Heard from exdBPD gf yesterday after 2.5 months NC

[jessedsickabouther]

Hello everyone. I am mostly just relaying this information for those of you who are curious about how and when an ex breaks no contact or shall I say we break no contact.

Without getting too much into my history I had an 8 month relationship that ended sometime around Thanksgiving. My ex is the very quiet waif type. She does not yell or scream or call me names or hit or anything she doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs although she take several prescription pills.

Anyway to make a long story short she was living with me and I caught her cheating and I told her she needed to leave. Of course a couple days later I didn't want her to leave and I wanted to work it out and she said no and she was leaving anyway. As soon as she moved out she kept texting me and then told me she missed me on Thanksgiving Day and I went to see her. A week of sex and promises to be all in followed including showing up at my door saying that she was in this for the long haul on December 2nd. The following morning she was a completely different person. She wanted to do a friends with benefits 2 days a week which obviously upset me. By the next morning I got the goodbye text and I wish you well and she didn't want to talk anymore. I had to initiate contact because we bought a car together and I use a cell phone that's in her name and I Drive the car so I tried to reach her the following week and she didn't want to talk about anything. She didn't want to resolve any issues and I told her never mind I'll just pay the car pay the phone and said my goodbyes told her I love her always and I will respect her wishes for no contact.

That was December 16th. Christmas came no one spoke. Her birthday was two days later I did not reach out. Then I started getting weird things of indirect contact that I could not figure out. As I mentioned somewhere else on this site about 2 weeks ago she logged into the online Honda account where I make the payments for the vehicle and she change the username and password that we both had for some unknown reason. Again it made no sense she had the login and all this would do would prevent me from making payment. Anyway rather than reach out to her I just bypassed her and made the payments over the phone for February.

So I have maintained strict no contact and I woke up yesterday morning and was driving to work and you can imagine my surprise to see her name pop up on my email at 7:30 in the morning. Keep in mind I have never lied to this girl I've never cheated I'm never raised a hand to her when I found out she cheated and then tried to work it out and found her on a dating site again I called her a name which really pissed her off but aside from that I've done nothing but try to love and support this girl for the entire 8 months that we were together. So honestly I have no idea why she would possibly be mad at me and again I've never seen her yell or outwardly display anger. The only reason I know she is BPD is because she was diagnosed and she was in dbt therapy. By the way I don't think it worked. Haha

So the text or I should say the email I got yesterday was her telling me that a ticket on the car came to her and it was in collections and she didn't want it messing up her credit basically and she sent me a screenshot of it. Well the ticket was from June and it was originally $25 ticket that she never told me about and now it turned into a $72 ticket. Additionally on the screenshot I can clearly see that another ticket was issued on the vehicle in November . This ticket amount says it is $400 but she doesn't ask me to pay the $400 she specifically asked me to pay the $72 even though Both me tickets are clearly me as the driver as the car is a stick shift and she can't drive it.

The ticket never got sent to me and it obviously was mailed in November around the time we were breaking up and it was originally a  $200 ticket that she has let double.

So weird that this ticket is now nearly 4 month old and in the email she doesn't ask me to pay this one.

By the way she doesn't even say my name in the email she doesn't ask any questions just doesn't seem to care at all so I really don't understand what they are doing what she is doing this could have been resolved a long time ago for $25 she clearly keeps getting the bills but never told me and she wakes up on a Monday morning at 7:30 and decides to send it.

I'm not sure if this was a legitimate attempt at just resolving a legitimate issue or she was looking for a response. I went online paid the ticket and sent a screenshot and that was my only reply was the screenshot that it was paid so I did exactly what she asked me to do and nothing more. I went and ship the rest of her belongings back yesterday afternoon and I still need to figure out a way to get her off this vehicle and somehow get this phone transferred into my name so that I can make sure that we don't have to communicate.

