If fear of abandonment and being alone then why don't they come back

[Scopikaz]

If they fear abandonment so much. Being alone so much.  Then why when you try to assure or reassure them that you love them won't they come back?  Why then don't they say ok, let's give it another try.  It seems their painting black or shutting us out overrides or supersedes their fear of being alone or abandoned.

[tryingsome]

I think there are many things at work here; abandonment is a catch all.

First, I think they usually do try to come back in some way or another.

Though it could be a week, year or more.

Usually this passes after they return to baseline, no more shame in regards to you, and they need you.

If those three things haven't happened they will not give it another try.

But I also think it is kind of a math problem for them.

Once you prove that relationship=abandonment

No words/phrases will ever prove that relationship=love

It really boils down to black/white thinking. Once the black takes over the equation, it will always be part of the equation.

Even if you got back together... .it might look like this relationship=love+abandonment.


Yes, I am being a little analytically today.

Really, it comes down to them being an enigma.

[JRT]

Thanks for posting this... .I have often wondered about this... .I know that I meant the world to my ex, but one day after 2 years, I was painted black and she literally disappeared. That was close to a year and a half ago and I have still not heard from her... .incredible this disorder.

[Schermarhorn]

If they fear abandonment so much. Being alone so much.  Then why when you try to assure or reassure them that you love them won't they come back?  Why then don't they say ok, let's give it another try.  It seems their painting black or shutting us out overrides or supersedes their fear of being alone or abandoned.

They do, but there are other factors which come into play.

I will use my ex as an example. Days after we broke up (or could have even been before) she went into another relationship. Me and her were fighting, this new guy had no history of fighting with her, a clean slate. If you were paranoid about being left, any fighting at all will leave you on edge. She could try to make things work with me, while being terrified of being left, or go into a new relationship with no indications that he won't be "the one".

I was completely shut out, it was like I didn't exist to her during this time. She didn't want to think of me because I was the person that had the potential to leave her.

A month later the guy dumped her, and at that point I was still trying to get into contact with her. She then texted me, trying to shift the blame of the breakup on me, but also seeming warm enough to rekindle. I texted back and it was ignored. I noticed she started talking to a new guy and I believe she tried to get into a relationship with him that day.

After a week passes she texts me again, this time with an over the top apology. We then talked as friends with the possibility of becoming something more later. This took a 180 when she met someone new again. I was dropped instantly and that's the last I heard of her.



It's important to see that while from a completely selfish point of view, there is no reason to come back to us unless there is no one else around to provide their emotional needs. If no one is around at all, they will come back. But as long as they have alternatives, you do not exist in their minds.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Statistically speaking, many pwBPD have comorbid NPD.  If they suffered a narcissistic injury at your hands, they may not return.  My ex, for example, is very wary of me because now that I know what he really is, I am a liability.  He has very serious narcissistic tendencies and can recall (and desire revenge) on people who opened his narcissistic wound 20+ years ago.

[wanttoknowmore]

They come back in many cases but it depends on many factors:

(1) How bad was the fight at break up and how much the non insulted ,invalidated and yelled at her?

(2)What was the overall quality of honeymoon phase ( no conflict ,some conflict etc.)

(3)The type of individual pwBPD was... meaning did she have a pattern of going back to ex lovers or always finding new ones.

(4) How useful and helpful non was during relationship to help her survive and thrive in daily life.

My Ex called me after 2 years to  remind me that I once promised her that I will help her financially if she ever loses her job. I was in serious dilemma as I did promise her help for a few months if she loses her job. I decided to tell her that I will send her a check for 3 months but only on condition that she never want a relationship again and will not contact me.

She thanked me and said "I knew you were  the most loyal friend I ever had."  I have not heard from her for over 6 months now.

Our break up was not very unpleasant, she just went into abrupt silent mode and did not paint me super black. I did not mistreat her much as she was not angry type,just crying and getting silent type.

[MapleBob]

I think it's more complex than it at first seems. As much as they fear abandonment, they fear the fear of abandonment. They can't stick around just being afraid of being abandoned, and they can't calm that feeling around their non anymore. So they split.

