Self-soothing & other questions

[anon72]

Hi,

Yes, it is empowering to know why I feel the way I do - particularly with respect to anxiety, coping styles & self-esteem.  My uBPD mother never trusted anyone really and always thinks the worst etc. - and am sure never learnt to self-soothe.  Yes, it is not her fault, am sure that some sort of child abuse is responsible.  However, she has never accepted that anything is her fault - etc. etc. 

However, I can also get quite scared because:

1.  I saw my mother as my emotional anchor (silly, I know), and now have finally realized that I cannot trust her at all - even though she means well (I guess).  Well, she is highly manipulative, but doesn't realize that of course.  As a single male living overseas, I just feel very alone sometimes, as I don't have many friends where I am living at the moment. And it scares me, being totally alone, even though I have been living overseas for a number of years.  Yes, have had issues with this in the past, but it is all becoming crystal clear why it is that way (ie. why I am the way I am) - if that makes sense. 

And yes, I have problems with low self esteem, I seem to fall apart when some sort of life event happens to me - like breaking up with a girlfriend/quitting smoking etc. (did both in the last 11 months - which is great - as I made both decisions - but started to really fall apart about 3 months ago - am much better now than I was).  And most importantly, it made me realize that I needed to develop a healthy self esteem before I get into another relationship and deal with my "emotional baggage" first and foremost.  However, despite this, I am still proud of these important decisions, as my gf was emotionally distant (which was not what I needed).  And am proud of the fact that I am not abusing substances or alcohol or anything to try and "dull" the pain.  Except for exercise

At other times, I can get through most things reasonably well, travel and do all sorts of interesting things.  But it was always in the background (this "stuff" - although I thought it had gone - but it was waiting until I was ready to deal with the underlying reasons for my issues.

2.  I have been learning CBT for probably about 7 weeks now - and while it does help much of the time - I still have a tendency at times to assume the worst - and spiral down at times in spite of what I know.  It seems like it is like a broken record where there are grooves and my mind at times just wants to go down that track - whether or not I try and stop it or not.  Sure, my CBT techniques help much of the time - but just wondering whether or not anyone else has found this also?  In other words, I never learnt to self-soothe for 43 years and am now trying to finally learn.  Am working like crazy on mindfulness and CBT, but a slow process.  I still have days where I really struggle.  In particular, my issues relate to unloveability, having friends etc.  And yes, I struggle with being alone, but am working like crazy at being better at it, and am getting better at it slowly but surely.  Which I have to, as am spending quite a bit of time by myself (as am not tons of fun to be around at the moment).

From reading - I learnt to scan at an early age in order to try and figure out what was going on with my mother.  Accordingly, I over-analyze people way too much - often concluding that they don't like me or are upset at me (particularly) - not that it is about them (when things are clearly not about us - but about them).  Even more so lately - as I am going through a difficult stage after discovering all of this (even though it was an epiphany and a positive thing - it scares me to death). 

My mum was often paranoid (overanalyzing not paranoid in the sense of medically "paranoid" about what people were saying etc. - and I have been there in the past as well - when I was depressed and overanalyzed stuff.  Anyways, I am probably still mildly depressed at the moment - and am over-sensitive about stuff - as I feel very lonely at the moment and trying to deal with all this stuff (can't really talk to anyone here where I live).  So I am assuming the worst, jumping to conclusions after talking to people etc. - and know that I am doing this.  So what am I trying to say.  I know what I am doing (when I do it) and using CBT to try and cope more positively, I am not trying to blame people anymore but accept responsibility for my life (even though I spent many years blaming another person or situation for stuff - only just realized this), but am finding it very difficult to try and change these patterns.  I am trying soo hard to do this, but sometimes it just feels overwhelming. 

Can anyone relate to what I am saying?  I have definitely made a commitment to recovery (and learning better coping styles/strategies), but am just scared at times (particularly when I read these articles or books dealing with my BPD mother & childhood - very intense and overwhelming stuff at times). 

Thank you for listening.