And for any of you asking no I am NOT detached and I still ruminate all day long what everything means even though 100% logically I know that it's over and to continue doing what I'm doing.

I will definitely take any words of encouragement or thoughts on what might be next if any of you have seen something similar. When she moved out the week of Thanksgiving we made it clear that we were not being friends or I should say I made that clear because she really beg me to do it and I said if you leave it's over. For three days she texted me about personal belongings and I ignored her and then finally on Thanksgiving I asked her to please stop and she told me she missed me and that's how we ended up getting back together for a week so a part of me is wondering if she uses these issues to see if I will respond or say something but fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

If I hear anything else I will keep you posted on my story but this is the only actual direct contact I've received initiated by her since December 4th.

Thanks

[Sunfl0wer]

If I were you I'd check the court records of the counties that I drive in bimonthly to see if I have any outstanding tickets and pay them.  You do not need her to tell you when a ticket is due.  Better to take responsibility for them yourself before you find yourself accidentally in jail for driving around on a suspended license.

[jessedsickabouther]

Thanks. They are photo tickets. They won't suspend for that.  But I will still check. 

[jessedsickabouther]

How can I move this post to undecided?

[Sunfl0wer]

How can I move this post to undecided?

You can ask a moderator to move it for you... .but I'm not sure how that works exactly or if they do.

Or you can cut and paste part of it and just start a new thread.

It seems though that she is keeping distance between you two for a couple of months now.

finally on Thanksgiving I asked her to please stop and she told me she missed me and that's how we ended up getting back together for a week so a part of me is wondering if she uses these issues to see if I will respond or say something but fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

It is common for many of us to feel strongly attached to our partners and also attached to the prospects we hoped for in the relationship.  Even with the person gone, it can be hard to detach from our identity that we had while in a relationship with our SO.  It is about a year out and I am still recreating my identity and discovering who I am and figuring things out.

So do you think you want to get back with her?  Or do you think you just want the pain of grieving for the loss to end?

[jessedsickabouther]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. There has been some weird in direct contact every couple of weeks that would seem to provoke a normal person into responding however I have gotten around it and taking the high road though yes there has been two and a half months of distance but I don't know that she would be to incline to reach out if she wanted to because of what's already happened to make a long story short.

Basically she left  and then try to get me back three days later for 4 days later and succeeded with a lot of promises. I don't think the break up was particularly terrible and while I don't understand what was really going on in her mind in looking back I was fairly happy in the relationship so I don't think for me it is an issue of identity as I tend to be somewhat of a loner.

So I guess that I'm not understanding the point of the contacts because I'm debating in my mind if she is trying to force me to respond to her or what and as we all know it's virtually impossible to figure out what's going on in their mind.

So long story short I was in love and I thought that we were a good fit and I guess maybe there's a part of me that's in denial and another part that nose is probably for the best to leave it alone but she did not treat me badly and I guess I just miss her.

I've debated if is anything that I can do but I respected the no contact but it seems as though she is trying to provoke a reaction as I stated and I don't know whether to reach out and risk getting my hand slapped or to just let it go. Keep in mind she's never done anything angry or violent or yelled at me or anything she acts in work mostly and I feel a genuine compassion for her and I'm not mad at her even though she did pretty much goes to me and overreact to an argument but it's not really in my nature to stay mad which might be to my detriment

I think I'm not going to get any thoughts from other people on here other than to just move on which I totally respect and that was my thinking of moving it to undecided because I'm just curious what these types of contacts are trying to elicit

This BPD s*** sucks

[jessedsickabouther]

