Didn't deal with emotions well at all AND he's suicidal...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi Again!

So as many of you know, I work with my ex. I thought things were getting better. Then yesterday near the end of the day he sent me an email with something work related and then said "Why do you hate me?".

I wrote back I don't hate you at all, why do you think that?

Then he left work without even acknowledging my email. I was BEYOND angry. I did NOT know what to do. Luckily I have deleted his phone number, but I emailed him and said nevermind, you didn't even care. Don't ask me that again.

So then he called me, I didn't answer or listen tot he VM, he called again. I didn't answer. I listened to the VM he left the first time and gave in and returned his call b/c he sounded so down.

Long story short: he's super depressed (which I knew) and suicidal (which I knew/suspected, but he seemed better). What I'm going over and over about is that he said "everyone" is moving on. I've already been struggling with wondering if he is trying to rekindle this with his wife who he is separated from, did she say no, so now is more trying to get me to feel sorry for him? Is he STILL trying to rekindle with her (I know their relationship was awful and he wouldn't be happy going back, but may need it just for stability... .). I try to tell myself to stop thinking about these things, they don't matter and if I were to ask I don't know he'd be telling the truth.

AND I'm struggling with feeling like I should do something b/c of the suicidal thoughts, he told his therapist, but I mean, like try and be nice and check in with him? But that only bites me back, b/c then he will do like yesterday and give me silent treatment out of nowhere even thought I've been trying to help, AND if he IS leaning on his "estranged wife" as well, that would make me pissed!

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And I'm just waiting for the guilt of how I didn't care yesterday when he called (I eventually told him I have like 500 questions, but don't want to know the answers so am going to get off the phone (In relation to her, but didn't tell him, but that was probably obvious).

I'm a bit of a mess in my head!

If I didn't work with him, this would be much more "simple"

[apepper21]

Hi Again!

So as many of you know, I work with my ex. I thought things were getting better. Then yesterday near the end of the day he sent me an email with something work related and then said "Why do you hate me?".

I wrote back I don't hate you at all, why do you think that?

Then he left work without even acknowledging my email. I was BEYOND angry. I did NOT know what to do. Luckily I have deleted his phone number, but I emailed him and said nevermind, you didn't even care. Don't ask me that again.

So then he called me, I didn't answer or listen tot he VM, he called again. I didn't answer. I listened to the VM he left the first time and gave in and returned his call b/c he sounded so down.

Long story short: he's super depressed (which I knew) and suicidal (which I knew/suspected, but he seemed better). What I'm going over and over about is that he said "everyone" is moving on. I've already been struggling with wondering if he is trying to rekindle this with his wife who he is separated from, did she say no, so now is more trying to get me to feel sorry for him? Is he STILL trying to rekindle with her (I know their relationship was awful and he wouldn't be happy going back, but may need it just for stability... .). I try to tell myself to stop thinking about these things, they don't matter and if I were to ask I don't know he'd be telling the truth.

AND I'm struggling with feeling like I should do something b/c of the suicidal thoughts, he told his therapist, but I mean, like try and be nice and check in with him? But that only bites me back, b/c then he will do like yesterday and give me silent treatment out of nowhere even thought I've been trying to help, AND if he IS leaning on his "estranged wife" as well, that would make me pissed!

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And I'm just waiting for the guilt of how I didn't care yesterday when he called (I eventually told him I have like 500 questions, but don't want to know the answers so am going to get off the phone (In relation to her, but didn't tell him, but that was probably obvious).

I'm a bit of a mess in my head!

If I didn't work with him, this would be much more "simple"

[C.Stein]

He wants validation, someone to fill the void inside him because he can't fill it himself.  His flying monkeys are not yours to tame.  The thing about suicide ideation is sometimes it is used as a means to manipulate another person.  My ex did it to me.  If you think he is a serious suicide risk then maybe you should contact someone that can help him.

