Is it me?

[PyneappleDays]

The truth vs hole detail

My husband is the a whole story truth kind of person.  Anything that deviates from that is a lie.  If youn leave anything out your lying and will be punished.  He will completely Stonewall you ignore you until you unequivocally admit to and beg for forgiveness. For instance we have been arguing since I came home from my vacation almost a month ago.  I'm not surecwhat to tell him or when for fear of getting yelled at.  I was preparing to move out turned off his cell and neglected to tell his contacts.  If his contact sent me a textvi would say this is no longer his cell.  He preceivs this as a lievme not telling his contacts that this is xxx and my cell and no longer him. He tells anyone who will listen what I'm doing wrong.  His family friends etc.  Ibalways look like the bad guy innhis story.  He has told me to get out twice now.  We started going to concilling. The councillor (religious ) has told him to think of us as a team no her not me or mine. He explained (pastor) that telling family about the other is damaging the team.  Now I try not to tell people my problems I think that's putting too much of a burdon on other people.  I told my daughter (BPD hates my current husband) because I really thought I was leaving.  He blew a gasket.  He said the next time we go to councilling and I lie he walking.

We have only been together for 8 years and he has never been in a long term relationship. When I met him he was in his 40s and single.

So I'm asking is it me? Or a the situation a Dr jekle personality?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Sounds more like he feels slighted and reverts to all or nothing/black and white thinking.

[an0ught]

Hi PyneappleDays,

you H is limited in what he can express, particularly when upset. In is natural to get angry when listening to what he is saying to you and others. It is also pointless to obsess about it as you have no control but not so easy to stop yourself  .

We have only been together for 8 years and he has never been in a long term relationship. When I met him he was in his 40s and single.

Only 8 years is a long time. Particularly for him. You are really important to him.

He said the next time we go to councilling and I lie he walking.

Fear of abandonment an as a short circuit reaction: Abandon the other before you are abandoned. Very common. On the other hand you have been his longest relationship. He may have a hard time to let go. Whether your H is a pwBPD or not he does have b&w thinking and is extremely stressed. For all practical short term purposes communication skills and strategies applicable to a pwBPD will b ehelpful.

We started going to concilling. The councillor (religious ) has told him to think of us as a team no her not me or mine.

Hmm, there is truth in that. But then there is also truth in that one needs boundaries. Particularly if a relationship with a pwBPD is supposed to work well. Try to introduce boundaries like the cell issue and suddenly you are dealing with abandonment and extinction bursts.

I'm not surecwhat to tell him or when for fear of getting yelled at.

What to tell him:

- content matters less than how. Delivery needs to be validating or framed in SET for contentious stuff. Don't avoid addressing the latter but use SET.

- avoid invalidation

- when yelled exist consistently and early the stage. The first times it is hard but frequency of need will decrease soon. Boundaries (see workhops) work.

Study the LESSONS and participate on the board. Figuring out where conversations took turns is greatly helped by writing it down and feedback from others.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello PyneappleDays,

First off, no it isn't you--he is creating a bunch of problems.

I actually sympathize with him a bit over the "it must be the whole truth or it is a lie" attitude, as I was raised to be very truthful. My dad is very honest. My mom is painfully honest. She will attack him for being "wrong" if he miss-remembers some detail of something that happened a week, a month, or a decade ago. I was raised with a great respect for the truth, and still have that.

I've managed to realize that truth isn't the most important thing, and there are things which are true, but wouldn't be kind to say, and they don't need to be said. Or that sometimes a story is more entertaining even if it isn't strictly truthful, and the lack of strict truthfulness is in no way deceiving or harming anybody. This understanding has taken me decades, and creeps along slowly.

That said... .the way he responds to your "untruth" is completely out of line, and sounds abusive.

Second off... .while it isn't you... .you are living with him, so work on what you can do, and that is change how you respond to him and how you interact with him. an0ught gave you some good places to start there.

Stick around here and keep posting--it really does help!

[Flexion]

The truth vs hole detail

My husband is the a whole story truth kind of person.  Anything that deviates from that is a lie.  If youn leave anything out your lying and will be punished.  He will completely Stonewall you ignore you until you unequivocally admit to and beg for forgiveness. For instance we have been arguing since I came home from my vacation almost a month ago.  I'm not surecwhat to tell him or when for fear of getting yelled at.  I was preparing to move out turned off his cell and neglected to tell his contacts.  If his contact sent me a textvi would say this is no longer his cell.  He preceivs this as a lievme not telling his contacts that this is xxx and my cell and no longer him. He tells anyone who will listen what I'm doing wrong.  His family friends etc.  Ibalways look like the bad guy innhis story.  He has told me to get out twice now.  We started going to concilling. The councillor (religious ) has told him to think of us as a team no her not me or mine. He explained (pastor) that telling family about the other is damaging the team.  Now I try not to tell people my problems I think that's putting too much of a burdon on other people.  I told my daughter (BPD hates my current husband) because I really thought I was leaving.  He blew a gasket.  He said the next time we go to councilling and I lie he walking.

We have only been together for 8 years and he has never been in a long term relationship. When I met him he was in his 40s and single.

So I'm asking is it me? Or a the situation a Dr jekle personality?

sorry you have to deal with this. I know first hand that it's FRUSTRATING to be called a liar every other word. I have lied in the past about petty stuff in fear that I would  have the "Beast unleashed" on me.

Good luck.