No idea what to do, advice?

[snowmonkey]

Hi All,

I have been with my BPD GF for three years now and things are at an all time low. I love her, I want to support her and I dream of a future with her, but I am struggling like never before with the abuse.

I feel like I need a break for a few days, but that will only make the rages worse. Additionally, if I take time out for myself, I am sure her impulsivity will lead her to infidelity (a couple months ago we separated for just 4 days, during which time she had dates with other men).

I feel trapped between the pain which she inflicts on me daily and the suffering she will put me through if I take some time out for myself.

I have read in many places that I can't imagine what she is going through, and that my pain is nothing compared to what she endures. So I remain with her and with the faint hope that one day this will get better... .

I am being ridiculous really, I know I should leave, I know I should walk out of the door... .but how do I do that? The beautiful side of my GF is so beautiful, I just hardly see it anymore.

Has anyone ever turned around a borderline partner? Has it ever gone from hell to normality? I read that the prognosis can be good, as much as 60-70% bordelines recover. Is that true? I Have never read an account of anyone who has ever seen things get much better.

Someone please tell me what to do!Hell please!

[Turkish]

Hi snowmonkey,

There are success stories, you can read some here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0

This takes a commited person to get help, first.

Given where you are now, it's helpful to step back and take stock of where you are now. This is tough, given what you are going through right now. Can you look through these lessons, to help understand what's going on now? You don't have much control, if any, over what she's doing, but changing your responses may help:

Stop The Bleeding

The full lessons are to the right of this board.

When you mention rage and abuse... .do you feel physically safe?

Turkish

[LonelyChild]

Has anyone ever turned around a borderline partner? Has it ever gone from hell to normality? I read that the prognosis can be good, as much as 60-70% bordelines recover. Is that true? I Have never read an account of anyone who has ever seen things get much better.

Someone please tell me what to do!Hell please!

There are some studies claiming good results. I my opinion, they are not very relevant to 'real life'. In my country, suicide statistics are going down. Less and less people are killing themselves. This was on the news a few days ago; suicides are decreasing. What is not talked about is how most of it is because of benzodiazepines. People are no longer killing themselves because they are turned into zombies. Things are not always what they seem.

First off, what the studies claim is a 'regression in symptomps'. This can be decreased rage frequency etc. This says very little about how a person functions in social situations or romantic relationships. The decreased rage can just have turned into deception or whatever else.

Secondly, most studies have a follow-up period of 6-24 months. That's WAY too little. We need folow-ups 10 years later and evaluate change over that period of time. Half a year literally means nothing.

Third. The results are inflated in studies. No one wants to publish a paper on how worthless their new method of treating BPD is.

Fourth; there are NO sunshine stories. Some manage. Some cope. Some get a little better for a period of time, but most fall back to the same old problems. pwBPD do not change. No, let me rephrase that. PEOPLE do not change. Without HUGE amounts of work, and that amount of work is tenfold for a pwBPD because of many different aspects of their disorder.

Fifth - go ahead and read these boards. You're not going to find a single story of pwBPD going through therapy for a couple of years, "waking up" and becoming a good person. Why? Because it doesn't happen.

I dated a BPD girl. She was like yours. Rages all the time, but giving her space meant infidelity. She was gorgeous. She could literally seduce any man she wanted. She was like some kind of sex being. Her whole existence just emanated sex. She was a model when she was younger. Who is she today - 4 years later? She's overweight, stretch marks all over her body, she lost her home, lived in a psych ward for 3 months and now lives in an assisted living place which she has been thrown out of. She has no money, no friends, no education, no income. She's basically (or pretty much literally) trash in human form. I feel sorry for her, but at the same time, I remember a conversation I had with her a few years ago where I sat down with her calmly and told her that we need to work on some things in her life NOW, otherwise she will be in BIG trouble down the road. She basically flipped me off and went off with some other guy (from which I had to save her). So this IS deserved.

It is deeply saddening how pwBPD are absolutely unable to learn from past mistakes. They repeat their crap over and over. It must be hell.

What you might want to do;

Stand your ground. Focus on your life. Keep firm boundaries. If she follows, adapts and gets better - share what you have with her. If she doesn't, leave her behind and keep moving forward.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey snow monkey, Suggest you step back and take a deep breath.  As you note, you may need a time-out for a few days to regroup, which is OK.  If you elect to take a break, make clear to your SO that you will be out of contact with her for x days.  Then let the chips fall.  You will be OK, but it seems clear that you need to step away from the fire to come up with a better plan.  If you continue on your current path, which is what I did, you may find yourself in a self-destructive cycle that is difficult to break out of.

LuckyJim

[snowmonkey]

Thanks Turkish, LonelyChild and Lucky Jim,

It is comforting to know that others have and are going through similar issues and are at least still here to talk about it and help others that are facing the trials of loving and living with a pwBPD.

@Turkish, I have started looking at the lessons which seem very helpful and will continue to go through them as time permits (a very rare occasion when living with the demands of a BPD partner). As for the abuse, I do feel physically safe. That is not to say that she hasn't physically assaulted me (I suppose a half a dozen times), but never substantially enough to warrant a trip to the hospital or police.

