The truth about the last three months

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

For those that know my story I've had trouble detaching since she left me after almost two years of daily communicating and seven months of living together.  Although the relationship wasn't Perfect and I and she both made mistakes, it does seem like most of her things were reactions to things I did.  In any case, the things I did triggered her jeslousies, her manipulation, her one rage that she had, Etc

And though I've done awful at no contact the thing is my life has consisted little more than getting up and going to work.  At work I write or pray often - praying for her as a person but also that she come back.  And I come home after work. And go straight to bed. Whether at 6 pm or 8 pm.  I don't turn on the light. Or TV. I just go in bed. Maybe read here. Or Facebook and look to see when she was on last or If she posted etc.

But I stay in bed all night.  I get up consequently In middle of night. Can't get back to sleep. And I look at Facebook or read here. Pray or think of her. Etc

I haven't cleaned my house in months to speak of. I

Used to keep it so clean. My Christmas decorations are even still out.  How sad.

I've been to a counselor.  I've done things with friends here or there.  But I just can't get over my desire for her. And the thought that I let the best woman in the world get away.  Flawed and all.

It's embarrassing I guess I'm worse off than I thought.  And for all her emotional baggage she's the happy one.  She's the one doing better it seems.

[Scopikaz]

For those that know my story I've had trouble detaching since she left me after almost two years of daily communicating and seven months of living together.  Although the relationship wasn't Perfect and I and she both made mistakes, it does seem like most of her things were reactions to things I did.  In any case, the things I did triggered her jeslousies, her manipulation, her one rage that she had, Etc

And though I've done awful at no contact the thing is my life has consisted little more than getting up and going to work.  At work I write or pray often - praying for her as a person but also that she come back.  And I come home after work. And go straight to bed. Whether at 6 pm or 8 pm.  I don't turn on the light. Or TV. I just go in bed. Maybe read here. Or Facebook and look to see when she was on last or If she posted etc.

But I stay in bed all night.  I get up consequently In middle of night. Can't get back to sleep. And I look at Facebook or read here. Pray or think of her. Etc

I haven't cleaned my house in months to speak of. I

Used to keep it so clean. My Christmas decorations are even still out.  How sad.

I've been to a counselor.  I've done things with friends here or there.  But I just can't get over my desire for her. And the thought that I let the best woman in the world get away.  Flawed and all.

It's embarrassing I guess I'm worse off than I thought.  And for all her emotional baggage she's the happy one.  She's the one doing better it seems.

[Itstopsnow]

Be gentle with yourself. You sound to be in clinical depression. Would you consider medication? I was really scared to try meds. And I haven't yet. But I do know it works . I was self medicating a little with drinking. So I stopped and I do feel a ton better! The spring is coming try to get outside more and exercise! Even walking in the park daily or 3 or 4 times a week could help. She wasn't the best thing for you or the love of your life. She is sick and will only abuse you. You're mind is telling you these things because you're lonely, grieving and depressed. You don't want to be with someone you can't trust, who doesn't respect you or what you want in life. Likely childhood issues of your own is keeping you in this state of mind. Praying is great! Continue that but don't close off from people.

Going home and in bed at 6pm or 8pm with lights out will add to your depression and your own sickness. It's not a healthy thing to do. I know it can get really hard to do anything when depressed but pray for the strength to move on . Accept God's will in your life. He wants you to have more because you deserve it! You're not alone in what you are feeling! I've been there. Take it one day at a time . Maybe go to some CODa meetings. You should be with people at times. It will help

[Itstopsnow]

Praying is good but pray for your healing! Pray to let go or for God's will. Praying for her to come back is counterproductive and it is likely not going to happen anyway. Don't blame yourself for her behaviors . It will only get you stuck! Journal how you feel daily, journal all the bad times you had with her. The ways she let you down, insulted you, abused you and hurt you. Don't just think about good times. It's not realistic, people with BPD have a history of stormy relationships . It was not your fault it ended , yes no one is perfect . But this illnesses is bigger than you or her. I'm sorry for you pain

[C.Stein]

You are stuck in the mud Scopikaz but you are the one who keeps adding the water.  The place your life is in now is your choice.  You are choosing to remain stuck in the mud of your making, to keep believing and hoping for something you will never get.  You know this and have admitted as much .  It is time for you to truly realize this, stop making excuses for her, pick yourself up and start living your life again ... .FOR YOU!   You cannot continue to hope for something that is not there.  You are in deep denial and the continuing game she and you are playing with each other is feeding your denial and false hope.  