[thisworld]

Because pwBPD are individuals with different choices and situations thrown on their way by life, just like the rest of us. Yes, their diagnosis gives us certain clues about what they may do under certain circumstances but this is more like a sign post for us. As there are many factors affecting a pwBPD's actions, one pattern may not always result in what we expect. In my ex boyfriend's case, I believe the fear mattered more than the actual abandonment and this caused him to sabotage our relationship (knowingly or unknowingly) in a lot of ways. And then there was a prevention mechanism: the two of us couldn't survive the already established coping strategies that were there to fend off that fear - always having a line of other people, potential new partners etc. Actions that were required to sustain that system did not go well with the agreed values of our relationship. Basically, he fears abandonment so much that he has to have a system that will allow him to survive if a break-up occurs. And his relationships usually end because of this system. Add to this his actions because of engulfment and some strong narcissistic tendencies, it becomes more complex than it seems. Plus, because this is an attachment disorder, the very situation of offering and expecting love triggers it. Otherwise, I guess most of us would be with our ex partners today.  

But the same question can be asked about Nons as well. If we want a reliable, sustainable source of love (as we usually claim we are ready to provide) what are we doing when we tie our expectations to individuals whose disorder probably prevents them from providing this for good? Why don't we look for more secure sources of love and affirmation for ourselves?

[gundam94]

But the same question can be asked about Nons as well. If we want a reliable, sustainable source of love (as we usually claim we are ready to provide) what are we doing when we tie our expectations to individuals whose disorder probably prevents them from providing this for good? Why don't we look for more secure sources of love and affirmation for ourselves?

Because the heart wants what the heart wants. I believe that sometimes we can't control who we fall in love with. Trust me if I could find a way to no longer love or care about my BPD ex I'd jump at it. All I want to do is forget about her.

[MapleBob]

But the same question can be asked about Nons as well. If we want a reliable, sustainable source of love (as we usually claim we are ready to provide) what are we doing when we tie our expectations to individuals whose disorder probably prevents them from providing this for good? Why don't we look for more secure sources of love and affirmation for ourselves?

I see what you're saying here, thisworld, but according to my experiences, BPD is a "bait and switch" disorder. pwBPD are highly skilled at making us nons think we've finally found a "reliable, stable source of love." Then once we're "locked in", so to speak, they get scared (engulfment fear, or whatever disordered issue they're having), and they run. And we chase, even if it's just to understand what in the world we did wrong. But by then they're a completely different person, with wildly different reactions to us, saying wildly different things than we've heard from them before. Most people in that situation aren't going to be satisfied in simply saying "well, that's that then, I guess."

[HarleypsychRN]

But the same question can be asked about Nons as well. If we want a reliable, sustainable source of love (as we usually claim we are ready to provide) what are we doing when we tie our expectations to individuals whose disorder probably prevents them from providing this for good? Why don't we look for more secure sources of love and affirmation for ourselves?

Because the heart wants what the heart wants. I believe that sometimes we can't control who we fall in love with. Trust me if I could find a way to no longer love or care about my BPD ex I'd jump at it. All I want to do is forget about her.

I hear you brother... .in the same boat here. Someone on the board refered to the yearning for them back as an addiction to a "bad drug" (good analogy). Unfortunately, I work at the same place as my BPD ex (thankfully not on the same floor) I go through a flood of emotions everytime I walk through the hospital. I want to see her but I pray to God I don't see her. You really do have to cut off all communication (it's so hard not to want to at least reach out and make some sense of what the heck happened... .what went wrong... .what did I do?) THAT is the most disturbing thing about the disorder. They tell you they love you one day then cut of all communication the next. It's beyond cruel... .but these individuals are truly dysfunctional. The question I have to answer as I begin my therapy is what role did/do I play in this. Why do I want someone so distructive when I know (in my head) that I deserve better.

[MapleBob]

Why do I want someone so distructive when I know (in my head) that I deserve better.

