No Communication With Others While in a Relationship?

[SummerStorm]

I'm not sure if this is the place to post this, since it's about my BPD friend, but I'm technically still deciding whether it's worth it, and there isn't a forum for friends, so here goes nothing.

Is it common for a pwBPD to just stop communicating with others when in a new relationship?  Back in November, when I was painted black, a mutual friend sent my BPD friend a message on Facebook but never heard anything from her.  Two weekends ago, my BPD friend was texting me constantly and sending me Snapchat pics.  A few days later, she met this new guy and then stopped sending me pics.  We exchanged a few texts after that, but I haven't heard anything from her since last Wednesday.  I've sent her two very neutral texts since then but haven't gotten a reply. 

I hadn't communicated with her at all for a few days, but then she sent me an article link last Tuesday morning.  I texted her later in the morning, and we exchanged a few texts.  I then sent her a pic later, and she replied that I'm "so cute." I thanked her for the compliment, she sent me a smiley face, and that was the last time I heard from her. 

I've never really been in this situation before.  When she started a longer relationship last year, it was right after we became friends, and she was idealizing me at the same time.  I saw her just as often as her boyfriend did.  So, I don't know if this is something she does all of the time or not.   

[thisagain]

Hey SS,

I think it's not out of the question for a pwBPD to get so caught up in the idealization phase with a new relationship, that they shut out the rest of the world. Most of us have done that to some extent at the beginning of a relationship. pwBPD might just take it to the extreme.

Given her track record and the history between you two, it seems likely that she will continue to use you to triangulate and play against her current love interests. That probably means periods of shutting you out while she's infatuated with a new guy, periods of splitting him black and you white, and cycling between the two.

Is that something you think you can accept? What do you want your friendship to look like? Do you still have sexual/romantic feelings for her?

[SummerStorm]

Hey SS,

I think it's not out of the question for a pwBPD to get so caught up in the idealization phase with a new relationship, that they shut out the rest of the world. Most of us have done that to some extent at the beginning of a relationship. pwBPD might just take it to the extreme.

Given her track record and the history between you two, it seems likely that she will continue to use you to triangulate and play against her current love interests. That probably means periods of shutting you out while she's infatuated with a new guy, periods of splitting him black and you white, and cycling between the two.

Is that something you think you can accept? What do you want your friendship to look like? Do you still have sexual/romantic feelings for her?

Hi thisagain,

I've never been in a relationship, so I don't know how I'd react in this situation, but I'm almost 100% sure I wouldn't just shut everyone out.  I can't remember any of my friends ever doing that, not even a little.  Most of my friends are married, some of them newly married, and they don't neglect their friends. 

I don't know if I can accept it.  She's at work right now and just posted a video of a co-worker on Snapchat.  So, she has time to do that but doesn't have time to send me a quick text.  That's just rude. 

I want to be able to see her every once in a while, that's it.  See a movie or meet up for dinner.  Maybe watch Doctor Who or Game of Thrones together. 

I don't have romantic feelings for her anymore.  I've found out how many drugs she does, and that is a total turn off.  That's why, when she's tried to subtly flirt with me recently, I have given her a very neutral response. 

[Sunfl0wer]

I have had a couple of friends with BPD years ago.  It went pretty much as thisagain describes.  It seems that my friend would attach her identity to me and want constant connection and reassurance from me.  Then if dating, she would sort of switch back and forth her attention from him, to me, from him, to me.  It was hard for her to be friendly with us both sometimes maybe because she could only identify with one of us for identity.  If she felt pushed away by him, she'd turn toward me again, otherwise she would obsess about him.  Even if we were hanging out her conversation would usually obsess around every little detail of him as she'd relive over and over simple things that occurred to give meaning to them. 

[Notwendy]

BPD affects the most intimate relationships. It would stand to reason that the relationships that include attraction and physical intimacy would be the most disordered. I think it is far easier for a pwBPD to have a less intimate friendship. A new relationship is essentially a blank slate for the pwBPD to present themselves however they wish to, and this is enticing to them. However, the pattern of things is for dysfunction to appear as they get more familiar.

