How do you move forward?

[confusedandangry]

I am just over a week from the break up, her leaving me... .I would have stayed because I believed things would get better.  I can't eat, sleep or function... .all I do is obsess over why and what happened.  How she could be with someone the next day and if I even mattered.  Why is this so hard? 

[steelwork]

I am just over a week from the break up, her leaving me... .I would have stayed because I believed things would get better.  I can't eat, sleep or function... .all I do is obsess over why and what happened.  How she could be with someone the next day and if I even mattered.  Why is this so hard? 

I'm so sorry. You're in a raw, brutal stage of recovery. Yes, recovery. It WILL get better, I promise. Others will have good practical advice. I'll start:

Nibble on food that nauseates you least. Get protein, even if it's just a handful of almonds. Take it like medicine.

Sit in the sun.

Make a list of the things that minimally must be done--like send rent check. Be proud of each little task you accomplish.

Focus on days, not weeks or months.

Be with people, even if that just means sitting next to a friend watching TV.

[steelwork]

As to why it's so hard, this article might help you understand why this breakup is especially painful:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

[SWLSR]

Oh gosh my friend I do remember being there, where you are now, and it is a dark place.  I doubt you are ever going to understand why, I never did, because they are not normal people.  The pain I went through was the worst I ever felt, you maybe feeling that.  When I was younger I injured my knee if took alot of time and therapy to make it better, and even  now on cold days I still feel that injury.  This is what you have suffered to your soul.  And it is going to take time and effort and support.  But one day life will be better.

[steelwork]

Meanwhile--would you like to tell more of your story? That seems to help. People in your life may not totally get how bad this is, but we do.

[balletomane]

The pain I went through was the worst I ever felt, you maybe feeling that.  When I was younger I injured my knee if took alot of time and therapy to make it better, and even  now on cold days I still feel that injury.  This is what you have suffered to your soul.  And it is going to take time and effort and support.  But one day life will be better.

I second that.

It's not quite ten months since my breakup and almost exactly eight months since I went no contact. I remember how it felt at the beginning. Steelwork is correct - 'raw' and 'brutal' are exactly the right words. I couldn't eat and lost a lot of weight, becoming unhealthily thin. I felt as though there was a crushing leaden weight on my back all the time. I was constantly on the edge of crying. Sometimes, usually at night, there would be painful fits of tears; at other times they would just start silently dripping from my eyes as I was going about my day. It hurt. My ex dropped me because he'd found someone else, and that made me ask what you're asking, if I'd mattered.

What helped me to move on was this:

1.) Accepting that it would take time, praising myself for small achievements, not pushing myself too hard, and being gentle with myself.

2.) Keeping myself busy. It's very tempting to isolate yourself when you're in this frame of mind. I love walking and during the hard time I walked a lot. The fresh air helped.

3.) Reconnecting with other friends and arranging social activities even when I didn't feel like it. I almost always felt better once I was there.

4.) Finding something to focus on. I was lucky that I had PhD research to do, and I didn't want his behaviour to ruin my academic career. It was very hard, but having that project gave me some relief from the painful thoughts. They were there even when I was working, but not consuming me in the same way. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try? A project you want to do? Now could be the time.

5.) And again... .accepting that it takes time, and being positive about every little step you take.

[HarleypsychRN]

I know you are in pain.

You put one foot in front of the other and try to get through the day the best way possible. You DON'T beat yourself up that it was something YOU did or didn't do... .BPD partners frequently have their next victim picked out (or have been cultivating the next relationship) when they were with you.

You try to surround yourself with support and engulf yourself in hobbies and constructive interests (for me it's learning EVERYTHING I can about BPD, among other things so I can see the pathology and stop blaming myself). You can get into therapy or join a therapy group (in addition to here of course).

I know you are in pain because after 5 weeks I am still in pain... .some days are good some days are not so good but the more I realize that she was toxic, the easier it is for me to accept that there is a life waiting for me.

[confusedandangry]

Thank you so much... .my family and friends have no clue the pain I am in... .they are in the mindframe of move on, you are better off without her... .I knew or thought I knew a sincere, wonderful person, who I trusted with all of my heart.  I fell into some depression back in Sept when I had recollection of being molested as a child... .I am and have been seeking counseling for this... After I needed to give myself some focus and self love, she couldn't handle it... .she started saying she was unhappy... .I would then give in and focus on her because she would suffer a bipolar episode or headache or something would be wrong with her ... .as long as she was my WHOLE focus, we were fine, but if I needed to focus on myself she would again get unhappy... .she went from within 2.5 hours of saying she wanted to spend her life with me, to she is moving out and the next day she was with someone else... .the new person is a known cheater, so I know karma is just around the corner, but that doesn't help why I feel like she is someone I need... .I know our relationship was and is toxic after reading everything I can on here and everywhere else I can... .but the heart wants what the heart wants... .I shouldn't be surprised, she walked off and left her children with their father and has walked off from everything her whole life, but she made me feel so different... I have PTSD and the trauma I am going thru is worse than the trauma from that... .as far as hobbies... .I am a professional photographer or use to be... she somehow has gotten me to the point where I had not taken a picture in over a year and a half... .I have no desire to take them... .I only want to sit in my home with my dogs because I know they are safe... .