Cheers,

Anon72

[Kwamina]

Hi anon72

I think many of us will be able to relate to your post, I know I do! I found learning about BPD very liberating, yet also very surreal. Healing is great of course but can also be quite scary and overwhelming. Learning about BPD helps open our eyes to the dysfunction and allows us to look at our past and present with new eyes so to speak. This also means that you are probably more able to see the ways you've been damaged and any unhealthy behaviors or traits you might have yourself. Have you taken a look at the Survivor's Guide in the right-hand side margin of this board? Where do you feel you are on that guide?

You mention the topic of self-soothing. We recently had what I consider a great thread on this exact same subject. I encourage you to take a look at it: Self Soothing

Take care

[HappyChappy]

Hi anon72,

I’m so sorry you have had to go through all this. But at least the healing has begun which is a good thing. I also found CBT realy helpfull, so glad you've found that.

Some self soothing tips:

1)   Being around Nature and the countryside

2)   Following an artistic hobby

3)   Caring for passive pets – rabbits are good for me

4)    Counting your blessing (this has scientific backing)

They also say ,helping others out can be soothing, which is why I'm posting this (how selfish am I ?). Welcome to the forum.  

[busybee1116]

1.  I saw my mother as my emotional anchor (silly, I know), and now have finally realized that I cannot trust her at all - even though she means well (I guess).  Well, she is highly manipulative, but doesn't realize that of course.  As a single male living overseas, I just feel very alone sometimes, as I don't have many friends where I am living at the moment. And it scares me, being totally alone, even though I have been living overseas for a number of years.  Yes, have had issues with this in the past, but it is all becoming crystal clear why it is that way (ie. why I am the way I am) - if that makes sense. 

Not silly to think of your mom as your anchor. We are hardwired from birth for this, and my mother made me even more dependent on her than most (that whole emotional incest thing). Knowing she can't be relied on took years to figure out. It's quite disorienting to realize that you are different from others who have (relatively) normal mothers and they can't relate, and you lack the very person to help you feel less alone. The being alone part took me awhile. Post here lots. It helps. Find "your people." For me, it was a yoga studio. Not only was yoga great for me to get through some of this nonsense, but after awhile I became a "regular" and got to know like-minded people. I tried volunteering for a bit at community events but that was so impersonal, tried going back to church but that didn't fit either. I went to a few meet-up meditation groups but they were not my style. I didn't have time for more in depth stuff and realized pretty quickly I was not in any shape to volunteer to work with kids or other people in need when I had so much to work on personally. Just try out different things and keep your expectations low. Go in with the idea that this is a trial, you aren't forcing anything and it may not work out. It's okay to leave. At first, I wasn't sure who I was or what I liked because I'd spent so much time defining my needs by hers. It was quite a trip. I'm almost the same age as you--I figured this out around 37-38. It took about a year to "land."

And yes, I have problems with low self esteem, I seem to fall apart when some sort of life event happens to me - like breaking up with a girlfriend/quitting smoking etc. (did both in the last 11 months - which is great - as I made both decisions - but started to really fall apart about 3 months ago - am much better now than I was).  And most importantly, it made me realize that I needed to develop a healthy self esteem before I get into another relationship and deal with my "emotional baggage" first and foremost.  However, despite this, I am still proud of these important decisions, as my gf was emotionally distant (which was not what I needed).  And am proud of the fact that I am not abusing substances or alcohol or anything to try and "dull" the pain.  Except for exercise

You're being very hard on yourself. You've done some great work this year! And dulling the pain with exercise is probably the lesser of evils. I think for me, the most important thing was figuring out I was actually doing it--numbing out with food or tv or alcohol or whatever. Just that little pause to say... .hey, what am I avoiding? Then feeling that if applicable or writing a bit. Am I really just TIRED? Maybe I should go to bed. If you haven't seen this, it's also worth a gander

www.dbsasandiego.org/resource-cd/other/GRAPES%20Sign.pdf

www.abigailburdlcsw.com/some-grapes-a-day-keep-the-psychiatrist-away/

When I find myself numbing out now, I scan the list and see if there's anything I need. Often it's social time or pleasure. Being social can be as simple as texting or emailing someone or coming here. I think you need to work on the "being gentle" part 

At other times, I can get through most things reasonably well, travel and do all sorts of interesting things.  But it was always in the background (this "stuff" - although I thought it had gone - but it was waiting until I was ready to deal with the underlying reasons for my issues.