Trust me man, I know what you are feeling as I was there for many months after being thrown away.  Your mind is trying to find a way to avoid the pain, to rationalize and excuse what has happened, to hold onto some ideal image of who she is.  Now you are trying to minimize her behavior by blaming yourself.  The thing is, even if you did things that triggered her that doesn't change who she is nor does it mean something else wouldn't have triggered her.  You have split her into the good and bad parts of herself and you have to rejoin these two parts into one and see her for who she truly is as a whole.

The most difficult thing for me in this whole process has been accepting my ex did the things she did to me, that there is a side of her that can treat a "loved" one the way she treated me at times.  I don't want to accept she is a bad person because I know she is not ... .outside of an intimate relationship.  However within herself and within intimate relationships she is essentially a destructive selfish mess.  This is why is it so hard to reconcile these two parts of her.  

I did choose to believe in her, to have hope that she could find a way to bring these two sides of herself together into a stable and grounded individual.  I continued to believe despite the pain she was causing me (and herself) because she was "normal" most of the time.  I think this is one reason why I have had such a hard time letting go and why this relationship has damaged me to my core.  I chose to fully believe and trust in her, to love her with all my heart even when she was hurting me.  When she betrayed all that it literally destroyed me emotionally.  

So here you are now trying to avoid accepting your ex as a whole and making any excuse you can, including blaming yourself, in order to avoid seeing the truth.  For your own sake please take off the blinders.

[Nextinline]

Mate

I have responded to you a few times. As have every other person here.

The theme remains the same. Everyone is telling you the thing that you just don't want to hear. You are not listening to anyone. You are in the "detach" board. If you don't want to detach you need to go to the "working on it" board and seek guidance from the people there.

I will be blunt and nowhere near as polite as everyone else you have chosen to ignore in terms of their measured advice to you. Do you define yourself by this woman? How did you define yourself before you met her? How do your friends or family define you? Is your whole life now without value because some woman said she does not want a relationship with you?

Surely there are things in your life that you value and cherish. Even if it is your health or your job or your family of your home... .do they no longer mean anything to you and all of those things are now of no value because you have let a woman define who you are as a person?

You talk about God a lot and you talk about praying for her. Well I believe in God. The God I believe in is pretty clear on his/her expectations... .and its this... .they will not help me until I'm prepared to help myself.

So what are you going to do to help yourself? Wallowing in self pity and praying that she will see the light and come back to you is not helping yourself.

Have you ever considered the one thing that is foundational in any relationship... .and that is that she just wasn't that in to you? Maybe you aren't the person for her. You analyse everything she does and says and come here asking for answers from people who are ultimately strangers to you.

You now need to decide about your own health and sanity. You are depressed and you need some serious help and support... .more than an anonymous board can provide for you.

You need to do something for you and all of the people that mean something to you. They care about you. Do you care about them enough to lift yourself out of this hole and be the person that they need you to be?

Everyone in this board has moved forward it seems. You appear to be struggling.

Help starts within. What are you going to do for you?

[patientandclear]

My view is different than Nextinline's. I view this post as a real step forward. S is putting out there for the first time that he has symptoms of severe depression and can see he does not want to live this way. That's so important.

Shaming is counterproductive. These are deep wounds and recovering takes time--a lot of time for some of us. It is not just a matter of will.