Just one other point of clarity. I got some weird message two weeks after the breakup which was New Years Eve right at midnight and then the person says that it was a wrong number. I tried to contact the number and I can't reach a person so who knows if that was her. Two weeks later she uses a joint reward card and I say joining the sounds of that I gave her the additional card but its in my name. She redeem the remaining points on the card again that would provoke a normal person to at least question why you're doing this or possibly get angry by contacting you. And she doesn't care about the money so she didn't do it for the money that I know. It could have been an anger which I'm willing to accept but I've never seen her be angry. Then two weeks later she changes the password to the car we join own and she changes the username to her email when we have had the same username and password since the day we bought the car and all this could do would be prevent me from going out and paying the bill. It serves no other purpose again other than me having to contact her and ask her why she did it. And then now 2 weeks later again the email about a ticket so you can see why I don't know whether or not to reach out or if I'm being set up just to have my hand slipped away but I have stuck with a no contact other than to pay the ticket and I really wouldn't consider that breaking no contact anyway

[Sunfl0wer]

I think I'm not going to get any thoughts from other people on here other than to just move on which I totally respect and that was my thinking of moving it to undecided because I'm just curious what these types of contacts are trying to elicit

I was avoiding commenting so as not to say anything discouraging as I realize you did not necessarily want detaching advice.

It sounds like you are conflicted on if you want this girl for a relationship or not.

I would have a hard time justifying to myself reaching out to a person who is not actually making themselves available to me. 

It sounds like you are also having issue if to contact or not with her indirect ways of putting herself on your radar.  IMHO, I think you are doing the right thing by not responding to this stuff as if it were actual direct communication by her.  It sounds like her way of getting noticed without risking seeming interested.  Often when we reach out to such things, the pwBPD is simply satisfied with being recognized then returns to ignore us as they got the recognition they were seeking.  I imagine not recognizing this to her must take a bit a self control on your part, so I give you a lot of credit for resisting this stuff.  (These kind of games by my ex drove me nuts and I often wanted to call him out on his games just to prove he was playing games to quit it... .which often just lead to him gaslighting me)

I think the thing to consider in all of this is she is treating you in a certain way, that even if you do reach out and engage with her, she will treat you that way after contact.  What I mean is... .

She is not clearly making herself available

She does not seem to be acknowledging you, rather wanting attention

She is not considerate enough to tell you about the ticket early on, but likely uses it as an excuse to get attention later

She is being avoidant and indirect in the way she is dealing with you

In terms of deciding... .  She is really not offering you a relationship with her to decide on.

If you were to try to pursue her well... .would you feel self respecting doing so under the circumstances?  And if you would feel ok pursuing her, are you ok with the above traits that demonstrate what traits she would bring into the relationship interactions?

[jessedsickabouther]

Sunflower I think your reply is excellent and 100% spot on

And believe me I am proud of myself that I have not responded in any way. I actually beat myself up for responding to the ticket question but considering her name is legitimately on the car I felt as though I had to do something so I gave minimal effort by sending the screenshot of the paid bill but something tells me that was enough for her to get her attention since I responded immediately. And when I mean by her attention her attention that she was seeking. I wanted to wait a few days but I didn't want her to get angry and start yelling so I figured just pay the stupid thing since that's what she asked for

No she is not making herself available in any way. Although I will say that I would be embarrassed too if I was her so that was what was conflicting me. But I guess I'll have to just wait longer and see what transpires next. It did seem like the level of contact was escalating every two weeks. Meaning the first one I might not have even heard about for a while so the second one she knew I would obviously realize I can't login to the stupid Honda account so she got me on that one. But you probably figured I'd have to contact her and then got pissed off that I didn't and saw that the payment was made anyway without me changing the login. Then a few days later the email about the ticket and yes she's not making any sense about it because he doesn't ask me to pay the $400 ticket she specifically asked me to pay the $72 1 so what is she holding that back for two months from now so she can ask me for the $400 1.

God forbid these people can never just say you know what I'm a total a******* and I'm sorry that I messed up your life and I kind of miss you and I like to see you again. But no we know that's a long way from ever happening and I'm trying to barter with mental illness.

I'm staying strong but I will say my resolve has become weaker I can't lie.

