Just dumped

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Was just dumped by girlfriend who I now believe suffers from BPD. Relationship lasted for just under 2 years and was rocky to say the least. For the majority of that time, I was always the one to initiate reconciliation after our debates/fights, explain my feelings and thoughts, deal with the mood swings, and the beliefs that I was not to be trusted. Was reminded on a weekly basis that I was being inconsistent and that my explanations just "didn't make sense". Read a number of blogs and self-help info and was surprised at how much of the support techniques I had already tried. Anyway, girlfriend dumped me and I feel completely lost. What makes matters worse is that we are also coworkers so I see her on a daily basis. Not to mention that she hangs out with a number of other coworkers and suspect that she is badmouthing me to them. Been trying to avoid her, but sometimes find myself manufacturing interactions (meeting in the hallway, walking past her office, etc.) just to get a glimpse. Doesn't seem phased by the breakup at all and I am a complete mess. Keep telling myself that if I could only explain to her (yet again) my perspective that she would understand and we would be able to make it work. Actually broke down last night and sent text after a week of no contact. Didn't get a response and now I feel like I'm back at square one.What should I do?

[HurtIII]

Was just dumped by girlfriend who I now believe suffers from BPD. Relationship lasted for just under 2 years and was rocky to say the least. For the majority of that time, I was always the one to initiate reconciliation after our debates/fights, explain my feelings and thoughts, deal with the mood swings, and the beliefs that I was not to be trusted. Was reminded on a weekly basis that I was being inconsistent and that my explanations just "didn't make sense". Read a number of blogs and self-help info and was surprised at how much of the support techniques I had already tried. Anyway, girlfriend dumped me and I feel completely lost. What makes matters worse is that we are also coworkers so I see her on a daily basis. Not to mention that she hangs out with a number of other coworkers and suspect that she is badmouthing me to them. Been trying to avoid her, but sometimes find myself manufacturing interactions (meeting in the hallway, walking past her office, etc.) just to get a glimpse. Doesn't seem phased by the breakup at all and I am a complete mess. Keep telling myself that if I could only explain to her (yet again) my perspective that she would understand and we would be able to make it work. Actually broke down last night and sent text after a week of no contact. Didn't get a response and now I feel like I'm back at square one.What should I do?

[tryingsome]

First this is a very tough time for you, hang in there.

Realize that she may be bad mouthing you, but it is likely not representative of you.

Don't worry about what people think so much, good friends stand by your side.

The worry to explain your side should signal that you may need to work on yourself.

That maybe you are giving to much of yourself to this relationship.

Are you trustworthy? She says you are not be trusted... .

But we know this isn't true. Don't let someone dictate the reality of who you are.

This is very important.

You are in the detach board, so I am guessing you really don't want this to work?

Maybe you are conflicted?

If detaching, I can't stress enough to go out and find other people to talk to.

Do things with other people. Going NC is not enough.

You really need to go NC and when you have the urge to contact her, go out with some people.

Therapy is also very helpful.

[HurtIII]

Thanks for the response... guess that I am conflicted about which way to go. Not sure if anything between us is/was real and trying to rationalize it away. Actually broke down and sent a pretty long text message outlining how she made me feel; thinking that it would be my closure. Explained how the constant pulls closer coupled with the constant pushes away led to double standards, anxiety, and trust issues. Added that she feelings of being alone and abandonment led to her keeping her guard up and making me feel as I was the issue. Anyway, Im trying to will this away and tell myself that the relationship wasnt real. She  did respond and express that it was very interesting how I pointed the full blame to her and didnt take responsibility for my part in any of our issues. How could I not take responsibility? She demanded it... .demanded that confess, explain, or justify my actions. Just really confused right now. There are soo many things that I want to say to her... .would appreciate any help or support. Thanks in advance

[C.Stein]

I completely understand where you are right now mentally and emotionally.  The FOG is soo thick, the hurricane of emotions and ruminations so deafening in your head that nothing seems real.  Confusion, conflict and pain are your breakfast, lunch and dinner right now.  Stand strong this will not last forever.

The relationship was real, the feelings and emotions were real, but for a pwBPD the feelings and emotions are not the same as yours nor is their reality.  There is nothing you can say or do that will change how she is.  Regardless of what "progress" you might think you make with her with respect to accountability it will almost certain not persist.  Even if she does hold herself accountable she will probably revert back to pushing the blame onto anyone or anything other than herself.  She needs to do this for her own emotional survival.  You cannot change this, not with words or actions.  This is something only she can do for herself.  I also want to hold my ex accountable but I am kidding myself thinking that any admission of guilt or accountability from her will be sincere or lasting.