My BPD r/ship was really insidiously destructive to me. I've been doing therapy to clear it and related trauma for 2.5 years now. I still hurt every day from the loss, betrayal, disappointment. There are times when I just have to get under the covers and hide.

I also live a productive effective life. The sadness eventually will find a place in a life with other features and rewards, Scopikaz.

The idea that "she is just not that into you" is so unhelpful. These r/ships are confusing and wounding because we received a ton of information to the contrary. We felt safe wanted and cherished. Then that safe place is torn apart and it turns out we have no idea what was true and what was good. That dictates a different recovery process than the end of other r/ships.

[C.Stein]

I view this post as a real step forward. S is putting out there for the first time that he has symptoms of severe depression and can see he does not want to live this way. That's so important.

I agree.  For myself and my own severe depression I think what started to pull me out of it was trying to find a way to accept everything that had happened, to see the truth I had been avoiding and stop trying to convince myself of something that wasn't there.  I still struggle with this 7 months later but I have come a long way towards accepting what happened and accepting her two halves as a whole.  I am not entirely there yet, not by any means, but at least I am able to function without constant tears in my eyes.

[Lonely_Astro]

Scopi,

I'm proud of you to make this post.  As it has been said, it's a HUGE step forward for you to post to us about how you're feeling post b/u.  I echo what patientandclear said, that you have described for us clinical depression symptoms.  Each of us handled our b/u differently.  Each of us perceived it all a different way, that I think we can agree on.  What was the same, I feel sure, was the heartbreak (and ache) we all felt after it was over.

I spent many nights crying in my bed wishing J would text me, call me, show up at my door, or what have you.  I cried because I wanted her SO much.  I wanted all that I had promised her (and her, me).  I did not want to accept that we were over.  I just didn't want to.  I wanted it all to be a misunderstanding.  After all, how could she simply not see how much I loved her?  I had risked and sacrificed a ton of stuff for her, she had to be able to see that.  That was logical thinking, but I was dealing with an illogical being.

I wanted "just one more" with her.  "Just one more" anything.  I didn't care what it was, as long as it was with her.  I thought, maybe, just maybe if I was around for "just one more" that "one more" would be the time she snapped out of it and we went back to the good times.  Guess what?  It never happened.  Sure, she kept me at arms reach for her benefit.  The whole time this was going on, she was exploring new r/s with other guys (this was unbeknownst to me at the time).  But that's not the point of this writing.  The point of this is me telling you that I've been down that dark, all consuming path of depression and despair.  I felt like I had lost an arm when I lost her.  I had lost someone I loved.  But, it turned out I did lose who I loved, but that girl wasn't real from the very beginning.

You said your counselor knows of what you posted.  Have they recommended medication?  My T did, but I refused.  She gave me some things to do, but told me that if I didn't crawl out of the pit on my own, we would have to seek other alternatives (i.e., meds).  Since I've never been a meds guy (pain meds or otherwise), I went with the non-med route.  I went on hikes, I hung out with friends/family, I took classes in hobbies I thought I'd like.  Sometimes I'd find myself doing something and still be sad about missing J.  I'd tell myself that I'm better off without her because I could enjoy what I was doing without having to explain to her that I wasn't ignoring her, that I was doing something because I was interested in it... .you see, that's how J was.  If I wasn't interested solely in her, than I was "not happy with her and never would be" (her exact words to me), even if I had begged her to do the activity with me. I had to give up a lot of who I was to be with her.  What kind of life is that to live? 

I hope whichever path you choose to take (meds or not), that you stay focused on healing.  She isn't the end all, be all of women.  I promise you, she's not.  I didn't feel that way, either, at first until I forced time/distance from her.  That wasn't easy, since I work with her.  I HAVE to see her every work day.  I also have to see my replacement, too.  That one still stings.  But, she doesn't hold the key to my happiness, I do.  I don't need her to be happy.  In fact, honestly, I'm happier now that she's out of my life.  No eggshells, no jealousy, no manipulations... .no constant lies.  I used to read the tone of her good morning text to me to gauge how the rest of my day would go... .not anymore.  I used to take a few moments to think of how I'd reply to a question she posed because a 'wrong' response would invoke silent treatment.  I couldn't ask her to do anything for me because then I was 'needy' but if I didn't ask her, I was "insensitive because I never ask her for anything because I don't trust her enough to do anything right" (once again, her words).  I don't have to worry about that stuff now and my life is better for it.