[jessedsickabouther]

By the way you were not being discouraging to me I think people need to accept any kind of comments when they post on here although I know we were we are all in different states of fragility with this situation so I appreciate the concern. I felt exactly like you stated about your ex how you wanted to call him out to say cut the s*** because I know what you're doing. I played it out in my head the conversation. I had her dead to rights so she would have to acknowledge that she was doing this stuff and then she's either going to start attacking me or talking about a boyfriend at which point I'm going to say I don't give a damn we don't need to talk about that or she's going to ask me how I'm doing and then I'm f*****.

[jessedsickabouther]

One last thing. There's this huge part of me that wants to indulge in this and take it a step further which I know is probably not healthy at all. But consider the fact that I have honored strict no contact even as hard or I should say as much as I wanted to break it at times.

My mother was like the queen of manipulation and believe me if I wanted to be manipulative right back I could. In fact I worked very hard to not be manipulative or try to control outcomes of situations as I've gotten older

I want also note before I say what I'm going to that I have been the one to be on the receiving end of the majority of her generosity financially during the relationship because what I'm going to say next would probably sound like manipulation or trying to buy someone off in a normal situation As I am the guy.

Having said those two things I almost want to get ahead of the game and put money in an envelope and mail it to her next week. So she can spend some time trying to figure out why the heck im

sending her money. She can't really call me on it because I could just be being nice for all that she is done for me or she could think its for the ticket that she's probably going to ask about in the next couple weeks. I've also consider just cutting her out of this car and paying a much higher rate but I have purposely not cut her out and she has not won it out and I think it has to do with the fact that it keeps us tied together. Think about it if you were breaking up with someone that you never wanted to see you again you sure as heck would fight hard to get any legal financial ties cut. But she doesn't care in fact she sees me driving around getting tickets in large sums of money and the email is to pay the $72 not to slow down not to pay the $400 or not to take me off of the car because it's getting to be too damn expensive and ruining my credit. So think about it what is really important to her here

You just get tired of all the games and you almost want to start playing back and again I don't know if I'm going to send the money so I'm kind of just venting here but you can see why I would want to do it. I have been waiting for her to come back and say something to me because quite frankly I didn't do anything horrible. I never lied I did not cheat I did not leave her. So in my eyes she needs to be the one to speak up. And that's not me saying I want to get back together with her but obviously I wouldn't be on this board typing  this stupid stuff up if I didn't care

Okay I think I have calmed down now thanks thank you all for listening

[jessedsickabouther]

One last thing while I'm on a roll here. My original thought was seriously worried about this 7:30 on a Monday morning seem like a timing to send out an email after two and a half months. My first thought was that whatever Fantasyland she living in with some new guy didn't sit well over the weekend but she couldn't send anything until she left and she was alone but again this is my own assumption or thoughts so I thought she could be trying to see what type of response I would get in the give I should say in the event you needed me and that that's why things are escalating slightly. Oh my god I am so annoying to myself even Its terrible when you know how you sound and you still can't stop

[Sunfl0wer]

I think it is very appropriate that when she sent you a pic of an unpaid ticket that you sent her proof it was paid.  That is very respectful and the right thing to do.  

If you are going to keep some things in her name, then it sounds like you cannot really go completely NC as it seems like these things are a risk to her as well.  I think it is great if you can keep your interactions with her on these matters very 'businesslike.'  Imagine you are dealing with a coworker, respond that way, BIFF.

Unless of course she opens up the door to reach out on a deeper level.

My ex and I had a shared phone plan and a couple of other things.  We were able to manage these things business like... .until we weren't.  He seems always motivated by emotion and likely began dating, had new gal ask why we still share a plan, came up with some fight to pick with me and told me to go find a new plan in two weeks.  (I really do not know what happened, but I imagine it went something like that... .as he seems to need emotion to prompt him to change things, including a phone plan)

If you feel that keeping things in her name is some sort of risk to you, then you may want to cut all ties and have that changed before she changes her mind and puts you in a bad position.

