Do they ever stop?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I posted yesterday about being finally free but... Do they ever just stop?

I don't ever remember when she and I were together she ever paid attention to an ex let alone was coming to their house three nights a week and sleeping in bed with them. I know my ExBPDgf is with someone else now, but... .Will she ever just let me go? I find it strange, she didn't do the things when she was with me with any of her exes. She still wears my clothes and has my things! I can't believe the person shes with is OK with this. Unless she's manipulated them to think their insecurities were unattractive.

I blocked her on texts and calls, She still continues to email me begging me to see her and be "best-friends" I told her it was too painful to be her best friend and for the sake our futures we need to go our separate ways.

I mean, will she ever stop? Is this only going to fuel her to continue to contact me?

I want to be done, I'm ready to just be done.

Has anyone had this experience? I am hoping that she'll see me now as a lost cause and just detach herself.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I posted yesterday about being finally free but... Do they ever just stop?

I don't ever remember when she and I were together she ever paid attention to an ex let alone was coming to their house three nights a week and sleeping in bed with them. I know my ExBPDgf is with someone else now, but... .Will she ever just let me go? I find it strange, she didn't do the things when she was with me with any of her exes. She still wears my clothes and has my things! I can't believe the person shes with is OK with this. Unless she's manipulated them to think their insecurities were unattractive.

I blocked her on texts and calls, She still continues to email me begging me to see her and be "best-friends" I told her it was too painful to be her best friend and for the sake our futures we need to go our separate ways.

I mean, will she ever stop? Is this only going to fuel her to continue to contact me?

I want to be done, I'm ready to just be done.

Has anyone had this experience? I am hoping that she'll see me now as a lost cause and just detach herself.

[Lonely_Astro]

Your question is a complex one.  My ex said the same thing about missing her "best friend" and how she "couldn't just turn her feelings off" about me, yet she's in a full blown r/s with my replacement.  She claims he knows all this, but either he has weak boundaries, doesn't care, or doesn't know the extent of our talks.  There's no other logical explanation of it.  I'm going to opt for #3... .I'm sure she minimized us talking to him.

Anyway, I think they'll only stop when you're no longer stimulating them.  Even negative feedback is feedback.  Once they can no longer get anything from you, they'll move on.  Mine did.  At least it seems that way... .kind of.  What I mean is when I found out she was in a r/s, I immediately ceased contact with her.  Up until that point, I had been getting push/pull conversations with her.  The last thing she said to me was she wanted to be my friend.  I declined.  That conversation was about 2 weeks ago, but feels like months ago.  She has seen me around the office and I've ignored her, yet she's still popping up for attention.  The latest thing she's done to me is chase the replacement down the hall and have a giggly conversation with him within earshot of me.  Yes, we all work together.  She did this on purpose, I have no doubt. Prior to that she took and held a package delivered for me so she could deliver it to me herself.  She even emailed me (I was out of the office) telling me the package had arrived the day before (I didn't respond to her email).  So, she's still doing 'little' things to remind me she's around.

I believe this will diminish as time goes on.  Just become mundane.  She'll eventually move on.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Wow, I don't know how you do it having to see her every day when you just want to move on.  At least I can choose when I see my ex or not.

I guess my eyes just needed to open that *I* was the one actually in control of the actions. I was saying it was all HER that was coming in strong, and her that was wanting to be friends. *I* was allowing this and so now *I* needed to walk away and finally do what should have been done months ago.

I just don't want the temptation. I need to cover all my bases and just get the support I need to be strong.

[Lonely_Astro]

Wow, I don't know how you do it having to see her every day when you just want to move on.  At least I can choose when I see my ex or not.

I guess my eyes just needed to open that *I* was the one actually in control of the actions. I was saying it was all HER that was coming in strong, and her that was wanting to be friends. *I* was allowing this and so now *I* needed to walk away and finally do what should have been done months ago.

I just don't want the temptation. I need to cover all my bases and just get the support I need to be strong.

Oh, what's even better was she was alluding to wanting to get back with me the whole time she's been seeing this guy that has been described as "being head over heels in love" with since mid December.  Try that on for size.

