Maximum Waifing

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Ok so it's not maximum, but it's very irritating. My uBPD mother has let my brother come to stay with her while he "gets better" (he has problems with drug addiction and mental illness). This is about the third time she has let him come to stay with her. Each time he is verbally and emotionally abusive towards her (I believe he thinks she deserves this as payback for his childhood and the way he was verbally and emotionally abused). While I have my own issues with my mother, I don't think she deserves the way he treats her and told her I didn't think she should let him stay with her again. Well she did and it has all gone to hell, and she feels afraid of him. He is on forced shots of risperidone, and it does not seem to be working this time (he may be doing meth, which would cause him to continue to be in a psychotic state). He is delusional and targets all of his anger about his life situation on her - it's her fault he's on forced medication, her fault his daughter was taken away, etc. etc.

Recently she has started saying "if something happens to me, tell the police I was afraid of him! Tell the media too!" To be honest I think there is a part of her that wallows in the idea of "something" happening to her. I think she believes she will finally get the "good mother" prize she seems to want so badly. She desperately wants everyone to believe she is a "good mother", which I think is a large part of why she keeps letting him stay with her. She wants him to think she's a good mother (never gonna happen), me, my dad, the world. I think she thinks she can erase the past of our childhood, where she was just really preoccupied with her own issues, and chose her abusive NPD boyfriend over her children because she didn't want to be alone.

Every time he comes to stay with her, she complains about what a hardship it is. He takes complete advantage of her and she can't see it. It's like she thinks if she lets him walk on her enough, one day he'll magically appreciate her help. I get very annoyed because I have essentially cut him out of my life due to his abusive and threatening ways. He continues going back to street drugs, and never believes he needs to be on medication. She acts like she is a victim in all things, and she has just been blown about like a leaf in the wind. She said to me "I did everything everyone told me to do". "Everyone" is just mean and has given her bad advice. I pointed out she did not do what I told her to do, which was not to let him stay with her. Now I have asked her how much longer she will put up with it. Her response is that he won't leave, and she knows the police will not help her. This annoys me, because she often doesn't try and do anything about anything because she "knows" how things are going to go. I told her to tell them she's afraid for her life.

I feel like I might have to step in and start making calls to police, mental health, etc. to help her get him out. I'm annoyed because she never listens to me about him, and I thought something like this might happen. I really don't want to get involved, because anyone that goes against him becomes his target. In the past he's threatened me, shown up to my house, even broken into my house and stole my laptop because he was mad I would not give him $20. I don't want to be involved, but she is not going to save herself from this mess it seems.

This is starting to look like a Karpman triangle isn't it. I have no interest in coming in to rescue her, but the stakes are very high. I agree she has reason to be afraid of him. I think it's very self-serving for her to be telling me to "tell them I was afraid of him". She wants to go down as a martyr and is not thinking about how saying this makes me feel. I got mad and told her this was a self-absorbed request to make, and I wouldn't do it - now I feel bad.

I don't know what to do.

[cleotokos]

Ok so it's not maximum, but it's very irritating. My uBPD mother has let my brother come to stay with her while he "gets better" (he has problems with drug addiction and mental illness). This is about the third time she has let him come to stay with her. Each time he is verbally and emotionally abusive towards her (I believe he thinks she deserves this as payback for his childhood and the way he was verbally and emotionally abused). While I have my own issues with my mother, I don't think she deserves the way he treats her and told her I didn't think she should let him stay with her again. Well she did and it has all gone to hell, and she feels afraid of him. He is on forced shots of risperidone, and it does not seem to be working this time (he may be doing meth, which would cause him to continue to be in a psychotic state). He is delusional and targets all of his anger about his life situation on her - it's her fault he's on forced medication, her fault his daughter was taken away, etc. etc.

Recently she has started saying "if something happens to me, tell the police I was afraid of him! Tell the media too!" To be honest I think there is a part of her that wallows in the idea of "something" happening to her. I think she believes she will finally get the "good mother" prize she seems to want so badly. She desperately wants everyone to believe she is a "good mother", which I think is a large part of why she keeps letting him stay with her. She wants him to think she's a good mother (never gonna happen), me, my dad, the world. I think she thinks she can erase the past of our childhood, where she was just really preoccupied with her own issues, and chose her abusive NPD boyfriend over her children because she didn't want to be alone.

