My Mother is My Patient

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello out there -

This is my first time using a live discussion board, so I hope I do everything correctly!

I reached yet another "tipping point" yesterday.  I prayed hard, googled some phrases and came upon this website.   I have done my own analyzing over the years, but I think I now can pinpoint a diagnosis - BPD.  I am already feeling very grateful for some of the information I've read on this site. 

For me, it's that thing of knowledge=understanding=ability to cope better.

Where do I begin? 

It is my Mother (never diagnosed with BPD).

I love her. I hate her. 

For decades now, I have been in a very complex and painful relationship with her.  She is German and almost 77 years old.  (My father who passed in 2011 is an American.)  My mother was a very beautiful woman who thrived on the attention she received-especially from men.  (She believed this would be her ticket to happiness.) 

She had a difficult childhood -  she lost her father at 5 years old, and then had two stepfathers - 5 siblings in total - she was the oldest.  She has alluded to abuse suffered by the last stepfather - no specific details, but physical and, perhaps, even sexual.    She became a young mother soon after meeting my father and we all spent the formative years living in Germany.  My parents divorced when I was 17.   My boyfriend and I helped to move her out... .this was very difficult for me, but I surely needed to be the "strong" one here - because my father was bringing home his second wife in a matter of weeks.     

There were many times, as a child, I knew something was "wrong" but at such a young age, I couldn't verbalize the "problem."   There was a period of time where I had chronic stomach aches and my extreme shyness prevented me from fully participating in otherwise benign activities with other kids. I believe this was the fallout from my interactions with her.   I remember as a young girl constantly cleaning the house (to please her) and awaiting her arrival home to see how "happy" she would be, often to my disappointment.

At 19 was the first time I remember "counseling" my mother and advising her to seek professional help.  She was suffering emotionally from a romantic breakup.   Over the years, I became her "go to" for all of it.  She was emotionally fragile, on the one hand and on the other -  a personality was developing that was harsh, judgmental, jealous, unforgiving, unhappy, impatient and mean.  Many, many times I silently "suffered" pain and humiliation from her negative comments especially when done in front of other people.   The type of "abuse" she delivered was emotional.  Yet, I always included her in my activities and outings with friends in my late teens and twenties... .she was- in a sense - part of my group.  I'm not sure why I did this - it was a given, I guess.   I used to call her and she would say, "Oh you finally have some time for me?"     WHAT IS THAT?   Awful.  Guilt.

I have walked on those "eggshells" for years... .always trying to make her happy, and sucking up the abuse (and often subtle abuse) trying to understand... .in my 30's I did explode in "rage" a few times after the guilt trips she would put me on... .always jealous of the wonderful (but not perfect) relationship I had with my father.  I began to talk to her less and less about my joyful experiences in life, because her response would rarely sound positive with me, but rather a feeling of "woe is me, I'm bored and I have no fun anymore... .etc"  I often envied my friends who have great, healthy relationships with their mothers.  I have cried (mourned?)about this, too.  When I moved back to the states with my future husband, she lost it and said we were all abandoning her.

At 45, I made a point to myself that I wouldn't tolerate any more of the "garbage"... .it helped me for a while - we didn't speak for 6 months, but my heart would not allow me to continue this way, and she needed to have a relationship with her two grandchildren (my kids ages 5 and 8).

Over the years I have sought out professional help, but either was told to cut off all communication with her or learn how to distance myself and not let it affect me.  I guess I haven't been able to do that.

At 26, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  She has these "conditions," as well. 

She has torn down all bridges to any friends that she had - always finding fault with them - and the few that were hanging on have passed away.  Now her loneliness is extreme and the health problems have set in.    She continues to unload all of the negativity on me through emails and the occasional phone call (maybe once a week, if I can stomach it).   My brother lives with his girlfriend about two hours away and does what he can... .but he has been through the wringer with her, too, and my mother hates his girlfriend (of course!).  If I even gently counter her negativity (as I did yesterday), she "yells" through her email tells me that she has a right to be "down" and I "shouldn't get myself in such a  twist about it - life is difficult when you are old... .wait until you are OLD, you will see what it's like."   Why, thank you for all that encouragement, Mom.     I have never gone to her with any of my "problems."  Why burden her with that, right?

