Lost Dog Dilemma - Projection vs a New Crazy?

[martillo]

We had an incident last night w alcoholic high conflict H who was quite inebriated. 

3 things converged in a sort of perfect storm to provide max stress for H – 1.  H’s dog escaped the house and went on a several hour explore (lost and gone forever according to H – just like last time…lol) and 2.  H’s semi-estranged brother and H had a conflict over the care of their elderly parents (who live next door to us as of August, 2015) and 3.  H was quite inebriated. 

I was gone for a couple of hours; not home for the dog escape and or the H and LC brother conflict (which actually took place over text)…but I came home a little after 8p to DD-13, DS-15 and H searching for dog who I was told repeatedly “is gone…she’s just gone for good…I’m not going to blame anyone…” and “can we talk…we need to talk” which H always says when he is drinking and is seeking conflict.  I wasn't made aware of the text exchange w LC brother until this morning... .

Long story short…by the end of the evening H was screaming that I let his dog out, it was all my fault... .I hate his dog... .I am glad she is gone... .; H claiming he is going to take our 13 yo Cocker spaniel (who is quite attached to me) to the pound; H kicked the old dog, forced her outside twice.  Then he was screaming that I don’t do any thing for his parents or to help with his parents and that I am not to have anything to do with them any more or very specifically take his mom (who has dementia and is also high conflict) for an 8a Dr’s appt this morning; proceeded to call me horrible names in front of the kids and tell them how useless I am and that we aren’t going on a planned spring break trip.  All this really scared DD-13 (she has seen this behavior before, but it is scary to watch).  He was talking out loud to either himself or someone we couldn’t see (I don’t know – maybe having that “in your head conversation” but didn’t realize he was talking out loud).  The talking to himself really scared DD-13.

This morning, I got up; long lost dog was home and with H in our bedroom (I slept in another room last night) and H asked me if I had everything I needed for MIL’s appt this morning.  (?)  And I did take her to her appt.

H acted like absolutely nothing happened last night (I realize some of this could be blacking out from the ETOH).  His behavior was horrible to me and to our kids last night.  I was blamed, verbally abused, stalked, shoved, grabbed, locked out, and threatened.  Kids were verbally abused and saw the rest of the behavior.  H’s behavior continued to escalate until he pushed me to a point that I finally engaged in what I consider unacceptable behavior.    H then went to bed and left me alone (I guess I had finally accepted his emotional vomit).

I have talked to him about seeking counseling or meds (not sure about this due to his ETOH abuse) to deal w his anxiety and stress but he seems to think his level of anxiety is normal and I am the weirdo because I don’t worry and stress about everything.

My question:  H seems to be getting more and more paranoid but is this behavior projection or could something else be going on (i.e.-has the crazy stepped up to the next level)?

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[sweetheart]

Hi martillo,

It sounds to me like your h's alcohol issues are exacerbating all his other mental health  symptoms and behaviours,

- increased dysregulated behaviour

- poor concentration, STM retention and recall

- abusive disinhibited unreasonable responses

- chaotic, disordered thinking and so on. Everything that you have covered in your post in my experience can all be linked to a combination of alcohol and someone with a propensity for high conflict type behaviours. Any ability for reason and rational thinking would be seriously impeded by alcohol.

My advice would be in the abscence of your h seeking help for his alcohol and any related behavioural consequences, it is up to you to start looking at what boundaries and strategies need to be in place to better protect you and your children. I understand when things are escalating and full on crazy it is can be really hard no to react and argue.

Even though your children are teenagers I would develop some protective strategies that they can implement when you are not there. Help them understand how to look after themselves better. They were clearly and understandably upset by what occurred and it will be important to find ways to minimise their exposure to as much of their fathers dysregulated behaviours as possible. I realise of course you may already have all these things in place.

Are they or you linked into any support services set-up for families effected by alcohol? If not there are some excellent services around for families like this one www.nacoa.org

So in answer to your question, Has your h stepped up the crazy?

My answer is that if your husband continues to drink on top of a limited ability to cope plus additional indiscriminate stressors it will certainly increase the potential to feel like the crazy has been increased.

How do you and the children usually manage around your h's drinking and/or dysregulated behaviours?

What do the children understand about what is going on around them, how do they understand their father's emotional difficulties?

[sweetheart]

Hi martillo another resource for family support is this one www.al-anon.org and one of our own fantastic resources that I nearly forgot Lessons for members who are Parenting & Co-parenting with a pwBPD 

[martillo]

Thank you Sweetheart for your comments and suggestions.  Your description of the way alcohol heightens all the other manifestations of H's high conflict personality certainly makes sense.  I have been involved w Alanon since 2012 although it has been hit or miss attendance for the past 2.5 yrs.  The tools it provides are very helpful though.  I have read the lessons here and try to keep those in mind when dealing w H. 

All our kids were in counseling for several months a few years ago and it helped them to understand that H's issues are his own. 

I have called 911 on H on a few occassions and the kids know to call if necessary.  I normally don't hang around when he is like that but was 1. trying to help find the lost, black dog in the dark so he felt supported and 2. was tired and trying to get to bed at a reasonable hour since I had to pick up MIL at 7:30a for her 8a appt.

H never really "got better" when his parents relocated to their home state several years ago, but we didn't have that additional stressor.  Now that they are living next door and are fairly dependent on us and H's brother for daily assistance, H has additional "stuff" to aggravate him and need to be rid of.  I am that convenient and familiar dumping ground no matter how many tools I put in place.

I do very little "caretaking" anymore but I am probably still a pretty bad enabler because I have al ways been the financial manager in our relationship (and our joint business) and it is easier for me to either do things myself or find someone else to help. 

The "crazy" is increasing though so need to increase my "learning!"

[sweetheart]

It's really good to hear you have considered and explored all those supportive elements plus awareness of necessary boundaries.

Financial stuff is complex, I too manage all our affairs around money, but it is what it is. It's only an issue if it becomes one. If it works for your relationship then labels don't always help.

If you know where your weak spots are that in my experience helps too.

It certainly can't hurt to bump up the learning. Take care.