Ok, because you admitted that you are in denial, I will play a little devil's advocate here... .
I'm not seeing money as a resuscitation of something we had I'm seeing money as gratitude for something she did.
You are bringing the 'past' up and making it current by bringing it up... .your current sentiment is making it 'current.'
Here is the only other thing that I have question. If he cheated and then you ask somebody to come back and you leave again and you asked if you could come back in the future that week and you are told no and you pretty much destroyed what there was then what method could you possibly be taking if you did want to reach out.
So again I thought the behaviour would force contact not forced detachment. For example if you are moving on you don't need to be in the car loan changing the password so that I can't get into it. That does not sound like detaching behavior in fact it makes zero sense at all and not one single person has been able to come up with the reason for changing the password on a car that you know I have to pay in order to protect the credit that you say is so important to you a week later that I must pay a $72 bill. And again if you need your credit impeccable then ask to be off of the car and move forward.
Ok, you are focusing on the 1-3ish times she 'reached' out to you in some indirect way. You are giving meaning to it that may make you feel significant to her.
What about the 100,000 times she did not indirectly 'reach' out to you? What about all those days? Why grasp at the glimmer of hope in some vague behavior? You can also choose to focus on the fact that she is completely capable of reaching out to you, she has your email and other contact info. She has chosen not to ... .maybe 10,000 times?
Consider another perspective... .
Her indirect 'reaching' may not even have a single thing to do with you. What if it is all about her? What if she was just feeling rejected by a guy she liked and reaching out to you for an ego boost to see if you would take the bait to prove herself desirable?
Look, I'm not going to pretend to know why she almost really reached out but didn't. I can't put anymore stock into my made up guesses any more than you should pit stock in your made up hopes.
I'm just saying... .
Keep your eyes open! I think the likelihood that it is about you is quite rare.
What is telling is her behavior that she presents to you... .
Noncommital
Not available to you
Uncomfortable with direct, open, honest dialogue.
Again I am NOT clueless to the fact that she is not tried to say I miss you I want to see you excetera but she has already tried that route before and she got me one time and I don't think she's going to go that route again because I pretty much let her have it at the end.
So she's either perfectly happy if we never speak again or she feels like I need to force him to talk to me
I do not see where she is even trying to 'force' anything. She is not showing interest, you are making up that meaning and reading that into her behavior. She may very well be interested in you... .or not... .but you have no basis for any conclusion either way.
What I need to do is get into therapy and make time for it because I'm obviously not healing
I think it is not uncommon for many of us to feel the need for therapy during or after our relationship. My T was very helpful at this time and I still see him occasionally. This is probably wise of you.
