New Member

[showens]

I am a 39 year old woman who has struggled with my relationship with my mother my entire life. I have always been fearful of her, left feeling guilty and always felt like I am walking on eggshells around her. I have had her in and out of my life since I officially left home at the age of 17 (the first time I left home was 14). I recently reconnected with her a year ago, and when I recently became ill she flew to me and stayed 3 weeks. It was the first time in my life that I felt that I had a mother that cared and wanted to be there for me.

The visit quickly took a turn for the worse, and it became a nightmare. I don't know how to stand up for myself, to ask her to stop, to not drink, to stop with the hurtful comments and I just stood there and took it. I felt uncomfortable in my own home, worried how this visit was affecting my son; when I vowed to never let him ever ever be a part of it, to see it and experience the trauma of what I did when I was a child. I am 39 and I felt like a helpless child in my own home. While my husband encouraged me not to take it, to stand up and stop it and all I could say what I can't, it doesn't work that way. He just didn't understand and I pleaded with him to trust me, I knew better. This was the first time my husband has had to really deal with my mother in our 16 years of marriage, because I stayed far far away.

After this visit, I feel traumatized all over again, I see things in myself I haven't seen before and worry it is caused by my relationship with her, I am not my authentic self and I feel beaten up and bruised and hurt all over again. The nightmares I struggle with when I was younger and in my 20's are quickly back. I am questioning everything about myself and feel so hurt all over again. I should have known better, I should have know nothing will ever change, she isn't capable of being the mother I dreamed of.

Why did I do this to myself. Who am I? Why can't I be my authentic self, she is buried so deep in this chaos of pain and hurt. I need help. I can't live the rest of my life passifying people and harming myself. I always thought I was just a nice person and I am realizing I was trained to be something that is harmful and even though I am nice I have traits that are conditioned in me because of my upbringing. I need help, to process through this, to be with others that understand what it is like, to bring the life of me back. Right now, I feel I am drowning in a sea of flashbacks, past hurts and pain and I just can't do this again alone, I need significant change. I want to run away from how I am feeling, but I am mature and knowledgeable enough to know I need to feel it and work through it this time.

I need help.

[Turkish]

Finding an "authentic self" as you say, is what many children of BPD parents struggle with, having grown up enmeshed with the PD'd parent, having forced to feel, responsible for their feelings at the espense of our own, even our identities. There is a term that may describe this: emotional incest (see here for more). Does this feel familiar for you?

The flashbacks must be hard. You left early. I left on my 18th birthday and remained low contact for very 20 years. What boundaries are you struggling most with right now?

Turkish

[Alastor]

I'm sorry you are going through that. Unfortunately BPDs often take advantage of us during our weakest moments, swooping in with "support" only to later turn against us or hold it over our heads. The problem is that we can't be our "authentic self" because a BPD parent has so successfully forced us to question ourselves our entire lives. My own BPDmother would often tell me "I know the real you, you can't fool me", as if I was a bad person who was somehow tricking all my friends and lovely wife. Don't let it fool you.

Your mother has a mental illness that shades her view of you and the world. Always keep this in mind and take every accusation, every put down for what it is: nonsense from a delusional, sick person.

It may not be a bad thing that your husband has experienced your mother's behavior. My own wife experienced my BPDmother's bizarre rage first-hand a few years ago for the first time and left feeling perplexed and astonished (before it was just stories since we were mostly NC). She now gives me a level of sympathy that we didn't share before.

So while sympathy is a starting point, I agree that advice from "outsiders" (people who haven't dealt with a BPD) can be frustratingly unhelpful. I think we've all gotten advice like "just discuss it with her" and "don't worry, she just had a bad day so let it slide". I do think your husband has a point - don't take it - but of course it gets complicated from there on. In my own case, unfortunately I've just cut contact because the attacks (sometimes legal) against me and my family reached the point where it was getting dangerous.

Take care of yourself first, your son, and your husband first.