We live continents apart at present, and I do everything to get together once or twice a year (sometimes 4 weeks at a time), but of course it is never enough.  Anticipating a visit makes me irritable and anxious.

I have felt sorry for her, but I am also angry.   I have given her so much of myself and any "thing" I could buy that I thought would make her happy.  Of course, that was foolish.   This person does not "change." 

She plays the "victim" card always.  Rarely has she apologized to me or to others whom she has greatly offended. 

The other thing is she can be such a wonderful friend to people in the beginning - but it always ends torn apart due to her harsh words and criticisms... .people can't deal with it.  People have come to me asking "What's wrong with your mother?"  It is as if she has no "filter."  She just says whatever she wants.

It's painful!  Years ago, I gave her books, talked to her, did everything to help her to understand that THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE... .and she tells me that I always blame her.  I have offered to go with her to seek counseling, made lists of potential doctors... .said I would pay, go in with her, or stay outside and wait, anything she wanted... .all to no avail.   She did seek a counselor very briefly, but decided that she didn't want to dig up childhood memories and all this wouldn't help anyway- it was all too late.

Natually, we have shared some good times, but it is like a rollercoaster - never knowing what her mood will be.   And things are getting worse as time goes on.   I feel vulnerable and I am tired. Very tired.  I have to keep my own depression in check - and she brings me so down.   I have two strong-willed kids who are incredibly active and demanding.  I am trying to be a good role-model - but I am an "older mom" (51), and I often feel like I am just falling apart.

I cry- thinking that I am still feeling the pain and dealing with this "madness"- I thought I had it all under control - but I really don't.  I am not employing any "tools."  I just try to be patient and not feed into it.  Thank goodness my great husband heard me out last night, but I couldn't wait to write down my thoughts and experiences here today.  I could say more, but will pause and look forward to any response from you. 

Thanks in advance.   :'(

[ButtonNose]

Hello out there -

This is my first time using a live discussion board, so I hope I do everything correctly!

I reached yet another "tipping point" yesterday.  I prayed hard, googled some phrases and came upon this website.   I have done my own analyzing over the years, but I think I now can pinpoint a diagnosis - BPD.  I am already feeling very grateful for some of the information I've read on this site. 

For me, it's that thing of knowledge=understanding=ability to cope better.

Where do I begin? 

It is my Mother (never diagnosed with BPD).

I love her. I hate her. 

For decades now, I have been in a very complex and painful relationship with her.  She is German and almost 77 years old.  (My father who passed in 2011 is an American.)  My mother was a very beautiful woman who thrived on the attention she received-especially from men.  (She believed this would be her ticket to happiness.) 

She had a difficult childhood -  she lost her father at 5 years old, and then had two stepfathers - 5 siblings in total - she was the oldest.  She has alluded to abuse suffered by the last stepfather - no specific details, but physical and, perhaps, even sexual.    She became a young mother soon after meeting my father and we all spent the formative years living in Germany.  My parents divorced when I was 17.   My boyfriend and I helped to move her out... .this was very difficult for me, but I surely needed to be the "strong" one here - because my father was bringing home his second wife in a matter of weeks.     

There were many times, as a child, I knew something was "wrong" but at such a young age, I couldn't verbalize the "problem."   There was a period of time where I had chronic stomach aches and my extreme shyness prevented me from fully participating in otherwise benign activities with other kids. I believe this was the fallout from my interactions with her.   I remember as a young girl constantly cleaning the house (to please her) and awaiting her arrival home to see how "happy" she would be, often to my disappointment.

At 19 was the first time I remember "counseling" my mother and advising her to seek professional help.  She was suffering emotionally from a romantic breakup.   Over the years, I became her "go to" for all of it.  She was emotionally fragile, on the one hand and on the other -  a personality was developing that was harsh, judgmental, jealous, unforgiving, unhappy, impatient and mean.  Many, many times I silently "suffered" pain and humiliation from her negative comments especially when done in front of other people.   The type of "abuse" she delivered was emotional.  Yet, I always included her in my activities and outings with friends in my late teens and twenties... .she was- in a sense - part of my group.  I'm not sure why I did this - it was a given, I guess.   I used to call her and she would say, "Oh you finally have some time for me?"     WHAT IS THAT?   Awful.  Guilt.