Seriously though, if you're ready to walk away (and YOU have to be ready), just do it.  You don't have to be mean or cold or ghost out.  You can tell her that the friendship isn't working and off you go.  That's, basically, what I did to J when she told me she wanted to be my friend.  I told her I appreciated but I felt I couldn't confide in her and that I wanted more than just a friendship with her.  So, I declined and haven't talked to her since.  It's not easy, mind you, but this wasn't about me.  She wanted to be my friend because that kept me in her stable for later, if she desired it.  After all, what other purpose is there in keeping your ex lover around as "a friend" while you date other people and do whatever else, all the while getting upset if you even think they're moving on?  Thanks, but no thanks.  I deserve better than table scraps.

NC, btw, is for you... .not them. If you choose to go that route.  Just expect a heavy pull when you do it.  It'll activate their abandonment fear.  That's why I told J I couldn't be her friend or talk to her.  Other than the small popping up things I mentioned, she hasn't tried to contact me.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I told her exactly how I felt, and yet she still keeps wanting to try and work it out. I worded it in a way that wasn't insulting or passive aggressive but in a very simple way saying it would never ever work with us just being friends.

I first said my goodbyes two weeks ago, and she apparently has been blowing up my phone and now my email. So I think the no contact is driving her crazy because this isn't on her terms, its on mine.

It kills me because despite everything she put me through, I do not want to hurt her but it's getting more and more clear she has very little regard for my feelings. I walked away and now I'm preparing for the aftermath.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

PX1983, sorry this is going on.  I would keep your expectations low about her stopping anytime soon.  It could take a very long time.  My ex stalked and harassed me for almost a year.  Experts say the average length of time is 18-24 months.  Mine contacted me over 700 times.  Many of his messages were nice, sincere and tempting.  Others were rageful and/or threatening.  He threatened my reputation, suicide, my kids, other people.  I think he used up every possible excuse to get me to call him.   

I installed an alarm system, moved offices, was on total lock down for 9+ months, haven't answered an unknown phone number since the b/u.  I doubt I will ever again answer an unknown number.  His "not stopping" caused such havoc in my life and my kids' lives.  My financial life too. It is the most f*cked up thing I've ever gone through.   

He got locked up at the end of 2015 for a reasons unrelated to me.  Even then, when he had "one" phone call to make after being arrested, he called me.  Despite the fact that I had not responded since the b/u.  He called about five more times from jail but couldn't leave a message.  After that, he has finally stopped calling. 

I do not know what will happen when he gets out.  My prayer is that enough time will have passed and that he will have bigger fish to fry so that he leaves me alone.  But once I know he is out, the serious safety precautions will resume.  Not having to worry about it for now has been an enormous relief. 

This may be somewhat atypical for pwBPD, but I know I am not alone.  Others on this site have experienced similar behavior.  I hope your ex will let go and move on soon. 

The only thing I know is DO NOT RESPOND.  It was often a struggle.  He sounded so sympathetic and sincere.  Or so scary.  I was tempted.  But I knew that "one conversation" would turn into the demand for another.  As one former Director of Public Safety told me, "if you don't put out the food, they stop coming around."  Indeed, I used to leave a bowl of dog food outside for my dog. Once  I realized raccoons were eating it, I stopped putting the food out.  It only took a day or two but the raccoons quit coming.  I wish my ex had done so as quickly. 

I surely hope yours does too.   

FYI, Gavin de Becker's book, The Gift o Fear, kept me sane and gave me strategies.  I hope your ex figures this out quickly and that you don't need any additional support, but it is an exceptional read.

Hang in there!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Gavin de Becker Wisdom:

* "if you tell someone ten times that you don't want to talk to him, you are talking to him/her nine more times than you wanted to"

*  "If you call him back after twenty messages, you simply teach him that the cost of getting a call back is twenty messages."

*  "Nothing you can say will be heard by him the way you mean it to be.  There is no straight talk for crooked people."

*  "with each response you buy another SIX weeks."

*  "... have no contact.  Only then will he (she) begin to find other solutions to his (her) problems."

[JQ]

PX,

No 2 people with or without BPD are the same and therefore no one can predict the behavior of one based on the behavior of another. With that said, BPD do exhibit similar behavior ... .tweak it here ... .tweak it there. Reclaiming & Astro have shared with you their experiences and mine experiences are not to much different. My first exBPDgf from 22 years ago still manages to enter my life via my mother & sister who have giving her my number. I've since downloaded an app that will block both text & calls from her.

