Testing?

[Confused108]

When I was involved with my ex she would say and this went on a few times that she wasn't "right" for me. I belonged back with my ex wife. Another time out of the blue she told me she wasn't "interested" anymore. Another time she told me she can't "do this"! This was some of the things I had to endure out of the blue with her when things were going so well a day before or hours ago. Now coming here and learning about BPD I now realize she was "testing " me. My ex was trying to see how commited I was to her. Even at the end after she discarded me she was still looking at my Facebook page after she ended things with me and I had already unfriended her on the site. I know this bc iver that weekend I tried getting back with her and she was "pissed" at some of the comments I had left on my page that she told me were no doubt directed at her. Now she just had discarded me so why be on my FB page and give 2 $hits that I was talking to my ex wife. She even said to me oh your obviously back with your wife when in fact I wasn't. So I feel even tho she discarded me at that time I feel it was just another one of her "tests" and this time it backfired on her. Anyone else want to share their "testing" stories about their ex?

[lala42]

Well, I think our whole relationship of 3 months was a testing. We were seeing each other almost every day for a month before that. He was texting me every day, we were holding hands and hugging, but he was never making a move. When I confronted him, he said that the break up with his ex was fresh, that he isn´t ready and that I should give him time. I said "ok". But he kept with the same behaviour. I finally told him he can´t play with me like that and that he should make up his mind. He then agreed to enter the relationship, but said that he is afraid that it woud harm us and that it would be difficult at first. I was always supposed to wait for something that never came and endure his bad behaviour. I didn´t even know what exactly was I waiting for, I mean, what is he going to be like after a certain amount of time or if I´m gonna like that guy at all. Really weird. When I said I wasnt happy, he was like "What did I tell you at the beginning, it is going to be difficult." He always threw that idea of "waiting for him" at me, as if that was some kind of proof to him that I cared. Whatever.

[Lonely_Astro]

Well, I think our whole relationship of 3 months was a testing. We were seeing each other almost every day for a month before that. He was texting me every day, we were holding hands and hugging, but he was never making a move. When I confronted him, he said that the break up with his ex was fresh, that he isn´t ready and that I should give him time. I said "ok". But he kept with the same behaviour. I finally told him he can´t play with me like that and that he should make up his mind. He then agreed to enter the relationship, but said that he is afraid that it woud harm us and that it would be difficult at first. I was always supposed to wait for something that never came and endure his bad behaviour. I didn´t even know what exactly was I waiting for, I mean, what is he going to be like after a certain amount of time or if I´m gonna like that guy at all. Really weird. When I said I wasnt happy, he was like "What did I tell you at the beginning, it is going to be difficult." He always threw that idea of "waiting for him" at me, as if that was some kind of proof to him that I cared. Whatever.

Ah, the classic "prove you love me" test.  (Hint: you can never do that)

I had to deal with a lot of double standards and 'tests' from J.  It was always something... .I didn't trust her enough, I didn't love her enough, I wasn't honest with her... .even when I always 'proved' otherwise, it didn't matter.

I'm also a fan of the "you're always testing me. Making me prove I'm sincere about us" line I would get from her. Yeah, I'm was the one testing her all the time 

[MapleBob]

Ah, the classic "prove you love me" test.  (Hint: you can never do that)

I had to deal with a lot of double standards and 'tests' from J.  It was always something... .I didn't trust her enough, I didn't love her enough, I wasn't honest with her... .even when I always 'proved' otherwise, it didn't matter.

I'm also a fan of the "you're always testing me. Making me prove I'm sincere about us" line I would get from her. Yeah, I'm was the one testing her all the time  

Yeah, I went through that too. In some ways it's natural to have doubts about a relationship, and it's even somewhat natural to keep an eye on the issue and watch out for the behaviors or situations or signs of the things that you worry about. I think everybody does that.

What is NOT natural (or fair, or equitable) is actively "testing", especially when the tests basically involve whether or not you can read their minds and intuit what they want you to do at a given moment. My uBPD ex didn't even have the guts to talk to me about her doubts or fears until it was wayyyyy too late - she just tested me, and then blamed me when I failed (ie. couldn't magically intuit her needs a few too many times).

If someone wants proof that you love them, pshhhh, that's a   .