Figuring out how to let go of my uNPD old flame

[Lifewriter16]

Before I met my BPDxbf, I had been seeing a bloke for about 9 months. I would say it was my first experience of being 'in love' though I've had lots of relationships over the years. I 'felt' the attraction towards him 'arrive' when we were chatting over coffee quite innocently, one afternoon. Suddenly, I realised that how I thought about him had become sexual and I felt the urge to run from him. We talked and he said he didn't feel that way about me, but things developed anyway. One day, I had an overwhelming experience of emotion emanating from my sacral and heart chakras. It was so powerful it nearly floored me. Whilst I was trying to contain those emotions, he was so convinced that I'd told him that I loved him that he asked me three times if I had, yet I know I only thought those words. When with him, I often felt an overwhelming sense of contentment, yet I could barely talk to him, I was emotionally overwhelmed. I hated to have to leave him and felt a tangible sense of relief whenever I saw him. Another time, we were simply sitting in a pub, quite contentedly, and I had an other-worldly experience when I really 'saw' who he was and felt such a sense of connection with him that the feeling of being alone that I had carried my entire life left me. I still want to sink into his arms when I see him.

If only that were a two way thing. It was sometimes, and other times, it wasn't. That's the problem. He's always given me contradictory messages. I'm pretty sure that his attachment style is avoidant and it's possible he has NPD traits, though he's never been willing to admit to having a problem (unless it was with me). He began by telling me he didn't think of me in 'that' way, though he wanted to 'snuggle' and was quite happy to see where that went on occasion and sometimes the sex was mindblowing. Other times he'd show no sexual interest in me at all, barely registering me as a sexual being and trying to change how I dressed to suit him. The reality was that sex only took place once a month. He says the sex comes from a place other than physical attraction.

He talks about our special 'connection' but also says we can't just be friends as the basis for that sort of relationship isn't there. He says I'm not his type and has a particular idea of the woman he wants (goth preferably) and that she needs to be really good looking. He has outwardly talked about leaving me, telling me he was going to start looking for someone else at a particular point in time. He says he'll only be able to think well of himself if he has a gorgeous woman on his arm. And then he tells me that he loves me, but it took him a while to accept that in himself. He disappears for days on end with no contact and agreed that I was probably correct when I felt that he didn't want to hear from me in the times when we were apart.

So I have this overwhelming reaction to him but he seems nonchalant a lot of the time. Yet those times are interspersed with times when he looks at me in such a way that I am convinced that he loves me. The contradictions are hard for me to accept. I move towards him, then he says something that reminds me that he doesn't feel the same and I run away. Then I remember how I felt and make contact, he hurts me again and I run away again. It's become a cycle. I can't stay because I don't believe he really wants me and I'm sure that he'll break my heart, but I can't leave permanently because I remember those mindblowing emotional, sexual and spiritual experiences. I'm really stuck with this one. I feel in tremendous emotional conflict, alternately running towards and away from him.

Currently, the situation is that the relationship is in 'OFF' mode. I told him to leave when he turned up unannounced with Valentine's Day gifts and then texted for him to leave me alone to let me get over him. But, I can't get him out of my head... .I'm hoping that posting will help to ease this emotional blockage.

Any feedback folks?

Love Lifewriter

[Grey Kitty]

I'm not sure if you are looking for help deciding what to do or help figuring out how to move on.

Either way, one thing I would suggest is that you stop trying to fit him into ONE box.

He talks about our special 'connection' but also says we can't just be friends as the basis for that sort of relationship isn't there. He says I'm not his type and has a particular idea of the woman he wants (goth preferably) and that she needs to be really good looking. He has outwardly talked about leaving me, telling me he was going to start looking for someone else at a particular point in time. He says he'll only be able to think well of himself if he has a gorgeous woman on his arm. And then he tells me that he loves me, but it took him a while to accept that in himself. He disappears for days on end with no contact and agreed that I was probably correct when I felt that he didn't want to hear from me in the times when we were apart.

You want to believe that he is the man who is madly in love with you and passionate.

Or believe he is the man who puts you down, rejects you, goes cold, and disappears.

He is not one or the other. He is both. It is one package, and neither you or he can separate the two.

All you can do is look at what being with the whole package does to you, and decide if you want more of that or not.

  I wish I could say that there would be anything easy about that.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Grey Kitty.

I'm not sure if you are looking for help deciding what to do or help figuring out how to move on.

Either way, one thing I would suggest is that you stop trying to fit him into ONE box.

You want to believe that he is the man who is madly in love with you and passionate.

Or believe he is the man who puts you down, rejects you, goes cold, and disappears.

He is not one or the other. He is both. It is one package, and neither you or he can separate the two.

All you can do is look at what being with the whole package does to you, and decide if you want more of that or not.

  I wish I could say that there would be anything easy about that.