My second experience with my exBPDgf does similar behavior as the others have expressed. If you go NC it very well could trigger their "abandonment" fears and they'll continue to reach out with emails, calls, text, drive by's etc.  She has kept every letter, card & trinket I've ever given her ... .but I'm not alone. She's done the same with bfs from 25-30 years ago. It's an attachment behavior ... .if they have a trinket, in their mind you're not really gone and all they have to do is make the call and you'll come running.

They need to remain in control of the relationship ... .and like someone else said ... .I'm not willing to be the  backup quarterback to come in the 2nd quarter of the game with the first one went down.  When she paints him black she starts to paint me white ... .and the cycle would start all over again. BPD is a very serious cluster B mental illness that never has and never will make logical sense.

You're doing the right things ... .stay strong ... .

JQ

[Lonely_Astro]

I told her exactly how I felt, and yet she still keeps wanting to try and work it out. I worded it in a way that wasn't insulting or passive aggressive but in a very simple way saying it would never ever work with us just being friends.

I first said my goodbyes two weeks ago, and she apparently has been blowing up my phone and now my email. So I think the no contact is driving her crazy because this isn't on her terms, its on mine.

It kills me because despite everything she put me through, I do not want to hurt her but it's getting more and more clear she has very little regard for my feelings. I walked away and now I'm preparing for the aftermath.

That's classic push/pull behavior.  You take the stimulation away and now you're her sole focus.  She can't stand the idea of losing you from her life (fear of abandonment), so she'll do anything to keep you around.  While some BPDs don't 'chase', the vast majority do.  So, you get weak and you start talking to them again or agree to another try.  Then they dump you.  It's all on their terms.

Usually once you become boring, they'll lose interest and move on.  I mean, take mine for example.  Once I declined being her friend, she hasn't bothered me via phone.  But, she emailed me when I was out of the office to tell me about a package that had arrived for me.  I didnt respond.  Then, I come back to the office a couple of days later (I was out of town on an assignment) and I go to get the package she had emailed about... .it was gone.  There's an area where packages are left when the person getting it isn't around.  Why was it gone?  She had it.  She delivered it to my office.  Why?  To have an excuse to see me.  Luckily, I wasn't in my office when she delivered it.  I know she was the one that delivered it to my office.  It seems like a little thing, right?  Picking up a package for someone.  No big deal.  But, it gave her an 'in' to see me.  She could've easily left the package in the mail room for me to get at my convenience.  But, she felt the need to drop it off.  Logic tells me the reason being was she wanted me to see her, even though she is intimately aware that seeing her is painful for me.  This wasn't simply a nice deed on her part.  No, it was a calculation.

Just like we were headed toward each other going down the hall and I focused on a point ahead and never acknowledged her.  I wasn't doing this to be childish.  I was doing this because I am weak.  If I look at her and she gives me that coy smile she usually gives, I'll either cave and reach out to her (puts the ball back in her court, right?) or I'll get sad again (once again, I give her 'control' of how I feel).  As she passed me, she stomped her feet heavier and let out a small huff.  She was mad because I didnt pay attention to her.  Later was when she chased L down the hall and was all giggly about picking his "mommy" up at the airport for him later since he was working.  She's such a great gf, isn't she?  That whole interaction was done to hurt me, by her.  She's all about control.  She's trying to stay in my orbit now because I've rebelled.

Just go NC and forget about what she's going through.  It doesnt matter.  It's not your responsibility.  Keep yourself safe, of course, but don't respond to her games.  That's what she wants.  Any interaction with her shows her she's still able to influence you.  Dont let her.  Be friends / interact with her because thats what YOU want, not because thats what SHE wants.  This isn't about her, its about YOU.

[troisette]

JQ's right PX - there's no standard template for BPD responses to NC.

I've been NC for five months - this after five months of push/pull after it ended. Only one circuitous  attempt to contact me, two and a half months after I started no contact, this by returning something of mine. I didn't respond.

But he's older and I'm told that age brings different ways of dealing with situations for BPDs. He, for instance, has taken about five trips since I ended it - he's got the money and time to do this. I've only seen him once, at a distance, but a couple of friends have told me that he doesn't look good. So I assume he's running to escape but this is only an assumption - if you're no contact you don't really know what's going on for them and conjecture isn't good for us.