For example, I use my phone for work and if I suddenly got it turned off, this would harm my job.  Thankfully I did not think he would ever cut it off without warning... .as he would not want to feel he is a 'bad guy.'  I do not know if there is potential for harm with your shared stuff, but consider that her mood may change and if she is the type to be harmful in some way to have this 'power' over you... .you may want to take complete control over your own matters.

[Sunfl0wer]

By the way you were not being discouraging to me I think people need to accept any kind of comments when they post on here although I know we were we are all in different states of fragility with this situation so I appreciate the concern. I felt exactly like you stated about your ex how you wanted to call him out to say cut the s*** because I know what you're doing. I played it out in my head the conversation. I had her dead to rights so she would have to acknowledge that she was doing this stuff and then she's either going to start attacking me or talking about a boyfriend at which point I'm going to say I don't give a damn we don't need to talk about that or she's going to ask me how I'm doing and then I'm f*****.

Sometimes I can come off less tactful than I prefer.  I'm working on it.  I'm glad something was helpful!

You know, what I REALLY REALLY wanted when he was playing those games... .

To simply be honest and vulnerable and say something like... .

You know Sunflower, I really am confused and my feelings are all over the place and I really do not know how to make sense of them.  Part of me wants to reach out to you and feel, express, and receive your love.  Another part of me is terrified of rejection and I can hardly tolerate the thought of it.  I love you dearly and wish I could get past this conflict inside of me.  Sometimes I just don't trust you and I am not even sure why or even if it has anything to do with you.  My strong feelings about all this are so much harder and more painful to face and the only way I see to get relief is to try to detach from my strong feelings for you and use deactivating strategies to convince myself that you, Us, actually was not as meaningful as you, Us really are.  I can see how much pain this is causing you, please know, I am feeling as much, if not more pain as well.  I cannot bear to see the pain on your face, carried in your posture... .I have caused and every time I see it, I have to remove myself from you to protect my own pain that I cannot cope with.

I know in my heart... .that this was his experience.  Had he come to me and spilled his guts, been vulnerable and loving... .I would have melted and wanted to love all over him and do whatever was best for us, him... .even separate.  Seeing his behavior, actions, words, emotions never matching was so confusing and disorienting to me.

[jessedsickabouther]

Regarding the phone plan for us, she has never been the spiteful type . She has always treated me well.  Hence why I miss her. So she never tried to screw me over. Not with the car either. All the risk has been on her side and I would never hurt her or damage her in any way. 

I assumed the contract for phone on Wednesday so she is out of that. The car is all that's left.  I thought the same as you.  Sooner or later some guy will want her name off . And when she emailed Monday about the ticket I was surprised she had not asked if I could get her off.

THAT is why I think she had other intentions . But i want to be formerly asked to speak.  No games. 

If not then yes very soon im going to remove her and move on.

But she has never done anything but try and help for both me and my kids. A week before she flipped we were looking to move to a bigger place and get another car.

And looking forward to Thanksgiving.  And I was blindsided.  But she has been kind even in leaving.  At least legally and financially. 

This BPD crap sucks.  I was actually happy. Ugh

[Sunfl0wer]

Having said those two things I almost want to get ahead of the game and put money in an envelope and mail it to her next week. So she can spend some time trying to figure out why the heck im

Lol! Yup! Been there!

My ex's 'game' was leaving me with the script in his mind that he was the 'good guy' and I was out to get him and abusive.  In the end, he tried to set me up to take advantage of hm.  He literally made it hard for me to pay the last rent check, or left me with things I think so he could tell himself that I took them.

I was reaaaaalllly really happy to pay and split the electric bill, and other remaining things we both owed.  I could tell he was posturing himself for an anticipated fight... .because, after all, in his eyes I was no longer the warm Sunflower he fell in love with... .he transformed me and transferred onto me his 'evil uBPDex' and was psychotically responding/reacting to me as if I was out to get him when I was not.  With the minimal contact we had in the end... .I could tell he was surprised every time he asked for a water bill split and such and I would simply reply with, "Thanks for the reminder, check cut by Bank of America from my account, arrival says five days."