[stimpy]

I am so sorry to hear this has just happened. It reminds me so much of my discard, and I feel for you. Things do get better, you will get better, it will just take time. For me, I spent a long time learning about BPD, researching, ruminating and thinking about what happened and why. Slowly and gradually, with the help of friends and a therapist, I processed the pain and have gradually come back to myself. It takes time and give yourself time, there is no timetable... .

In the first days after my discard, I found it hard to eat, for some reason French bread and cheese worked for me, odd but true LOL!

Sleeping was hard at first, but I saw my doc and got some sleeping tablets as a temporary solution. Now don't need them and I sleep fine :-)

Then I just took my time over things and wrote down my feelings and thoughts on what happened and that helped to process the emotions.

Good luck my friend, you will get over this.

[Sluggo]

as long as she was my WHOLE focus, we were fine, but if I needed to focus on myself she would again get unhappy...

That is exactly right.  It is probably your natural tendency to be caring to someone.  But after a while you lose yourself and I became resentful of the little things I gave up to be her whole focus.  It was if LOVE was a 0 sum game.  That is if I gave love to my sister then that meant to her it was less love she would receive.  However, love multiplies when given it does not subtract. 

[confusedandangry]

I did lose myself... .I lost a lot of everything by making sure she knew she was loved.  I use to do photography, now I dont... .I use to go to church on a more regular basis, she regulated that... .I use to eat healthy, I gained 50 lbs with her... .I did all the cooking and cleaning, paid all of the household bills... .she made sure she had enough money to get her nails done twice a month, her hair done, that she had new clothes and that she drove a new car... .I never understood why someone would have a $500 car payment and do all those things and claim she could not afford to keep her kids according to the divorce agreement, which was 50/50... .she instead told them to stay with their dad and she gets them every other weekend, so 4 days a month... .she calls them everyday, but I often wondered if that was to make herself feel better and not so much about the children... .I sit here and think about how stupid I was to allow someone to manipulate me, she had all the right answers... .she was the perfect person for me... .she was strong in faith, went so far as to being baptized... .constantly told me how much she loved me... .put me on a pedestal, even up to the last hour before she left... .she walked off and left me, the dogs, our life and I am the one having to pick up the pieces... I am the one that ponders suicide to get rid of the pain... .I am the one that is going crazy and obsessing... .everything reminding me of her... .I just want some sort of prace... .and to answer the question... .yes, I am seeing a counselor... .I see her today, but I don't think she understands the hell I am feeling... .the shaking in the middle of the day, the need to cry in the middle of anything... .finding no peace and no comfort in this mental torture... .only comfort I get is reading from others and feedback from others... .people that know what I am dealing with... .

[steelwork]

Have you told your counselor you are feeling suicidal? You don't feel understood by him or her... .can you ask to see another counselor? Please take this seriously.

But also take heart from the hundreds of people here who also once felt they were waking up from a nightmare into another nightmare. You need to take care of yourself, and I am not going to say "time heals all wounds." It does not. But you are probably in a state of adrenaline overdrive. Your body is fighting for the relationship, even if you know it's wrong and hopeless. Your body doesn't know that yet. You're in withdrawal. Time WILL help with that.

[confusedandangry]

I have talked to my counselor, had all guns removed from my home.  I am not drinking or taking anything that is not precription for my personal health.  My counselor knows that my mom and dogs are the only reason I have stayed alive.  I'm not sure what you mean in the sense my body is fighting for the relationship.  I know it is hopeless, toxic and I honestly do not want her back.  I just want to heal... .I want to stop hurting so badly and be able to function at least on some level.  I celebrate remembering to feed my dogs, I did laundry last night... .but she left me feeling so void of all things.  How is it that someone could be able to do that?  I have had failed relationships prior that were ended due to cheating... .but I have never had such a pain in my life. 

[steelwork]

I have talked to my counselor, had all guns removed from my home.  I am not drinking or taking anything that is not precription for my personal health.  My counselor knows that my mom and dogs are the only reason I have stayed alive.

My heart breaks for you, but I'm glad you have your mom and your dogs.

 I'm not sure what you mean in the sense my body is fighting for the relationship.  I know it is hopeless, toxic and I honestly do not want her back.  I just want to heal... .I want to stop hurting so badly and be able to function at least on some level.

You're undergoing a process that is in some ways physically identical to drug withdrawal. That's what I mean: if you're like most people in your situation, your body is screaming for a hit of this person, even though you want so badly to be rid of her. I'm sure there's a better resource to explain what I mean, but I'll put this here in the meanwhile:

(NOTE: THIS WAS JUST A QUICK GOOGLE RESULT, DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS WEBSITE)

www.news.aazah.com/content/study-shows-ending-relationship-cocaine-withdrawal#.Vthwe4wrJaU

 I celebrate remembering to feed my dogs, I did laundry last night... .but she left me feeling so void of all things.  How is it that someone could be able to do that?  I have had failed relationships prior that were ended due to cheating... .but I have never had such a pain in my life.  