During the push/pull months he was frantic to keep me as a friend - and angry when I wouldn't comply or be FWB while at the same time he was saying that we could never get back together again. (I think this due to his previous experiences.) His lifetime pattern is to run away whenever he can while keeping people in his loop.

Younger BPDs maybe haven't learned these superficial coping strategies and may  try to break NC to avoid abandonment. He runs to give himself the simulation of control - it's a form of self-soothing. Self-soothing can manifest in different ways... .

NC is hard, can't sugar the pill. Recovery isn't linear but one day at a time it does get easier and slowly their impact begins to fade and the longing to be with them. Fuzzy focus becomes clearer and I see things in different perspective now - sometimes very clear, sometimes not so sharp.

No contact is for us, not them - gives us clear space to separate and see things more clearly. Not easy but the best way forward.

Best wishes.  

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Thank you all for your feedback. Seriously, just hearing your stories helps.

I just need to remain strong on this, the last thing I want to do is hurt her when I feel like she doesn't understand what she is doing. I mean... It's an illness, she's not an evil person. But for my own sanity and what her illness has put me through I needed to close the door.

I guess that is what I am looking for, just encouraging words to show I did the right thing by going NC.

It's been almost 48 hours since her last at attempt at contact. Normally 2-3 days is her breaking point. Last time this happened she started to reach out to my friends to have them tell me she missed me.

Thank you all. Yes, all BPD people are different but their actions seem to be pretty in line with each other for the most part.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Like you PX, I did not want to hurt my ex.  I believe he was terribly hurt, abandoned and desperate.  I hate that for him.  His life is a mess and now he's locked up.  As much as he messed up a lot of my life (I let him), I still do not want to hurt him.  My choice to go NC is not to punish him.  It is to protect me and take care of me and my kids.  I wish we could have had a normal, b/u conversation, but that was not possible.  As far as I am concerned, it never will be and I will never take that risk.

Still, NC is not punitive.  It is not mean spirited or spiteful or hateful (though I have had spiteful and hateful feelings along the way). 

I like what de Becker says:  "... .no contact.  Only then will HE begin to find other solutions to HIS problems, which you can't help with anyway.  As long as HE gets a response from you, HE is distracted from HIS life."

Though my ex might disagree, I firmly believe that NC is best for both of us.  I need to get on with my life and he needs to get on with his.  What we each do with that life is up to us.  I hope he will make the most of his time locked up, get released and do all that he is capable of doing.  He is educated, smart, funny, and incredibly perceptive and articulate.  He could be very successful.  Who knows what he will do.  I honor him by letting HIM make the choices about HIS life.  He could commit suicide.  He could succeed.  In the most respectful way, that is up to him.  Just as it should be up to me about my life. 

We are all naturally creative, resourceful and whole beings.  Part of that is getting to decide ourselves what we do with our life.  We may do it well or not, we may recover or not, but at least at the end we all got to choose for ourselves, BPD or not. 

You sound loving and caring.  Sadly, sometimes leaving is the most loving thing we can do for everyone involved. 

[JQ]

PX,

you asked, "O they ever stop" ... .and you've received some good information here ... .ReclaimingMyLIfe makes some valid points. NC is for you, not for them in any sort of punishment role ... .but for you to heal, to learn, for you to educate yourself on BPD, emotions, feelings, thoughts ... .but most importantly to learn about yourself.

I've been NC with my exBPDgf for while now ... .Two days ago, she called me & hung up twice ... .long enough for her call to register on my phone but before I would of had the chance to pick up if I wanted too. I really didn't want too ... .one was at about 7 am, the time I know she's going to work and the other was about the time she would of left work ... .

So my question to you ... .IS why would she do this? What is the reason behind her calling and hanging up before I can really get a chance to answer it? ... .if the group would like to chime in and give additional input ... .please feel free to do so ... .

J

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I have received wonderful feedback and I appreciate all of it. I'm here to learn about BPD and help myself right now. Therapy is helping but hearing from people in the same boat as me is very therapeutic.

As for your ex calling you. I think it's a way for them to make sure you don't forget about them. So they know that YOU know, they are thinking about you and they get the satisfaction of knowing you are thinking about them.

That's why I made the choice to block her. She can think all she wants that her calls and texts effect me, but that is all on her. I needed to block her to make sure for my own sanity I don't think about her at those moments she calls or texts me.

