Heard from exdBPD gf yesterday after 2.5 months NC

[Sunfl0wer]

Ok, because you admitted that you are in denial, I will play a little devil's advocate here... .

I'm not seeing money as a resuscitation of something we had I'm seeing money as gratitude for something she did.

You are bringing the 'past' up and making it current by bringing it up... .your current sentiment is making it 'current.'

Here is the only other thing that I have question. If he cheated and then you ask somebody to come back and you leave again and you asked if you could come back in the future that week and you are told no and you pretty much destroyed what there was then what method could you possibly be taking if you did want to reach out.

So again I thought the behaviour would force contact not forced detachment. For example if you are moving on you don't need to be in the car loan changing the password so that I can't get into it. That does not sound like detaching behavior in fact it makes zero sense at all and not one single person has been able to come up with the reason for changing the password on a car that you know I have to pay in order to protect the credit that you say is so important to you a week later that I must pay a $72 bill. And again if you need your credit impeccable then ask to be off of the car and move forward.

Ok, you are focusing on the 1-3ish times she 'reached' out to you in some indirect way.  You are giving meaning to it that may make you feel significant to her.

What about the 100,000 times she did not indirectly 'reach' out to you?  What about all those days?  Why grasp at the glimmer of hope in some vague behavior?  You can also choose to focus on the fact that she is completely capable of reaching out to you, she has your email and other contact info.  She has chosen not to ... .maybe 10,000 times?

Consider another perspective... .

Her indirect 'reaching' may not even have a single thing to do with you.  What if it is all about her? What if she was just feeling rejected by a guy she liked and reaching out to you for an ego boost to see if you would take the bait to prove herself desirable?

Look, I'm not going to pretend to know why she almost really reached out but didn't.  I can't put anymore stock into my made up guesses any more than you should pit stock in your made up hopes.

I'm just saying... .

Keep your eyes open!  I think the likelihood that it is about you is quite rare.  

What is telling is her behavior that she presents to you... .

Noncommital

Not available to you

Uncomfortable with direct, open, honest dialogue.

Again I am NOT clueless to the fact that she is not tried to say I miss you I want to see you excetera but she has already tried that route before and she got me one time and I don't think she's going to go that route again because I pretty much let her have it at the end.

So she's either perfectly happy if we never speak again or she feels like I need to force him to talk to me

I do not see where she is even trying to 'force' anything.  She is not showing interest, you are making up that meaning and reading that into her behavior.  She may very well be interested in you... .or not... .but you have no basis for any conclusion either way.

What I need to do is get into therapy and make time for it because I'm obviously not healing

I think it is not uncommon for many of us to feel the need for therapy during or after our relationship.  My T was very helpful at this time and I still see him occasionally.  This is probably wise of you.

[Sunfl0wer]

What do I think will happen if I do that. I think she will sit and think about it for days. I think that depending upon what I write she'll probably cry. I think there is another guy involved that she is probably attached to already in some way and that's why I do think you're correct and that she's not directly reaching out to me yet so her response would be conditional upon that situation possibly. At one point she asked if I would consider being her friend or friend in a few months and I told her absolutely not. So I think that she will probably enjoy the power for a few days and then it's anybody's guess what would happen. At this point without more from her I don't know that I'm willing to give up what little bit of power is out from just receiving the email asking for the money. It is all I have is knowing that it is not about money so she had to reach out to me for her own needs and I don't know what they are but that's all I have right now to make me feel good at all if this makes sense to anybody or they can relate at all and believe me I don't really care that much about power but when somebody else takes all of it away and abandons you like this you will hang on to anything you can to feel like you're not the bad one.

I think I will hear from her again but she has gone through DBT therapy and maybe she's self aware and she realises that we just aren't meant to be for other reasons and that she still love me as a person but just not in that way I don't know. This whole thing has me completely messed up because I don't even know if she ever really love me and I gave her the opportunity in the beginning because I knew she had gone to DBT but all of my reading and all of my research and all of my years of reading every single post on all three boards and yes I have read every single one of them at one time or another tells me where this is going to go and yet I am still still still yes I said it 3 times still in some form of denial

And I really don't know what I want and that's why I kind of reposted on undecided and I probably shouldn't be posting all the stuff on detaching because I am really struggling with the attaching

When I read this it feels like you are just wanting to know that in some way, you matter(ed) to her.

If I am hearing you correctly, I am not sure how to reply because there were times that is all I wanted to know, is that I was important to him, our time together was meaningful to me... .but I have no idea what he actually thinks and likely I will never find out.

You mention denial and I wonder if you are partly in denial.  However, I also wonder if what you are calling part of this denial is in fact the conflict of your heart and your mind.  You logically know that there is little to no hope, yet your heart is still desiring to connect.

There is an article or post around here on that more clearly... .I wish I could find it for you... .if I come across it, I'll share.  It is about why specifically in these relationships it is especially hard to get our hearts and mind in sync and our hearts take time to join.

[jessedsickabouther]

I read everything u wrote.  It's all 100 percent correct.  She has moved in. It's over.  Tonight or tomorrow morning I will write a final email regarding the car only. Give her some options how she can remove herself.  If she can't I'll refinance without her. 

With the phone now in my name,  her items returned,  the reward card cancelled and the car resolved there are no more reasons for contact each other or speculate. 

You gave me what I was looking for.  Thank you.  I will try to start meeting other people and start as friends . I've waited 3 months.  I am sad but it's time to make the final cut.

[Sunfl0wer]

IMHO... .

If you do write an email... .Sleep on it for a minimum of three days, look it over, then decide if you still want to send it.

Often when I am struggling and want to get something off my mind... .My words are chosen differently than had I calmed down my system and wrote from a more 'wisemind' place vs emotional mind.  Even when I thought I wrote a completely objective letter, days later I would find all kinds of 'hidden' emotions that I didn't see while writing it.

[jessedsickabouther]

I wrote the email and fortunately I have a girlfriend who is up to speed on this entire issue as we seem to talk about it daily . So she is telling me what to take out and what to leave in .

I guess in closing what I really wanted was what I had.  I was never on here when we dated. I take equal blame for the breakdown. I ignored some red flags but chose to go on. I felt loved most of the relationship. And I can see where as a man I was invalidating. I thought it was fixable.

I have to move on. I have to. I don't want to. I was hoping she was reaching out.

But she isn't. She won't talk. She wanted something else. I thought time apart might wake her up since she said she wasn't sure.

I deserve better. I wasn't perfect but I didn't deserve this.

I can love her from afar. That's all I can do.

At least it will be done. And I won't be confused.

I thought she was the one. I feel so much compassion for all the people who have suffered much longer than I did. I dont understand why BPD seems so prevalent.

Thank you for all your thoughts sunshine . 

[jessedsickabouther]

Sunflower

[Sunfl0wer]

Sunflower

I hope you have some peace to yourself.

Having someone look it over sounds excellent!