What you can do however is to take responsibility for your part in the relationship, for your mistakes, and eventually learn from all this.  This is the only way you can take something positive from something that has emotionally destroyed you.

Stand tall and strong.

[HurtIII]

Thanks... .Im trying. To make matters worse, we work together and there is always the chance that I will run into her (or make an opportunity to). She is on vacation right now with a family member and I cant stop the thoughts of her devaluing me and spending days finding replacement(s). How do I deal with those lingering thoughts?

[C.Stein]

I cant stop the thoughts of her devaluing me and spending days finding replacement(s). How do I deal with those lingering thoughts?

I completely understand this.  It is what has been the hardest part to accept/deal with for me.  The thoughts of how she was getting emotionally involved with another man while she watched me drown in pain and despair that was a result of her actions and behavior towards me.  This has generated an extreme amount pain and anger within me.  The only way to deal with these thoughts is to force yourself to stop thinking about it when they pop up.  Eventually the ruminations and emotions you are feeling with regard to this will fade and you will be less reactive. 

[HurtIII]

So i caved in and called her... .and now im a complete mess. Told me that she didnt trust me and that I always seemed to change my story or that my explanations just didnt seem to make sense. Tried to use all of the information i learned on this site to plead my case, but to no avail. Asked that I leave her alone and now im miserable again. Still see her at work and have a family to take care of, but just dont have the energy right now. actually took another day off of work because I just dont want to be around people right now. I am really in a bad place... .havent cried in years but now i cant seem to stop. What is wrong with me?

[HurtIII]

Have another question... .does the hypersexual behavior extend to lesbian relationships? Recently has new group of friends and noticed the idealizations starting. Actually saw glance between one of the new friends that resembled how she used to look at me... .always talking bout how insiteful this person is and how she seems to understand her. Know that she sharing details of our once relationship with the whole crew, but wondering if this young lady could actually be my replacement. She is a lesbian and lives with girlfriend.

[tryingsome]

Have another question... .does the hypersexual behavior extend to lesbian relationships? Recently has new group of friends and noticed the idealizations starting. Actually saw glance between one of the new friends that resembled how she used to look at me... .always talking bout how insiteful this person is and how she seems to understand her. Know that she sharing details of our once relationship with the whole crew, but wondering if this young lady could actually be my replacement. She is a lesbian and lives with girlfriend.

From my experience, pwBPD then to be sexually curious.

[HurtIII]

Not sure what sexually curious means... .

[C.Stein]

So i caved in and called her... .and now im a complete mess. Told me that she didnt trust me and that I always seemed to change my story or that my explanations just didnt seem to make sense. Tried to use all of the information i learned on this site to plead my case, but to no avail. Asked that I leave her alone and now im miserable again. Still see her at work and have a family to take care of, but just dont have the energy right now. actually took another day off of work because I just dont want to be around people right now. I am really in a bad place... .havent cried in years but now i cant seem to stop. What is wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you.  You have suffered a loss that has impacted you deeply and likely has led to some level of depression.  I still find myself with tears in my eyes on a daily basis but for a couple of months I had tears in my eyes constantly and couldn't find the energy or desire to do anything other than exist.  There was nothing I could do to keep my eyes dry.   

It is OK to cry, it helps release emotions that need an outlet.  As you come closer to acceptance you will find yourself less depressed and your eyes will dry. 

[Frustratedbloke]

Just adding two cents, from my recent experience. Take from it what you will.

This girl feels like she could be awesome right now, if just one or two things were different. They never will be.

I can maybe save you some grief, me and my girl bounced back and forth like a ping pong. I was recycled I think five times, it's hard to tell, I'm not sure which ones were proper break ups anymore. The truth is as soon as you get close, they will push you away, cheat, do whatever they do. It's because you're close, it's because you're being good to them.

With each bounceback I got less and less attached. This last time, she switched off sex and seemed to think I would accept being friends, still taking her crap but getting none of the benefits, while she sorted herself out with the next victim.

I told her to go to Hell, blocked her and now feel better than I ever, ever did. This was just two weeks ago.

Honestly you can explain until you're blue in the face and the sad reality is that if they are the sadistic type, they'll enjoy your pain. It won't change anything, but they'll sit there reading your emails, texts etc and they will laugh at you afterwards. Not because you're being pathetic, but because they need to think you are to feel powerful.

