Off the wagon

[Rural60Girl]

Today was a falling off the wagon day.  It was last May when I finally went NC with my mother, who is, I believe, an undiagnosed BPD.  This NC status was one of the most difficult things I had ever done, and really it was only done in response to her cutting me off.  On the flip side, in addition to the pain of it, I also recognized what a gift it would be if I could just get through the initial fledgling period of being separated from her once and for all.  Since then, even though there was a fair amount of indirect communication by way of her discussions about me with other family members, there was only one attempt to contact me directly, when she called me last September, some four months after going NC.  I did not pick up, so she left a voicemail message in an attempt to reel me back in, congratulating me on the arrival of my new grandchild.  I did not return her call. 

We'd gotten through the holidays and I found myself feeling more self-assured all the time.  I still missed her every day and it was, and continues to be, a real grieving period.  Our parting has been so'oo hard because we'd been very close throughout our lifetime.  But as my mother aged (she is in her late 70's), and as I have become stronger as I myself have aged (not to mention the fact that during the time of me going NC, my husband suffered a debilitating illness and amputation, and I was serving as his full-time caregiver ... .so needless to say, I had a lot on my plate as it was), my bandwidth for her BS became so narrow that I just couldn't TAKE IT anymore.  After her latest antics, I had to say "no more," if for no other reason than my own self-preservation.  So other than the lone phone call in September, she had pretty much left me alone. 

And then came my birthday today, and a phone call from her.  I made the mistake of picking up.  What could it hurt, right?  Maybe she was calling to apologize, after all.  Surely she still cares... .  And on it went with the internal dialogue.  There were some tears on her end at the beginning of the call.  Then we casually chatted for 15 minutes or so about this and that before I raised the issue of what transpired between us to bring the NC to a head.  The call lasted just shy of an hour.  Among other things, I asked once again whether she would agree to see a therapist who could serve as an unbiased mediator, and she shut me down.  After all, I am the one who is so troubled and mixed up (her favorite throw-back whenever counseling is suggested).  And after we hung up, I felt so upset, knowing that this one phone call put me so far back on the timeline.  I feel as though I have lost a tremendous amount of ground and I find myself very nearly back at square one.  For most of the day today, I was filled with self-doubt and loathing, guilt, shame... .  Among other things, she said my NC letter was one of the most hateful, vile, spiteful letters a person could send to someone else, and said no one should ever address their mother in such a fashion.  Couple of things come immediately to mind, one of which is how hard I labored over the letter I wrote to ensure it was kind.  It was firm and direct and truthful, but it was not unkind.  I affirmed her repeatedly and told her that she had intrinsic value.  I encouraged her to change her thoughts and become more disciplined and intentional about her thought life to avoid the run-away train of negativity.  But in the end, there was a veiled threat about tendering the letter to the authorities in order to bring a charge of elder abuse.  Unbelievable! 

You name it, it's all there in terms of my reaction, which runs the gamut of all things negative and hurtful.  She lied.  She shamed.  She revised history.  She denied.  It was pure torture how utterly manipulated and bad about myself I felt after the call. So here's an object lesson on the importance of remaining NC once that decision has been made. 

I was glad for one thing, however.  At the end of our call, realizing once again I would never get from her what I have always held out hope that I would somehow get -- her recognition that at least some of my complaints are legitimate and that I have been deeply wounded by my association with her and the three-ring circus masquerading as her life -- I once again apologized to her for the ways she had been hurt by my actions.  I told her I loved her, and I wanted her to be happy.  Some might say I caved in doing that.  But I recognized that my responses, even though provoked, were not always kind and selfless.  And so for that, I did want her to know that I was sorry.  The second thing I can be glad about is that in the final letter to her last year, I told her that I was working on forgiving her for the ways I had been hurt, both through her actions and inactions.  And both of those things -- my willingness to work on forgiveness towards her, and my apology and asking for her forgiveness -- are important.  And I'm glad that I said them, if for no other reason than to assist with the housekeeping of finally letting go. 

Tomorrow's another day.  The birthday is over for another year.  And by the time that rolls back around again, I'm sure I'll be better equipped to remain resolute in my NC status with my dear mother.  God bless her.  She's in so much pain.   

[Kwamina]

Hi Rural60Girl

Been a long time since you were last here, welcome back and happy birthday

BPD is a difficult disorder and people with BPD indeed struggle quite a lot with their intense emotions and distorted thinking. It's clear that your mother has really hurt and affected you. I think it's important that you are able to see the fact that her problematic behaviors stem from her disordered mind. The fact that you are able to empathize with her will also help you validate your own experiences and help you in your healing process.

Going NC with a parent is always a highly personal decision. When dealing with a BPD parent, boundaries are essential for our protection. Sometimes to protect ourselves it might be necessary to distance ourselves from our BPD family-member, even to the point of NC. That doesn't necessarily have to mean that this NC has to last forever. No matter how you move forward with your mother, I think the most important thing is that you take steps to protect yourself from her abusive or disruptive behavior and are very mindful of your own well-being and needs.

You were also dealing with your husband's health situation which is quite difficult by itself. I can understand that as you were caring for your husband, you really felt no wish to also have to be dealing with your mother's difficult behavior then.

I read in your previous posts that you also have brothers, do they still have contact with your mother?

It's unfortunate that you weren't really able to enjoy your birthday. It is really sad that things are the way they are, BPD really presents us with quite a harsh reality.