Hang in there Scopi.  I understand that this doesn't make sense right now, but IT DOES GET BETTER as time and distance passes.  I've been there before. Twice now.

[Itstopsnow]

It is very brave of you to be totally honest here! And people have given you great advise! I agree it will take time and space. It wasn't that she wasn't that into you. It's that she's very mentally ill. I think we as Non's have to try and remember ... .This illness is about them! We tend to personalize it. And how can we not? But their actions are based and driven by their fears and skewed faulty wiring of their brain waves. You were with her 2 years and lived with her 7 months! I doubt she wasn't that into you! But she can never be healthy for you! She isn't healthy to begin with. It's hard to understand perfectly who they are and what they've done! It's so out of the norm. That's why it's a mental disorder . Try and balance out your thoughts. When you start thinking all these good memories . Remind yourself of the bad times, the compromises you made that she never could, the rages and name calling you out up with. The outbursts and lashing out, the cheating if she did. Some people say their ex's didn't. But maybe they don't know the whole truth! Maybe some didn't cheat but I hate to say it most do! Either emotionally , physically or both. It is a huge part of this illness because they are afraid to be without someone by their side.

Once you get healthy again, and you will ... You'll see that you have the better end of the stick! You'll move on. And have a life that you're meant to have. She'll keep cycling throug this toxic mess 

[steelwork]

Scopicaz, you know I feel for you. We all do--so much. Hear me out on my soapbox first, and then I'll tell you a story.

SOAPBOX

Part of what brings comfort to those who come to this board is the feeling that "at last people understand." We talk about how these relationships are different, and no one can understand who has not been in one of these relationships. There's a tacit assumption that what makes them different or hard for friends and family to understand is that our ex partners had BPD or BPD traits. We share that with each other. But that sometimes gives us the idea that we can really put ourselves in each others' shoes. We can't--not really--because not only were our ex partners all individuals with unique qualities and strengths and weaknesses and backgrounds and inherent personalities and degrees of emotional wellness coming into the relationship, but so are we! We all show up punch-drunk and bleeding out, and we find a brotherhood/sisterhood, but we also have to allow for differences. We know a lot of your pain, but we don't know all of it, Scopicaz. We don't know what you saw as a 10-month-old baby when you looked into your mother's eyes. We don't know what kind of loneliness you felt as a child, what kind of fear. We don't know about the girl who broke your heart when you were 13, or the girl whose heart you broke when you were 17. Some of us struggled up from a depth that sounds a lot like the place where you are now, and many of us clung to any scrap of our failed relationship like it was a lifeboat in a boiling sea. So we are with you, but we are not you. You are clinging to that lifeboat for a reason. You need to find out what that reason is. We can't tell you. But, hint, it's not because you need her to survive. We can tell you this: you survived for many many years before you met her. You will not die without her.

STORY

It's stuff I haven't shared here yet--sort of.

D and I met when he was married and I was living with someone. Our relationship was an affair--the whole 2.5 years of it for me. We only lived in the same town (my hometown, actually) part-time during the first 8 or 9 months of our r/s, because I was commuting between the town where I lived with my boyfriend and my hometown to attend the graduate program in which we met. He left his wife about 10 months in, but I could not bring myself to leave my boyfriend (for many complicated reasons--some of which, I now see, were subconscious awareness of    galore in the r/s with D).