I refused to give him "proof" of his delusional script.

Yet, I'd be careful and not send extra money and play back.  It is not healthy or helpful to you.  You know she is playing a game... .leave it there.  If the urge is strong, maybe a separate post to explore your feelings and 'need' to play back?

[jessedsickabouther]

They cant formulate thone deep thoughts and words.  She just could not.  Such a sad thing.  I just choose to love her from afar.  I could use her hug though.  

[Sunfl0wer]

I will admit... .

I was really really glad that for months we had a shared phone plan.  It sounds pathetic, but I was glad there was something that tied us together.  I am glad for the weaning vs a swift rip off of a bandaid.  After getting my own phone line, he then had all his friends and family block me on social media.  That really hurt as I did not abuse him as he thought, yet I can only imagine he told them such to get them to agree with blocking me.

I really had my own independent relationships with them, so I was hurt when that happened.

[jessedsickabouther]

Actually we think on the exact same wavelength. I am NOT going to let her dictate the script that I am the bad guy and I think that is what is going on as well. That's why I responded immediately and paid the bill. This is why I have refused to be triangulated with whoever she is with. I'm not helping her. I am not a jerk. She knows this.  She was calling me my pet name whIle breaking up.

I am NOT taking any crap in the situation and I'm not going to be the bad guy and fortunately he's never been that way so I don't think I'm going to have to but if it starts even one time I'm turning around and walking away if she ever does contact me.

Believe it or not my ex BPD who was actually  NPD who tried to do everything to destroy my life she actually responded when I sent her money for different circumstances and that was how we ended up recycling for 4 months but that's another whole long story

[jessedsickabouther]

As far as all that social media stuff I cut that all on day 1. If there has been a smear campaign I don't know about it. If she has tried to do anything else I don't know about it. The sad part here is I think I have the kind of BPD in history and I feel like I'm the jerk but I even went to a therapist and told her about the last 10 days we were together and what happened and this therapist taught DBT and she told me I need to get away because it is very very sick. I don't even think I realized how bad it was because I think a lot of the stuff has become normalized for me. Yes I have held on to the connection because I figured as long as she didn't cancel the connection she still might want to come back. She lived with me for the last couple of months in a small apartment and I found several of her items buried in the bottom of a tub that had no business being there. They were mostly dress shoes but they were under all my clothes and I let her empty out the apartment on her own as I was not present so that it would not be too emotional for either of us. There were several other items left behind as well and I finally ship those back Monday night and she got them on Tuesday so with the phone and the personal items now severed this car is all that is holding us together. My thought was to C if this upset her enough to speak up before I decide to finalize this and move on

So those are really my only last 2 plays. I'm leaning towards sending the money simply because she did so much for me that it would be the right thing to do anyway and after that if I don't hear anything then I will just refinance the car and take the loss and then she would have no other reason to contact me unless she genuinely wants to speak. She can't reach me any other way so I need to force this to a head. I know that I'm in some denial and she probably has moved on and doesn't even spend that much time thinking about this at all. So this is pretty much my process. I'm honored the no contact and now I need to move to another level on either we speak or we never speak again so I think the next few weeks will determine what happens

[jessedsickabouther]

Not kind of BP I'm using voice texting and its not doing a great job I meant to say kindest BPD hello I am certainly not going to underestimate that that could change at any moment and that's why I have protected myself

[Sunfl0wer]

Believe it or not my ex BPD who was actually  NPD who tried to do everything to destroy my life she actually responded when I sent her money for different circumstances and that was how we ended up recycling for 4 months but that's another whole long story

I'm leaning towards sending the money simply because she did so much for me that it would be the right thing to do anyway and after that if I don't hear anything then I will just refinance the car and take the loss and then she would have no other reason to contact me unless she genuinely wants to speak. She can't reach me any other way so I need to force this to a head. I know that I'm in some denial and she probably has moved on and doesn't even spend that much time thinking about this at all. So this is pretty much my process. I'm honored the no contact and now I need to move to another level on either we speak or we never speak again so I think the next few weeks will determine what happens

Whatever you do, IMHO... .just do it with your eyes wide open.

