BPD and how it effects my life

[nrobinson]

The love of life is i believe id BPD.

He thinks I left him but i did not, and the beginning , the rest is like a soap opera but i will start there.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Did you leave him, or did he leave you, and twist it around to blame you?

[nrobinson]

Nobody left anybody,  he was enraged over nonsense.

A little background to make it make sense. We had been married 26 years moved to Columbus , In for his job opportunity, came back to house in Illinois where our son a college student lived.  He has these little espiodes where he will scream empty threats like want a divorce etc. To push u away just to pull u back in, in fact he had a taken a new job and we planning to move home.  He uses cars like weapon and ran our son down with it I made the mistake of calling his parents  and them drama began. Normally our son and i handle. This ourselves but this was different, he was above and beyond how back he normally is instead of their help well I stop here.

[nrobinson]

... .his parents show up and by this time I and our son are at the neighbors ,his car his stuck  so they talk to him and then come to the neighbors to talk to me and I tell them don't unstick his car and his mom replies they have too. They do and then and talk to me again says he said he wants a divorce and we better be getting jobs.  His dad said that is the last of his problems there is something wrong with is head.

[nrobinson]

He speaks to me a few days later stating he had to get out of there as my son and I were beating him and we were ganging up on him,and I had turned his son against him?  His parents believe him and the start of drama begins.

[Turkish]

It sounds like his parents, dad at least,.know there is something serious going on with him, but then they draw back to enable?

How lng ago did the incident where he tried to run your son down in the car happen? Do you and your son feel safe?

[nrobinson]

April 20,2015.  I did not feel safe, but was numb to it all , my son and myself have played the game a long time and can watch the espiodes start ,this is the third time he has tryed to kill  (he yelled i am going to u to me amd our son pulled off of me as he was choking me )me or my son. He is dissociative when he does these thing.   . our elest son is autistic and lives in a group home, he has issues with abandonement as well , and seems to be an issue with my"husband" as well.

[nrobinson]

He thinks I attack him because I tryed to him committed and had him take to jail to get him help and all the physical abuse he does to me and our son (21)is us hurting him. Anybody experience any thing like this? His family enable him.

[Suzn]

Hello nrobinson

I'm sorry you have been going through all of this with your husband. We are concerned about your safety. It's good to have a plan in place if things get out of hand, do you have a safety plan?

You said you tried to have him committed, what happened with that?

Has he gone to jail for domestic violence? Have you considered talking with a domestic abuse counselor in your area?

[nrobinson]

 The earlier posts all speak of the violence but this is not the guy i married and it breaks my heart to know that he dislike me and the only way i get through it is knowing this is not the guy I married. Do any of you have this same type of feelings?






Back to my story , is family from what i figure out , say that the marriage was bad and that is why he is this way, he is an adult and you can make him get help, which is true but i have sat don and talked to if i did not file for divorce he would and they worked on him and got to him in an Altered state and condone his everything is my fault ,until he did what he was told.   I would would not shutup and to what i was told, and as much as they loved me , he is their child and he has to be protected.

[thisagain]

Many of us have had those feelings. After a while, many of us realized that the person we thought we were marrying never really existed. And we have to deal with the person who we are with today.

Do you have a plan for how to protect yourself if he becomes violent again? Is there anyone you can talk to about planning for your safety? If he becomes violent, you need a plan for somewhere you can go to stay safe, and how to support yourself. We can help you some, but a domestic violence counselor near where you live would be more helpful.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this! We're here to help.

[nrobinson]

I don't which hurts more the fact that he hates me or the fact his family that I was very close with through me under the bus, enable him and encouraging his thoughts and behaviors and as far as making we look mentally unstable and I was violent one. Their actions for a time made my son and myself be without food and heat,because they encourage the fact that it is his money ,we are not hungery now, however I did I derstand this is their child I say I would not enable ,but... .and to understand and have no hatered but it hard.

[nrobinson]

Do any of u have issues with BPD person in your life have a BAD memory so bad that it makes u look bad , strangers ,his family believe him but u know better and no one listens?  With me he says I steal HIS money I dont .etc

[thisagain]

Yes, it's common for people with BPD to make false accusations. And it's very frustrating for us. At worst it can be a form of emotional abuse, making you feel crazy because you know it didn't happen that way.

What is your relationship like now? When was the last time he was physically violent toward you or your son?

[Turkish]

Families that enable tend to be the rule, rather than the exception. My in-laws fell more towards the latter. However, my Ex is still their daughter and sister. More importantly, she is an adult, and can't be forced to do anything.

What's going on with your situation now?

[nrobinson]

I understand that adults can not be forced to do things, and nothing personal but that just makes anger., not for the reason you might think.

In my situation, when faced with the  knowledge and hearing the words divorce and actually seen an violent episode my in laws sat me down and said this is what you are going to do if you dont file he is going to you dont want 26 yrs of  bad marriage but it was not 26 years of a bad marriage and so things went as far as threatening me and covering things up and him not in reality and he thinks that my son i attack him and he dont know it hits and still can deal with it, they encouraged him , he dont even know that , I have a protection order against him he does not always now that. This people are not bad people and we were all close and that hurts as well and i will have to say this out loud for the first time it makes me anger that they decided that we should divorce , and if they can be that powerful and have much influence why can they not encourage help?

I had to be shut up !

[Turkish]

They can't be forced (in an ideal world), but an enmeshed child, still trying to please his parents, may follow their lead, never having developed an independent idenity of their own.

It could also be that they're invalidating the invalid: his outrageous behaviors. The three of them sound like a dysfunctional family system, and you're drawn into it.

