Feeling of revenge?

[Isa_lala]

Hi

I will soon tell my BF that I want to break up and I have this feeling of revenge in my that I find childish but real.

I have let him hurt me for more than 3 years and I feel anger about him. I have this feeling that I want him to suffer. I know it is really not a good thing, but have you felt the same some times?

[once removed]

hey isa_lala 

I know it is really not a good thing, but have you felt the same some times?

sure. i had a lot of revenge fantasies. it sounds like resentment has been building in you for a long time and youre feeling angry now, do i have that right? revenge fantasies are a relatively normal part of anger. you dont have to act on them and id encourage you not to, but your feelings dont make you a bad person.

[Driver]

Hi

I will soon tell my BF that I want to break up and I have this feeling of revenge in my that I find childish but real.

I have let him hurt me for more than 3 years and I feel anger about him. I have this feeling that I want him to suffer. I know it is really not a good thing, but have you felt the same some times?

My piece of advice, without judging, do not revenge.

The best you can do for yourself and to yourself is to walk away and live your life. Wanting to hurt him would mean that you want to become like him. Is that what you want? I bet no.

[C.Stein]

Hi

I will soon tell my BF that I want to break up and I have this feeling of revenge in my that I find childish but real.

I have let him hurt me for more than 3 years and I feel anger about him. I have this feeling that I want him to suffer. I know it is really not a good thing, but have you felt the same some times?

I have felt an enormous amount of anger towards my ex and still do at times.  I don't want revenge though I want accountability.  I want her to acknowledge what she did and accept responsibility for it. I want to see the guilt and remorse in her eyes so I know she understands how profoundly she hurt and damaged me.  This I know is something I will never get.

I have a never ending broken record of conversations with her in my head, trying to explain to her how deeply she hurt me.  Quite frankly it is driving me crazy because the record just won't stop.

I need acceptance and it continues to elude me.  I will say my emotional state is considerably better than it was 4 months ago, however I still struggle in many debilitating ways that continue to have a negative impact on my life in general.  

[Isa_lala]

I know that my bf will never take any responsibility for what he did. I am not expecting that.

I truly think that the minute I will tell him I am leaving, I will be the bad person, the one responsible of all what happens to him.

The anger I feel right now is good as it drives me toward my goal. It makes me more determined to end the rs

No, I don't want to be like him. I want to be zen again, to just live my life the most quietly as possible. And I know I will.

Thank you for your good words

[hurting300]

Revenge is never a good thing unless you're living well. Trust me, eventually you will just feel sorry for him you know? Just break up in a simple way and try your best to let go.

[Rmbrworst]

I've had revenge fantasies, but they will blow up in your face.  Tell us about them here.  Don't act them out. 

I acted out revenge on my exBPD by tearing him APART with my words.  I called him out on everything he did.  I told him he was a pathetic loser and a sociopath.  I said things that I know destroyed him to his very core.  I shamed him and devalued the relationship he went back to. 

After I did that he cut me out of his life.  I kind of regret saying those mean things.

However it's the only mean thing I did to him, and that's all it took for him to totally delete me.  He couldn't handle the truth. 

Anyway,  point being, take the high road.  You'll regret any form of revenge and sometimes the exBPD will use it as ammo. I'm almost positive he's telling everyone how abusive and cruel I was to him.  He's most likely telling his current BF this, as all he did with me was complain about his exes.

Let it out here.  I don't think any of us will judge the dark feelings you're having.

Much love

[Jazzy]

I agree with C Stein and want  my BPD ex to  be accountable for the way he  treated me. I don't feel vindictive or vengeful , but keep on hoping he will contact me   to apologise for the way in which he broke my trust and betrayed me. I want him to recognize that what he did to me was wrong, very wrong.

It  has been 4 months since I went NC and he has just disappeared . I keep on reading that BPD exes come back , but I doubt mine ever will. I  keep on having conversations in my head about what I will tell him if I see him again, but I know that will never happen. I believe in karma and don't want to take revenge because I have faith that sometime in life he will get what he  truly deserves, that he will pay for the way he has used me . I do , however, want him to  acknowledge that he has destroyed my life and say sorry, but I know that is wishful thinking.

[AndrewS]

Jazzy and C.Stein I'm in the same boat. I'm doing everything that is suggested but can't stop the thinking and wondering what if and having those virtual conversations. I think we just haven't really accepted it and let go yet, although I'm 5 months now and can't see how it's ever going to stop.