I have walked on those "eggshells" for years... .always trying to make her happy, and sucking up the abuse (and often subtle abuse) trying to understand... .in my 30's I did explode in "rage" a few times after the guilt trips she would put me on... .always jealous of the wonderful (but not perfect) relationship I had with my father.  I began to talk to her less and less about my joyful experiences in life, because her response would rarely sound positive with me, but rather a feeling of "woe is me, I'm bored and I have no fun anymore... .etc"  I often envied my friends who have great, healthy relationships with their mothers.  I have cried (mourned?)about this, too.  When I moved back to the states with my future husband, she lost it and said we were all abandoning her.

At 45, I made a point to myself that I wouldn't tolerate any more of the "garbage"... .it helped me for a while - we didn't speak for 6 months, but my heart would not allow me to continue this way, and she needed to have a relationship with her two grandchildren (my kids ages 5 and 8).

Over the years I have sought out professional help, but either was told to cut off all communication with her or learn how to distance myself and not let it affect me.  I guess I haven't been able to do that.

At 26, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  She has these "conditions," as well. 

She has torn down all bridges to any friends that she had - always finding fault with them - and the few that were hanging on have passed away.  Now her loneliness is extreme and the health problems have set in.    She continues to unload all of the negativity on me through emails and the occasional phone call (maybe once a week, if I can stomach it).   My brother lives with his girlfriend about two hours away and does what he can... .but he has been through the wringer with her, too, and my mother hates his girlfriend (of course!).  If I even gently counter her negativity (as I did yesterday), she "yells" through her email tells me that she has a right to be "down" and I "shouldn't get myself in such a  twist about it - life is difficult when you are old... .wait until you are OLD, you will see what it's like."   Why, thank you for all that encouragement, Mom.     I have never gone to her with any of my "problems."  Why burden her with that, right?

We live continents apart at present, and I do everything to get together once or twice a year (sometimes 4 weeks at a time), but of course it is never enough.  Anticipating a visit makes me irritable and anxious.

I have felt sorry for her, but I am also angry.   I have given her so much of myself and any "thing" I could buy that I thought would make her happy.  Of course, that was foolish.   This person does not "change." 

She plays the "victim" card always.  Rarely has she apologized to me or to others whom she has greatly offended. 

The other thing is she can be such a wonderful friend to people in the beginning - but it always ends torn apart due to her harsh words and criticisms... .people can't deal with it.  People have come to me asking "What's wrong with your mother?"  It is as if she has no "filter."  She just says whatever she wants.

It's painful!  Years ago, I gave her books, talked to her, did everything to help her to understand that THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE... .and she tells me that I always blame her.  I have offered to go with her to seek counseling, made lists of potential doctors... .said I would pay, go in with her, or stay outside and wait, anything she wanted... .all to no avail.   She did seek a counselor very briefly, but decided that she didn't want to dig up childhood memories and all this wouldn't help anyway- it was all too late.

Natually, we have shared some good times, but it is like a rollercoaster - never knowing what her mood will be.   And things are getting worse as time goes on.   I feel vulnerable and I am tired. Very tired.  I have to keep my own depression in check - and she brings me so down.   I have two strong-willed kids who are incredibly active and demanding.  I am trying to be a good role-model - but I am an "older mom" (51), and I often feel like I am just falling apart.

I cry- thinking that I am still feeling the pain and dealing with this "madness"- I thought I had it all under control - but I really don't.  I am not employing any "tools."  I just try to be patient and not feed into it.  Thank goodness my great husband heard me out last night, but I couldn't wait to write down my thoughts and experiences here today.  I could say more, but will pause and look forward to any response from you. 

Thanks in advance.   :'(

[Kwamina]

Hi ButtonNose

Great that you've taken this first step and shared your story with us! Welcome to our online community  Many of our members have a BPD parent and know how very tough this can be and how much this can affect you, also in your adult life.