I joined this board several months ago under a different name. I started a thread to talk about some feelings of bitterness I was having toward my replacement, who was also in the grad program with us. Fate has put her in a position to block my path in a few ways. In addition to ending up with the man I loved (and, I think, they are now engaged and she might be pregnant), she also got a job I wanted (and deserved), and by coincidence was recently a judge for a prize and a fellowship I'd been nominated for. None of that matters. I was just venting. Anyhow, one of the other members of this board commented on my thread that I should look at the fact that my relationship had been an affair--that this was the important take-away. I disagreed. A back-and-forth ensued which got me thrown off the board.

I was invited to rejoin, but I was angry and no longer felt safe here, and some other stuff not worth going into, so I declined. But I kept reading, and I knew this was a place I wanted to be. So I rejoined under a different name and didn't disclose the fact that my r/s had been an affair (for me) from beginning to end. I have a thicker hide now, so if anyone wants to come at me and tell me I had it coming because I was having an affair, go ahead   I was shambles.

So that's out of the way. My confession. Maybe I'll flesh out the story elsewhere, or if you're curious you can look up shambles. This is the point: when he unceremoniously dumped me, froze me out and blocked me everywhere, I had an epic bout of regret. He had (as he so charmingly put it) "given me dibs," and now I wanted him back. I left my boyfriend of 7 years and moved back to my hometown with nothing but what I could fit in my hatchback. I moved into my brother's attic. I did what I considered was a thorough investigation of my responsibility for the failure of our affair to blossom into a real relationship. Hint: I decided it was 99% my fault. Well, I knew he'd been awful in a lot of ways, but I thought I deserved it. Furthermore, I thought I could get him back if I apologized in the right way, and we'd work out that 1% later, when we were blissfully riding off into the sunset. I poured my heart into that apology, made it as specific and thorough as possible, expressed my sadness at the pain I'd caused him, pledged to to what had to be done to earn back his trust (!). I mailed that and then wrote him the sexiest love letter I've ever written. All it got me was a really weird phone call from him, in which he suggested that he might just be exploring this new relationship, avoided closure with me, expressed a desire to remain friends--basically, snapped a leash on my collar.

There ensued two months of something not too different than what you're going through, Scopicaz. Well, it wasn't the same, really, but it was similarly torturous.

I moved out of my brother's attic and into an old friend's basement. I had a job to go to, part time, and that was about all I could handle. Just barely that.

There was also a snowpocalypse going on, by the way: 100 inches of snow in about 4 weeks. You could hardly walk down the sidewalk, never mind getting out for a rejuvenating run. It was the dead of winter. Darkness at 4:30 p.m. I had just lost two relationships: D and my dear, dear boyfriend of 7 years, who had been something like a kind parent to me in addition to being my biggest champion and someone who loved me utterly. At the same time, I had a really crazy thing happen in my professional life that was, to put it simply, something like corporate espionage. Years of hard work (of a searingly personal nature) were stolen from me. The person who stole them then enlisted the help of MY MOTHER in finishing the job of ripping me off. You can read about my mother here if you're curious how that relationship is doing. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289743.0

I was also having a cancer scare while losing my medicaid in one state and trying to get it back in another state. That turned out okay. Worth noting that I hardly even cared about cancer at the time.

Let's just say it was a rough time. Three things saved me, I believe, and this is where I get back to you, Scopicaz.

1. Even though my friends and family had no clue of how sh*tty the breakup felt (for all the reasons they don't in general, for most people here), I had a sister and a brother and a good friend who would sit with me. Just sit in front of the TV while I picked at food off a TV tray and cried wordless tears. They stopped asking what was wrong, stopped trying to comfort me, and I stopped trying to explain. I just cried on and off, and when I wasn't crying we talked about other stuff. We even joked and had fun sometimes. But the key was that I let myself be a mess. And when I saw that they would still sit with me, even messy me, I stopped feeling like I had to get them to understand why I was such a mess.

