Mother is "queen' type BPD

[nowitmakessense]

My mother is the "queen" type, and for 46 years I have dealt with her unreasonable demands.  I just can't do it anymore, so I have been avoiding her (easy, because I choose to live faaaar away from her) I just can't stand the phone calls anymore -- she talks a mile a minute, overtalks me, interrupts me, and it's all about her. all the time.  But that's not the worst of it.  For YEARS i have been expected to give her money.  I am a single parent, and my kids come first, but she gets put out if I don't give her Christmas, birthday, valentines, ect. gifts, even though for 18 years she has NEVER given my son or daughter any gifts, always saying " i don't have any money" yet I have literally given her thousands of dollars, let her live with me for free, fed her, did her laundry for her, and listened  to her talk talk talk.  I'm exhausted from her.  My daughter is graduating this year, and instead of sending a gift or offering to help out with the expense of the grad, my mother is mad at me that I said no to paying for her flights and putting her up for a month so she could come the the grad then have a vacation on my dime. and I've been hurt for a long time from her lack of being a mom to me or grandmother to my kids.  I feel like I have no parents really, and that I was more of a parent to her -- providing support, money, listening to problems I couldn't deal with, all the while knowing that she didn't even really like me, she prefers my sister, who is very similar to her.  I just stay away, but it sucks to feel like this about my mother, and it sucks that she is so selfish and narcissistic that she will probably never change because she thinks she is perfect, always right.  She can also be really abusive mentally, huge rages, very insulting, and kind of scary when she gets going that way. 

[Turkish]

Hello nowitmakessense,



It certainly sounds like she is Queenly, but from your description, also a bit of a Waif ("life is too hard; I need to be saved".

Good for you to assert the boundary of not flying her out fir her granddaugter's graduation. That's a solid boundary.

Have you seen the book Understanding The Borderline Mother? This discussion is based up it:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Many of us struggle with desiring the parents we wished we had had, and it's sad. However, you're in good company here with fellow travelers 

What do your kids think of her, what do they say, and how do you handle it?

Turkish

[Rock Chick]

I agree with Turkish 100%... .Queen type with a side of Waif type. The BPD in my life is also the queen type but then again they also are a lil of all the types... .so i guess mine is WHQW. Thanks for posting .

[nowitmakessense]

Thank you both for your insight... .waif, never thought about that, but I really do see it in her.  Yes, I've read the book, that's why nowitmakessense . I'm glad to finally know that there really is a reason I feel so neglected and used by her. I've known all my life that there was something really wrong with my mother but when you are enmeshed in an abusive situation its easier sometimes to just do whatever it takes to keep the crazy person from hating you or freaking out. I just accepted that my mother didn't love me and that I unfairly had to mother her because that was just the way it was. When I was 10 years old she left me in charge of my six brothers and sisters for a week! My own children just accept her and they have never known things to be any different -- she is their only living grandparent so they don't know that grandparents are supposed to be kind and loving, they have no one to compare her to.  It feels good to get this OUT of me, thank you both so much for listening and may peace be with you.