A strange form of projection

[unicorn2014]

I'm still processing my last fight with my partner, last Saturday. I wish I could do it over because I would do many things differently but I can't. Some of the things he said to me have stuck to me like spaghetti on a wall, particularly the one about conflict avoidance which we were discussing on the PI board. The reason that one is bothering me is because there is someone who is avoiding conflict in his life: his wife. He's had to file a motion to compel to get her financial affidavit. I know with a person with BPD traits there's no point in going over what was said in the past, that is I think he projected his wife's bad traits on to me, however I want to defend myself against that in the future. I am guessing that in this case self knowledge avails everything. In other words if I know myself then what he says to me won't matter because I will know it doesn't apply. So then my next question is do 'normal' or 'regular' relationships require this amount of self knowledge? I've never had a 'normal' or 'regular' relationship in my life, so I have nothing to compare it to. How do 'normal' or 'regular' people treat each other?

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Just for comparison, today my partner is all loving, telling me how much he misses me, wants to be with me, is serious about being with me.

Contrast that with this text message from last Tuesday.

Then I have no interest in talking to you further

Good day

Right I do not like your attitude at all... .

I am sry I called you. You just are creating drama today that has nothing to do with us. I can either help you with this or you can call me when you get it under control your choice

Do not talk to me again about being abusive until you yourself stop

###

I love you

I can't forget about text messages like this, ever, and I also can't talk to my partner about them because that will do no good.

My belief is the more I disengage when there is any kind of problem at all the less of that kind of text I will get.

What do you think?

[Daniell85]

I think it's true, if you can do that disengaging. You have your limits and being able to recognize when they are being hit ( boundaries) and enforcing that is essential.

Easy to say, hard to do. I know it is. 

I am curious what it is about the text that makes it something you will never be able to forget. What does it trigger for you? Is there a reason for the trigger specifically?

I realized today why I find it very hard to endure being called names and being cursed at. Beyond the obvious that it is generally upsetting. My step father was a man with a very profane mouth. As a child I was called filthy names and hit a lot. A little breakthrough for me, because what set me off to end my relationship a couple of days ago was being told that my boyfriend was calling me dirty names and saying nasty things about me to the woman he cheated on me with. Other people heard him

Anyway, maybe ponder on it why the text got to you so badly that it seems to have burned itself into your mind.

[unicorn2014]

I think it's true, if you can do that disengaging. You have your limits and being able to recognize when they are being hit ( boundaries) and enforcing that is essential.

Easy to say, hard to do. I know it is. 

I am curious what it is about the text that makes it something you will never be able to forget. What does it trigger for you? Is there a reason for the trigger specifically?

I realized today why I find it very hard to endure being called names and being cursed at. Beyond the obvious that it is generally upsetting. My step father was a man with a very profane mouth. As a child I was called filthy names and hit a lot. A little breakthrough for me, because what set me off to end my relationship a couple of days ago was being told that my boyfriend was calling me dirty names and saying nasty things about me to the woman he cheated on me with. Other people heard him

Anyway, maybe ponder on it why the text got to you so badly that it seems to have burned itself into your mind.

That text is full of blame and shame.

I sincerely believe that if I can back away from my partner before there is an outburst that means I will be spared texts like this. I've read about it on the improving board, how women will let their husband rage at their voicemail, and will check the voice mail until they've noticed their husband was calmed down. I would like to be that secure in my self/my relationship that I don't listen/pay attention when my partner flies off the handle like that.

I too was raised in an atmosphere of conflict so its very revolutionary for me to try to disengage and walk away.

That stuff sticks with me because every day all day I listen to how much my partner loves me, misses me, thinks he's a good fit for me, says he has a lot to offer me. All the while texts like that are playing in the background in my head.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I understand where you are coming from here. I intellectually understand that my wife will say and do all kinds of hateful things because she is expressing her internal feelings - they have nothing to do with me. When I am with my true self I can therefore listen to this kind of stuff and mostly reject it all as meaningless. Deep down, though, each one of these arrows still hits a sensitive spot and it still hurts. And every time it hurts I disengage a little more. Some of the really hurtful bits, like your husband's text, are very difficult to forget.

At some point the love and attention pieces of my wife's behavior become as meaningless as her hurtful behavior. When I spend most of my time filtering the hurtful parts out I end up filtering the loving parts out too, because I know more hurt is just around the corner.

All this leads to more disengagement so there is less hurt coming my way. After a while, though, there's not really much relationship left because of all the distance I have to keep.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Jong , it's actually my fiancé not my husband. He is still not divorced from his wife. Complications keep arising.

I think there is a balance between accepting abuse and being abusive. I am not responsible for what my partner says to me I am responsible for my reaction. I should not have to remove myself from a difficult person but all my relationships have been difficult so I don't know anything else. I believe personality disorders are heritable .

I did tell my first husband to leave however because he was financially irresponsible and Undependabie plus psychologically & emotionally abusive as well as an active alcoholic/addict. I divorced him.