24 Years of Not knowing what to do.

[Mythreesons1966]

Hi,

Completely new to sharing this information on an open platform, how does one get the courage to make that big step to leave. After trying to direct the other half to seek help, its been nothing but an uphill battle.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[letmeout]

Eventually you just can't take it anymore and you hit rock bottom and bail.

At least that is what happened to me after 35 yrs.  I just walked out one day and left everything behind.

Lost most everything in the divorce but it was worth every penny to get my BPD of 35 yrs completely out of my life.

For me to move on I had to go complete No Contact; sometimes its the only way.

[waverider]

 

Hi Mythreesons

Would you you like to share some of your situation and tell us why you think leaving is your only option. A lot may be possible that you have not done yet.

The decision you seek is often easier when you have attempted to turn things around in a more informed way. Without help we invariably make things much worse than they need be.

Confusion and hopelessness cripples our ability to move forward in any direction.

Waverider

[Verbena]

The title of your post really got my attention.  I am at 33.5 years of not knowing what to do.  I've finally admitted to myself that I can't fix it, can't change it, and have dropped it all in God's lap.  The problem is I keep trying to take it back on my shoulders, and that isn't working either. 

I'm speaking the truth to people I know (not necessarily giving the gruesome details) and have gotten some counseling finally.  One day at a time. 

[Mythreesons1966]

Where do I start?

I have left a few times... with promises that things will change. When I come back things are ok for a few months. We spend time together and actually communicate, then I start to feel the distancing. Then the outbursts of anger, or telling me that I am irritating her for the smallest of things. Like Simply drinking coffee... and so much more...

I even started to think I was the issue and went to go see the Dr. to have a consultation. To make a long story short I was refered to seek counselling and I have found out that I have what is called a low level type of depression called Dythemia. Which is caused by constant subjection to stress, this makes one think that when things get stressful he or she things its normal they get numb to it. Now back to the issue, I have looked for help she refuses... and keeps coming back to me being the root problem of all her anger. Which not true either, how would it explain her violent outbursts to her mother fists in the air in her face, or her Fits of violence to me... by punching my jaw... and laughing when I explain to her what she just did was abuse. To then her reply when she tells me "Abuse... ha. Thats not abuse... if I hit you with my right fist ... NOW THAT WOULD BE ABUSE!"

Sad part is... now every time I think about any of this... its all jumbled up and hard to explain... its all so crazy.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Mythreesons,  welcome.  Most people in this forum know how you feel and can relate to what you are saying.  I have been married 30 something years and spent a lot of it wondering what was going on.  Feeling rock solid sometimes to just crazy upset others. 

Abuse is never ok.  So with that being said, there are some tools and strategies to help yourself get better and possibly your relationship will improve as a result.  At least, you can gain insight into what is actually going on.

I like you,  often felt that things had turned the corner for the better and then was blindsided by anger and the worst is feeling like you did something wrong, knowing you had no intention of angering your spouse, but no clue what the anger is all about.

After learning more about BPD, at least I am not in denial or confused about what is happening.  I am not going to say that it is an easy process, but working on myself has helped me to set boundaries and decide what I am comfortable accepting and what I will not be part of.  To make a life for myself that is more to my liking instead of reacting to my partner's wild mood swings.

Good luck to you. i look forward to hearing more of your story.

[cartman1]

I feel like you are writing my biography, I went to the Doctor, was referred to CBT and was adamant Iwas not depressed

[waverider]

The problem we get too wrapped up in how can i convince them they have a problem and how can I fix it.

Really it is important that we think more along the lines of how can we stop stirring up the crazy monkeys and prevent them from getting out of their head into ours.

[letmeout]

I was on these forums for two years and followed all of the advice. Nothing seemed to help with me conforming to try to better my BPD's behavior, but I think he was also a narcissist. Those two disorders seem to go hand in hand for some folk.

Hanging in there depends on how much abuse you can take and for how long and when you get too tired of walking on eggshells.

[waverider]

I was on these forums for two years and followed all of the advice. Nothing seemed to help with me conforming to try to better my BPD's behavior, but I think he was also a narcissist. Those two disorders seem to go hand in hand for some folk.

Hanging in there depends on how much abuse you can take and for how long and when you get too tired of walking on eggshells.

There are no guarantees, in fact it can be called a success to know you have turned every stone and come to accept there is nothing more you can do. That enables you to move forward without the never ending "what ifs?". Greater understanding also reduces ongoing bitterness.

Hence we focus oin getting ourselves together and our recovery, rather than in "fixing" a pwBPD. Hopefully this can be  aflow on consequence but it is not the primary aim