@LonelyChild, Everything you say (from the realism you have on BPD prognosis to the stunning GF who could seduce almost any man) rings absolutely true with me. Particularly pertinent is what you wrote at the end:

"Stand your ground. Focus on your life. Keep firm boundaries. If she follows, adapts and gets better - share what you have with her. If she doesn't, leave her behind and keep moving forward."

To me, this sounds very much like something a councillor said to me. He has tried to get me to engage in the process of "differentiation", as explained by the psychologist Dr. David Schnarch. Hopefully, I can find renewed strength and follow through with that.

@Lucky Jim, I am sorry to hear that you also had to deal with such a situation. How did you find the courage to step away for a few days? How did you find the faith to know that when the chips did fall, that everything would be ok?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey snow monkey, If you're like many of us Nons, you may have codependent tendencies to caretake and take responsibility for your BPD SO, which is almost a given if you are in a r/s with a pwBPD.  What is hard to see is that by acting as a caretaker, you are actually avoiding care for yourself.  Think about it!  In addition, by doing things for someone else that he/she is perfectly capable of doing for him/herself, you create a dependency that is unhealthy for both care giver and recipient.  The key is to return the focus to yourself.  On some level do you think you deserve the abuse?  Time to start caring for yourself, in my view, as the first step towards greater happiness.  It's hard, I know, and have been in your shoes.  "How does the snail climb Mt. Fuji?  But slowly, slowly . . . "  Suggest you start with baby steps.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Hi snowmonkey, and welcome!

I would like to pass along a message of both hope and caution, from my personal history with my wife. Starting with the hope.

My wife was always high functioning, and much of her life probably not severe enough for a diagnosis of BPD (which she never received) However, it did get very bad, and I was subjected to abuse which gradually escalated over the years. I found support from several sources, these forums being a key one. Over a few months, I managed to stop accepting abuse, stop caving to the silent treatment, and enforce boundaries consistently. My wife was working on herself, and at a workshop over a year later, made a breakthrough, and stopped TRYING to be abusive toward me. That was a dramatic shift, to say the least.

(Our marriage is over but for the paperwork now. The end was triggered by a personal tragedy, and while the directly abusive behavior never came back, some other BPD-ish behaviors were involved in the end. I still call this a success!)

@Turkish, I have started looking at the lessons which seem very helpful and will continue to go through them as time permits (a very rare occasion when living with the demands of a BPD partner). As for the abuse, I do feel physically safe. That is not to say that she hasn't physically assaulted me (I suppose a half a dozen times), but never substantially enough to warrant a trip to the hospital or police.

Here is the caution: Abusive behavior isn't stable. It escalates. My wife started with emotional/verbal abuse, and it escalated to me being slapped a few times. It also included her trying to physically block me from leaving. (This *IS* domestic violence, and against the law in most if not all states.) I was never hurt enough to want to involve medical or police either. Still, it was a serious wake-up call for me.

If I hadn't changed what *I* was doing, it would have escalated. I wouldn't be saying that it never got to that level. One of us probably would have been arrested, and it could easily have been me.

Be very careful, and make sure you understand what you can do to protect yourself... .and what things that you *might* do to protect yourself would put yourself in legal danger. (For example, if your wife is hitting you and you physically restrain her to protect yourself, that restraint qualifies as domestic violence as well, and puts you at risk of getting arrested.) Be prepared to remove yourself from her company as quickly as you can, while the current anger/rage/whatever is verbal, and before anything physical happens, for your own safety.

You are creeping right up to the edge of some very dangerous territory--please read this:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

[Cloudy Days]

I'd like to just say my life was a nightmare several years ago, both physical and emotional abuse. Eventually the cops were called on him, lines were drawn in the sand, boundaries were given and things did get better. With therapy and my boundaries the abuse got less and less. He's still dysfunctional though in many ways, we just have a better relationship. Not only because he has worked on himself but mainly because I have worked on me and my codependency issues. I was classically codependent on everything that I did and it really is something you have to stop doing if you want your relationship to get any better. When you bend to fit their life they will just ask you to keep bending until you are not yourself anymore. You become a shell of a human being.

The main thing I wanted to touch on though, which I have said this to other people because this is when things clicked for me. Nothing will change in the relationship until you are no longer afraid of losing the relationship. She may cheat on you if you take a break, but a break may be what you need. You can't expect to control her actions with your actions. Let her make her mistakes and make her live with them too. If she cheats then you have to decide if the relationship is worth keeping at all, but you are not the one that would have made her cheat, that is her choice. Work on setting boundaries against abuse, if you are serious about staying this is the first thing that needs to be addressed. You can't be expected to endure abuse.

Things can get better, but they are never 100% normal.

[Lucky Jim]

When you bend to fit their life they will just ask you to keep bending until you are not yourself anymore. You become a shell of a human being.

Agree, Cloudy, that's what happens if you're not careful.  I wasn't aware of what was happening and nearly destroyed myself physically, emotionally and financially.  I was totally isolated from friends and family.  I lost myself for a while there, which was not fun, believe me.  LJ