Although you see her as a friend, if the two of you were intimate at some time, then to her this relationship may be more in that category and so you would be in the inner drama circle with her. She may be all wrapped up in this new relationship and not in contact with any other intimate relationships in her life. In essence, your relationship with her may be more affected than one with just a friend.

In my dating years, I did have female friends, who, if in a relationship, would be so focused on it that they would neglect their other friends. I think it is emotionally healthier to spend time with friends too but not all people feel that way.

[SummerStorm]

I have had a couple of friends with BPD years ago.  It went pretty much as thisagain describes.  It seems that my friend would attach her identity to me and want constant connection and reassurance from me.  Then if dating, she would sort of switch back and forth her attention from him, to me, from him, to me.  It was hard for her to be friendly with us both sometimes maybe because she could only identify with one of us for identity.  If she felt pushed away by him, she'd turn toward me again, otherwise she would obsess about him.  Even if we were hanging out her conversation would usually obsess around every little detail of him as she'd relive over and over simple things that occurred to give meaning to them. 

She recently met with her dad for lunch, and all she talked about was this guy.  She knows that I don't really want to hear about him, but if that's all she's focused on in life, I guess she really has nothing else to talk about with me. 

[SummerStorm]

BPD affects the most intimate relationships. It would stand to reason that the relationships that include attraction and physical intimacy would be the most disordered. I think it is far easier for a pwBPD to have a less intimate friendship. A new relationship is essentially a blank slate for the pwBPD to present themselves however they wish to, and this is enticing to them. However, the pattern of things is for dysfunction to appear as they get more familiar.

Although you see her as a friend, if the two of you were intimate at some time, then to her this relationship may be more in that category and so you would be in the inner drama circle with her. She may be all wrapped up in this new relationship and not in contact with any other intimate relationships in her life. In essence, your relationship with her may be more affected than one with just a friend.

In my dating years, I did have female friends, who, if in a relationship, would be so focused on it that they would neglect their other friends. I think it is emotionally healthier to spend time with friends too but not all people feel that way.

Her friends from work seem to be more work friends and drinking buddies/drug buddies than anything, so that would make sense. 

I do suppose that it could be the fact that we were intimate.  And even though it was only three times and ended almost a year ago, I guess she has trouble seeing me as just a friend. 

[thisagain]

Given your number of posts and how affected you've been by her, I would submit that you have trouble seeing her as just a friend too... .what do you think?

Are there other people who you can meet for dinner and watch Game of Thrones with, but who don't give you so much grief? Have you ever put this much effort into any other friendship?

[SummerStorm]

Given your number of posts and how affected you've been by her, I would submit that you have trouble seeing her as just a friend too... .what do you think?

Are there other people who you can meet for dinner and watch Game of Thrones with, but who don't give you so much grief? Have you ever put this much effort into any other friendship?

I would say that 3/4 of my posts came between last June and last November.  Over the summer, I was on here every single day, sometimes all day long. 

No, there aren't really other people I can meet with. 

You know what it really is?  I would at least like to see her one more time.  The last time I saw her was when she was in the psych ward.  That's the last memory I have of my friend.  If she tries to commit suicide again, which could really happen at any time, and is successful, I don't want my last memory of her to be sitting next to her in the psych ward. 

[Notwendy]

No, there aren't really other people I can meet with.  

This is what stood out to me. If your friend is in a new relationship, at the moment, her need for company is being met. Your need for friendship is not. So you could be feeling an absence that she isn't.

One of the big lessons we have as nons is self care. It is normal to want friendships- even if we are introverted. It is lonely without them. Even people in relationships have other friends.

Independently of your friend, you can make other friends. You are worth knowing, and surely there are people out there who would like to hang out with you. It takes some work though. Think of some activity you enjoy- sports, art, taking classes, and join a group or class.  Meeting people won't negate that you don't care for your friend, but we can have several friends.

Although it is understandable to want a good memory of your friend, we don't get to choose that. Your friend will make her own choices. We can form our memories out of the whole relationship, not the last one. You may or may not see her again, but your memories can be of the friendship as a whole.

[apollotech]

Summer,

I know that my ex, while she was idealizing me, did stop communicating with her friends. I got ribbed about it on Facebook a bit.