It sounds to me like you are very grateful to her and miss her.  Also that you do not mind finding a way to express these things.  However, it also sounds like you are aware that sending money in the past has resulted in a recycle.

I think being open and honest are things I want in my relationships.

Even if sending money is a gesture of gratitude, why not just send her a warm note expressing that?  I am not saying you should, I am just remarking that your saying the money is to express gratitude, yet also saying that money has lead to a recycle with another situation.

I am concerned that she is behaving like someone who is not available or interested, and you sending money would be invalidating to her and may cause you to be disappointed or emotionally tied further than you are atm.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think it would be wise though to send money to pay off the other ticket... .directly to the clerk of court. 

[jessedsickabouther]

In what way do you see the money as being in validating can you explain

[Sunfl0wer]

Her behavior is someone who is not seeking connection with you.  Seems more like detaching from the relationship you two had.

You sending money for gratitude for what you had seems opposite to that.  A resuscitation of an expression of your emotions and sentiment about things.

[jessedsickabouther]

I'm not going to pay the other ticket because the ticket has more than doubled and I'm just now finding out about it on Monday there is no $400 ticket that's because she never told me about it and she knows that and I think that's part of why she didn't ask for that money.

Clearly she is with someone else and either there is friction or she's with someone else and happy or she has completely moved on and it is just messing with me

I will send a card with thank you for things that she did and I will probably include the money and tell her that the money is for specific things or I will just stay no contact.

[Sunfl0wer]

What do you think will happen after she receives the card and money?

[jessedsickabouther]

I'm not seeing money as a resuscitation of something we had I'm seeing money as gratitude for something she did.

Here is the only other thing that I have question. If he cheated and then you ask somebody to come back and you leave again and you asked if you could come back in the future that week and you are told no and you pretty much destroyed what there was then what method could you possibly be taking if you did want to reach out.

So again I thought the behaviour would force contact not forced detachment. For example if you are moving on you don't need to be in the car loan changing the password so that I can't get into it. That does not sound like detaching behavior in fact it makes zero sense at all and not one single person has been able to come up with the reason for changing the password on a car that you know I have to pay in order to protect the credit that you say is so important to you a week later that I must pay a $72 bill. And again if you need your credit impeccable then ask to be off of the car and move forward.

Again I am NOT clueless to the fact that she is not tried to say I miss you I want to see you excetera but she has already tried that route before and she got me one time and I don't think she's going to go that route again because I pretty much let her have it at the end.

So she's either perfectly happy if we never speak again or she feels like I need to force him to talk to me

When I sent the email back with the screenshot of paying the money that she asked for she didn't even acknowledge it. If you are in different at this point then you would say thank you very much for doing that for me but it almost felt like she was angry and again I can't assume feelings of a person but knowing her like I do it was almost like well that backfired I didn't think you would actually just pay it I thought he would try to say something. Now yes she might have been looking to rub her life in my face but I don't think so because she never has. Or she could be using it as an opportunity to see if I try to talk her into getting back together so she could shoot me down and be back in control. But I sure you that the intention was not money I am 100% sure it is not about money. With two and a half months of no contact on a diagnose BPD believe me the lack of attention is bothering her it would bother a normal woman let alone someone with BPD. And right now by her contacting me I slowly taking the power away from her a little bit.

