emotion she caused is part of her illness. I'm not special and neither is she. She could have idealized anybody.

This reframing was really helpful for me to hear. Thank you and I hope you only move forward from now on!

Penelope - I cannot take credit for this idea of reframing. Another one of our members here gave it to me, but I can't remember who. It is really, really helpful though.

We are all here for the same reason: we are hurting and/or trying to understand a BPD breakup. I miss the way she made me feel. But I don't miss her. There is someone healthy out there for me who will make me feel the same without the devaluing and abuse, just like there is for you. 

[Penelope35]

[quote author=Penelope35

Penelope - I cannot take credit for this idea of reframing. Another one of our members here gave it to me, but I can't remember who. It is really, really helpful though.

We are all here for the same reason: we are hurting and/or trying to understand a BPD breakup. I miss the way she made me feel. But I don't miss her. There is someone healthy out there for me who will make me feel the same without the devaluing and abuse, just like there is for you. 

Thank you for the encouraging words ST. It doesn't matter who said it first. What matters is that people in this forum are more than willing to share and pass on to others things they've learned and experienced so as to assist them in their healing. During days that I am feeling very low, I will always read something that will give me strength to go on. Like your post.

Thanks

[Moselle]

Moselle, were your dates with people you met online? 

Yes they were online.   I can verify from personal experience that online platforms are rife with Cluster B. And I'm still attracted to them 

I'm grateful for them too. I've learned alot about myself through them. And it's time to stop that stuff. I realise i'be got to get healthy for my girls sake.

[Moselle]

I feel that she is secure because she can really talk about who she is.  She knows what her strengths are without being arrogant and she is also comfortable talking about weaknesses and ways she wants to improve herself with clear goals.  With a BPD it would be an all-or-nothing proposition.  Either they think they are perfect when idealizing themselves or the slightest criticism sends them into the spiral of "I'm not good at anything." Many people, myself included, can get very self-conscious when talking about weaknesses or failures.  This woman doesn't seem that way at all, but like I said is also not arrogant.  I think the best words to describe her would be confident but grounded. 

The fact that she and I have both been through tumultuous relationships created a lot of common ground for us.  We seemed to be on the "same team".

So happy for you! Even though it's early days. She sounds lovely.

I think the context of BPD is so powerfully manifest in our lives that we gravitate towards those who have faced similar things.

We share three chikdren so i'll never be completely free of this nonsense. But i no longer have to be a victim of it. It no longer controls me.

[Moselle]

I feel that she is secure because she can really talk about who she is.  She knows what her strengths are without being arrogant and she is also comfortable talking about weaknesses and ways she wants to improve herself with clear goals.  With a BPD it would be an all-or-nothing proposition.  Either they think they are perfect when idealizing themselves or the slightest criticism sends them into the spiral of "I'm not good at anything." Many people, myself included, can get very self-conscious when talking about weaknesses or failures.  This woman doesn't seem that way at all, but like I said is also not arrogant.  I think the best words to describe her would be confident but grounded. 

The fact that she and I have both been through tumultuous relationships created a lot of common ground for us.  We seemed to be on the "same team".

So happy for you! Even though it's early days. She sounds lovely.

I think the context of BPD is so powerfully manifest in our lives that we gravitate towards those who have faced similar things.

I'm excited to meet and connect with a healthy person, but I also realise this can only happen when i can consider myself recovered from co-dependency. What would be in it for her? She deserves a healthy partner too. It's daunting to go back and re-parent my inner child...

[StillRecovering]

So happy for you! Even though it's early days. She sounds lovely.

I think the context of BPD is so powerfully manifest in our lives that we gravitate towards those who have faced similar things.

I'm excited to meet and connect with a healthy person, but I also realise this can only happen when i can consider myself recovered from co-dependency. What would be in it for her? She deserves a healthy partner too. It's daunting to go back and re-parent my inner child...

It's possible that in finding a healthy partner your codependency issues will not come out as much as with a BPD partner.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't work on them.  I've definitely continued to work on mine. 

I completely agree about finding a partner who has been through similar experiences.  We both have a lot to offer.  But I don't think that someone who has not been through such a difficult relationship will understand.  If both partners in the new relationship have recovered, they can help each other grow, rather than tear each other down as in a BPD relationship. 

[strong9]

So happy for you! Even though it's early days. She sounds lovely.

I think the context of BPD is so powerfully manifest in our lives that we gravitate towards those who have faced similar things.

I'm excited to meet and connect with a healthy person, but I also realise this can only happen when i can consider myself recovered from co-dependency. What would be in it for her? She deserves a healthy partner too. It's daunting to go back and re-parent my inner child...

It's possible that in finding a healthy partner your codependency issues will not come out as much as with a BPD partner.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't work on them.  I've definitely continued to work on mine.  

I completely agree about finding a partner who has been through similar experiences.  We both have a lot to offer.  But I don't think that someone who has not been through such a difficult relationship will understand.  If both partners in the new relationship have recovered, they can help each other grow, rather than tear each other down as in a BPD relationship.  

This. I've dated healthy people post my uBPDxw and not had co-dependency triggers. I've dated others with some red flags and not only can I see the red flags coming, but I can feel the co-dependency coming on and am not able to fully control it (though better than with my ex). Unbelievably astute observation, SR.

[kentavr3]

As more BPD gives us pain as more we became codependatnt from them. As my therapist said, in the beginning of a breack up we feel and see only positive side. When time pass, we'll see the normal BPD's side as rage, anger,blames and etc.

[Moselle]

Thanks SR.

I'm doing my best at recovery. I recognise that we can/will switch roles in a new relationship. I just want to make sure I use caring, compassion and kindness, not the dysfunctional roles in the drama triangle. It's important for me to acknowledge the roles I played in these dysfunctional dances/relationships. The Karpmann triangle mentions the roles of persecutor, victim and rescuer.  I've played all three as well, not just my partner. To exit this dance i need to take ownership of my life. I'm busy doing this in a support group - frustratingly, it takes alot of time and effort 

But I'm well on this path to recovery. I'm excited and dedicated to it for myself but also for my three girls. They need a healthy dad.

Thanks for your example. It is inspiring!

[StillRecovering]

I'm doing my best at recovery. I recognise that we can/will switch roles in a new relationship. I just want to make sure I use caring, compassion and kindness, not the dysfunctional roles in the drama triangle. It's important for me to acknowledge the roles I played in these dysfunctional dances/relationships.

This is the most important part.  We need to look at ourselves to recover and heal the wounds.  There isn't much hope for our BPDex's and we could not fix them.  Glad I could help and keep up the recovery!