Now that you are NC I encourage you to use this period to work on healing yourself. In the right-hand side of this message board we have the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are now?

Take care

[Rural60Girl]

Thank you for your kind response, Kwamina!  It was more helpful than you could know. 

I am just now beginning to look at the Healing menu to the right, and in the near term, plan to spend some time evaluating where I'm at presently and read through some of the links.  If I had to pinpoint where I'm at, I would say I am past remembering, well into mourning, and working my way towards healing.  I am just amazed at how vast this website is!  So much information.  Truly wonderful!  A big thank you to everyone who invests of themselves to help others.  This truly is a community... .

Also, since my last post, I met with a new therapist.  The woman I saw for about a year in 2010 has since retired, and I am now seeing one of her colleagues, who I like very much. I think she'll do a nice job helping me to work my way through this new season.  I rather hate that I can't muddle through myself, but I am grateful for my health insurance and the opportunity to reach out and find a lifeline given that things have bubbled back up as they have in the past year. 

Finally, I really appreciated your comments about NC. You gave me something to chew on in terms of permanency with NC versus a season of NC.  Like rather hating that I can't seem to muddle through myself at the moment, I also hate the thought of never seeing or talking with my mother again.  So in that sense, having the option to step back into the relationship at some point, even if only peripherally, is somewhat of a comfort. I don't see that happening any time in the near future, but perhaps someday when I am well-equipped, who knows?  Anyway, thank you for that.

I so'oo appreciate your response and your input.  Look forward to chatting with you again!   :-)


 

[Rural60Girl]

P.S. to Kwamina... .

I have (or had) three brothers, all living in Denver with 8 hours between us.  My oldest brother Dan was the one with whom I had so many great talks.  He was understanding, supportive, and could clearly see the issues I had with Mom because he confessed to being on the receiving end of her behaviors as well.  He shared with me great insights into the dynamics of our family of origin in ways that I completely missed, given that he was the first-born of 4 kids and I was the baby of the family.  I'm sad to say that he passed away in 2011, and I miss him so much and I miss our talks greatly. 

My two living brothers are aware of the issues that arose between my mom and me because I sent them a long letter outlining the difficult history between us, explaining my concerns about our mother, not only the uBPD or, at a minimum, the BPD traits, but the additional layer of her cognitive decline as she ages, which is a real powder keg.  Historically, they have both been very shut down in terms of expressing emotion or entering into any type of in-depth communication about trauma or family stuff.  I think if they faced the reality of our mother's current status and accepted at least on some level the things I have reported, they would have to face some other very difficult things, chief among them that she failed to protect us from my biological father (her husband #2), who molested all of us for years throughout the 14-year marriage.  I and only one of my three brothers have admitted it, me when I was in my late-teens, and my middle brother only within the last five years.  Neither one has talked with me about the incest (my brother only disclosed it to my mom, who told me), and neither one has talked with me me about the NC status with my mom or the letter I wrote to them, although I would bet the farm that the two of them have discussed the situation between themselves. But neither of them have spoken word one about it to me.  One of my two living brothers has stayed in contact with me, but the other has not called or written since the falling out last May.  I wanted to let him approach me if he wanted, but he has not.  And that's okay.  It's more loss, but it's still okay, and I accept that he has a right to feel any way he wants about how this new status has changed the dynamics of our family.  I guess it's just one more of those unintended consequences of the NC status with my mom. 

Anyway, just wanted to answer that question.  Again, thank you!     

[Kwamina]

Hi again Rural60Girl

Thanks for your kind words about the site and community

It would indeed be nice if we could work through all our issues on our own. Sometimes however this is very difficult and then it is great to also have the option of getting help. I am glad you have the support of a therapist now. Reaching out for help isn't always easy especially when you would rather get through it on your own. You were able to overcome those feelings and still reached out for help which says a lot and makes this an even more significant step than it already is

I am very sorry your oldest brother has passed away though. Sounds like the two of you had a really good bond. It's sad that he's no longer alive, but I am glad you have such wonderful memories of him. Memories you can cherish as you remember your brother

Your relationship with your other brothers is somewhat different. Perhaps in time that will change and perhaps they at one point will be able to face the reality of the abuse that took place. It's awful that you all were molested by your (biological) father for years. You mention seeing a therapist before in 2010, did you also discuss what your father did to you back then? Do any of you still have contact with your biological dad?

[Rural60Girl]

Good morning! 

In answer to your questions about the abuse and my biological father, nope -- no contact for any of us, the boys since my parents' divorce in the mid-70's and me since I was in my 30's, although I have seen him from time to time at funerals and the like.  It's always cordial and as odd as it must seem to say it, it's good and familiar to see him when we meet.  But the flip side is that, sometimes, I also feel manipulated and conflicted.  My healing from the incest has come over the course of many years and, although it did come up in my 2010 therapy, it was only within the context of a past fact, and I can honestly say I have forgiven him completely -- no small feat!  It's been freeing to be sure, but forgiveness came only after a long period of work on my part and a NC status with him.  That's what makes the NC with my mom all the more tough, as it feels like losing my dad all over again and that I've lost both of my parents now ... .that I'm an orphan of sorts. Regardless, I'm looking ahead and feeling a little more optimistic each day that I'll get through this season of loss, hopefully with strength and understanding and acceptance on the other side.

Have a great day!