And quite honestly it feels a little bit good because I haven't had it. She's not stupid this girl is very smart. And she knew that the person she dated would have replied to any of these forms of indirect contact because the very last thing that I ever told her was that I will always love her and she's welcome to come back if she wants a hug and to have a good life I will not bother you anymore. And now she gets nothing but silence so she's thinking something and it's kind of annoying to me that I'm still talking about this crap because I can't stand this crap any longer. It was hard for me to give that phone back and it was hard for me to send her stuff back I mean it was painful for me to do both I can't believe that I'm saying that because it sounds silly but I felt like a baby was being ripped out of my hands so you can imagine that if she has fear of abandonment and I obviously I'm struggling if we need detached with this car then it's just going to be over and it's going to really hurt. We seem to be very close to each other in that last 10 days of break up even. I don't know how much of my story that you heard but after she moved out when I caught her cheating she started texting me everyday and I ignored her as it was not about us it was about my personal items and I told her not to bother me about it because I don't care just throw away whatever you have but she would not stop so finally on Thanksgiving I said something to her to just let me move on and to stop and then she tells me she misses me so how do I not know that this is not the exact same thing but in a different format.

Once we got back together 4 days after she left this girl hold onto me for dear life and I mean physically we spent like 3 days straight together she would not let me go she would not stop holding me so tight at night and yes I guess it doesn't mean anything now maybe it was her detachment process I don't know but this was not like we're fighting everyday and we hate each other and we're breaking up we were very very close and she did not want to lose me. But as we all know once they meet someone else and move on quickly they don't think and then 3 months down the line they are in a similar position. And that's where I'm wondering what the hell's going on right now. If I respond does she say she misses me again and then what don't you think I'd be willing to take that chance if I was sure I wanted to recycle. I mean I can't get rejected much more than I am now

What I need to do is get into therapy and make time for it because I'm obviously not healing

[jessedsickabouther]

What do I think will happen if I do that. I think she will sit and think about it for days. I think that depending upon what I write she'll probably cry. I think there is another guy involved that she is probably attached to already in some way and that's why I do think you're correct and that she's not directly reaching out to me yet so her response would be conditional upon that situation possibly. At one point she asked if I would consider being her friend or friend in a few months and I told her absolutely not. So I think that she will probably enjoy the power for a few days and then it's anybody's guess what would happen. At this point without more from her I don't know that I'm willing to give up what little bit of power is out from just receiving the email asking for the money. It is all I have is knowing that it is not about money so she had to reach out to me for her own needs and I don't know what they are but that's all I have right now to make me feel good at all if this makes sense to anybody or they can relate at all and believe me I don't really care that much about power but when somebody else takes all of it away and abandons you like this you will hang on to anything you can to feel like you're not the bad one.

I think I will hear from her again but she has gone through DBT therapy and maybe she's self aware and she realises that we just aren't meant to be for other reasons and that she still love me as a person but just not in that way I don't know. This whole thing has me completely messed up because I don't even know if she ever really love me and I gave her the opportunity in the beginning because I knew she had gone to DBT but all of my reading and all of my research and all of my years of reading every single post on all three boards and yes I have read every single one of them at one time or another tells me where this is going to go and yet I am still still still yes I said it 3 times still in some form of denial

And I really don't know what I want and that's why I kind of reposted on undecided and I probably shouldn't be posting all the stuff on detaching because I am really struggling with the attaching

[jessedsickabouther]

Oh and I will tell you what else did she would do I would bet something huge on this I think she would send me the money back she won't take the money I would bet money that she won't keep the money that's how much I know she doesn't care about the money that's how well I know her is she will send it back and tell him tell me to keep it which will then only further make me wonder why the hell are you asking for $72 when it was really only a $25 ticket that you could have paid in November just to not have to talk to me anymore and then we're right back to ruminating and speculating and then I'm going to just jump off a building cuz I can't take this anymore. Obviously I'm joking about that part but I don't even understand breaking up over this stupid reason and how I even find myself here 3 months later