My daughter is starting to recognize her father is a narcissist

[unicorn2014]

Today my daughter was disappointed by her father yet again when he didn't show up for church and he didn't call her. He used to show up for church and then hang out with her afterwards but now that he's fulfilled his community service hours he's doing other things. To make matters worse another kid's father asked my daughter about her father and suggested she call him. People used to do that to me until they finally got the reason I divorced him. Now they are going after her. I read to her from this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/what-borderlines-and-narcissists-fear-most-part

I read this to her and asked her who it reminded her of:

We are social creatures, born needing our parents, our families, and our communities. And our most cherished dream is finding that one special someone with whom to share our life. Others enrich our life and make it worth living.

But this basic human need becomes distorted--even disturbed-- for people with narcissistic and borderline personality disorder. Just what those needs are depends upon whether your loved one has NPD or BPD (or both).

Narcissists require others for for than attention: they rely on them for the overarching "narcissistic supply": anything that builds them up and confirms their superiority, gradiosity, and entitlement. They are terrified of losing it.

She said does it begin with d, end with d and have an a in the middle?

Then she told me she remembered one time when her dad and I got in a fight and he said its not about her, being our daughter, and I said yes it is (in her defense).

I apologized to her for her father being a narcissist.


Any thoughts on what my role is in all this?

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

This is tough for both you and your daughter. I am sorry this happened to her.

To help you determine what your role is in all of this, I encourage you to take a look at the lessons in the right-hand side margin of this board (even if you have already done so before).

There are lessons there for raising resilient children when a parent is disordered and for how to deal with parental alienation. I think it's important to always keep these lessons in mind when talking to your daughter about her dad.

Informing your daughter about what's going on and that it isn't her fault is important I think. Only advice I have is to also be very mindful about not sharing (too much of) your frustation about her dad with her. Finding the right balance between informing and sharing frustration is essential I think, yet can also be difficult.

Take care

[unicorn2014]

Hi unicorn2014

This is tough for both you and your daughter. I am sorry this happened to her.

To help you determine what your role is in all of this, I encourage you to take a look at the lessons in the right-hand side margin of this board (even if you have already done so before).

There are lessons there for raising resilient children when a parent is disordered and for how to deal with parental alienation. I think it's important to always keep these lessons in mind when talking to your daughter about her dad.

Thank you kwamina, I will. I am familiar with the lessons on other boards, but no so much on this board so I appreciate the direction.

Informing your daughter about what's going on and that it isn't her fault is important I think. Only advice I have is to also be very mindful about not sharing (too much of) your frustation about her dad with her. Finding the right balance between informing and sharing frustration is essential I think, yet can also be difficult.

Take care

Thank you kwamina, I'm sure I've erred in the past on sharing too much of my frustration however now I think she's old enough to understand the disorder so I can be more factually based. I appreciate the feedback.

[Turkish]

Remind us again... .is her father actually diagnosed as having NPD?

[unicorn2014]

Remind us again... .is her father actually diagnosed as having NPD?

Her father does not believe in mental illness so would not see a professional. The last diagnosis he got was bipolar as a twenty something in an emergency room after a PCP overdose, this was before I met him. He's also been in a rehab program before I met him.

Was that a rhetorical question or a leading question?

[Turkish]

What's done is done, but it may be better to focus on what he behaviors he displays and how they affect her  rather than diagnosing him yourself. What if your daughter calls him out on being NPD? Her father may intuit that this came from you, and it could lead to more drama/unhealthy triangulation. She may be a wise in the world 15 year old (I've read your posts about her rebellions), but she's still 15, and he's still her daddy, narcissistic and unhealthy as he is. It might be better to guide her to her own conclusions, rather than leading her to yours. 

[unicorn2014]

She complained to me today about how hurt she felt that not only did he not show up at church but he didn't even call her. They are not just my conclusions. His former employee's wife told me he couldn't love anyone but himself. My former therapist told me he was sociopathic. I took kwamina's advice and am starting to read the lessons on raising a resilient kid. I've taken a parenting apart class about how to parent while divorced, I've been to al-anon, but this will be a whole new wealth of information, about how to "co-parent" with a disordered person. I'm looking forward to learning new material. I tried to print out the first pdf but for some reason it kept coming up blank in preview.

Oh, she's even complained about him to my brother.

And, she would not call him out on being NPD, she's very much against snitching and has an almost mafia sense of ethics, don't ask, don't tell, don't poke your nose in other people's business because she doesn't want them poking their nose in hers. She's very much about secrecy, privacy, nondisclosure, coverups, etc.

[Turkish]

Here, some of us need to parallel patent, rather than co. Given your primary custody and stories, you've been doing that.

Her reticence is partly normal for a teen, but it's probably also the dynamic she's gotten from him. Complicated.

Validating a child, rather than a pwBPD, can be both eaiser and more complicated than doing so with an adult. Keep going through the lessons.

Can you post the blank link? It might be something we need to fix.

[unicorn2014]

Here, some of us need to parallel patent, rather than co. Given your primary custody and stories, you've been doing that.

Her reticence is partly normal for a teen, but it's probably also the dynamic she's gotten from him. Complicated.

Validating a child, rather than a pwBPD, can be both eaiser and more complicated than doing so with an adult. Keep going through the lessons.

Can you post the blank link? It might be something we need to fix.

I have the book "I don't have to make everything all better". Yes, we are parallel parenting, however he barely parents her at all. Not only did he not show up to church and not call her, but another father asked her about him and then suggested she call him. People used to do that to me but they don't bother me anymore. Now they're starting to bother her.

Here is the link https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/anger_blame.pdf When I try to print it from safari it came up blank. I finished it and have moved on to the next lesson in raising a resilient child.

-----

I should add the last time I talked to him, the Thursday before last, he blamed our separation for her bad behavior, taking no responsibility for the fact that his bad behavior is what caused our separation. It will be 10 years this September that we've been divorced and he's still acting like a victim. He's got foolish people duped.

[unicorn2014]

(The lesson on child development and parents with mental illness is triggering and sad to me.)