I keep asking my therapist... .when will I stop thinking/feeling/doing this? Why do I keep going back over this? Why can't I let go? I've been in therapy now off and on for 5 years. It does get better, but I'm here to tell you it never goes away. I guess the possibility exists that it might, but I'm hoping it becomes more of a hangnail and less of a gaping flesh wound. I'm somewhere in between now. It's taken me awhile to be ok with that. We all have stuff and this is my thing.

2.  I have been learning CBT for probably about 7 weeks now - and while it does help much of the time - I still have a tendency at times to assume the worst - and spiral down at times in spite of what I know.  It seems like it is like a broken record where there are grooves and my mind at times just wants to go down that track - whether or not I try and stop it or not.  Sure, my CBT techniques help much of the time - but just wondering whether or not anyone else has found this also? 

See above. Yes to broken record and grooves. You will get new grooves, though. Before, you could not hear that the record was skipping or repeating. Now you can. It's annoying, isn't it? CBT helps you lift the needle into a new groove. Over time, it will start happening without as much effort. One day, the needle may stick in the new groove.

  So what am I trying to say.  I know what I am doing (when I do it) and using CBT to try and cope more positively, I am not trying to blame people anymore but accept responsibility for my life (even though I spent many years blaming another person or situation for stuff - only just realized this), but am finding it very difficult to try and change these patterns.  I am trying soo hard to do this, but sometimes it just feels overwhelming. 

I wish hard work were enough. I think time is the second ingredient... .and just having repeat experiences where things are different because you are different. Those repeat experiences reinforce the new grooves. Just know you are on the right track. It is overwhelming! I joke "that's how you know it's working." I think recognizing that you are in the dance/old pattern/ruminating and PAUSING to say "THIS AGAIN?" is the start. Then the magic can happen. I rest in that... .whenever I see a THIS AGAIN? moment, I laugh now and take a few breaths. Just remember it took you 43 years to get here, your brain is not going to understand the changes you've made in 7 weeks, 11 months etc for a few years. It's like pickling. You're still a cucumber! Let it marinate for a bit 

[Sea Holly]

Hi anon72

Relate? Oh yes! I felt (and still feel) scared, confused, angry, guilty, relieved, and then angry some more. My 'epiphany' came a couple of years ago and I'm still making sense of it - but it is slowly getting easier.

Some self soothing tips:

1)   Being around Nature and the countryside

2)   Following an artistic hobby

3)   Caring for passive pets – rabbits are good for me

4)    Counting your blessing (this has scientific backing)

Yes, yes, yes and yes! And keep going with the mindfulness - it's been the biggest help for me. The gratitude/counting your blessings that HappyChappy mentions can be for the smallest thing - birdsong, the feel of the sun on your face, a hot drink. Noticing these small things makes me feel so much better.

I'd also add exercise and healthy living. I now take much better care of my physical health, I eat well, go to the gym, and walk my dog every day (achieving HappyChappy's 1 and 3 in one go!). It feels like a really positive thing to do. Huge congratulations for quitting smoking - that's taken a massive effort, and at a time when you're going through a difficult time, too. Which reminds me of something my therapist once said to me - she called me "heroic". That helped me to shift my thinking - I always used to see myself as a victim, but aren't we all actually fighters? Look at what we went through/are going through - and here we are making every effort to lead our lives as decent people. When I stopped seeing myself as a victim I gradually began to feel much more in control of my life.

Take care xx

[anon72]

Hi anon72

I think many of us will be able to relate to your post, I know I do! I found learning about BPD very liberating, yet also very surreal. Healing is great of course but can also be quite scary and overwhelming. Learning about BPD helps open our eyes to the dysfunction and allows us to look at our past and present with new eyes so to speak. This also means that you are probably more able to see the ways you've been damaged and any unhealthy behaviors or traits you might have yourself. Have you taken a look at the Survivor's Guide in the right-hand side margin of this board? Where do you feel you are on that guide?