What is your reason behind you not blocking your ex? Are you ever tempted to answer? Or are you completely detached at this point where you are not effected?

[Lonely_Astro]

I have received wonderful feedback and I appreciate all of it. I'm here to learn about BPD and help myself right now. Therapy is helping but hearing from people in the same boat as me is very therapeutic.

As for your ex calling you. I think it's a way for them to make sure you don't forget about them. So they know that YOU know, they are thinking about you and they get the satisfaction of knowing you are thinking about them.

That's why I made the choice to block her. She can think all she wants that her calls and texts effect me, but that is all on her. I needed to block her to make sure for my own sanity I don't think about her at those moments she calls or texts me.

What is your reason behind you not blocking your ex? Are you ever tempted to answer? Or are you completely detached at this point where you are not effected?

I haven't blocked J because I simply know she won't send me a message.  After we broke it off 4 years ago, she never sent me a message.  Granted, our r/s was 'different' this last go around but I just don't expect her to do so.  If she did, I may or may not read it.  I may or may not choose to respond. 

But, I'm 99.9% sure she won't text.  It would open her up to rejection and she can't take that risk.  Besides, she's fully enraptured with my replacement to care how I feel.  Besides, how I feel doesn't matter.  Her contacting me would be to serve her own self interest, nothing more.

Since J isn't the harassment type, I see no reason to block her.  I don't have social media, so there's that.  Her only way to contact me is call/text, which like I said, she won't do.

[JQ]

I have received wonderful feedback and I appreciate all of it. I'm here to learn about BPD and help myself right now. Therapy is helping but hearing from people in the same boat as me is very therapeutic.

As for your ex calling you. I think it's a way for them to make sure you don't forget about them. So they know that YOU know, they are thinking about you and they get the satisfaction of knowing you are thinking about them.

That's why I made the choice to block her. She can think all she wants that her calls and texts effect me, but that is all on her. I needed to block her to make sure for my own sanity I don't think about her at those moments she calls or texts me.

What is your reason behind you not blocking your ex? Are you ever tempted to answer? Or are you completely detached at this point where you are not effected?

MMMMM ... .  PX ... .the force is strong within you ... .quick study you are ... .study you must continue to avoid the dark side ... .mmmmm ... .ok ... .Master Yoda sounded better in my head ... .    During your journey you must keep a sense of humor ... .it's important that you keep an sense of humor & keep smiling.

You ask some very good questions ... ."What is your reason behind you not blocking your ex?"  Like Astro said, she said good bye to me & after so many recycles of the same thing over and over and over again ... .I made a choice that I didn't want to recycle again. I stopped chasing her after the last time, I'm north of 50 and to tell you the truth I was just tired of it all. That & my military background of discipline helped.

You asked, "Are you ever tempted to answer?"  Am I tempted ... .I believe I would be lying to say no I'm not. BUUTTTT !   After dealing with her flying monkey's after she set them free asking me to put them back in their cages ... .again ... .I'm to old to be going out chasing flying monkey's.  I think about all the sexual triangles she had me in among other issues and decided this isn't what I wanted in my life. 

You asked, "Or are you completely detached at this point where you are not effected?"   I don't know if I'm completely not effected by her behavior ... .after all like most of us on this site we fell "in love" with our own BPD. I knew her for 30 plus years, reconnected after loosing contact over 25 years ago.  But for all the reasons you have read here on this site is the reason why I don't believe I could reach out. Again my military background helps with the self discipline. 

I know that BPD is a cluster B mental illness with very, VERY little documented "management" of the behavior that causes the turbulent and chaotic relationships they have. She has been in & out of therapy with Ph.d's & clinical physiologist for 25 plus years, yet she continues to have suicide idealization, SI, sexual triangles, deregulation, rages, etc. etc. etc. on a consistent level. I know that she calls or text not out of love or concern for me but it's all about her & her emotions.  And as you said, " So they know that YOU know, they are thinking about you and they get the satisfaction of knowing you are thinking about them".  Which goes back to it's all about them. I know that she's had a really bad childhood with sexual, mental, emotional, physical abuse by family members in addition to feelings of abandonment by a parent.