Wanting to see her: is there anyway that you can just surprise her, show up at her house and take her to lunch or something? (I don't know how close y'all live to one another.) I went through a bad time several years ago, and my friends basically wouldn't allow me to be a recluse. This would be something that I think would be more in your control than hers (waiting for her to respond and accept and follow through on an invite to meet). Of course, you could always surprise her and she could say no to whatever you propose. (Hmmm, I looked at what I just wrote and then I thought about your friends BPD issues, so I'm not sure that my suggestion is a good one. You decide.)

[JohnLove]

I would certainly "volunteer" to come over and watch Game of Thrones with you. An intelligent conversation would be awesome too... .but I'm guessing you're not in Australia. 

[hergestridge]

I was my BPDwive's only friend for many years. When we met she fell out with all her old friends, mainly because of her being manipulative and confrontational towards them. She was not being mean but she was so afraid to lose her own friends. She couldn't take that risk, so she began to lie and manipulate to make sure they would still like her. But that's BPD to you.

As the relationship evolved she was always lonely and had a hard time making friends. She wanted to me to have friends, but her jealousy and separation anxiety made it impossible for me to keep friends. The fact that I was ashamed of this didn't make it easier for me, so I withdrew and for many years we were rather isolated as a couple.

I have a mild case of social phobia and being with a BPD person made this much worse. I couldn't speak openly about it because my wife didn't take it very well when I admitted weakness.

[SummerStorm]

Summer,

I know that my ex, while she was idealizing me, did stop communicating with her friends. I got ribbed about it on Facebook a bit.

Wanting to see her: is there anyway that you can just surprise her, show up at her house and take her to lunch or something? (I don't know how close y'all live to one another.) I went through a bad time several years ago, and my friends basically wouldn't allow me to be a recluse. This would be something that I think would be more in your control than hers (waiting for her to respond and accept and follow through on an invite to meet). Of course, you could always surprise her and she could say no to whatever you propose. (Hmmm, I looked at what I just wrote and then I thought about your friends BPD issues, so I'm not sure that my suggestion is a good one. You decide.)

I have no idea where she lives.  I know the town, but that's it.  She lives almost an hour away.  I work 7-3.  She works something like 2-12.  When she has off, she is with her boyfriend. 

[SummerStorm]

I suppose the most annoying thing is that she looks at everything I post on Snapchat, including videos.  So, she's sitting there, often by herself, looking at my pictures and videos, but she can't take a second to text me? 

This is definitely uncharted water for me.  She and I were friends and I was being idealized when she was with her one boyfriend last year.  When she got together with the next one, I was cut out of her life and was blocked, so it made no sense for me to try to contact her.  I think she very briefly dated another guy, but it didn't get serious enough for her to idealize him.  This new guy is the first actual boyfriend she's had, since the one last year, during a time when she and I have been friends. 

From what her mom says, this is pretty standard procedure for her and the reason why she doesn't really have any close friends.  She only pays attention to her friends when she isn't in a relationship, but that's only a few weeks out of the year. 

[SummerStorm]

Just as I submitted that last post, I got a text from her.  I got the paperwork today for my grad school graduation, and I texted her to tell her.  She replied, "Yay! So proud "

I'm not going to text her anymore tonight.  It was a nice way to end the day. 

[Suzn]

I can't remember any of my friends ever doing that, not even a little.  Most of my friends are married, some of them newly married, and they don't neglect their friends.   

No, there aren't really other people I can meet with.   

What about you, you're their friend. A healthy friendship is reciprocal. Do you not meet up with these friends occasionally?

[Hadlee]

I suppose the most annoying thing is that she looks at everything I post on Snapchat, including videos.  So, she's sitting there, often by herself, looking at my pictures and videos, but she can't take a second to text me? 

Summer - this jumped out at me.  How do you know she is by herself when looking at your Snapchat posts?

I'm sorry you have been hurt, confused and frustrated by this friendship.  I noticed from your posts that you give a lot of time to analyzing every word she says to you; her behavior; and analyzing the other relationships she has.  Please be careful here as it could turn into an obsession, if it hasn't already.

I understand how difficult these relationships are, however focusing so much on another person, especially a mentally ill person, is not healthy.  Remember to think of you!  You deserve happiness just like the rest of us.  Take the time to be kind to yourself and ensure your own garden is watered 

Wishing you all the best