[apepper21]

He wants validation, someone to fill the void inside him because he can't fill it himself.  His flying monkeys are not yours to tame.  The thing about suicide ideation is sometimes it is used as a means to manipulate another person.  My ex did it to me.  If you think he is a serious suicide risk then maybe you should contact someone that can help him.

Thank you, he may be feeling that way, but I don't think I need to tell anyone, his therapist knows.

What about the ruminations about if he has been or is trying to get back with his wife he separated from? I'm feeling incredibly sad and tossed aside, I don't even know if he is trying to... .I hate today.

[C.Stein]

I has nothing to do with you, he is just desperately trying to find a source of validation.  I completely understand the feeling of being rejected/replaced ... .it is demoralizing and it hurts ... .it REALLY HURTS.  Remember though, this is not about you, it is about him trying to fill that void anyway he can.  Stay strong and take some measure of comfort knowing his focus is shifting away from you.

[thisworld]

Apepper21 hi,

It seems that there is something in your workplace communication that pulls you into the emotional space of the disorder. You seem to respond to his emotional needs ("Why do you hate me?" with answers that may further this kind of communication ("Why do you think that?". Then he ignores you and this seems to trigger you. (I feel for you. My ex does it in every opportunity. Basically, he contacts me with a very down mood, and the moment he gets some validation, he just disappears! He also disappears when the attention is shifted from him on to some other topic.) But contacting him afterward probably means that you have an expectation from him (respect, recognition, appreciation?). What is it that makes you angry and how do you think you could protect yourself from that negative feeling?

As for suicide ideation. I'm very sorry that you are experiencing this. Many of us have found ourselves in that situation, like C.Stein above and myself here. As every relationship is unique, probably we all responded in our unique ways. In my ex's case, I always take this very seriously because he is an active addict which shortens the spiral from feeling bad to overdosing. However, this doesn't mean that he doesn't bring up suicide ideation as a topic to receive an emotional response from me. I had to find my own balance between responding correctly if I chose to respond and establishing my boundaries afterward.  

bpdfamily tools in this workshop are very helpful in both regard.

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Information on the first page puts suicide ideation in perspective, while information on the second page reminds us that "not all suicidal ideation is equal and we need to make some judgments.  We often know the person intimately and while we what to be very conservative, we can't pretend that all suicidal ideation should be treated with a one size fits all response. We won't follow that when the time comes - so its better to think practically - know how to triage... .I would never ignore, taunt a personal, or do anything to increase the crisis. This may mean getting manipulated a bit in the moment, but when the crisis clears, you lay the ground rules for handling the next crisis."

It's very good that your ex informed his therapist and he is feeling better now. When you think for yourself, what would you like your role or boundary be in this? What could be the ground rules you could lay?

Stay strong!

[apepper21]

I has nothing to do with you, he is just desperately trying to find a source of validation.  I completely understand the feeling of being rejected/replaced ... .it is demoralizing and it hurts ... .it REALLY HURTS.  Remember though, this is not about you, it is about him trying to fill that void anyway he can.  Stay strong and take some measure of comfort knowing his focus is shifting away from you.

Thank you! If in fact it is shifting off of me, I don't actually know. He could be saying elusive things just to get me agitated. Either way, you are right it's NOT about ME. Thank you for relating to how much it F***ing HURTS! Soo helpful to know I'm not alone (not that I'm happy you experience the same thing)... .

My friend texted me: "Not worth dwelling on it. You're an new person now. Grow into those new shoes. Relax a bit. Go treat yourself. You're worth it. No need to fret over what's been done."

and another friend texted me: "But try not to think about what he may or may not be doing. Doesn't matter now. You don't want that in your life. Let him do whatever the hell it is that makes him happy. If that's her, go ahead. Not your problem. And it has nothing to do with what u and he did, or didn't, have. That's in the past. Be done with it and look ahead to better times."

My guess is this applies to you as well, so helpful to get all this support from you as well as them, and they don't even know what it's like with a BPD, just a bit from what I've shared with them.