You mention the topic of self-soothing. We recently had what I consider a great thread on this exact same subject. I encourage you to take a look at it: Self Soothing

Take care

Thank you Kwamina for your post, it is very helpful!  Liberating, yet surreal - indeed it is.  And exhausting at times/overwhelming - indeed.

Yes, it is amazing how I can see myself with new eyes after all these years, incredible.  And I can definitely see how I've been damaged and any unhealthy behaviours that I have also.  I would say that I am in the later stages of mourning, but also partly on the road of healing.  I don't know if that is possible - after this short amount of time.  But I think that I was angry enough at my family (without knowing why) for the last year or two - so feel like I had enough anger already - and it wasn't until recently that my epiphany came.  So would say I am around 15-17 re Healing. 

Well actually, I read it again (didn't realize that they were links) and am still very early in the process - still a breakthrough crisis at the moment - remembering lots of stuff - trying to make sense of it all.  And am now being a perfectionist - trying to ensure that I know exactly what level I am at - - hilarious anon72 - who cares - just keep on keeping on :D  Yes, I am talking to myself, find it helps sometimes!

Thank you for that reference, greatly appreciated, will have a good look.  Thx again.

Take care

[anon72]

Hi anon72,

I’m so sorry you have had to go through all this. But at least the healing has begun which is a good thing. I also found CBT realy helpfull, so glad you've found that.

Some self soothing tips:

1)   Being around Nature and the countryside

2)   Following an artistic hobby

3)   Caring for passive pets – rabbits are good for me

4)    Counting your blessing (this has scientific backing)

They also say ,helping others out can be soothing, which is why I'm posting this (how selfish am I ?). Welcome to the forum.  

Thank you Happy Chappy for your kind welcome, couldn't agree more - thank you for reminding me of all these important things!  Am working on doing this as much as possible - in particular nature/countryside, editing video as a hobby and being grateful as much as possible.  It is really good to be amongst others who understand what I am going through, thanks again.  Cheers, Anon72 

[anon72]

Hi anon72

Relate? Oh yes! I felt (and still feel) scared, confused, angry, guilty, relieved, and then angry some more. My 'epiphany' came a couple of years ago and I'm still making sense of it - but it is slowly getting easier.

Some self soothing tips:

1)   Being around Nature and the countryside

2)   Following an artistic hobby

3)   Caring for passive pets – rabbits are good for me

4)    Counting your blessing (this has scientific backing)

Yes, yes, yes and yes! And keep going with the mindfulness - it's been the biggest help for me. The gratitude/counting your blessings that HappyChappy mentions can be for the smallest thing - birdsong, the feel of the sun on your face, a hot drink. Noticing these small things makes me feel so much better.

I'd also add exercise and healthy living. I now take much better care of my physical health, I eat well, go to the gym, and walk my dog every day (achieving HappyChappy's 1 and 3 in one go!). It feels like a really positive thing to do. Huge congratulations for quitting smoking - that's taken a massive effort, and at a time when you're going through a difficult time, too. Which reminds me of something my therapist once said to me - she called me "heroic". That helped me to shift my thinking - I always used to see myself as a victim, but aren't we all actually fighters? Look at what we went through/are going through - and here we are making every effort to lead our lives as decent people. When I stopped seeing myself as a victim I gradually began to feel much more in control of my life.

Take care xx

Hi Sea Holly, thank you for your understanding and support!  Yes, the mindfulness, couldn't agree more - as well as the gratitude.  Not always finding it easy at the moment to be grateful - but am doing my best - which is all we can ever do.  Yes, thank you regarding the congrats with respect to quitting smoking - you are right - it was a big decision, but one that had to be made.  And yes, "heroic" - yes indeed, I keep reminding myself of that - as I saw myself as a victim for so many years.  Amazing how a sudden realization can lead to a massive shift in thinking - even if we don't always feel like that ie. heroic etc.  I always try and remind myself of the song "I will survive" - as sort of like a motto.  Nevertheless, at this early stage, there are still many elements of the "victim" mentality - as I know that it will take time for these tiny shifts in perception to lead to a greater overall shift in perception, if that makes sense.  And am gradually feeling more in control of my life - as you say - most definitely, which is a positive thing!

