What to do - NC

[Mels]

I couldn't relate to others writing about detachment until my ex asked me for space . I don't call him, I don't text him. I generally avoid him like the plague in social situations. I've replied to maybe 6-7 texts in the last 3 months. When I called him out for cancelling the dinner HE suggested, I was told that in order for HIM to move on, he needs distance. In order for him to heal he needs not to be reminded of us and our 8 year relationship. I was floored. Not because of the content of his nonsense but because he genuinely believes that he's the victim here. He wanted this. He got want he wanted and now he needs to 'heal'. Wousaaaaaa.

Yes, they need to interpret the "victim" role, otherwise they would have to face their mistakes; this, in turn, would induce loads of shame, and we know that cluster Bs don't cope well with the shame (well, apart from sociopaths, since they simply don't care at all... .).

Something similar happened to me 3 days ago:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293643.0

They cannot face their mistakes, and when it seems they are going to do that, that's going to last for a few hours/days; massive psychological defence mechanisms come into play, and they revert back to the victim role: it must be all OUR fault.

Instead, they prefer to do the blameshifting thing and pretend to be the victims, and they really believe this crap. It is SO mind-boggling that it seems they live on a different universe!  

I read your thread. I sympathize and understand very much. It's unbelievable, really.  They have their own version of events, their own lines, their own theories. It's better than a Telenovela.

[Mels]

Ugh. I'm sorry.

Thank you. It's ok. It cemented that he continues to think about himself. As hard as this is, it's an important realization. He doesn't deserve my time or friendship. I attempted despite the fact that he emotionally shattered me... .I attempted to be a mature adult and have a cordial relationship with him after a decade together. We are not on the same wave length. He doesn't grasp the severity of pain, and he probably never will. Sure things come up, but doing this last minute when you've been working on the same project for months just proves to me that you only value your time. It's disrespectful, but that's him.

I can't tell you what to do above and beyond this situation, but did you consider that he actually got pulled away?  In my marriage I've had my boss tell me fifteen minutes before I was leaving that he needed me to finish a project, and given the high-powered, high-stress nature of my job I've had to call and ask my wife to reschedule.  It happens.  In my case, though, I'd make it up to her in spades or we'd still go out later or she'd swing by the office and be my companion, etc.  YMMV.

Of course I did. But that simply has never been the case with him. He works from home and has been working on this one project for the last 4 months (longer than we've been separated). He is a master procrastinator. The best way to describe him is as someone who is exceptionally talented in his field with an attention span of a toddler. If he tells you that something will get done on Monday, don't count on it. It never will. This applies to everything in his life, not just work. He's unreliable. His cancellation wasn't a surprise, it was the fact that he waiting until the very last minute to tell me something that I knew was going to happen.

[Icanteven]

Of course I did. But that simply has never been the case with him. He works from home and has been working on this one project for the last 4 months (longer than we've been separated). He is a master procrastinator. The best way to describe him is as someone who is exceptionally talented in his field with an attention span of a toddler. If he tells you that something will get done on Monday, don't count on it. It never will. This applies to everything in his life, not just work. He's unreliable. His cancellation wasn't a surprise, it was the fact that he waiting until the very last minute to tell me something that I knew was going to happen.

That I can 100% relate to; I can't tell you how many times my wife has put something off, almost as a way of creating unnecessary drama.  Maybe not even almost.  There have been huge life events that she punted on that I had to ride to the rescue or all hell would have broken loose.  Says a lot about me maybe that I let her do it, but I had plenty of excuses for her, the most obvious one being that she is mentally ill and has difficulty with her executive function as part and parcel of the disease. 

Also, attention span of a toddler?  I'd take that some days. Although, even that is selective:  something she really wants to do?  We're good.  Something that she is a little undecided about?  If it takes more than thirty minutes it's off to The Onion for an hour.  Something she doesn't want to pay attention to?  Save your time, breath, and energy.

I think for us as partners - and I'm not trying to be presumptuous, but I see this a lot on the boards - we wind up asking ourselves, why the hell am I in this relationship with this person who is so lousy to me?  For me, it's the fact that we're family.  But, if we weren't, I would have hit the door years ago.  Our partners are awful to us yet we keep coming back, for the sex or the memory of what we once had or our compulsion to fix or whatever.  For me, it's near time to say that if wifey doesn't want to be part of the family any more I can't make her and protect our children as best I can. But, that's the only reason for me.  There are literally dozens of reasons to walk and only one not to:  Family is family. 

[Mels]

That I can 100% relate to; I can't tell you how many times my wife has put something off, almost as a way of creating unnecessary drama.  Maybe not even almost.  There have been huge life events that she punted on that I had to ride to the rescue or all hell would have broken loose.  Says a lot about me maybe that I let her do it, but I had plenty of excuses for her, the most obvious one being that she is mentally ill and has difficulty with her executive function as part and parcel of the disease. 

Also, attention span of a toddler?  I'd take that some days. Although, even that is selective:  something she really wants to do?  We're good.  Something that she is a little undecided about?  If it takes more than thirty minutes it's off to The Onion for an hour.  Something she doesn't want to pay attention to?  Save your time, breath, and energy.

I think for us as partners - and I'm not trying to be presumptuous, but I see this a lot on the boards - we wind up asking ourselves, why the hell am I in this relationship with this person who is so lousy to me?  For me, it's the fact that we're family.  But, if we weren't, I would have hit the door years ago.  Our partners are awful to us yet we keep coming back, for the sex or the memory of what we once had or our compulsion to fix or whatever.  For me, it's near time to say that if wifey doesn't want to be part of the family any more I can't make her and protect our children as best I can. But, that's the only reason for me.  There are literally dozens of reasons to walk and only one not to:  Family is family. 

Oh this hits way too  close to home. My husband threatened to leave every single time something stressful occurred. The man simply cannot deal with life. He deals with life the way an 8 year old kid deals with life. His childhood drama is the reason why  he copes (or doesn't cope) with life and relationships the way he does. I tried for 5 years to make something work that he clearly wasn't ready for. For 5 years he constantly threatened to leave, and when I finally said ... ."Ok, leave. You have two weeks." he was stumped. That same hour he asked me if I wanted to go out on a  date with him despite insisting that he still wanted to leave.  I'm surprised that I haven't gone crazy. Maybe I have and don't know it yet.

We have been separated for 3 months now and he has done everything but work on himself. I justified so much bs... .SO MUCH BS for years because I thought he was my ideal, my everything. My everything wouldn't act this way, he wouldn't treat me this way... .so I kept on justifying and justifying.

We didn't have kids because I decided that I did not want to have children with him. One would think that would be the final straw because I want to have children some day.  I stayed because I had hoped that something would change. Of course, it never did. I understand when you say you stay because family is everything. We were a family of two, three if you count our dog. That was my priority. He was and still remains his #1 priority.