Though you live on different continents which creates a physical boundary, you still struggle with your mother's behavior. Dealing with hostile or negative e-mails or phone calls isn't pleasant either. Do you generally feel comfortabel setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your mother? Also when it's about e-mail and telephone communications?

Many children of BPD parents have found themselves struggling with things such as depression and anxiety in their adult lives. Over the years you've sought out professional help for your own issues. Are you currently still getting help from any professional?

I encourage you to take a look at the resources in the right-hand side margin of this message board. We have a Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse that you might find helpful. It unfortunately isn't very likely that your mother will change, but there are things you can do to heal yourself and better cope with the situation. When you look at the Survivors' Guide, are there any areas listed there that you currently find yourself struggling on and/or would like to work on?

Take care

[ButtonNose]

Hi-

I thought I had set up boundaries by verbally telling her that I couldn't take her unloading on me all the time - that I had my own issues to deal with, but that I (and my brother) would Always be there to support her - in any way... .I have told her this many, many, times (in addition to giving advice, etc... .)

Somehow we continue to slip into the old cycle, however, and I become her only sounding board.

At present - because I didn't respond "enthusiastically" to her visiting us for 3 1/2 weeks this July and because I mentioned that it would be "wise" for her have a plan set in place if she "can't leave the house anymore" (due to age-related complications), I am now getting the total silent treatment from her.  (Selfishly, maybe this is a good thing? - But I do worry and will always be concerned... )

She doesn't understand what kinds of decisions she should be making or how she should Try to live her life - never has... .She said that my brother will take care of her when the time comes and then he will put her in a "home" (senior home). 

She said that she "would be alone and die alone, and guesses she better accept that fact."     

To me this is just so harsh and in a way cruel to me and brother who "love" her and want to do the best for her.    Doesn't she realize that this kind of talk (and there has been plently more) hurts us in many different ways? 

But it's nothing new to us, for sure.

I think I just need to accept this kind of behavior once and for all and deal with it - like get over it and move on?  Very hard to do... .

After asking her "what's going on, what's wrong?" -She replied (via email) that  "I shouldn't get myself so worked up," and, once again, she related that I have "no idea how hard it is to get old and be alone, etc... ."     

So, there has been no communication since last Friday.  She is probably going about her routine, while I am constantly thinking of how/when we are going to get ourselves out of this one... .again!

I just feel like she reaches these peaks of dissatisfaction with her life - let's me know all about it, and then I tip - Her latest major (negative) event was that she has to have all of her upper teeth pulled - she probably won't have implants because of her brain aneurysm... .(this news was devastating to her-having teeth pulled, but she has known of it for a while and has been putting off the procedure).   

While I told her I completely understand her fear and sent her a slew of articles on the subject, this will be a difficult turning point for her.   So her mood sinks - and all the woes of life spew out on me... .because - in her words - she "doesn't have a husband, so who else should she talk to?"   

It just gets me so down and sets me into my own depression - which I try very hard to control.  It's like I get to become a part of her misery (Oh, misery loves company, right?)  I should blame myself for allowing this to happen... .!

I feel somewhat comfortable setting boundaries, but when I do she takes total offense - puts more blame on me that I don't understand - and then no contact.  (She cut off contact with my brother for a year a while ago - she hurt him very much by doing this.)

I am currently not getting professional help at all - to deal with this - I am taking medication for depression which helps a bit, but other than that - nothing.   

I guess the things I need to work on are finding some good resources (books) that deal directly with this problem, and also work on developing a more positive image of myself (one that I can stick to!).   

Over the years, I had weird paranoid feelings that people "didn't like me" and that I was constantly being judged.  I was very insecure.    (Ironically, people often said how "strong" and "positive" I was... .I think I just became very adept at faking it! Ha!)

[GreenGlit]

Wow - I don't even know how to start with this post. I feel so many similar things. Welcome to the board - you're certainly not alone here.

I'm younger than you (just 27 years old), but I have a very similar relationship with my mother who is in her late 60s. Similar childhood. When I think back on it, most of it was consumed with obsessive efforts to please my emotionally labile mother, to make her happy. Like you, I was blamed and burdened with her feelings. I was both at fault for her emotions and at the same time never able to control them. What a difficult way to grow up - I know. I became obsessed with nuances of her behavior, trying to see what was coming next, and tried harder and harder until I was a shell of myself, just an extension of someone who never could understand how cruel it was to bring a child in the world so that she could give herself up for someone incapable of unconditionally loving them.