Thank you again for taking the time to post Sea Holly, greatly appreciated!  Exercise, clean living, nature, artistic hobby etc. - all of these things are incredibly useful - couldn't agree more - including mindfulness.    

Cheers,

Anon72

 

[anon72]

Hi again,

I guess what really scares me the most (and remember - I only realized this all about one month ago) is the following (not to complain - but just need to get it out of my system).  Yes, apologizing, one of my favourite pasttimes - although something I do less and less.

I have been under a dark cloud for the last 2 months probably - am doing a lot better now than I was.  I think I was on the verge of this whole revelation etc for two months (which is why I had so much anger under the surface - as something was trying to surface - which it did in early January).  However, along the way, it seems that people at work have tended to steer clear of me - as I wasn't the happiest chappy in the world (whereas I used to be much more positive with the issues always beneath the surface).  Some of the friends that I used to hang around - "seems" like they see me as "feeling sorry" for myself - the way I am treated, so almost pity me.  And one of my friends told me that I was too sensitive etc. etc. - which I know already - because of the scanning thing - and am working on it.  And am not really included that much anymore at the moment.  Which I understand - and get that I am really sensitive at the moment. Although getting better - and feeling more empowered all the time.

However, as I live overseas - I feel like this (and my actions + my distorted thinking) have led to me isolating myself.  I don't want to do this - but it just feels very difficult to turn things around at work now - when people have a certain view of me.  Now I know that I am being overly sensitive and all that - and shouldn't worry about what people think of me.  And am improving my thought patterns.  But just wondering, has anyone else been in this type of situation?  And what are their suggestions to get out of this?   I know that I need to empower myself and get out of my comfort zone and forget about what others think, am getting there slowly but surely. 

It is just tough - and although I know I am a survivor - I can't talk to my mother (or father) about any of this of course (as she is the uBPD - and he wouldn't have a bar of it obviously).  My other two sisters are the "all good" sisters - which is sad - but will never try and talk to them about it.  And my other sister is currently a mother - and in the middle of her thesis - so she was basically talking to me most days via messenger (from overseas) - even if only briefly for the last month - which is asking a lot.  However, now she has made it clear that she can't really talk unless it is an emergency for the next 6 weeks, so I feel a little lost (even though I don't want to be a victim).  And I have been quite clingy with her when talking about it - although she was happy to be supportive - there is no question that i have "attachment" issues - and it really scares me when I don't have someone close to talk to about this. 

Has anyone else experienced this?  Has anyone else felt all alone when dealing with all of this stuff?  Any suggestions?  I can't really go to a support group here - as the first language of where I am living is not English.  And any resources related to attachment issues and how not to be so clingy.  It seems that whenever I get into a longer term "crisis" I become quite scared and clingy - which I don't like.  And am working on being okay with being alone and happy.

I am currently speaking with a therapist via Skype twice per week, exercising, doing mindfulness, eating healthily, doing CBT, getting out into nature, watching movies, doing artistic hobbies, but little socializing.

Thanks.

Cheers,

Anon72

[anon72]

Thank you Busybee for taking the time to respond in such depth, I really appreciate it!    I don't know how to do quotes of quotes - all seems a bit too tricky from a technical perspective, so am just going to refer to what you wrote below (will copy and paste what you wrote first):

Not silly to think of your mom as your anchor. We are hardwired from birth for this, and my mother made me even more dependent on her than most (that whole emotional incest thing). Knowing she can't be relied on took years to figure out. It's quite disorienting to realize that you are different from others who have (relatively) normal mothers and they can't relate, and you lack the very person to help you feel less alone. The being alone part took me awhile. Post here lots. It helps. Find "your people." For me, it was a yoga studio. Not only was yoga great for me to get through some of this nonsense, but after awhile I became a "regular" and got to know like-minded people. I tried volunteering for a bit at community events but that was so impersonal, tried going back to church but that didn't fit either. I went to a few meet-up meditation groups but they were not my style. I didn't have time for more in depth stuff and realized pretty quickly I was not in any shape to volunteer to work with kids or other people in need when I had so much to work on personally. Just try out different things and keep your expectations low. Go in with the idea that this is a trial, you aren't forcing anything and it may not work out. It's okay to leave. At first, I wasn't sure who I was or what I liked because I'd spent so much time defining my needs by hers. It was quite a trip. I'm almost the same age as you--I figured this out around 37-38. It took about a year to "land."