You have hit the essence of what I'm struggling with - accepting that he can be both of these things. I do want to fit him into one box because, at the moment, there is pain whatever I do. If I stay, I experience tremendous pain connected with rejection. If I leave, I choose the pain of isolation and loss. There is no way forward that isn't painful.


I read something else on this website the other day which made me think. I'm not sure whether I'm remembering the gist of what was said correctly, but I am missing who I was when I was with him. I miss feeling happy. I miss feeling content. I miss feeling connected. I miss being in love. I'm back to the bored, empty, miserable person I normally am. Just for a while, he saved me from myself and made me think I was really so much more than I realised. I miss me as much as him. I miss loving someone and feeling that life was worthwhile rather than simply something to be got through.

Lifewriter x

[Grey Kitty]

I am missing who I was when I was with him. I miss feeling happy. I miss feeling content. I miss feeling connected. I miss being in love. I'm back to the bored, empty, miserable person I normally am. Just for a while, he saved me from myself and made me think I was really so much more than I realised. I miss me as much as him. I miss loving someone and feeling that life was worthwhile rather than simply something to be got through.

Oh honey, I know how you feel. Especially the part about missing yourself as the person you were when you were with him.

I can't say what will work for you, but I can say what I've gone through, in the aftermath of a 25-year marriage, being separated, and also living a more isolated life than I either wanted or was quite healthy, although I did augment it quite well through some fantastic long distance friendships.

I went through a good period of feeling depressed and enervated. Well, that was after a few months of uncertainty trying to save a dying marriage.

Anyhow, I did find myself coming out of this depressed state. I found myself starting to enjoy things more. I found myself starting to get excited about possibilities in my future. I started being that kind of person I missed again.

But I got it by going through a lonely, depressed, hellish time. I leaned on my very good friends something fierce during those times. I needed to grieve the end of a relationship. I needed to figure out that there were things I wanted in a relationship that never were in the one I was grieving. That the class of friends I now had were better than my previous relationship partners. And these people cared for me, valued me, trusted me. Yes, I leaned on them then, but I've supported them at other times.

I still have dark times like that occasionally. Now they last a couple days or a week, not weeks or months.

And when I crawl out into the light, I am doing things I love. Living life in a way that makes me happy.

And I want to find people to share that with. People who have their own good happy energy and things to share with me.

If I go looking for somebody to save me from myself... .I wouldn't have anything in that "self" of value to offer them. And the only person who would accept this from me would be equally empty. Not worth my being with.

Make your life something you fall in love with. Somebody beautiful will fall in love with it too.

[Lifewriter16]

I have got a real sense of YOU today, Grey Kitty. Thank you so much for that.

I sat and meditated this morning and this is what I concluded:

My old flame is like a butterfly who settles upon my open hand quite happily. However, as soon as I try to close my hand, he dodges me and flits around me uneasily. He doesn't fly off, but seems to wait until he can settle upon my open hand again.

I think this is telling me that he is uncomfortable with being 'owned' whereas I have a great need to 'belong', to be part of a pair. He is like Denis in the film Out of Africa. When Karen Blixen seeks marriage rather than simply letting him come and go as he pleases, the relationship degenerates and his untimely death results. At the end of the film, Karen states that she loved him well but 'He was not mine'. My old flame is not mine either, though I could keep him if I accepted his terms. However, I do better with more. I am quite dependent and need more support than the average person. I want to feel I belong. I thrive on connection. Being with him does not bring the best out in me, indeed it tends to make me more insecure and creates instability that I don't necessarily experience in other relationships. He is not right for me.

Lifewriter x

[Suspicious1]

I relate to these feelings. When I was in a relationship with my exBPDbf, to start with it was as if I was his ideal woman, his "perfect angel" as he referred to me. Then, true to the BPD form, when I proved myself to be not-so-perfect, I was demonised and rejected, and the honeymoon periods afterwards got less and less pronounced as he became disenchanted.

I wanted to end the relationship after the first split-black episode, but I couldn't. In fact I had to wait until I felt cycle four was coming before I was in the right place emotionally, mentally and financially to be able to walk away. I walked because of the same dilemma you describe - I could either stay but have my heart broken every three months when he splits me black, living with a gnawing sense of betrayal during the times in between, enjoying the highs (maybe - it was wearing thin and becoming fairly meaningless) but having no sense of relationship security, OR I could rip off the plaster, endure a period of self-inflicted heartbreak but ultimately save myself. This path would at least be an agony with an end in sight.

So when I felt strong enough, I decided that the kindest, most protective thing I could do to myself was to run. And for the first week, I ran. Then for the second week I power-walked. Then for the next year I dawdled slowly, looking over my shoulder to see if he was going to catch up, occasionally stopping, occasionally taking steps back.

My mistake was in thinking I would recover from this relationship the way I've always recovered from relationships and within the same kind of time scales. Nearly two years down the line I'm still affected. It's a dull ache though, and I know that if I was still in that relationship I'd have had my heart shattered at least six or seven more times by now. What state would I be in? Ok, I'm still limping along towards the future, dragging myself by the fingernails at times, but if I'd stayed where would I have been left?

