The betrayal bond and being alone and ok

[unicorn2014]

I think I learned about that book from this board. I checked it out and I see that I've already worked my way through everything and am struggling with being alone and okay.

My relationship falls under several "don't" categories: my partner is going through a divorce and its long distance.

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I had the pleasure of talking to my dad this morning and trying to make plans for next week I noticed that he expects everything to go his way. This is one of the things one of my former therapists pointed out as being narcissistic. If things don't go his way then they don't go anyway. If you want to "do business" with him you either compromise or you don't get what you want.

My dad can also be very verbally abusive, not at me all the time, but when he's not putting me down, he's putting someone else down. That set me up for a lifetime of 'abusive' partners.

I'm currently struggling to get my current partner's voice out of my head. When he gets pissed off its your fault and if you don't change nothing's going to change.

So, what's the secret to being alone and okay?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Unicorn,

They say the most important relationship we have is with ourselves. When we’re alone we can work on that relationship. So Unicon  consider throwing yourself a party (but don’t invite your dad). Get your favourite food, movies, activities and just treat yourself, twice daily before meals. Then repeat and see if this helps. In the knowladge you don't have to compramise to please your Dad. Bet your Dad wouldn't approave of it - another good reason to do it.  Alternatively if you really want company, I’ll happily let you baby sit for me ?   

[unicorn2014]

Hi happy chappy, I live with my 16 year old and I'm in a LDR . The LDR isn't recommended for those in recovery.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Unicorn,

So reading some back posts, I understand you’ve been in this LDR for 4 years. And your friends have encouraged you to find someone closer to home. You also state you’re trying to get his voice out of your head, and suggest he ‘s not for changing, a bit like your dad.  So with all these concerns about the LDR, what are the positives about this LDR ? When you  ask how to be comfortable alone, is this linked to being enmeshed in past relationships ?

[unicorn2014]

My friends encourage me to find someone not going through a divorce.

Is having his voice in my head a sign of enmeshment?

Today it's not so bad, I'm more aware of my self.

My friends think I need someone to take me out to dinner, sleep with, take me places. That's not what I'm looking for.

[HappyChappy]

What are you looking for ?

[Moselle]

Firsrly I battle witb other peoples voices and influences in my head too :-). When someone does it. I now say "I'm getting a headache" and exit. I'm not really getting a headache but the FOG is setting in, and I developing  healthy allergy to FOG.:-)

I've realised the best way to remedy it is to get busy with me stuff. This can mean:

- Sitting quietly and identifying wbat I'm feeling and then sitting for half an hour observing my feelings and thoughts in a non judgemental way.

- Going to a movie

- Doing a creative activity. (I like writing)

- Losing myself in a project

He wont go out of your head on his own.  We need to replace that head space with something positive.  

[unicorn2014]

Thanks Moselle that's helpful. I just started hearing my mom in my head this morning, bragging about one of her jobs. Ugh