2. I found a really good shrink.

3. And this is the biggie, the reason I hope you will read all that other stuff, Scopicaz: eventually, after 2 months of cat and mouse during the darkest times of my breakup, D saw fit to take offense at something I said and cut me off permanently, with extreme prejudice. Whatever his motives were, it was the biggest kindness he could have done me. Your girl does not seem to be doing this for you. I can't imagine how hard it would have been to cut contact on my own initiative, but it seems, dear Scopi, that you will have to be brave and do it yourself. I have no advice for how to accomplish it, and I am in awe of those who have done it. But you have to do it. I can't imagine how I would ever have gotten where I am today if I were still in contact with D. Nope. No way.

You are not I and I am not you. I don't know your pain. But I know what pain is, and what a motherf*cker desperate lonely hope is. How well are you doing with #1? Can you find people who love you and are tolerant of your crying? Sit with them. Do. Eventually the chatting and joking will overtake the crying. About #2, take stock in your relationship with your T. It might be good, it might not be, you might need to take some other steps on your own before you and your T get out of triage mode, but you do need professional support.

#3, it seems, is all on you. That is scary. You will have to find the strength, though, to cut contact if she won't do it for you.

[tryingsome]

you are strong to admit everything.

All of the advice here is good, but let's get you on track first.

You need to sleep.  Lack of sleep will cause anxiety and depression.

Let's make a plan and stick to it.

Plan:

Monday at work call your primary doctor to get in ASAP for some anxiety medication.

If he is a good doctor he should give you about 20 (Xanax or something similar)

You should take one before you go to bed each night until you fee rested.

I only went through 6 before I was sleeping normally again (just an FYI) The meds are just a temp measure to get you to sleep.

This is important, make sure you go to your doctor. It does not have to be a T. Doctors can give you the meds on the spot usually.


Now the rest:

every Monday come home and clean your house.

Every Tuesday come home and go for a 2 mile walk minimum

ever Wednesday clean your house

Thursday go for a 2 mile walk minimum

Friday - See friends

Saturday clean the house when you get up. Do something you always wanted to do or ha net done for a while.

Sunday. go for a 2 mile walk. church, friends. be social this day.

You need to get on a schedule. Once you start to get back to normal, then you can shift it up a bit. It is important to go for a walk (at least 2 miles). You need to stick to the schedule even if you don't want to until you have yourself again.

After you start the anxiety medication go NC. Block her on FB. If this is after the concert that is fine.

I know this all sounds regimented. Depression is hard. Often you need a firm plan to get out of it.

[tryingsome]

you are strong to admit everything.

All of the advice here is good, but let's get you on track first.

You need to sleep.  Lack of sleep will cause anxiety and depression.

Let's make a plan and stick to it.

Plan:

Monday at work call your primary doctor to get in ASAP for some anxiety medication.

If he is a good doctor he should give you about 20 (Xanax or something similar)

You should take one before you go to bed each night until you feel rested.

I only went through 6 before I was sleeping normally again (just an FYI) The meds are just a temp measure to get you to sleep. And I did take about 4 others when anxiety was running high (after talking to her)

This is important, make sure you go to your doctor. It does not have to be a T. Doctors can give you the meds on the spot usually.


Now the rest:

every Monday come home and clean your house.

Every Tuesday come home and go for a 2 mile walk minimum

ever Wednesday clean your house

Thursday go for a 2 mile walk minimum

Friday - See friends

Saturday clean the house when you get up. Do something you always wanted to do or ha net done for a while.

Sunday. go for a 2 mile walk. church, friends. be social this day.

You need to get on a schedule. Once you start to get back to normal, then you can shift it up a bit. It is important to go for a walk (at least 2 miles or strenuous exercise such as a sport). You need to stick to the schedule even if you don't want to until you have yourself again.

After you start the anxiety medication go NC. Block her on FB. If this is after the concert that is fine.

I know this all sounds regimented. Depression is hard. Often you need a firm plan to get out of it.

[Scopikaz]

Thank you to everyone.

