Long road to acceptance of what is

[Huat]

Our daughter ran away 4 times.  The first time she was 13 and since then life has been a roller coaster.  She is now 50 and over the years she has had 3 husbands and 2 children (now 24 and 26) with different fathers.  Thankfully, she holds down a very good, well-paying job.  With that said, we have had to be surrogate parents to her children and we have opened up our wallet big-time a number of times to help her out (single parent... .custody battles).

When times are good with her, she is a caring, respectful daughter.  Then, out of the blue, there will be an outburst which takes us by surprise because we are feeling all is going well.  The last outburst happened 3 years ago and since then the rift has not healed.  We all live very close by and it is a small community so there have been times when our paths have crossed and she has turned away.  She has told me that she will never go into counseling again with me (her mother) but over the years she has been to a number of counselors herself or to accompany someone else (a husband or a child) because she felt THEY had a problem.  Indeed, in one of the last conversations we had when she was very tearful, she said, "I have been to counselors my whole life!" 

When she was in her teens, a counselor recommended that we write to each other.  So that process began and at times it was healing.  Her letters would start out hateful and go on for pages and pages.  At the end it was like she had worked out her frustrations and there would be a more loving ending... .sometimes.   I started to keep all her correspondence years ago and I have a boxful... .some so hateful... .then in between a lovely card telling us how much she loved us and this would never happen again.  Well... .it did... .and it did... .and it is!  Actually, keeping her correspondence have given me hope that the tide will turn again (hopefully).  Keeping them has given me validation of what has happened... .situation sounding so bizarre to others.

The hardest part has been her power with our grandchildren (now 24 and 26) and the way she has used them against us over the years.  Although we were their surrogate parents with no problems between them and us, doing as much as we could to make a normal life for them as all the drama happened around them with custody battles, etc., they pretty well cut themselves off from us when their mother went into this episode.  When asked, both of them have said that they don't want to be in the middle so they picked sides... .continue to break our hearts.

My mother walked out on the family when I was 15.  Needless to say, that has had an impact on my life.  A few years before she died, circumstances threw us together and in the end I was her sole caregiver and we were able to say, "I love you" to each other.  With all that said, when our daughter ran away, buttons I didn't know were there were pushed.  One important bookend-in-my-life had deserted me... .then the other.  I didn't have the tools to deal with that so I reacted badly and my daughter found the button.  The rest is history.

So now the tears haven't exactly dried up but they come infrequently.  I have worked hard to get to "acceptance" of what is... .IS.  I am confident in knowing I have done the best I could have done with her and I am confident in knowing that when I knew better I did better.  What a revelation it was when the first counselor years ago told me to read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"... .giving a probable name to her "malady"... .BPD.  Since then I have read more books on the subject and all the signs are there.

I have been monitoring this website for quite a while.  I have been reading posts from other mothers who have and are walking rocky roads with their daughters.  My husband never really was her target.  Indeed, she has tried hard to drive in a wedge... .and sometimes it has worked... .but we are still together after 55 years.  It has not been easy, though.  As he never really felt her venom, in any (reluctant on his part) conversations we would have about her, his recommendation was to just let it roll off my back.  Thankfully he has agreed a couple of times to go to a counselor with me and the counselor has helped to opened up his eyes... .somewhat.

So... .it is said that life is what you make of it... .a work in progress!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hello Haut, I'm glad you're here, and have made your first post.

I can hear the pain in your words, so I know that the wounds are still bleeding a little bit, and that's o.k. Feeling keeps us human, and helps us to keep our hearts open.

I'm sorry that your daughter has left things in such a bad way, and that your adult grand children have chosen sides. I'm sure that hurts in a whole new way.

I am wondering if maybe you could drop a little note in the mail to your daughter, just let her know that you are thinking of her, and wondering how she's doing. Tell her that you understand she's hurting, and that you're sorry she is. etc. end by leaving an open ended invitation to get together to talk, pick a neutral place, like a coffee shop. etc,

I hope it works out for you, no matter what you decide to do or not do, and I hope your heart begins to heal.

[Huat]

Thank you for your kind words, tristesse, and your suggestion.  Although the tool of writing did do some good over the years, unfortunately I had to bring all written correspondence to an end with my BPD daughter shortly after the last outburst.  With technology, the written letters went on to be e-mails... .the only way we were communicating... .and the contents from her were getting more and more caustic (abuse) until I drew a line in the sand and said I would open no more e-mails from her.  I said we had to speak with each other face-to-face.  My phone calls to her have gone unanswered.  Last summer something set her off and she sent a hand written letter.  Thinking this was possibly an offer of truce, I started to read it.  It wasn't!

In regards to our granddaughters, never in a million years would I have thought they would cut us out of their lives because of our constant-from-birth involvement with them... .never, ever harsh words.  When I mentioned this to a counselor during a visit, she said to remember that they were brought up under "an umbrella of mental illness"... .and advised us to keep the door open to them... .which we are.  Every few months I will get a cutsey text on my cell phone and I will respond... .and then all will come to an end.  The hand will come out and just as quickly be pulled back.  The thing is, both of these girls have different fathers and neither of them talk to their fathers nor to anyone in those families.  To top it off... .they don't really have a close relationship between them.  That speak volumes... .and helps to make us feel less isolated.

The counselor also told us that the verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse unless we took a stand and as we are in our mid-70's... .will get harder to protect ourselves.

So, at this point all is in our daughter's hands... .connection or no connection... .but any connection will have restrictions.  In a way the last 3 years have been fairly peaceful.  We are totally unaware of any drama that may be unfolding.

I will add that her present husband visits with us.  Their relationship has come close to ending.  Also, we will run into her second husband (smaller community we live in) and I will get big hugs from him.   

Wonderful to be able to put this all down in writing... .part of the healing.