Thanks for the reassurance Busybee, makes sense.  The whole disorienting thing - most definitely - and unless someone has been through that - it is very difficult for them to understand.  Being alone you found quite difficult - makes sense.  :)id you feel all alone/isolated for awhile?  Am guessing that just keeping your expectations low - and just see what works.  WOW, the whole not being sure who I am or what my needs are - yes, yes and yes!  I guess that subconsciously I was always trying to please that mother I never had - hoping that if I reached a certain level - she would somehow love me.  Or alternatively, if it wasn't her - then I would do this with a girlfriend who was emotionally distant - always trying to make them happy.  Yay, well-done :D  Such a weird feeling to find that out late in life - isn't it.  When you say that it took you about a "year" to land - do you mean that you finally started to feel "grounded" again after a year?  And know what you want/needed/who you were in some sense?  So many questions, but am just trying to understand.  

You're being very hard on yourself. You've done some great work this year! And dulling the pain with exercise is probably the lesser of evils. I think for me, the most important thing was figuring out I was actually doing it--numbing out with food or tv or alcohol or whatever. Just that little pause to say... .hey, what am I avoiding? Then feeling that if applicable or writing a bit. Am I really just TIRED? Maybe I should go to bed. If you haven't seen this, it's also worth a gander

www.dbsasandiego.org/resource-cd/other/GRAPES%20Sign.pdf

www.abigailburdlcsw.com/some-grapes-a-day-keep-the-psychiatrist-away/

When I find myself numbing out now, I scan the list and see if there's anything I need. Often it's social time or pleasure. Being social can be as simple as texting or emailing someone or coming here. I think you need to work on the "being gentle" part  smiley

Yes, I know that I am being hard on myself. I am finding it very difficult to change this aspect, slowly but surely.  Relates to the whole perfectionist tendency that I inherited from my uBPD Mother - where I always felt that she may actually really care for me if I were to complete this task or similar.  If you get my drift, of course - at a unconscious level, not consciously (just something I learnt in my childhood - as nothing was ever good enough).  The GRAPES thing looks really good - will definitely keep that in mind - thank you  Thank you for reminding me to be gentle on myself, I will definitely continue to work on it.

I keep asking my therapist... .when will I stop thinking/feeling/doing this? Why do I keep going back over this? Why can't I let go? I've been in therapy now off and on for 5 years. It does get better, but I'm here to tell you it never goes away. I guess the possibility exists that it might, but I'm hoping it becomes more of a hangnail and less of a gaping flesh wound. I'm somewhere in between now. It's taken me awhile to be ok with that. We all have stuff and this is my thing.

Makes sense, at least we recognize it and are working on healing - that is the most important thing.  Thank you for reminding me with your metaphor, I get it

Yes to broken record and grooves. You will get new grooves, though. Before, you could not hear that the record was skipping or repeating. Now you can. It's annoying, isn't it? CBT helps you lift the needle into a new groove. Over time, it will start happening without as much effort. One day, the needle may stick in the new groove.

You are right, it is very empowering to hear when the record is skipping/repeating now - particularly when we didn't hear it for so long!  I like the analogy re putting it into a new groove - thank you - will keep working on it

I wish hard work were enough. I think time is the second ingredient... .and just having repeat experiences where things are different because you are different. Those repeat experiences reinforce the new grooves. Just know you are on the right track. It is overwhelming! I joke "that's how you know it's working." I think recognizing that you are in the dance/old pattern/ruminating and PAUSING to say "THIS AGAIN?" is the start. Then the magic can happen. I rest in that... .whenever I see a THIS AGAIN? moment, I laugh now and take a few breaths. Just remember it took you 43 years to get here, your brain is not going to understand the changes you've made in 7 weeks, 11 months etc for a few years. It's like pickling. You're still a cucumber! Let it marinate for a bit  Empathy

I like being a marinating cucumber   Yes, you are right, time will make the difference.  And also being able to pause and say "This again".  And repeat experiences reinforcing the new grooves, makes sense.  Thanks for reminding me that I am on the right track and that it is overwhelming, nothing worthwhile was ever easy.  I will keep at it.