I know I have to go no contact. And Am slowly moving towards that.  Actually it's funny. As part of my prayers I've been praying for God to remove anyone from her life not of him. And that's what's happening to me.  First a couple of months ago her mother blocked me on fact book. Then  a month ago her sister did (who also has big issues - never Had a stable r/s, has moved a few times, probably bi polar, likes to party, has an STD, etc).  I see my ex going that same route sadly.  

But she never texts me, we had at one time discussed another concert or movie perhaps in the future, but she's backed off of those, so really short of the concert next weekend there will be no more reason for me to ever contact her again. I'm viewing this as the last time I will ever see her actually. It'll be a nice dinner. Great concert.   And then she will be out of my life for good.

My virtual no or very low contact I've had the past couple of weeks is preparing me for that. And I sort of think after the concert she will pull back even more. Perhaps block me herself. Not sure. But if she's got a replacement or has met someone she doesn't need to be communicating with me anyhow.

To tell more of my background I don't know why it's so difficult letting go. I never dated anyone of consequence for any length of time growing up. I got married at 27.  Sort of late.  We dated two years including the engagement.

The marriage wasn't perfect.  We were so different. She was from a small town,very religious family.  I always have loved my faith.  Loved God.  But I had multiple affairs in my marriage.  I don't know why. I'm ashamed of it. I never wanted to leave my wife. Even though it wasn't a great marriage. She was my wife.

But she found out about one of the affairs. And we tried counseling.  A year or so later she had an affair.  I didn't kinks it at first.  She said she wanted a divorce.  I took it really hard. Slept out of suitcases a few weeks. Lost weight. Didn't sleep much. Overthought.  Reacted badly. Etc.  but then I found out about her emotional affair that had went on for months.  

So we finally tried to work it out.  Things were better than they had ever been for the next year. So we then reverted back to old habits I guess. A year later she wanted a divorce.  That time while tough I knew it was over.

I dated a year and a half off and on. The first two people were long distance.  Former high school acquaintances.  The first one turned out was a non functioning alcoholic. Didn't fb fb hav a job.  Anyhow I should have ran but continued talking to her for a couple of months.  Eventually that ended. Although surprisingly we are talking now.  She seems better. She's more of a friend now.

The second person it turns out after eight months of weekend visits - turns out she was a gold digger.  But I cared for her and her daughter.  But similAr story.  When I discovered truth about her I should have ran but continued talking a while.

So fast forward to this woman. My ex w likely BPD.  We started out as an affair.  Red flag i know. She didn't have custody of her children.  Red flag.  I was warned about an incident at work where she spoke to HR a few times about her manager.  Red flag. Anyhow. I chose to ignore them. I fell In love with her. I never would have left her either. I wanted to marry her. Still would Sadly.

But I think the thing with my wife and with my ex gf. Neither of them were perfect. They had faults.  Warts. Etc. but I loved and never would have left either one. They just weren't able to reciprocate.  And for me it's hard to leave for something that happened six months or two years earlier.  

Couples break up all the time and then try again. I kept hoping she Was cApable of that.  But she isn't. And let's face it. Once someone goes down the road of bars. Partying. Etc it's a hard road to turn back from too. Just like any addiction or thing that feels good at the time is.

So between her emotional issues. Her getting validated and loved at the bar scene.  There's no need for her to ever come back or contact me again.

I actually have been talking to a woman I went out with two years ago. She knows the story. Has been a good friend.  I don't want to hurt her. But right now I don't totally feel it for her.  Maybe because I'm still in love with my ex

And I talked to and went to dinner with another woman this week. Two plus years ago I met her. But at the time she was only a year out of a divorce as well. And she had issues. anyhow we reconnected. Had dinner this week. She seems nice. But red flags with her.  She told me last night I don't want to date her. She told me she was recently diagnosed with bi polar and hasn't been working.  Been depressed. She said she doesn't think anyone can love her given her diagnosis.  

So I probably should run from her too. Or is it good she told me. Who knows.

I just need to get over my ex. And after the concert next week I see no hope of possibility of ever seeing or talking to he'd again.  Short of a miracle or something tragic happening to her where she needs me.