Any help would be appreciated.

[rb08]

I don't really know how to do this, but here it goes. I'm not really sure what is going on, whether we are in a relationship or not. But my other half has BPD he's not on medication and he doesn't want to be and I won't push that idea on him, we have had a continuing issue over the past week or so, where he has said to me that I'm clingy and I control him... we have different opinions and he doesnt understand that. I'm far from either of those things. I'm a very blunt person, he said he loved that about me , that we could be open and honest. But now I'm treading on eggshells!

He asked me to give him some space which I agreed to, I then had a little pregnancy scare which I thought he should know about. So I gave him a call, I was then wrong for calling, then for telling him over the phone.

I have depression and severe anxiety issues that I keep at bay from him, we met and I have never been so in love with anybody. He has told me it is over, but his friends are telling me to give him space and because his mind is muddled and he does love me. But I've heard nothing of this from him. He's cold and blunt to me, thinks he should be alone as he always has.  But he doesn't need to be, I have a son who adores him and we even had the conversation of adoption.

Am I fighting a losing battle? Or can we come back from this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi rebeccalouise, welcome!  You have come to a great place.  What makes you think your SO has BPD?  Has he been formally diagnosed?  Your story is quite familiar and walking on eggshells is commonplace in a r/s with a pwBPD.  Whether you can come back from this is hard to say, though I note that a BPD r/s usually has a push/pull dynamic and it could be that you are temporarily pushed away until he decides to pull you back in.  The most important thing, I suggest, is figuring out what is right for you.

LuckyJim

[kc sunshine]

Hi Rebeccalouise!

We're here for you! I agree with your friends to give him some space and also to use that space to "reset" yourself ... .that's where I am now-- to learn about the tools for validation, self-soothing etc. The good thing is that even if they don't come back, the tools in themselves are good. But if they do come back, we'll have more of a chance of making the relationship work if we know them!

xoxo

[rb08]

He was diagnosed about a year and a half ago, he's also extremely intelligent and has to keep his mind active. I don't really know what else I can say, he hasn't spoken to me for 2 days, other than to find out about my doctors appointment. Anything and everything I am saying is 'the same old stuff' that I keep repeating myself and he gets even more frustrated. I listen to him and I try my hardest to see things from his view. I know it's not his fault, I've just never been in this position before. I can normally walk away from a relationship yes a little bruised but bearable. This has really hit me. We talked about marriage and as I'd said, him adopting my son. The things going around in my head about how he must of just switched off his feeling won't leave and it's all just crushing my soul. Sorry for sounding pathetic. This is all extremely hard, my son doesn't understand why he can't see him or speak to him. And it's all just a mess

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, rebeccalouise, Unfortunately this all sounds quite familiar and is typical behavior for a pwBPD.  I'm sorry that you are in pain.  Why is it, do you think, that you can't walk away from him?  Most Nons (including me!) have codependent tendencies that create an unhealthy dynamic in the r/s, which makes it resemble an addiction from which it is difficult to withdraw.  Not saying this is your situation, but worth thinking about.  I agree w/kc sunshine and suggest you turn the focus on yourself.  Treat yourself well, with kindness and respect, I suggest. 

LuckyJim

[rb08]

He's the first person I have been with that I haven't felt any doubts about him, I genuinely fell in love with him the moment we met. Sounds silly I know. I guess I am a little dependant on him.

It's difficult to withdraw because he told me he'd always be around, he wants to be there for my son (Alfie) (he has aspergers syndrome) has issues with trust and he attached to him straight away, which is very new and different for him. We were a family and because of some misunderstanding or poor judgement he's shut away from us. Next to no contact and if there is its short and even though I know he can't take it in with his mind all muddled at the moment it's like he doesn't care that I'm hurting.

I've never really put myself first so I wouldn't know where to start in looking after 'me'

[Lucky Jim]

I've never really put myself first so I wouldn't know where to start in looking after 'me'

Now is the time to start.  You might begin by loving and accepting yourself, just the way you are, with all your shortcomings.

Easier said than done, I know, yet in my experience many positive benefits flow from this simple premise.  You are worthy; You were born worthy; and It's how you are built.

LuckyJim