What I'm saying up thread is that you DON'T want someone so destructive, you want HER - specifically the first "her" that you met. That's completely understandable. You want the relationship "made whole" again, not the discarded, trashed relationship that you were left with through no fault of your own. People seem to understand "made whole" in a criminal sense of justice, but it doesn't ever seem to apply to relationships.

[sebastian.l]

well, my learnings tell me, what we really want back is 'unconditional' love! Like from a dog. For him and for our BPDex, we are the heroes - no questions asked. Our levels of self-esteem and endorphines shoot through the roof.

And a girl (and the dog) with BPD in her honeymoon phase is simply one of the very few creatures in the world who are able to give you that feeling.

... .until the day you get too close to her and you see her emotional ups and downs, pains, insecurity, always tired and she gets too vulnerable, hurt and not taken care of or brought down by you. Arena open for push/pull, shame, guilt, emotional punishment, betrayal, cheating and all the other weapons to create distance from you. Is it this we want back? No.

We don't want that person back - we want the unconditional love back - makes us feel again.

[thisworld]

Gundam94,

You are very right. The heart wants what the heart wants. And love is a feeling that comes so naturally to us. I did not ask my question as a rhetorical one trying to imply that we should not have anything to do with an emotionally unavailable person, either. That is for everyone to decide for themselves and some people can have satisfactory relationships with their partners with BPD. But when we question why pwBPD do not always choose something that seems rational and safe (for instance, when we ask why they don't stick with a partner who has a low chance of abandoning them), I think there is a similarity between us Nons and pwBPD, which you have put into words so well. The heart wants what the heart wants and we cannot control who we fall in love with. I believe this is as true for my ex as it is for me. Only, he experiences this on a more rapid scale that lacks sustainability - in comparison to me.

And yes, we question why pwbPD do or don't do certain things and their disorder gives us some sign posts. Understanding this empowers us as well. But I believe the answer about ourselves would equally contain patterns and sign posts, too. I think that's equally empowering. (At least we get to understand why we find ourselves in these relationships that we liken to addiction.)  

You are right MapleBob,

We go through something where we experience a 180 degree turn - which is so traumatic in itself. In my experience, the change started very quickly (I naturally distanced myself and did not chase, maybe that's about attachment styles). But I never ever, not once guessed it would come down to what I happened to read about myself in e-mails he sent to his ex girlfriend. Reading so much hate about myself was shocking. It was beyond my imagination. Actually, I think I lost it for a minute (or more) and believed that I was in the middle of a con, that this was a plot and these two people were actually partners in some crime against me. The first thing that came to my mind was "Am I living with a sociopath and is this woman his lover?" Apparently I was split black at one point and I had become his persecutor.    

But not everyone chases and there is that reality, too. I too don't think many would say "well, that's that then" after such intensity, but I guess there would be some people giving some other reactions. Not everyone gets addicted and chasing is not the only possible outcome. It is again something about us, isn't it? Maybe trauma bonding, maybe FOO, maybe false beliefs keeping us in it, maybe lack of acceptance. And then yes, there was something lovely and lovable in our partners. (I personally find my ex partner much more lovable when he isn't mirroring me. That and idolization make me uncomfortable.)  

I think every relationship is unique and we are, too. Sometimes the negative aspect manifests itself at a later stage of the relationship and how painful it must be for the Non, how heartbreaking really.

Hopefully, we will all thrive one day.

Best,      

[gundam94]

Thisworld: I like your answer. It has given me a great deal to think about.



As for the OP topic. It doesn't make sense to me. Once during the heat of an argument where she would say something absolutely terrible about me and I replied "if you really believe that, then I guess this relationship is over". That happened once and I never said it again because for one I didn't mean it and two it was a horrible thing to say. That was months before she ended it.