[nrobinson]

He has 2 brothers and a sister the sister would talk to me for a while to pick my brain and for the lack of a better became two faced and actually tell me I need to be checked for a mental illness she in turn talk his mom to take me to court and get a protection order against me and his openly admitted to me she was doing that, at first I believe he was BIPOLAR and still think he is as well as BPD.

[nrobinson]

When this all occurred I did some questionable things like sending an email pretending to be my husband to his dad this was wrong and my only intend was to get his father to tell the truth , because of that act I have a two year protection order against me.  I live in a rural setting so unknowing I went to the local annual pancake and they were there and spoke to me my son  hi how are u doing  knowing that they already filed a protection order and got the sense that were doing it because my husband told him to. The following Monday a deputy came to my home and I was served. Went to the county circuit clerk and said they had contact and they said was okay because

we had not went to court yet the judge did not me speak, let me speak to her and I ask her to say she was sorry , no and that her son has a mental illness and she was lying the yelled if u follow her I have u arrested .  This is someone I thought of as a second mother and calling her a lyer made me anxious but that is what she is doing is lying to protect her son.


I have been told I bash the family, that I and our son made him mentally ill that the marriage made him mentally ill he just has anger issues, I cause them etc etc.

[nrobinson]

Technical questions

Do BPD person benefit from inpatient stays in a mental health behavior  center ,I also strongly believe he has other mental health issues ,I believe BIPOLAR.   

[thisagain]

Hi nrobinson,

It depends on the person. Most pwBPD won't go, or if forced (children etc), won't recognize the need to engage in treatment.

I think the more important thing for you is to work on accepting that you can't make him go to inpatient treatment. Even if you'd succeeded at having him committed, his stay would probably have been brief and he probably wouldn't have improved.

So I've gathered that you aren't living with him, and maybe haven't been for a while. What are your goals for the relationship now? Do you want to try to renew the relationship eventually, or do you want to detach from him and move on?

How many children do the two of you have, and how old are they? If any of them are under 18, how are you and your husband splitting up the parenting?

These answers will help us figure out which board would be the most helpful to you.

[nrobinson]

I want a relationship , the relationship was taken away by his family in a violent espiode.  We have 2 children one 21 that I live with and one 26 ,who lives in a group home because he is has autism. He does not live in reality !

[thisagain]

It's frustrating to feel like your relationship was taken away, whether by his family or by BPD.

How much longer will there be a restraining order? I'd encourage you to take the time to think about the problems in the past and whether there's anything you could do to improve the relationship. You can't force him into treatment, and the toxic influence of his family will always be there. Knowing that, what would a relationship look like?

[nrobinson]

 The relationship was taken away by his famiy and mental illness and it effects more then just me it effects my family  he as abandoned his children will never see  his youngest graduate college etc.  For better or worse and no made what I still always be in love with man and I remembered him and think if the situation was reversed would he do the same for me yes.  The protection order can be dropped at any time by me.

[thisagain]

Do you have a therapist or counselor who can support you through all this? Most of us on here have sought out therapy to help us cope with our relationships, because being in a relationship that involves BPD is hard. So is surviving and addressing domestic violence.

We're worried about your safety and it's hard for us to figure out whether there's any possibility of you safely renewing the relationship. It would be much easier for someone who could see you and talk to you in person. A therapist, or a counselor at a local domestic violence shelter, could be really helpful. They're used to helping women with mentally ill and formerly violent partners, and they shouldn't judge you for wanting the relationship to work out.

I thought he (or maybe someone in his family) had a protection order against you. At this point I hope you keep the protection order in place, because you need a lot more local in-person support before you can safely think about dropping it. Hang in there!

[nrobinson]

U are correct his mother and father do because he thinks my son and I gang up on him so they got a projection based on tall tales, his sister pressed his mother to do it and we'll u get the idea. This whole thing is stinks to high heaven.  They spoke to me and ask how I was after they filed the order.

.

[nrobinson]

The whole situation is bad.    I am not innocent as o send some email and put some things on Facebook I should not have. I call his mother a liar and said he was mentally ill.  I don't understand of we love him why could we just not work towards a common goal.

[thisagain]

It sounds like you were really suffering, and maybe even afraid for your life. It makes sense to get frustrated when you reach out to people for help and they don't help. Everybody gets frustrated and makes mistakes sometimes. That's okay. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Regardless of the mistakes you might have made, you still deserve safety and support. I know you can't get that from his family. Where can you turn to for support and help? Maybe your family or friends? Have you thought about seeing a therapist or counselor?

[nrobinson]

His family decided that the marriage was bad that he acts this way because of me, his environment is bad because of me and he just has anger issues because of me. I have a bad attitude , I steal and listen to everything he says and I have said he don't fact from fiction. I been made the heavy and made to look bad so he will look goodi have tryed to go to counseling but can not afford no  insurance, and although I have a job it only part time so little money, because it is his money and his career and I steal not really it is that fact and fiction thing again. He is being brainwashed and do

es not have any idea what is real.not now but for a period , I had little food and our son sold plasma for money . 

[livednlearned]

nrobinson,

It sounds like things became very toxic in the marriage, as well as between your son and his dad. There is a lot of conflict from what you describe, to the point of violence. It also sounds like your husband's family may have issues of their own, and they perhaps tried to cool things down by putting some distance between the two of you to try and stabilize things. Unfortunately, they felt the need to lay blame, and this probably feels very hurtful.

You still want to be with your husband, despite the violence and potential comorbid diagnoses (bipolar). You would like him to see your youngest son graduate from college.

Is the question whether to drop the protection order so that he can see your son graduate?

It can be difficult to problem solve when you're flooded with stress. Can you identify what it is you would like help with? Perhaps we can walk with you as you sort out what next steps to take.