For me I want her to read this as it sums her up perfectly. All of this was alluded to by her at one time or another. I don't think I want revenge but I am so angry that I found out what was going on after it was too late. I changed my life and accepted her daughter as mine but she won't even hear my opinion or never really gave us a chance.https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

[steelwork]

My revenge fantasies were all around truth-telling. For instance, my ex told people we had not been in contact for the last few months before he discarded me. He basically told ME we hadn't been in touch. I didn't contradict him, because I was so freaked out and didn't want to make him angrier than he already was, but later I wanted badly to show him that was a lie. And he got with a person he'd been slagging for years, and I had tons of evidence of this (emails, texts, whatnot). I wanted to show him all that just to puncture his bubble of self-delusion.

In my darkest moments I wanted to forward all this stuff to HER --show her what he'd been saying about her right up to the moment they got together.

In the end, I can say I took the high road--perhaps too much so. Definitely too much. I was cowed. There was one email (right after he dumped me by email and then ignored a few responses) in which I said, "You have to bear witness to what's happening now. You owe me at least a phone call." That was probably the hardest I pushed back. Other than that, I was totally on the defensive. He saw to that by lashing out preemptively. I'd never seen him in Mr. Hyde mode, and it scared the hell out of me.

At first I guess my motives for behaving myself were not pure. I was trying to keep a channel of communication open... .IN CASE... .And then he froze me out anyhow. For a while my lack of revenge-taking was still a matter of hoping things would work out. Then after a while it was just fear of his response. Now I don't know what it is. Still, the end result is the same: I took the high road. He did not. He may feel justified on a conscious level, but the fact is that disgraced himself with me. On some deeper level he knows that, and it feeds his shame--I'm sure of that. So now maybe he's my cautionary tale. I don't want to feel that shame.

Sorry for the long rant. I hope it has some relevance.


I'm a big believer in writing-not-sending, by the way.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have this feeling that I want him to suffer. I know it is really not a good thing, but have you felt the same some times?

Actually it is a good thing: anger is a normal response to abuse and disrespect, and what wouldn't be good is if you didn't feel it.  Plus, anger is a normal, healthy part of grieving the relationship and detaching.

When I left my ex I wanted to kill the fcking btch, she deserved it ten times over, at least in my head, and had I not left her I would have ended up in jail for sure.  But that amount of anger and rage doesn't do anyone any good, eats you up inside, necessary for a period yes, but the good news is it lessens and wanes with time, where today I have sympathy and compassion for her, it's a very tough road she walks, and I'm also grateful for the relationship because of what I've learned since, in response to pain yes, but learned nonetheless. 

So there's something to look forward to, it's a process, don't make yourself wrong for feeling what you feel as you work through it, emotions are never wrong, just, whatever you do, don't make it worse or do something you'll regret, a good frame to make decisions from.  Take care of you!

[steelwork]

Actually it is a good thing: anger is a normal response to abuse and disrespect, and what wouldn't be good is if you didn't feel it.  Plus, anger is a normal, healthy part of grieving the relationship and detaching.

I agree so wholeheartedly with this. What I did (see story above) was stuffing my feelings. Since that time I've been learning a lot about myself. One thing I learned is that I had a longstanding pattern of stuffing feelings of anger and disappointment with people I love. They were not safe to express when I was a kid. I was told in a million ways that I was loved to the extent that I had no emotional needs. Detachment wasn't really an option with my mom, at least whenI was a kid. I needed her for food and shelter. But the pattern stuck (which is obvious from how I responded to being dumped), and the result was chronic depression.

I am working on it!

That said, I'm glad I didn't act on my revenge fantasies. They were all passive-aggressive fantasies anyhow.

[C.Stein]

For me I think the toughest thing is knowing the lies she is telling herself (and probably others) to paint me as the one who wronged and mislead her.  I can hear her in my head even now "justifying", playing the victim, saying all the reasons that I am a "bad" person in that special never again/good riddance tone of voice of hers to whoever would listen at the time (the replacement, her housemate, etc... .).  

I want to dispel all that (even if I know it won't last), want her to understand the lies she is telling herself are just that ... .lies.  It definitely hurts knowing the woman I loved like no other probably thinks I am a bad, evil person now ... .all so she can avoid accountability for her actions.

At this point, 6+ months after being thrown away I am certain I am nothing more than a distant memory to her ... .another footnote in her life.  For me at times it is like we were together yesterday.  That hurts too.

[MapleBob]

I could easily destroy my ex's life with some of the information I have about her (mainly secrets she's kept from key people in her life) ... .but I won't. I'm not that guy, and putting out that kind of negativity comes back at you (always) in some way or another. You won't be angry and have feelings of revenge forever, but the consequences of acting on those feelings might actually last forever.