I also moved away - out of the state - to pursue my career. She encouraged me to live my life, but resented I didn't choose to live it for her. A lose/lose at every turn. I have also tried to cut contact with my mom, but my heart also can't take it. I also see a therapist who pushes me to limit contact. Bottom line is that our brains developed in an environment where we were expected to fill in the emotional holes of our mother's lives. You can't undo how your brain is wired - all you can do is find better habits and think through things in a logical way that takes steps towards your own happiness.

Feeling sorry and feeling angry. I love her. I hate her. What simple and powerful language. Understanding your mother's suffering and pitying her state of being, but also resenting that she couldn't do better by you. The first is due to your upbringing that says you need to always understand your mother. The second from your own independent self who hates how your mother held you back emotionally and socially.

I also tried to get my mom into therapy. She would talk to me about her marriage problems. She would even ask me if I thought she should get a divorce. From my own father. When I was 10. What a thing to burden a child with... .but that's the mind of someone who is profoundly mentally ill. It is illogical, and confused, and twisted. It is pain and anger. It is blaming the world for the problems you create yourself. I know how hard it is to understand so fundamentally the dark and painful world our mothers live in, and at the same time choose our own paths because we are committed to being happy.

You mentioned about things getting worse as time goes on. I have experienced that too, especially after my mother retired. My shrink says that like any mental illness, the disorganized thoughts get worse with old age and with lack of structure and schedule. My mother is declining and it is incredibly difficult to manage. I feel more obligated to help, and at the same time feel an incredible urge to run away. It seems like you feel this too.

Nothing can ever fill the hole that our mothers left in our lives. What we can do, though, is work hard in our own lives to remind ourselves that we are loved by many, even if the one we want the most can't give us what we deserve. Building a strong foundation of friends and family - not just blood, but the family I choose - helps remind me that my life is good and my choices are good and I am good. And I am not an evil person for wanting happiness and peace in my life. I hope you keep fighting for that too.

[nowitmakessense]

 I know it's really hard to have a mother with BPD, and I just wanted to say that a lot of the experiences you wrote about felt familiar, and that helps me to understand that this disorder is a real thing.  Knowing that helps me to forgive, and to understand.  So, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story here, and to send you my best wishes for your well being. Try to take good care of yourself and give yourself some of the love that you did not get from your mother.   

[ButtonNose]

Thanks for the feedback.

It helps to know that there are others who understand.

I am now getting the complete silent treatment due to our last "exchange of words." 

I am really hesitant to make the first step toward communication, because I am enjoying these past few

days of No Negativity-etc... .however, I wonder how she is doing.  I know she is deeply lonely. 

But the loneliness is her own doing! She has pushed everyone away! No one can deal with her.  Why

doesn't she realize this?   It is beyond frustrating and sad.   My bro and I often discuss how she had so many wonderful opportunities with people... .but all failed.   He and I are really the only "faithful" ones who are sticking by her side.

The willingness to help is there, but I do sometimes want to run away from it all - once and for all

(as per Greenlit).

It is good that you have recognized so much, so soon, in your relationship with your mother.   

I am really sorry that at only 10 years old you had to deal with your parents divorce issue - really?

It makes me angry to think about it!  You were a little girl! 

No one should have to "parent" their parent!

I would continue with the professional support and definitely find ways NOW on how to deal... .I mean, I am almost twice your age and it still affects me too much.   Don't let that happen! 

I have had moments of sympathy and great understanding for my mother - she never learned any coping skills, she was never able to finish school due to the war, she lost her father, there were no role models, etc... .And then I would think, but wait - as an adult you should process and move forward (i.e. Not burden a child with Your Problems... .)   But this type of dysfunctional personality is a mental illness, no doubt, and unless you seek outside help, I'm not sure you can change on your own terms (?).

Yes, after some bad decisions and wrong turns in life, I have created some happiness for myself with great friendships, a career, and my own family.  No doubt this has sustained me.