How did you first meet

[Depression = 72% of members]

A lot of stories shared on these boards are very similar with many of the same dynamics at play.

I am curious how these relationships started. If there is something in us that causes the relationship to begin with.

My story is we met at a concert. She kept looking back at me.

Eventually she weaved her way back. At first I turned away from her which made her upset.

But she was very persistent (kept trying to hold my hand). And this included barging through other couples.

Mind you we were in our 30s at the time, but the whole thing seems very junior high looking back on it.

Eventually, I gave in. We started holding hands and we exchanged numbers (this with a complete stranger).

Strange was I wasn't even attracted to this person, I just let her in for some reason.

From there (subsequent days), it was a truckload of txt messages and dates and sex... .etc... .all very quick.

[tryingsome]

A lot of stories shared on these boards are very similar with many of the same dynamics at play.

I am curious how these relationships started. If there is something in us that causes the relationship to begin with.

My story is we met at a concert. She kept looking back at me.

Eventually she weaved her way back. At first I turned away from her which made her upset.

But she was very persistent (kept trying to hold my hand). And this included barging through other couples.

Mind you we were in our 30s at the time, but the whole thing seems very junior high looking back on it.

Eventually, I gave in. We started holding hands and we exchanged numbers (this with a complete stranger).

Strange was I wasn't even attracted to this person, I just let her in for some reason.

From there (subsequent days), it was a truckload of txt messages and dates and sex... .etc... .all very quick.

[steelwork]

We were taking a class together. There was a phone list, and he started calling me. I thought it was weird and kind of charming how friendly he was. He started praising my work in the class to an excessive degree, just acting like I was some kind of genius, which was of course flattering. And then he wanted my help with the class. Treated me like I was his mentor or something. I didn't assume he was attracted to me sexually because I never do. Once I caught him staring at me in class, with this look of sexual hunger, and I thought, "Oh, he must be thinking of someone else." Then he started gchatting me all the time. I'd be like, "Shouldn't you be working?" This took place over a few months' time. Then he declared himself, over chat. He liked to do all the heavy stuff remotely.

[Michelle27]

I met mine online only 6 months after leaving a physically abusive marriage.  I now know that I was clearly still damaged from that and should have taken more time to heal.  He laid it on thick by email until we decided to meet and he sent flowers to my work on the day we were meeting in person.  When we met, he was easy to talk to (can you say, "mirroring?" and we became a couple within a couple days.  I didn't know until months later that he had only been separated from his first wife for THREE WEEKS.  If I had known that early on, maybe it would have been a red flag but more than likely I was still damaged from my first marriage and would have stuck with him. 

[maddlove]

I met mine online only 6 months after leaving a physically abusive marriage.  I now know that I was clearly still damaged from that and should have taken more time to heal.  He laid it on thick by email until we decided to meet and he sent flowers to my work on the day we were meeting in person.  When we met, he was easy to talk to (can you say, "mirroring?" and we became a couple within a couple days.  I didn't know until months later that he had only been separated from his first wife for THREE WEEKS.  If I had known that early on, maybe it would have been a red flag but more than likely I was still damaged from my first marriage and would have stuck with him.  

Hey, are you in therapy? You might be a codependent.

My recent ex (just yesterday) had similar way of thinking, "Oh, that guy, that guy is the love of my life" a couple of weeks after breaking up she finds a new dude and go through the same crap, "Oh the new guy is actually the love of my life".

It can be very flattering for codependents, very alluring, "wow, she might really love me", "wow, I was never given this much attention", and before we know it we're going through the push pull, splitting and all the abusive behaviors.

EDIT: How we first met: Tinder. On our second date she saw I had another tinder message and gave me the silent treatment. In desperation to please her I deleted Tinder right in front of her. She never had a dude like me in her life, I was the guy who took her the farthest, who proposed, who lived with her for months, and who really tried to "fix" her (learned I can't fix anybody but my own self).

[neverloveagain]

Like two leaves that were blowing in the wind, in the same narrative for that moment.

[hurting300]

We met at Kroger in the candy section.

[troisette]

Interesting question tryingsome, it set me thinking, and then thinking some more.

I knew my exBPD by sight - was never attracted to him. Then spoke to him a couple of times, briefly, and found him slightly distant and guarded. Then went to an informal business meeting, he was there and hijacked it with his area of interest. I was irritated because it left no time for the stuff that I needed to address. Still no attraction.

Then... .went to a mutual friend's birthday dinner. He made lots of eye contact, asking to touch my hair, flirting. We met for coffee the following week and I was still not attracted although I was interested. It continued with dinner and so on and I was having fun. I recognise red flags in hindsight but initial feelings were of having great fun, something not enjoyed in childhood. Too late and I stepped into the honeytrap. Only much later did I understand that once the idealisation phase was over, life with him had several echoes of my childhood.

What interests me is that I didn't find him attractive until he started to pay me lots of attention, flirting and compliments. I was neglected as a child and was vulnerable to positive attention. But lots of people pay me compliments (no self-aggrandisement) - I'm not automatically attracted to them. So I think that, once I got to know him slightly better, I was unwittingly picking up his BPD (I am emotionally unavailable and problemed) vibe and he was picking up my co-dependent vibe, these, combined with the flattery were a toxic mix. Enmeshment followed, and here I am... .

[FannyB]

Met mine at work and was smitten from the off. 

Took me 6 months to ask her out - and in that she time did nothing to suggest there was anything up with her. She always looked immaculate and was a high-achiever in the Office.


Fanny

[.cup.car]

Teen/Adolescent Mental Health Ward of a large local hospital.

She threw a tantrum over something trivial and security had to escort her to the padded room. Our eyes met while they were walking her past the common area.

I'll never forget the goodbye hug she gave me on the day I was discharged. I just KNEW I'd see her again.

[once removed]

a female friend of mine had a new bff (my ex). id hear a lot about her, and saw her, and was incredibly drawn to her without even having met her. i felt i had to speak with her. speaking with her heightened the attraction. it was immediately apparent, though i already had been made aware, that she had unresolved issues from a previous relationship. that has been a recurring red flag in my choice of partners, one i was conscious of before i met her. we each played a lot of push/pull over it then things kinda fizzled out though we remained friends, in touch on and off. three years later the stars seemed to just align, i visited her, we were an item instantly, and the rest is history.