I didn't Cause the BPD, I can't Control it and I certainly can't Cure it.  I've learned that in order to have any type of r/s with her I have to be responsible for 80% of the relationship constantly giving and that will result in my mental & physical exhaustion that will eventually lead to my demise in one way or another.  I've had to learn a new language of BPD & adjust my language & behavior so as not to trigger her or reduce her anxiety because of any perceived real or not feelings of abandonment the might have triggered her anxiety. I've come to learn that studies are showing that there are physical evidence to suggest physical abnormalities of the frontal cortex that regulates behavior in addition to the childhood trauma she experienced or a combination of several things. Because of all of this she will be forever the 3 year old toddler when it comes to behavioral issues regardless of her educational level. I've had more than one clinical physiologist tell me that she is permanently broken & that any assemblance of a mutual respectful relationship is never going to happen.

I've blocked her from all social media so she is unable to "stalk" me as it were. As much as I care for her and want to help her, I'm NOT a Ph.d and no amount of love will be able to make things work. Once you take a deep breath, open your eyes, and realize that BPD cluster B behavior mental illness,  each has to make they own choice ... .I choose not to let the doors open to the cages with the flying monkey's ... .

J

[anothercasualty]

I'm to old to be going out chasing flying monkey's. 

Once you take a deep breath, open your eyes, and realize that BPD cluster B behavior mental illness,  each has to make they own choice ... .I choose not to let the doors open to the cages with the flying monkey's ... .

J

The reference to the flying monkeys cracked me up. Gave me the best visual. Thanks for the laugh during this time of heaviness!

[JQ]

I'm to old to be going out chasing flying monkey's. 

Once you take a deep breath, open your eyes, and realize that BPD cluster B behavior mental illness,  each has to make they own choice ... .I choose not to let the doors open to the cages with the flying monkey's ... .

J

The reference to the flying monkeys cracked me up. Gave me the best visual. Thanks for the laugh during this time of heaviness!

Hi AC,

You're welcome! It's a great way to describe the chaos & frustration we feel in a BPD relationship.  Towards the end of the r/s & afterwards whenever she would call or text the thyme of the flying monkey's from the Wizard of Oz would start to play in my mind. BUAHAHAHAA     You have to keep an sense of humor ... .it helps with the recovery. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SESI19h4wDo

JQ

[OopsIDidItAgain]

JQ... I read the whole thing in Yoda's voice. I was cracking up the whole time so thank you for that.

I actually woke up to two emails from her this morning. I was going to delete them but temptation got the best of me and I opened them. One was asking me a question about someones address that she could have asked ANYONE about. Then she sent another saying "never mind I found it" about 5 minutes later.

I DID NOT RESPOND!

[anothercasualty]

I DID NOT RESPOND!

And that is the best part of that message!

[Nuitari]

I posted yesterday about being finally free but... Do they ever just stop?

I don't ever remember when she and I were together she ever paid attention to an ex let alone was coming to their house three nights a week and sleeping in bed with them. I know my ExBPDgf is with someone else now, but... .Will she ever just let me go? I find it strange, she didn't do the things when she was with me with any of her exes. She still wears my clothes and has my things! I can't believe the person shes with is OK with this. Unless she's manipulated them to think their insecurities were unattractive.

I blocked her on texts and calls, She still continues to email me begging me to see her and be "best-friends" I told her it was too painful to be her best friend and for the sake our futures we need to go our separate ways.

I mean, will she ever stop? Is this only going to fuel her to continue to contact me?

I want to be done, I'm ready to just be done.

Has anyone had this experience? I am hoping that she'll see me now as a lost cause and just detach herself.

I understand completely, because I am in the same boat.  I told my story in another thread, but the gist of it is that I was in a relationship with a BPD woman who is married.  She decides to reconcile with the husband, and so I feel its time for me to move on.  The problem is she won't let me.  I still get calls from her, sometimes for no other reason than to chit-chat.  She's very needy and always wants to cry on my shoulder when she is upset about something, and seems completely oblivious to me feelings and my need to move on.  I finally didn't have the energy to do it anymore, and stopped returning her phone calls.  Out of guilt, I sent her an email explaining why I can't talk to her.  We still communicate occasionally through email, but I don't answer her phone calls anymore.  I think she is finally getting the message that I can no longer talk to her.  But what makes things even more complicated for me is that I miss her a lot, and sometimes I have to fight the urge to call her.  She and I were very close, and I wish I could remain in her life as a friend but, like you, I also find that it only keeps the cycle of pain going. It kills me to know that she is back with her husband, and all I want to do now is mentally detach myself from the entire situation.