You've heard it before but really analyse what you enjoy about this pain and also learn to detach. Give yourself some distance and you might see she is not so shiny and brilliant after all.

[WoundedBibi]

Dear HurtIII, you're not alone, you're hurting like hell and your actions are logical right now but they will bring you more pain. Please listen to C.Stein and FrustratedBloke. Or me 

I tried to talk when there were issues (fast and a lot), took the mood swings, the vindictive behaviour, be the grown up, talk, reason, explain, ignore the alcohol and drug abuse, the triangulation, the flirting with other women in front of me, him kissing a guy in front of me, explain my side more, it did not help a-t a-l-l.

There are no answers to the why. She does not have the answers you want. The more you contact the more ammunition you are giving her to shoot you down with.

I worked with my ex too. He got fired while I was off sick. I know when I go back I will have to face his enormous fan base who hate my guts after all the lies he told them. And possibly him as he hangs out near the office. It is HELL to be *so* close to your tormentor. Is there any way you can get yourself out of this work situation? Because it will make No Contact so much harder let alone detachement. She WILL bad mouth you. You WILL loose friends among your colleagues. Things WILL get out of control FAST. Can you work at another department? Another office? Take a long holiday? Find another job even? From experience: get the hell out! You don't want to end up losing your job on top of it all and BPDs are good at manipulating others in believing you are the guilty party.

Stay strong, take as much distance as you can now (thank god she's away now) and make a plan of what to do next. Get support, you will need it. And No Contact. It will get you nowhere but down.

And yes BPD's are sexually curious. Because of their lack of self they don't know who they are and what their sexual preference is. My ex kept going back and forth between being hetero as in only having had gfs and hitting on a lot of girls and kissing guys, being 'accussed' (his words) by others that he was bi, and hinting he might be interested in having sex with guys.

[HurtIII]

Know I havent posted in a while, but wanted to give an update. Ended up recycled but then everything went crazy the very next day. Has definitely discarded me and I feel worse than I did before.

[HurtinNW]

Know I havent posted in a while, but wanted to give an update. Ended up recycled but then everything went crazy the very next day. Has definitely discarded me and I feel worse than I did before.

I've been there.   

My recycles got shorter and uglier and meaner. It took four years before the final discard, and now I am a mess. Can you find a new job? Get a way to create some distance? I am so sorry, sending you support and hugs.

[anglian365]

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.  You will find many wise words and caring peple on here, and the 'learning' part of the boards are invaluable.

Do you have a support network of your own?  Friends you can call on to go out with and socialise, and talk about this. Don't isolate yourself.  I know you probably don't feel like it at the moment, but this can be a real relief, even if it might be temporary.

Your gf is going through an 'up' time at the moment, and can get off on demeaning you.  If she comes 'down' she might well want to resume contact, and the wheel will go round, and you'll get hurt again.

Somehow you have to find the right tools to help you - a counsellor/ therapy, books, sharing on the board.

Some of us take a long time to find firm ground under our feet, and then can take steps to move whichever way we decide, with confidence that what we are doing is right for ourselves.  Learn to listen to your gut! But it's damned hard when we have invested so much of our hearts in the relationship. 

I hope this makes sense... .x

[HurtIII]

Definitely makes sense... .just continued to be surprised by the fact that she believes something about me which isnt true and is using that as justification for terminating the relationship. And it happened soo fast!

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

So i caved in and called her... .and now im a complete mess. Told me that she didnt trust me and that I always seemed to change my story or that my explanations just didnt seem to make sense. Tried to use all of the information i learned on this site to plead my case, but to no avail. Asked that I leave her alone and now im miserable again. Still see her at work and have a family to take care of, but just dont have the energy right now. actually took another day off of work because I just dont want to be around people right now. I am really in a bad place... .havent cried in years but now i cant seem to stop. What is wrong with me?

The best thing right now for you in my humble opinion is to go see a therapist. I know what you are feeling and it's not fun. Also, you have to keep yourself entertained by going to the gym everyday (if possible), make new friends or join a group, visit your family more and spend more time with them. Staying at home and thinking about your relationship does not help. Be strong man.

[HurtIII]

Thanks everyone and I am trying to say positive. Just cant seem to catch a break though. Have been running into her coworker friends and am getting the definite cold shower. Looks like the swear campaign has officially started and is at full throttle.