Introduction from a frustrated former roommate AND colleague

[Earl Hegge]

I was looking for a good title, but anyway.

So I have been suffering with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (a very rare genetic disorder that takes forever and often gets misdiagnosed and ironically enough often treated as mental illness), but had a roommate with BPD, let's call her "Ellen" as a pseudonym to keep it anonymous.  We actually became roommates because we were getting graduate degrees together, also what I would say ironically was in counseling psychology and learning diagnostics and to treat mental health care.  We both eventually moved on, but it was really difficult and crazy-making to be in the same program and to be living together.  For awhile even the program felt like it, itself, had a mental illness which actually -- at one point during the peak of my physical illness we even had to have an intervention because at one point this roommate (who had for awhile started doing very inappropriate and creepy things that were crossing sexual lines that we had set and then stalking me when I was on dates with other people and freaking out about it and who I tried very hard to keep close boundaries with).  When we had the intervention they told her that if she didn't stop her behavior (we met with both of our advisors individually), that in addition to recommending to moving arrangements (which would have been very hard during my illness), that they would put her on academic probation.  At first I was so shell-shocked myself that I thought this was good, and then I realized that they did not even put a person training to be a counselor on academic probation for doing illegal stalking - things that the POLICE would not have allowed, let alone a mental health training program.

As things went on, it got weirder.  Her advisor started doing THERAPY with her, which is completely a no no, against the code of ethics.  Meanwhile the roommate started to behave more bizarrely (now what I know is classic borderline).  She would act as if I were literally dead or did not exist.  Now this might have flown in a big class or not in counseling, but we literally HAD to interact a LOT.  There were only 6 of us in most of the classes.  SIX!  And so when I would talk she would pretend as if I were not there and even when I would talk directly to her or the professor would address her she would just ignore it.  But, not sure why, like seriously almost all of the professors would just let her do this.  I felt as though I were the one losing my mind being a psych-related program and literally watching a madhouse enfold in front of me.  I also kind of had an existential crisis because I started to feel as though MY degree meant nothing if she was the type of person who could get one too if they just didn't care that they were letting someone that dangerous and unhealthy get a Ph.D...   And maybe I should not have felt that way, but I did.  It all felt so meaningless and I felt helpless.  But her advisor would just say they were "working on it".  And my advisor would just keep ignoring it as we went through 3 years of hell (keeping in mind this was a M.S. and Joint Ph.D. so it was 2 degrees together - 2 years master's and then 5 years Ph.D. so - minimum though of 5 years of classes together.  I did move out as soon as I was healthy enough, but then I also felt as though they were punishing me, and punishing me far worse for being sick with illness and needing surgical and medical procedures and needing some extensions VERY brief extensions for surgeries (I mean literally 1 times I needed one week on a final project and 2 times I needed 1-2 day extensions on some rough drafts of things)... .Meanwhile they never seemed to be doing anything about her and it was known throughout our program that they had passed her 2 years for not even turning in anything sometimes or fully not completing important things like a master's thesis which we all had to do, which felt inherently unfair.  It felt as though the whole place was honestly ... .the twilight zone.  Legitimate genetic disorder and hospitalizations were being punished "we expect MORE from YOU!" they would say, and threaten to hold me back.  And they would pass her without finishing.  I eventually saw a therapist myself to learn to let that go and not make it about me.  And hopefully it made me a better therapist.

But eventually it got so inappropriate I told my advisor we needed another meeting AND thankfully one professor reported her awful behavior.  I finally felt as though something was going to happen so that the classes would have to change in some way - SOME intervention.

After we met I was able to say how it made me feel to be ignored in class, in such a small class and have everyone in the program, all the professors pretending as though it was okay.  Her advisor even backed up that it was not okay.  I honestly had the impression that she might get kicked out of the program.  They asked me to leave because the intervention was confidential.

I left for an hour, and was called back in.  When I came back in the other advisor was gone and so was "Ellen".  I asked her if things would be better now.  My advisor told me that we could not talk about it anymore.  I looked at her confused.  She said, "Well we decided that it would be best for me to become Ellen's advisor now, so now it's a conflict of interest for me to talk about Ellen with you.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!  Now I had lost the support of my own advisor.

I went through a massive crisis.  I called friends who were no longer in my program and they were all happier than I was, all thriving it seemed.  All had great support and were going through NONE of this.

Anyway, so that winter I almost just dropped out of the program because I couldn't handle it anymore.  I had 3 people who had been groomed to be on my prelim committee, but we were still in seminars and I had been doing research with my advisor and another professor.  I just emailed both of them to say that I didn't think it would be feasible to continue working under these conditions without support.

Without talking to my advisor the other professor called me.  He told me I was very talented and to not give up.  He said that I should continue.  He also told me not-so-subtly that I had the *option* of changing advisors and that sometimes that is the best thing for everyone.  He also said that he happened to have openings for another student and I was one of the few that he would be willing to take... .so not subtly at all.

I honestly was shocked.  I had felt like the whole department was against me and the whole situation had destroyed my confidence and I almost did not get my Ph.D. because of it.

Anyway, so I ended up switching and even dropping the old advisor totally and just reforming committees.  I passed and got my Ph.D.

Not long after I did, our program had a massive sweep and almost lost its accreditation based upon the massive indiscretions that came out based upon a lawsuit that happened because of that student.  We ended up hearing rumors about things from behind the scenes that we would've never imagined.  I was thankful to be long gone from there.  It was the worst time of my life.

So now I'm at the point where I won't tell people not to go into the profession, but I will tell people not to go there.  And I have definitely seen the massive damage BPD can do to a whole community -- but it was shocking to see it happen in a Counseling Psych program that had a full class on borderline treatment.  Seriously, some days we felt as if they were putting us through a hazing experiment just for fun -- so unethical and disgusting.  Of all places.

I've met people with BPD outside in the world who I could easily handle -- I think it was the context and situation that made it far too overwhelming at the time.  And really I hope some day I can look back on it and feel more than just PTSD and bile.

[Turkish]

Hi EH,



This wasn't just feeling that everyone was against you; they were. No wonder the PTSD. It wasn't because of who you were, but who she was and what sounds like a whole lot of unhealthy triangulation by 3rd parties. Not knowing much about you world even (I'm a techie), the sounds utterly off the wall. Despite it all, congratulations on accomplishing your goal.

Careers and work are how a lot of people define a significant part of their value. Given that's how most of us make a living, the value is also literal; it goes towards our very survival. Emotionally, it can go further to define us as people, especially in the caregiver and rescuer professions. What you describe must be triggering on so many levels.

You made it. You accomplished your goal, despite a confusing and toxic situation. Yet you still seem traumatized. How can we help?

Turkish