Thanks again BusyBee/Dr Marinating Cucumber :D for your kind and helpful words, they are really appreciated - you have helped a lot!  

[Kwamina]

Hi again anon72

I would say that I am in the later stages of mourning, but also partly on the road of healing.  I don't know if that is possible - after this short amount of time.  But I think that I was angry enough at my family (without knowing why) for the last year or two - so feel like I had enough anger already - and it wasn't until recently that my epiphany came.  So would say I am around 15-17 re Healing.  

Well actually, I read it again (didn't realize that they were links) and am still very early in the process - still a breakthrough crisis at the moment - remembering lots of stuff - trying to make sense of it all.  And am now being a perfectionist - trying to ensure that I know exactly what level I am at - - hilarious anon72 - who cares - just keep on keeping on :D  Yes, I am talking to myself, find it helps sometimes!

The healing process as proposed in the Survivors' Guide isn't necessarily a lineair process. I think it's quite common to be working on several steps at the same time and also to later re-visit steps you had previously 'finished'. The work of healing might never be really finished and often will require a certain amount of maintenance. Many of us have been damaged in our childhood by our BPD parents. Fortunately now that we are adults we can work on healing ourselves. We also have several threads here that can help you in your healing process. I've selected two for you:

Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

It seems that whenever I get into a longer term "crisis" I become quite scared and clingy - which I don't like.  And am working on being okay with being alone and happy.

Why do you think you become 'scared and clingy' when these things happen? Could it perhaps be that these crises trigger emotions and thoughts in you related to past events? Here is some information about so-called emotional flashbacks as described by Pete Walker, M.A.:

"Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings' to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair.

... .

Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness."

Reading this, do you believe you've ever experienced emotional flashbacks? You can read more about this subject here:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

I am currently speaking with a therapist via Skype twice per week, exercising, doing mindfulness, eating healthily, doing CBT, getting out into nature, watching movies, doing artistic hobbies, but little socializing.

Sometimes you don't get immediate results, but you are definitely doing a lot of positive things Another thing I'd like to point out is that as a result of distorted thinking, such as a mental filter or emotional reasoning, we sometimes might not be able to clearly see the improvements that we have made and all the positive things that we are doing. You would like to socialize more and that is something you can work on, yet I also see that you are doing a lot of other positive things to help yourself. Also you signing up here and addressing your issues is a positive step forward

[busybee1116]

  Hi anon72!

Did you feel all alone/isolated for awhile?  When you say that it took you about a "year" to land - do you mean that you finally started to feel "grounded" again after a year?  And know what you want/needed/who you were in some sense?  So many questions, but am just trying to understand.  

I still feel alone sometimes, but not as much as I used to, and that first year was hard, partly because we had just moved and I was out of my usual routine and community. I didn't have a lot of friends here yet. Plus, I wasn't sure how to make friends safely, either, if that makes sense, I was too willing to be in one-sided or off-balance relationships with needy people who weren't able to reciprocate. I didn't know yet who I was/what I needed, either. Outside of this board, I have found a 3 friends who also have similar parents and can relate, which has helped. My husband, who is generally amazing and supportive (how I married him with my upbringing I do not know), did not get it at first. I think he thought I was overreacting when I figured out my mother had uBPD. He has an understanding of BPD but like most people, thought it meant a moody teenage girl who cuts herself and threatens suicide--took some time and reading for him to see the many faces of BPD. He did agree my dad is probably uNPD. I figured out my mom is uBPD about 7-8 years into our marriage so he saw the relationship pre-boundaries when I was trying so hard to be the good devoted daughter. He saw us as close, thought I enjoyed/wanted to spent more time with my parents. In reality, that was enmeshment and me trying to please them constantly. Plus, they're on their best behavior generally around him and do not call/email him directly so he was relatively low contact. It took seeing a few emails to me and me being more open (to protect them, I didn't tell him about some of their antics) and a few experiences himself to realize what I do. I also think I spent A LOT of time thinking and ruminating about them and that made me feel even more isolated. I wasn't living my own life, I was trying to fix theirs. So with time, finding my people, some boundaries, figuring out what I like/who I am and actually doing the things I enjoy... .gradually I felt less alone. It makes sense now--when you are in a disordered relationship with a pwPD, you have very little life outside of the relationship because it is all consuming. When I say it took a year to land--I mean getting out of my head and into my body. It was really a shock there for awhile and I kind of floated out there. It took me awhile to accept that this is my reality, not the fantasy I have in my head, the wish that they would be different people, that I don't have the parents or idealized childhood I thought I had. Putting boundaries down meant changing 40 years of different behavior and accepting the consequences and a different relationship. I looked at my childhood through a different lens and it was quite a trip to realize things were not always as I believed they were. Like the "cooking sherry" mixed in with the baking supplies was for my mother's binge drinking. It was not the kind of sherry you'd cook with, either, and we never used it in cooking! My mother is very good at distorting reality and making me question my own thoughts and beliefs, it took awhile to learn that I can believe my own eyes, trust my own thoughts, have my own opinions.