This is different. It is. We know.

You are right to celebrate your accomplishments.

EDIT:

Anyhow, the reason I mention the withdrawal thing is to say that the first weeks and months are like drug recovery, and you'll get through it and those symptoms will go away. You'll sleep again and eat again and your enjoyment of the things you like will return with time. But that is not to say "sit and do nothing and then one day you will be better." I only meant to reassure you that the withdrawal symptoms will abate.

[apepper21]

Everything you are feeling makes sense! It absolutely sucks!

Feel your feelings. I go through sadness, crying randomly at work, anger, depression, anxiety, etc. The feelings PASS, even though each time I don't think they will. I work with my ex pwBPD and today is one MONTH of being broken up and while I didn't think I'd make it through the day (unrelated to the month) I DID. And it is something to celebrate!

I bought star stickers and put on on my calendar for each day I have LC (since we work together it's pretty hard to do NC) or if have had contact kept it off us and TWO stars if he has tried to get back together and I stood my ground and said no. It sounds silly, and I actually had to go to the store a few times b/c when I first went I felt incredible anxiety/guilt for getting myself something that would be celebrating the end of this, but it feels SO good. This week I couldn't give myself a start Tuesday or Wednesday and I found myself being angry that I let him take my star!

Know that all the feelings are normal for this situation. Your friends don't understand the complexity. Write here, I have just recently started and it is SO helpful.

I go for walks, walks at work to clear my head and listen to music that makes me feel good and confident. Walks on the weekends in the woods, VERY helpful.

Read about this, I am reading "Stop Caretaking the borderline or narcissist: How to end the Drama... ." and it is very helpful and is one things that actually distracts me from the ruminations and feelings.

Be with others, even if at a coffee shop doing your own thing, this helps me a LOT.

Try to love yourself. This isn't about YOU at ALL. Someone who has feelings for others, who cares about others doesn't do something like this. It is not a reflection of you, you will not make sense of it. My therapist said once, there is no rationalizing this behavior. Picturing a big stop sign when I notice myself ruminating and shouting in my head STOP STOP STOP helps at times.

There are a lot of things that I put on my phone as reminders, daily or weekly. It is a LOT of work, but it's worth it b/c being in a relationship with someone with this illness is VERY much worse. These feelings WILL eventually go away. They will NEVER change.

Keep posting!

[apepper21]

Oh yes, also buy yourself FLOWERS, you can get inexpensive ones at the grocery store. It is very empowering and self loving and color is good, and flowers are beauty and love. You deserve them!

Let us know how that goes:)

[philo beto]

Hey I'm sorry, i've been there it sucks. what has helped me is to journal. I also made my bed everyday, shaved, cooked myself dinner. Yes this is like ending a addiction to drugs. (my exBPD called me her heroin and she was mine). You will crawl, walk then run. Do as much as you can for you ! I realized i forgot who i was in this relationship. Get to know yourself again.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Begin by planning small things in life to look forward to.  A weekend trip with a friend or relative.  Call someone up whom you haven't seen in a while and meet them for coffee.  Go on vacation.  Make reservations at your favorite restaurant.  Do things that YOU control and that other people can't take away from you -- this will remind you that your ex doesn't control whether or not you feel happiness and pleasure in life.  Having things to look forward to also gives you a sense of a future.

If there were things you did together that you miss, you can even do those things by yourself, or with a friend or relative.  If it's something you cared about, empower yourself by remembering that your ex isn't the only person you can do those things with.

Fill your life with as many small, short-term gratification, healthy pleasures as you can.  You'll find that in time, you won't crave the company of your ex anymore.  Be kind to yourself.

[confusedandangry]

Thank you all... .I am applying many of these ideas in my life.  Being the logical person I am, I am having to realize I can not and will never get an answer.  She will always be sick and I can not change it.  I promised myself I would do two things this weekend to get out of the house... .one being going back to church and the other something physical... .she was a couch potato and lazy.  She liked to just sit on the sofa and do nothing but vape and watch tv on the weekends.  I am right the opposite, I love to be home, but to be active... .clean out a closet, rearrange furniture, paint, go for a walk, just anything to keep from sitting for long periods of time... .

[apepper21]

Thank you all... .I am applying many of these ideas in my life.  Being the logical person I am, I am having to realize I can not and will never get an answer.  She will always be sick and I can not change it.  I promised myself I would do two things this weekend to get out of the house... .one being going back to church and the other something physical... .she was a couch potato and lazy.  She liked to just sit on the sofa and do nothing but vape and watch tv on the weekends.  I am right the opposite, I love to be home, but to be active... .clean out a closet, rearrange furniture, paint, go for a walk, just anything to keep from sitting for long periods of time... .

Sounds awesome! Let us know how it goes:)

[SWLSR]

confused

I commented a couple of days ago that this was a dark place.  It really was for me and alot of people on this board as well.  The only way you can win at this situation is to get better and find joy in you life.  Although you may not think there is joy now, understand that there is more than you know.  Take small steps, reach out for help and find the light.  But most importantly believe in your self.