[FlSunshineGirl]

It's funny how many of us have had similar things said to us from our exBPD about wanting to be best friends. And I've been wondering the same thing, do they ever finally give up and move on? And why do they have this notion that we still would even entertain the thought of still being friends with them?

It's been over a year since I went NC with mine.

At the exact 1 day until 1 year that we spoke he sent me an email telling me how he missed me always, thinks of me everyday and signed it "take care my friend."

He's attempted contact 3 times since I've stopped talking to him and I've been able to stay strong enough not to reply back. It hasn't always been easy, but this last time was much easier than the first two times.

Last time we spoke he had told me how toxic the relationship was and he couldn't do this anymore. I told him let's say goodbye and go our separate ways, hoping to break free of him for the last time. Then he asked, "Forever?"

I told him what did it matter if it was so toxic.

Then he wrote me how much he wished things worked out and how I would always be his best friend and how much he loved me. This was after he had been going behind my back with other people and lying about it.

This was also after arguments that had escalated to the point of him self harming and telling me he had asked to be baker acted by a family member.

Totally crazy situation! He had been diagnosed BiPolar and BPD.

In our last conversation he kept saying how he didn't understand why we couldn't be great friends. 

The first two emails he sent me after NC he kept saying how he wanted his best friend back. And that we didn't have to see each other, just email from time to time. What? Seriously? Might as well just come out and say, "Hey, I can't tolerate being alone, so do you mind if I use you from time to time to meet my own needs like I've always done with no thought or care to what you want or need?" That would have been much closer to the truth.

I've never before allowed someone who treated me so poorly stay in my life so long. It was such a nightmare of a relationship. It seemed he was never happy even with me giving him everything he wanted. Like a black hole that just kept sucking the life out of me. And any time I would voice any needs of my own he couldn't tolerate it and it would become a huge blow up.

There was so much dysfunction and I'm not sure why they think after all the drama, chaos and fightng that there could be a friendship when there never really was one all along.

After all this time I think they just can't let go because since they have identity issues, you leaving is like taking a piece of who they thought they were away with you. And of course they hate being abandoned so if they can get you back, maybe it tells them they aren't such a bad person after all and didn't get abandoned.

I think they need to know that you still care about them.

From what I have heard my ex has been in a relationship with a woman for the last several months but she must not be meeting all his needs like he requires so that's why he reached out to me.

He had told me before he didn't know how to love and that he had cheated on everyone. (Funny how naive I was to think I would be different! Ha)

I am finally over him and enjoying the peace and calmness that not having him around brings.

While we were together I constantly had anxiety and a knot in my stomach. The stress was making me physically sick.

It's not always going to be easy, but NC is the best thing and the right decision if you truly want to heal and get your life back. I don't have any regrets for maintaining the NC. Best decision I've ever made when it comes to him.

[JQ]

JQ... I read the whole thing in Yoda's voice. I was cracking up the whole time so thank you for that.

I actually woke up to two emails from her this morning. I was going to delete them but temptation got the best of me and I opened them. One was asking me a question about someones address that she could have asked ANYONE about. Then she sent another saying "never mind I found it" about 5 minutes later.

I DID NOT RESPOND!

PX,

As others have said on several other post here in this forum ... .this could be several things.

It could be that she feels ashamed, guilt that things happened they way they did and is in her own twisted way make initial contact with you to start up a conversation with you. To the end result ... .is anybody's guess. It could be she's attempting to start to paint you white again because bf#2 is not fulfilling her needs mental or physical & is in fact getting tired of the crazy train roller coaster ride that they're on and wanting to get off of it. So she's starting to triangulate you ... .