However when we would have serious fights and I would become very upset with her, I'd ask her not to talk to me. I needed space to. Ool off, not make things worse and to put the fight into perspective. Sometimes it lasted for a few hours and the longest was 4 days. Whenever we would start talking again she always said that she thought that was it. That she didn't know if we were still a couple. She thought I had left her. I would tell her that I would absolutely never leave her. That I couldn't imagine life without her... .things like tgat. I made it very clear that except for some extreme circumstances (I didn't come out and say "I'll leave you if you do x, y and z. Sometimes they would come up I'm conversation, now that I think about it... .it might have been her who started those) I would never leave her. That the only way our relationship would end is if she left me. To which she assured me she never would (unless I hit her or cheated on her. Which I would never do).

I was a week away from asking her to marry me when she dumped me. Then during the next 4 weeks I did absolutely everything I could to try and save my relationship. If that doesn't scream "I will never abandon you" I don't know what does.

Even while she's dumping me she was contradicting herself. Telling me she can't be in a relationship with me anymore because she's tired of the "emotional rollercoaster", that for the past few weeks all I've done is hurt her (which didn't make sense to me. I had been sick for those 3 weeks. During the second week I was so sick my mom had to take care of me. My fever was so high I didn't know where I was half the time. We hadn't been talking much because I was sick) and how she cries every night before she falls asleep because of me. But when I tell her that if she is breaking up with me, how I'd never see her again (for obvious reasons), she flips out. Telling me she still cares about me. How I'm her best friend. How she needs me in her life. How I promised that no matter what happened I'd always be there for her. She wanted to have her cake and eat it to. I refused, which turned me into the bad guy because that's not "normal" or "healthy" as she put it.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think it's more complex than it at first seems. As much as they fear abandonment, they fear the fear of abandonment. They can't stick around just being afraid of being abandoned, and they can't calm that feeling around their non anymore. So they split.

This, exactly this.  The relationship becomes a source of crippling anxiety.  The fact that you're not abandoning them is beside the point.  It feels IMMINENT.  

I have abandonment fears that are probably more like PTSD than BPD, and this is definitely true for me.  I can handle a certain amount of abandonment triggers and process them, but if I get barraged with them I will get overwhelmed and completely succumb to panic.  

You could be the nicest person in the world, and the reality might be the exact opposite of what your partner images, but it doesn't matter if the pwBPD is being perpetually reminded of a past trauma.  You don't know exactly what that trauma is, or what triggers it.

For example, one of the people in my past who abandoned me had a habit of planning trips or events with me and then backing out at the last minute.  As an adult, every time I book a trip with a friend or especially a romantic partner, I have anxiety in the last few hours leading up to the event because I anticipate being left behind again.  It's just something I have to push through when I'm in that kind of situation.  A person with a full-blown personality disorder could have hundreds of triggers and lack the self-awareness to manage the anxiety.  Therefore, the only thing that person can do is exit the situation.

Fear of abandonment, therefore, is not fear of being alone.  Fear of abandonment is anxiety about the actual trauma of being left by someone or having a repeat of trauma from earlier in life.  Being alone is generally a safe (though unpleasant) way to avoid this.

[anothercasualty]

But when I tell her that if she is breaking up with me, how I'd never see her again (for obvious reasons), she flips out. Telling me she still cares about me. How I'm her best friend. How she needs me in her life.

I had this part as well. She told me she could not be in relationship with me but could not just let me go. I kept thinking that meant that a relationship would happen down the line, but I don't think thats what she thought.

It boggled my mind to think she couldn't vocalize what she supposedly wanted. Now, knowing more about how BPD works, it makes more sense that she truly couldn't vocalize it because she didn't understand it. Her emotions were all over the map.

I still love her, but from miles away. I pray for her and hope for healing for her. Initially hoping that healing would come in due time to save "us", but now just hoping for healing for her so she can have peace.

[GreenEyedMonster]

It boggled my mind to think she couldn't vocalize what she supposedly wanted. Now, knowing more about how BPD works, it makes more sense that she truly couldn't vocalize it because she didn't understand it. Her emotions were all over the map.

She probably wants a relationship free of the potential for abandonment.  Since such a thing doesn't exist, one can't really ask for it.

Check out the "Unconditional Love" thread for a further discussion of this idea.

