Daughter-in-law with BPD - want to support son and grandchildren

[maysmiles]

I found this site and am so grateful for everyone who has shared their stories.  It's reading my life story with my DIL and I am comforted knowing others understand the difficulty I am also facing.  My situation started a year ago. My son and his first wife separated and he was pursued by, moved in with, and married the new DIL within a few short months.  They are now expecting a baby - he also has two children 2 and 4 by his first wife.  My son's father was diagnosed with BPD a few years after our own divorce so I am familiar with the behavior patterns.  When I noticed similar behavior with the new DIL, I questioned my son if she was diagnosed BPD - he would not admit or deny it. 

I have a good relationship with my son - If there is an issue with anything, we have been able to discuss it - we are both able to apologize, accept responsibility, etc.  We both had counseling for many years after his dad and I divorced. My son is intelligent, thoughtful and also has issues with being comfortable in his own skin.  He is currently on medication (I have not pried but think it may be for depression or anxiety) and seeing a psychiatrist. 

Currently, myself and my son's stepfather have been asked by DIL not to communicate with her.  My son said he would like DIL and us to have a better relationship, but he loves us and has his own relationship with us so it's ok.  Other family members and friends have reached out and been rejected by DIL.  On the plus side - my sister currently has a very good relationship with DIL (once we realized DIL was most likely BPD she modified her approach and has been successful in maintaining contact).

My heart bleeds for those MIL's who are prevented from seeing their grandchildren.  We are fortunate to have contact with the older grandchildren through their mother (Part of the original drama with DIL which led to our being cut-off of contact by her).  We do realize we will have none or very limited contact with the new baby.

I am looking for suggestions on how to keep communication open with my son.  Currently, I have contact with him while he is at work (3 weeks on an oil rig).  I limit my contact with him during the 3 weeks he is home.  I do not want to alienate my son so if I mention his wife, it is only in a positive way. 

I am also looking for suggestions regarding how others handle the lies, distortions, etc. told by their DIL which are continuing even though I have no contact with DIL  (we still send birthday greetings and gifts).  I worry my relationship with my son will be affected if he is continuously inundated with negative comments about me.

My situation is still fairly new and not as entrenched in years as some others are.  I wonder if anyone has been able to reverse a negative relationship with someone with BPD.  Or at the least, I am very open to suggestions to keep it from getting any worse.     

[Kwamina]

Hi maysmiles

Welcome to our online community

Dealing with a BPD DIL can be quite challenging, I am glad you do still have a good relationship with your son though. It is interesting that your son neither admits nor denies that his wife has BPD. Since his father was diagnosed with BPD, your son might notice the same behavior patterns your are seeing in his wife. Perhaps he is not ready to admit this yet. Do you perhaps feel that your son is somewhat in denial about his wife's behavior? What are the most significant BPD traits you notice in your DIL?

You and your son's stepfather have been asked by your DIL not to communicate with her. Your sister however still has contact with her. In what ways has your sister modified the way she approaches your DIL?

If your DIL does indeed have BPD, I can imagine how hard this must also be for your son to have to deal with. Especially since he's also dealing with certain issues of his own, you suspect depression or anxiety. How would your describe the relationship your son has with his wife? And how does his current wife treat his two older children from his first wife?

We have a thread here about dealing with BPD in-laws that I encourage you to take a look at. You can read the experiences of other members there and how they manage to cope:

BPD in-laws: Experiences and coping strategies

Take care

[maysmiles]

I feel my son knows his wife has BPD but possibly believes he can handle it's effects.  My son's father is deceased (by illness)  and my son feels most of the difficulty was with his dad's addictions and PTSD rather than being BPD.  So Yes, he is in denial about how his wife's actions are related to BPD - he thinks it's the stereotypical MIL vs DIL relationship challenges.  He does admit DIL is "stubborn".

The behavior I see in my DIL is the lies, distortions, and negative perceptions she has of everything I say and do. Even the most benign statement is twisted into something so perverse it's unrecognizable.   I have apologized extensively for my "tone", "overstepping boundaries", "butting my nose in", etc.    and even apologized for the thoughts and feelings that are projected onto me.  DIL is very controlling - I believe she is answering texts I send to my son (when he is home) because the pattern and tone is different.  My son is no longer communicating with friends he has had since childhood.  One very close friend was told never to communicate with him again.  I suspected but was not told DIL was pregnant - when I directly asked my son if DIL was expecting, he intimated she was but warned me that DIL could never know he said anything "EVER" to me.  He has also become more and more secretive about things and lying by omission.

My sister modified her approach by effusively praising DIL.  The smallest positive action is given profuse and over-the-top validation.  When DIL mentions a grievance about me, the ex-wife or someone else, my sister might say "What?" as though surprised.  She talks directly to DIL's emotion - she ignores the words in the complaint... .She'll say things like "You sound upset".  (She does not feed into the grievance or validate the complaint).

My son is completely supportive and loves his wife.  DIL is wonderful with the older children and has brought stability and order to their lives.  The children are living in two diametrically opposite household environments.  First wife - while lots of love abounds - the environment is chaotic, little household order, few enforced rules of behavior, new live-in boyfriend.  New marriage has very orderly environment, strict rules, high expectations of behavior.

First wife and son were miserable together and both have found happiness with someone else.  Even though my son's new relationship happened so quickly, we did accept and welcome new DIL and the positive impact she brought to my son and his children.  My relationship with her seemed amiable and loving at first, so I was caught off guard when the first accusations started from DIL and how it escalated downhill so quickly.  I want to ask my son if DIL has been diagnosed with BPD and if she went off her meds for the pregnancy... .but unsure if that will open up a loving discussion or a Pandora's box.   

I do not want to do anything that will alienate my son and, quite frankly, am frightened by the prospect of losing a relationship with him.  At times I just want to cry at the helplessness I feel.

Thank you for your response and the link you posted.  Having this website is a God send.

[whiplashed_mom]

Hi! I'm sorry I have nothing to encourage you with, at the moment, but, here's a big hug! I have such a dil, too. Only, the moment of realizing she was ill, was after she cut us off from my son and her, and got him to do it. ---a month after telling us she was carrying our first grandchild. She has further isolated him from everyone he knew.

Bpd and the like should be as openly discussed as depression and ptsd, which I hear of daily.