The rest of the reason are variations of this ... .We all have moments of weakness when it comes to our own BPD relationship ... .how we handle each & every moment is up to us ... .no one can tell you what you should be doing or what to say.  If you want to reengage and make 180% commitment of yourself ... .go in with your eyes wide open knowing what you know and have no disillusions of what you're going to encounter. If you want to disengage, move forward in the healing and recovery & education of yourself then maintain NC ... .block your FB account & other social media ... .if you want something in between ... .if that is even possible then try that path ... .but the choice is yours and yours to make ... . 

mmmmm ... .Do ... .or do not ... .there is no try ... .mmmm ;-)

[JQ]

Hey Sunshine,

It seems as if you're in a really good place in life after what we all know is a stressful, anxiety filled, r/s with someone who has BPD. I'm really happy for you and know how hard it has been for you to get to this point ... .but you've done really really well  

My first real relationship with a BPD is from 20 plus years ago ... .she has wormed her way into my BPD's mothers & BPD sisters life in order to try & maintain contact with me ... .this after 20 years of NC. She has battle a couple of types of cancer & has survived ... . And frankly ... .she's STILL Batsh!t crazy!  She's been in a long term r/s with a guy who provides a roof over her head, some other types of stability but lacks performance in the bedroom. She has had a long term r/s with another who provides in the bedroom what bf#1 lacks. He is aware and it's an open agreement they both have. He has severe issues with boundaries ... .and she takes advantage of his weak constitution and boundaries. When I was in town visiting family for health reasons, she was there. And once she got me alone, suggested ... .almost demanded that I take over the physical needs of bf#2 since he wasn't fulfilling her needs anymore ... .but she could maintain r/s with bf#1.  Ummm ... .I'm sure there are some guys on this planet that would enjoy this arrangement ... .but I'm not one of them ... .and she continues to suggest / demand that I partake in this arrangement ... .LMAO ... .like that will ever happen.

exBPDgf #2 is doing pretty much the same thing ... .even knowing where I stand on the subject after I have repeatedly told her I will not be a knowing party to this type of r/s or behavior ... .and since we all know that BPD behavior is difficult if at all possible to "adjust & manage" I went NC with her too.  

You said it best ... ."It's not always going to be easy, but NC is the best thing and the right decision if you truly want to heal and get your life back" ... . I couldn't of said it better myself ... . 

J

[FlSunshineGirl]

Hey Sunshine,

It seems as if you're in a really good place in life after what we all know is a stressful, anxiety filled, r/s with someone who has BPD. I'm really happy for you and know how hard it has been for you to get to this point ... .but you've done really really well  

My first real relationship with a BPD is from 20 plus years ago ... .she has wormed her way into my BPD's mothers & BPD sisters life in order to try & maintain contact with me ... .this after 20 years of NC. She has battle a couple of types of cancer & has survived ... . And frankly ... .she's STILL Batsh!t crazy~!  She's been in a long term r/s with a guy who provides a roof over her head, some other types of stability but lacks performance in the bedroom. She has had a long term r/s with another who provides in the bedroom what bf#1 lacks. He is aware and it's an open agreement they both have. He has severe issues with boundaries ... .and she takes advantage of his weak constitution and boundaries. When I was in town visiting family for health reasons, she was there. And once she got me alone, suggested ... .almost demanded that I take over the physical needs of bf#2 since he wasn't fulfilling her needs anymore ... .but she could maintain r/s with bf#1.  Ummm ... .I'm sure there are some guys on this planet that would enjoy this arrangement ... .but I'm not one of them ... .and she continues to suggest / demand that I partake in this arrangement ... .LMAO ... .like that will ever happen.

exBPDgf #2 is doing pretty much the same thing ... .even knowing where I stand on the subject after I have repeatedly told her I will not be a knowing party to this type of r/s or behavior ... .and since we all know that BPD behavior is difficult if at all possible to "adjust & manage" I went NC with her too.  

You said it best ... ."It's not always going to be easy, but NC is the best thing and the right decision if you truly want to heal and get your life back" ... . I couldn't of said it better myself ... . 

J

Hey JQ,

Thank you for the compliments! I'm in a better place now than I have been in a very long time. Ours was a long, 5 year on again off again cycle. I've gone back to school to pursue a second degree and I'm doing other things that are healthy for my mind and my body.

Thank you for saying that. 

Wow! You grew up with a mother and a sister with BPD? What was that like growing up? Do you find it hard to find healthy relationships because of your childhood? I know my childhood and growing up with an alcoholic and very angry and moody father that was super controlling set me up for finding similar guys to date! I've dated a few addicts. My college boyfriend was an alcoholic but I didn't even realize it. It wasn't until after college and him starting to dabble in hard drugs that the lightbulb came on for me. I would even have friends introduce me to "great guys" they know and both times the guys turned out to be drug addicts! Crazy!

Good for you for saying no to the two Ex's in your life and going NC with them!

- sunshine