Hello out there -
This is my first time using a live discussion board, so I hope I do everything correctly!
I reached yet another "tipping point" yesterday. I prayed hard, googled some phrases and came upon this website. I have done my own analyzing over the years, but I think I now can pinpoint a diagnosis - BPD. I am already feeling very grateful for some of the information I've read on this site.
For me, it's that thing of knowledge=understanding=ability to cope better.
Where do I begin?
It is my Mother (never diagnosed with BPD).
I love her. I hate her.
For decades now, I have been in a very complex and painful relationship with her. She is German and almost 77 years old. (My father who passed in 2011 is an American.) My mother was a very beautiful woman who thrived on the attention she received-especially from men. (She believed this would be her ticket to happiness.)
She had a difficult childhood - she lost her father at 5 years old, and then had two stepfathers - 5 siblings in total - she was the oldest. She has alluded to abuse suffered by the last stepfather - no specific details, but physical and, perhaps, even sexual. She became a young mother soon after meeting my father and we all spent the formative years living in Germany. My parents divorced when I was 17. My boyfriend and I helped to move her out... .this was very difficult for me, but I surely needed to be the "strong" one here - because my father was bringing home his second wife in a matter of weeks.
There were many times, as a child, I knew something was "wrong" but at such a young age, I couldn't verbalize the "problem." There was a period of time where I had chronic stomach aches and my extreme shyness prevented me from fully participating in otherwise benign activities with other kids. I believe this was the fallout from my interactions with her. I remember as a young girl constantly cleaning the house (to please her) and awaiting her arrival home to see how "happy" she would be, often to my disappointment.
At 19 was the first time I remember "counseling" my mother and advising her to seek professional help. She was suffering emotionally from a romantic breakup. Over the years, I became her "go to" for all of it. She was emotionally fragile, on the one hand and on the other - a personality was developing that was harsh, judgmental, jealous, unforgiving, unhappy, impatient and mean. Many, many times I silently "suffered" pain and humiliation from her negative comments especially when done in front of other people. The type of "abuse" she delivered was emotional. Yet, I always included her in my activities and outings with friends in my late teens and twenties... .she was- in a sense - part of my group. I'm not sure why I did this - it was a given, I guess. I used to call her and she would say, "Oh you finally have some time for me?" WHAT IS THAT? Awful. Guilt.
I have walked on those "eggshells" for years... .always trying to make her happy, and sucking up the abuse (and often subtle abuse) trying to understand... .in my 30's I did explode in "rage" a few times after the guilt trips she would put me on... .always jealous of the wonderful (but not perfect) relationship I had with my father. I began to talk to her less and less about my joyful experiences in life, because her response would rarely sound positive with me, but rather a feeling of "woe is me, I'm bored and I have no fun anymore... .etc" I often envied my friends who have great, healthy relationships with their mothers. I have cried (mourned?)about this, too. When I moved back to the states with my future husband, she lost it and said we were all abandoning her.
At 45, I made a point to myself that I wouldn't tolerate any more of the "garbage"... .it helped me for a while - we didn't speak for 6 months, but my heart would not allow me to continue this way, and she needed to have a relationship with her two grandchildren (my kids ages 5 and 8).
Over the years I have sought out professional help, but either was told to cut off all communication with her or learn how to distance myself and not let it affect me. I guess I haven't been able to do that.
At 26, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She has these "conditions," as well.
She has torn down all bridges to any friends that she had - always finding fault with them - and the few that were hanging on have passed away. Now her loneliness is extreme and the health problems have set in. She continues to unload all of the negativity on me through emails and the occasional phone call (maybe once a week, if I can stomach it). My brother lives with his girlfriend about two hours away and does what he can... .but he has been through the wringer with her, too, and my mother hates his girlfriend (of course!). If I even gently counter her negativity (as I did yesterday), she "yells" through her email tells me that she has a right to be "down" and I "shouldn't get myself in such a twist about it - life is difficult when you are old... .wait until you are OLD, you will see what it's like." Why, thank you for all that encouragement, Mom. I have never gone to her with any of my "problems." Why burden her with that, right?
We live continents apart at present, and I do everything to get together once or twice a year (sometimes 4 weeks at a time), but of course it is never enough. Anticipating a visit makes me irritable and anxious.
I have felt sorry for her, but I am also angry. I have given her so much of myself and any "thing" I could buy that I thought would make her happy. Of course, that was foolish. This person does not "change."
She plays the "victim" card always. Rarely has she apologized to me or to others whom she has greatly offended.
The other thing is she can be such a wonderful friend to people in the beginning - but it always ends torn apart due to her harsh words and criticisms... .people can't deal with it. People have come to me asking "What's wrong with your mother?" It is as if she has no "filter." She just says whatever she wants.
It's painful! Years ago, I gave her books, talked to her, did everything to help her to understand that THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE... .and she tells me that I always blame her. I have offered to go with her to seek counseling, made lists of potential doctors... .said I would pay, go in with her, or stay outside and wait, anything she wanted... .all to no avail. She did seek a counselor very briefly, but decided that she didn't want to dig up childhood memories and all this wouldn't help anyway- it was all too late.
Natually, we have shared some good times, but it is like a rollercoaster - never knowing what her mood will be. And things are getting worse as time goes on. I feel vulnerable and I am tired. Very tired. I have to keep my own depression in check - and she brings me so down. I have two strong-willed kids who are incredibly active and demanding. I am trying to be a good role-model - but I am an "older mom" (51), and I often feel like I am just falling apart.
I cry- thinking that I am
still feeling the pain and dealing with this "madness"- I thought I had it all under control - but I really don't. I am not employing any "tools." I just try to be patient and not feed into it. Thank goodness my great husband heard me out last night, but I couldn't wait to write down my thoughts and experiences here today. I could say more, but will pause and look forward to any response from you.
Thanks in advance. :'(