Thank you for reminding me to be gentle on myself, I will definitely continue to work on it.

Being gentle means hearing negative self talk. Talk to yourself like you would a friend instead. So, for example, when I dribble coffee on the floor, I often mutter "you've done it again, stupid, you idiot... ." If you were a friend visiting my house and you dribbled coffee, I would say, "Oh, it's just coffee. Don't worry about it. Here's a towel to clean it up." Why don't I talk to myself like that instead? It's part of that broken record. You can't hear it at first. So when I started to notice the awful things I say to myself, I'd catch myself and talk back. "It's just coffee. The world is not going to end. You are not stupid. Don't talk to my friend that way!" Or reframe. I realized the person who was making me worried about minor spills and mistakes was my father. He's a perfectionist (and so am I) and the voice in my head that worries about making mistakes was put there by him. I reframed by saying... .who cares that there's coffee on the floor? Dad isn't even here to see it. Just wipe it up. It took me awhile to even realize I was saying things or beating myself up over things that were not that awful. I'm not perfect. I am human. I will spill coffee and make other mistakes. It is ok. Now, when I catch myself being particularly hard on myself, I sit down and wonder what is really bothering me. Am I tired? Lonely? Hungry? Worried about something else? It's almost a tell now. There are many other examples of negative self talk I could give you, but I think you get the gist from the coffee example. 

[anon72]

Hi Kwamina, thanks for your suggestions, greatly appreciated (I read the links - and they really helped).

Re not being linear, makes totally sense

Why do you think you become 'scared and clingy' when these things happen? Could it perhaps be that these crises trigger emotions and thoughts in you related to past events?

That is an excellent question, made me really think.   Guess it has to do with the lack of unconditional love growing up from my uBPD Mother.  So I get scared that I will be on my own again - so become like the scared little boy I guess (where mummy won't be there for him), as we were always supposed to suppress our feelings.  Or being happy and positive regardless.  Am guessing that it also probably had to do with the fact my mother was always "push-pull", so could never rely on her being there for me (unless it was on her terms).  In other words, even if she was giving me advice, I would have to listen to everything she said even if it was harsh and horrible and really wasn't going to help (and was manipulative). I remember mentioning something about having a problem with someone at work once recently, and the first thing she said was "Problem with another woman" and had previously said that I have a problem with women :D  I wonder why Mommy dearest?:D   

Here is some information about so-called emotional flashbacks as described by Pete Walker, M.A.:

"Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings' to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair.

... .

Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness."

Reading this, do you believe you've ever experienced emotional flashbacks? You can read more about this subject here:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks



Thanks for sharing regarding that, I do have emotional flashbacks, but not usually with respect to my uBPD mother, usually about other things.  I think that I have repressed most of my feelings from my childhood, as they hurt too much to remember.

And thanks for reminding me that I am doing a lot of positive things, you are right, I just need to keep reminding myself - when the harsh inner critic cuts in.  And things will take time, I just need to be patient and gentle

[anon72]

Thank you Busybee for your further indepth response, your tips really help a lot!    I really feel like I have learnt a lot even in the last few days from you and other wonderful and supportive people on this board