I get the cognitive dissonance - logically someone can't love us the way they say they do, yet treat us the way they treat us. And yet we know they DO love us the way they say they do... .yet they also do treat us the way they treat us. To ease the dissonance we try to make them one or the other. For me, comfort came when I realised you're not dealing with logical here, you're dealing with dysregulation. It's all real, and it's all presented in one illogical, contradictory package because you're dealing with a disordered individual. Yes he could love me for three months then cut me out of his life with hatred, then love me again. There's no making sense of it, there's no logic, and the only way to save myself from the circular thinking and general chaos was to tear myself away.

So, in conclusion, I don't think happy endings are possible here. You have to choose your pain. Sharp, repetitive, sporadic but with no end in sight? Or hellish and maybe the most difficult thing you can ever put yourself through, but with a chance of diminishing and disappearing in time?

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks for your thoughtful post, Suspicious1. I really feel that you get where I am with this, which is a comfort in itself.

I am inclined towards the option of tearing myself away somehow, whilst remembering that the person that I am when I love someone is still there, even if I have an uncertain healing journey to make before I can re-connect fully with that side of myself.

Love Lifewriter

[Grey Kitty]

Have you spent a significant part of your life between relationships, Lifewriter?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Grey Kitty

My last significant period between relationships was two years on my own before I met my husband and got married. That was between 16 and 18 years ago. I have mixed feelings about being without any kind of man-woman relationship (including platonic) due to core pain and FOO issues that I have been working through for quite a number of years now. I tend towards isolating myself and often use relationships just to cope with everyday life. Having said that, it may be exactly what I need, even though it fills me with dread.

I am doing a little more with my life (within the parameters of being a single parent with two school-aged children) and that is exciting. Perhaps I can build a life that I am happy to inhabit, even if I have to do it in small steps. However, I find that I can't easily anticipate how I will feel about being in a different situation. I think that's part of having AS, which involves deficits in the capacity for imagination.

Lifewriter x

[Grey Kitty]

I have mixed feelings about being without any kind of man-woman relationship (including platonic) due to core pain and FOO issues that I have been working through for quite a number of years now. I tend towards isolating myself and often use relationships just to cope with everyday life. Having said that, it may be exactly what I need, even though it fills me with dread.

I personally find myself tending toward friendships with women than men, especially as I am seeking and craving deep, intimate friendships. I do have some with men, but find it much harder to connect that way with other men than I do with women. They are 100% platonic. A few of them have that brief hint of desire for more in the background, at least for me, but I am very aware of life circumstances in each case that rule out anything more, so I'm not doing anything with that tiny flame, and am enjoying the friendship.

In any case, these are the friendships that got me through the ending of my marriage. They will be with me as I try dating, and support me as I find my way further into relationships someday. They will probably outlast my romantic relationships, or at least some of them will.

Some people seem to tend toward close friendships of one gender or the other. Dunno why. Doesn't really matter. If you are one of those women who has girlfriends who you met in kindergarten and have been tight with ever since, great. If you are one of those women whose friends are mostly guys, that is great too. If you have a even mix of male and female friends, all good too.

I think this is a time for you to take care of yourself, and a time for building and strengthening non-romantic relationships with the good solid people in your life.

I do not know the story of your FOO, but suspect that there are few if any members you can have healthy intimate relationships with.

I've read several members here who once they get their heads clear about the unhealthy way they've been treated in romantic relationships then examine other friendships and work relationships in their lives and discover that many of those are unhealthy and unbalanced too, and need corrections.

I'd encourage you to look at what you have, think of 1~3 friends you admire most how they are living their lives, and try to make more room for them in your life. Even if they weren't your closest friends before.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Grey Kitty,

I'd encourage you to look at what you have, think of 1~3 friends you admire most how they are living their lives, and try to make more room for them in your life. Even if they weren't your closest friends before.

That's a good idea. I seem to be making some new friends based upon shared interests too, which is very exciting.

Lifewriter x

[Grey Kitty]

Hi Grey Kitty,

I'd encourage you to look at what you have, think of 1~3 friends you admire most how they are living their lives, and try to make more room for them in your life. Even if they weren't your closest friends before.

That's a good idea. I seem to be making some new friends based upon shared interests too, which is very exciting.

Lifewriter x

I just shared this link with somebody in another topic in the last week or two. (If it was you, I apologize OOPS!)

www.waitbutwhy.com/2014/12/10-types-odd-friendships-youre-probably-part.html

I really liked the essay a lot, especially as somebody who is well past the school age of "making easy friendships" it discusses, and somebody whose friendships from those days have nearly all faded years ago. It did point out (why weren't they obvious?) flaws in some of my existing friendships, and the significance of building them.

[Lifewriter16]

It wasn't me you shared it with.

Thanks Grey Kitty. Lifewriter x