[C.Stein]

My friend texted me: "Not worth dwelling on it. You're an new person now. Grow into those new shoes. Relax a bit. Go treat yourself. You're worth it. No need to fret over what's been done."

and another friend texted me: "But try not to think about what he may or may not be doing. Doesn't matter now. You don't want that in your life. Let him do whatever the hell it is that makes him happy. If that's her, go ahead. Not your problem. And it has nothing to do with what u and he did, or didn't, have. That's in the past. Be done with it and look ahead to better times."

While this is all true, one thing they can never and will never understand unless they are standing in our shoes is how profoundly and deeply hurt and damaged we are after being in a relationship with a pwBPD.  It has brought me to my knees in nearly every aspect of my life.  My ex was always concerned about "being the first" with me, well now she is not only the first to utterly destroy me but will wear the crown for all time.

[apepper21]

Apepper21 hi,

It seems that there is something in your workplace communication that pulls you into the emotional space of the disorder. You seem to respond to his emotional needs ("Why do you hate me?" with answers that may further this kind of communication ("Why do you think that?". Then he ignores you and this seems to trigger you. (I feel for you. My ex does it in every opportunity. Basically, he contacts me with a very down mood, and the moment he gets some validation, he just disappears! He also disappears when the attention is shifted from him on to some other topic.) But contacting him afterward probably means that you have an expectation from him (respect, recognition, appreciation?). What is it that makes you angry and how do you think you could protect yourself from that negative feeling?

As for suicide ideation. I'm very sorry that you are experiencing this. Many of us have found ourselves in that situation, like C.Stein above and myself here. As every relationship is unique, probably we all responded in our unique ways. In my ex's case, I always take this very seriously because he is an active addict which shortens the spiral from feeling bad to overdosing. However, this doesn't mean that he doesn't bring up suicide ideation as a topic to receive an emotional response from me. I had to find my own balance between responding correctly if I chose to respond and establishing my boundaries afterward.  

bpdfamily tools in this workshop are very helpful in both regard.

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Information on the first page puts suicide ideation in perspective, while information on the second page reminds us that "not all suicidal ideation is equal and we need to make some judgments.  We often know the person intimately and while we what to be very conservative, we can't pretend that all suicidal ideation should be treated with a one size fits all response. We won't follow that when the time comes - so its better to think practically - know how to triage... .I would never ignore, taunt a personal, or do anything to increase the crisis. This may mean getting manipulated a bit in the moment, but when the crisis clears, you lay the ground rules for handling the next crisis."

It's very good that your ex informed his therapist and he is feeling better now. When you think for yourself, what would you like your role or boundary be in this? What could be the ground rules you could lay?

Stay strong!

Wow! You give me a lot to think about here, VERY good stuff. I don't have time to respond right now, but wanted to say thank you for all you wrote! I know it will be helpful!

[apepper21]

My friend texted me: "Not worth dwelling on it. You're an new person now. Grow into those new shoes. Relax a bit. Go treat yourself. You're worth it. No need to fret over what's been done."

and another friend texted me: "But try not to think about what he may or may not be doing. Doesn't matter now. You don't want that in your life. Let him do whatever the hell it is that makes him happy. If that's her, go ahead. Not your problem. And it has nothing to do with what u and he did, or didn't, have. That's in the past. Be done with it and look ahead to better times."

While this is all true, one thing they can never and will never understand unless they are standing in our shoes is how profoundly and deeply hurt and damaged we are after being in a relationship with a pwBPD.  It has brought me to my knees in nearly every aspect of my life.  My ex was always concerned about "being the first" with me, well now she is not only the first to utterly destroy me but will wear the crown for all time.

Yes, you are correct. While I try to take comfort from what they say, you are totally right that they don't get the depth of the hurt, or the obsession, or draw to them. The sadness, anger, wanting explanations, injustice. But yeah, the HURT along with the anger, they don't get. I am barely able to even think about the anger myself, which is making me angry in itself!