[kentavr3]

I also asked many times question: what I did wrong? Why she left me? I was so supportive, nice to her? Why? But... .Remember... BPD gives us a specter of feelings and even more intensive feelings that nobody could give us before and probably won't. We stack with this unhealthy intensive feelings for a long time. And that is because normal relationship isn't intensive. Remember also that only "caretakers" go deep to the relationship with BPD. That is why is so painful for us to get out. I also would wait for my exBPDw to come back. But I know also, she won't come back, because I won't call intensive feelings from her side anymore. yes, It is hard to accept. Time should pass. read books, understand yourself. Change yourself a little. Give a try to a new relationship. But , please, remember, don't go again to the new intensive circle. We are addicted to this.

[gundam94]

That's the thing I'm really having a hard time getting my head around. One of the things they fear the most is abandonment. Take what happened to me. My ex left a sure thing, I stayed this long and  I was never going to leave my ex. Anyways they are afraid of abandonment, so they bail on a sure thing for a brand new, unknown relationship. It makes absolutely no sense. They are giving themselves there own worst fear. It's like saying I don't want to be a drug addict, so I'm going to take a bunch of drugs

[thisworld]

As MapleBob put it so well above and GEM elaborated on, borderlines seem to be fearing the fear of abandonment more than the actual abandonment. If we trigger that fear, whether we will really (from our perspective) abandon them or not is irrelevant. Feelings equal facts. They are reacting to something that exists for them and doesn't exist for us. With so many cognitive distortions, this may be triggered by so many things that we cannot prevent it. Get ill, have a migraine attack or something like depression, the borderline may feel abandoned. Go to work, visit a relative in the hospital, laugh with your cousin on the phone, all may be triggers. My BPD ex had a cognitive problem some people with BPD have. He would attribute wrong meaning to my facial expressions always thinking they were more negative than my feelings. One slight expression of worry, a fleeting worry about my own work may trigger him. Simply love itself, offering love and intimacy triggers this actually. In all our loving condition, we contrarily start triggering them. The more we love the more this happens. Irrational? Yes, of course. Why would psychiatry classify a mechanism that responds to love with love in a supposedly loving consensual relationship (or whatever we Nons do in our everyday life) as a psychiatric disorder in Cluster B, next to NPD and antisocial personality disorder anyway?

In the case of BPD, love is need-based and that need, unfortunately, has very little to do with us. As PDQuick explains with the lawnmover metaphor in one of the workshops:

"To understand this behavior, you must first wrap your mind around the fact that everything is based soley on them, and their needs. They lack the forethought of seeing how their behavior affects us. They lack the compassion of caring about us, rather, they only care about themselves. It makes perfect sense if you look deep into their past, and see that noone ever cared for them in a possitive, nurturing environment. They have always had to fend for themselves, and as a child, that cant be done without using people. It is a pattern that resides with them through adulthood.

Think of them like a gardener, and us like a lawn mower, weedeater, rake, shovel, and sprayer. They need the grass cut, so they go to the lawn mower. Now when they got this lawn mower, they loved it because it cranked with the first pull, and it never gave a minutes trouble. They never take care of it, so it seems to be in disrepair."



If you are interested, you can access the rest here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.0

Lonely_Astro here once explained it with a see-saw metaphor as well. Between the fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment, pwBPD need to have two see-saws at all times (we are sitting only on one of them) to release the tension the disorder creates.

As for the drugs metaphor, I liken this situation to the way my ex abuses suboxone sometimes- the opiate based medication that stops physical withdrawal symptoms immediately. My ex doesn't like his addiction in some senses but not because he actually wants to live a completely different life with different things in it. He just doesn't want to experience the withdrawals etc. Now that there is suboxone (the rescuer) it becomes all the more reason to do heroin (as withdrawal is no more a problem). Do the drug, get the rescuer, you are good. This is called bridging. The only problem is that the government provides this with a pee test, so he puts this on a certain calendar.  The very existence of the rescuing stuff results in increased drug use.