Every time he comes to stay with her, she complains about what a hardship it is. He takes complete advantage of her and she can't see it. It's like she thinks if she lets him walk on her enough, one day he'll magically appreciate her help. I get very annoyed because I have essentially cut him out of my life due to his abusive and threatening ways. He continues going back to street drugs, and never believes he needs to be on medication. She acts like she is a victim in all things, and she has just been blown about like a leaf in the wind. She said to me "I did everything everyone told me to do". "Everyone" is just mean and has given her bad advice. I pointed out she did not do what I told her to do, which was not to let him stay with her. Now I have asked her how much longer she will put up with it. Her response is that he won't leave, and she knows the police will not help her. This annoys me, because she often doesn't try and do anything about anything because she "knows" how things are going to go. I told her to tell them she's afraid for her life.

I feel like I might have to step in and start making calls to police, mental health, etc. to help her get him out. I'm annoyed because she never listens to me about him, and I thought something like this might happen. I really don't want to get involved, because anyone that goes against him becomes his target. In the past he's threatened me, shown up to my house, even broken into my house and stole my laptop because he was mad I would not give him $20. I don't want to be involved, but she is not going to save herself from this mess it seems.

This is starting to look like a Karpman triangle isn't it. I have no interest in coming in to rescue her, but the stakes are very high. I agree she has reason to be afraid of him. I think it's very self-serving for her to be telling me to "tell them I was afraid of him". She wants to go down as a martyr and is not thinking about how saying this makes me feel. I got mad and told her this was a self-absorbed request to make, and I wouldn't do it - now I feel bad.

I don't know what to do.

[Turkish]

 Kind of like that Stephen King novella, Maximum Overdrive? 

I feel two things here, well maybe three: your frustration with your mother asking for a Waif Rescue, when she's perfectly capable of doing it herself; your frustration and anger towards your brother; and, your concern and love for your mother.

Through all of the communication tools here, we talk about validating the valid, and invalidating the invalid. If your there wants to go out like Joan of Arc, that's on her. It sounds, however, like she's in an unsafe situation. There are senior advocacy centers where you can report elder abuse. Maybe you can contact one. Let the professionals handle it? It sounds like you are at this point now.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Cleotokos

I’m so sorry you caught up in this stressful scenario,.

Is there not the danger that you just take the monkey of your mom’s back and end up being demonised by both of them ? Or your brother just projects the blame at you rather than your mother, and you’re a saddled with decades of abuse.

I saw this dynamic between my BPD mom and GC NPD bro. It was very stark because the NPD treated her appalling, but the BPD still kept him as her GC, nothing could break that dynamic. The "rescuer" in that dynamic was treated appallingly by both. Toxic for anyone else involved I would assume.  :)oes sound like a job for the professionals as Turk indicated. This situation is of your mom's making and it does seam unfair for her to bring you in on this, but BPD do like their drama. You could argue that to dance their dance is to enable even more abuse.  From a safety perspective, it does sound time to lodge these concerns with the appropriate organisation. Would you say it's a damage limitation, lesser of the evils scenario you're in ? Best wishes and keep safe. 

[cleotokos]

Turkish, I had not thought of a seniors advocacy center. I will see if there is one where they live. Yes it is very very frustrating to deal with a waif! She is perfectly capable of doing SOMETHING in this situation, but she won't do anything because she already knows exactly what the results will be (and they're not good). In her mind, there is no possible positive outcome to any of the options she has. This allows her to see herself as a helpless victim, and anyone who doesn't see her that way is an aggressor. Story of my life, she's always tried to portray others as bullies, including me.

HappyChappy, that's exactly what I'm afraid of. The only way to avoid my brother's focus is not to have any kind of contact with him. Calling the police, a seniors center, or anyone would make me a target if he were to know. He doesn't know where I live but I'm worried about him finding out. He believes it's perfectly acceptable to threaten and intimidate others if he feels emotions, and make his own family feel unsafe in their own homes. Then he laughs at us for being afraid of him and acts like that's an absurd notion. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, except he's 6'2" and close to 300 pounds.

I think for now my course of action will be to try and get her to do something. She hasn't even asked him to find somewhere else to live. That would be a start. I already told her to tell the police and his psychiatrist that she's afraid for her life. If encouraging her to take action over the next couple of weeks doesn't lead to anything, I will try the seniors center route.

Thanks for listening.