Just my feelings in one of those low days

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It’s been a long time since I posted but I am on the boards everyday reading as much as I can trying to lessen the pain and hurt I am feeling. A short version of my story is this… I met my ex bf online. He was from a neighboring country so our r/s was long distant. We were together for 9 months and had 3 recycles during that time. I thought I had found the love of my life. He was certain I was his. I can usually keep my feet on the ground but with him I just couldn’t. He was so expressive and open and loving and I just went along. I was never the type to fall in love easily. It scared me to listen to him express his feelings so early on but what scared me more was that I felt it back. I couldn’t rationalize it… I just felt it and ended up letting go of my guards and feeling blessed to have this happen to me…

Very early on I had realized that he was a very insecure person. He had talked to me about his relationship with his parents as well as about his ex girlfriend who he was very much in love with but cheated on him and I explained his insecurities with those. Deep inside I knew that he wasn’t the kind of person that I should be with because knowing myself, I would be lost in this relationship. I knew it would be all about him and I would neglect my own needs, but that didn’t stop me. There was no way I would leave this man. I believed with all my heart that I was able to make him feel secure with me and free to enjoy our relationship. I was so wrong…

The break ups came out of nowhere. I didn’t know what to believe or what to do… I don’t think I have to explain how I felt. Everybody here unfortunately knows firsthand. Every time he would come back and apologize and cry and promise me the world. I couldn’t let go. After each recycle more and more of the common behaviors described in this forum were present. Push/pulls, silent treatments, gaslightings, triangulations, everything. He told me so many times that I am the one who has to let go because I would struggle with him. I didn’t listen… He never said he stopped loving me. On the contrary, it was like he was even more in love every time we would get back together. I kept explaining his behaviors to him. He agreed with everything, he was admitting to being wrong and promising to make it work THIS TIME. Only this time never came… Our last break up happened a week after I left his place... .I was lost, confused devastated… I remember asking in this forum if his behavior seemed like BPD cause I was sure there was no cheating. One of the members told me “if you are so sure that he hasn’t been cheating on you, think again!” I found it harsh but it got me thinking and decided to do some digging… and then the devastating news came up… He is married and has two kids…

I confronted him about it. After days of refusing and lying he finally admitted it. To this day he insists that he s separated but only stays at his family house one or two times a week for his kids. I don’t believe him of course… Should I even begin to describe how I felt? I don’t think it’s necessary… Last time we talked was two and a half weeks ago where he tried to recycle. I said no. I still haven’t gotten the courage to block him on everything so I am getting his messages but I am not responding. Last text I got from him was a week ago where he was telling me how much he is hurting. I wish he knew how much I am hurting and how difficult it is for me to not respond…

The last break up happened end of November… I am clearly in a better place than I was back then but I still have my very low days. Like these two last couple of days. This break up is nothing like any other break up I have ever had. I went through all different phases and I honestly don’t know what hurts me more… the loss of him, the loss of the relationship, the loss of my expectations and hopes, the deceit, the disappointment… I don’t know… I went through a phase where I felt I was just plainly fooled, then another phase where I wanted answers; another where I needed validation about my feelings and his… and so many more… it has been draining.

I came to peace with a lot of things by being on this page. I don’t know if I am still in denial but my conclusion is that he did love me. Just in his own terms… The BPD kind of love. Cause that’s all he could give me.

I don’t really know what I am looking for with this post. I feel SO lonely these days. Even though we were long distant I felt his presence much more intensely that I have ever felt with anybody before. I know I will grow from this experience eventually but right now I feel like it has affected me negatively in so many different ways. These last couple of days I feel so much anxiety for the fact that I am almost 36 and single. I know I shouldn’t but that’s the way I feel right now… I thought I had found true love… Little did I know…

Thanks for listening. I wish a harmless recovery to all of us.  

[Penelope35]

It’s been a long time since I posted but I am on the boards everyday reading as much as I can trying to lessen the pain and hurt I am feeling. A short version of my story is this… I met my ex bf online. He was from a neighboring country so our r/s was long distant. We were together for 9 months and had 3 recycles during that time. I thought I had found the love of my life. He was certain I was his. I can usually keep my feet on the ground but with him I just couldn’t. He was so expressive and open and loving and I just went along. I was never the type to fall in love easily. It scared me to listen to him express his feelings so early on but what scared me more was that I felt it back. I couldn’t rationalize it… I just felt it and ended up letting go of my guards and feeling blessed to have this happen to me…

Very early on I had realized that he was a very insecure person. He had talked to me about his relationship with his parents as well as about his ex girlfriend who he was very much in love with but cheated on him and I explained his insecurities with those. Deep inside I knew that he wasn’t the kind of person that I should be with because knowing myself, I would be lost in this relationship. I knew it would be all about him and I would neglect my own needs, but that didn’t stop me. There was no way I would leave this man. I believed with all my heart that I was able to make him feel secure with me and free to enjoy our relationship. I was so wrong…

The break ups came out of nowhere. I didn’t know what to believe or what to do… I don’t think I have to explain how I felt. Everybody here unfortunately knows firsthand. Every time he would come back and apologize and cry and promise me the world. I couldn’t let go. After each recycle more and more of the common behaviors described in this forum were present. Push/pulls, silent treatments, gaslightings, triangulations, everything. He told me so many times that I am the one who has to let go because I would struggle with him. I didn’t listen… He never said he stopped loving me. On the contrary, it was like he was even more in love every time we would get back together. I kept explaining his behaviors to him. He agreed with everything, he was admitting to being wrong and promising to make it work THIS TIME. Only this time never came… Our last break up happened a week after I left his place... .I was lost, confused devastated… I remember asking in this forum if his behavior seemed like BPD cause I was sure there was no cheating. One of the members told me “if you are so sure that he hasn’t been cheating on you, think again!” I found it harsh but it got me thinking and decided to do some digging… and then the devastating news came up… He is married and has two kids…

I confronted him about it. After days of refusing and lying he finally admitted it. To this day he insists that he s separated but only stays at his family house one or two times a week for his kids. I don’t believe him of course… Should I even begin to describe how I felt? I don’t think it’s necessary… Last time we talked was two and a half weeks ago where he tried to recycle. I said no. I still haven’t gotten the courage to block him on everything so I am getting his messages but I am not responding. Last text I got from him was a week ago where he was telling me how much he is hurting. I wish he knew how much I am hurting and how difficult it is for me to not respond…

The last break up happened end of November… I am clearly in a better place than I was back then but I still have my very low days. Like these two last couple of days. This break up is nothing like any other break up I have ever had. I went through all different phases and I honestly don’t know what hurts me more… the loss of him, the loss of the relationship, the loss of my expectations and hopes, the deceit, the disappointment… I don’t know… I went through a phase where I felt I was just plainly fooled, then another phase where I wanted answers; another where I needed validation about my feelings and his… and so many more… it has been draining.

I came to peace with a lot of things by being on this page. I don’t know if I am still in denial but my conclusion is that he did love me. Just in his own terms… The BPD kind of love. Cause that’s all he could give me.

I don’t really know what I am looking for with this post. I feel SO lonely these days. Even though we were long distant I felt his presence much more intensely that I have ever felt with anybody before. I know I will grow from this experience eventually but right now I feel like it has affected me negatively in so many different ways. These last couple of days I feel so much anxiety for the fact that I am almost 36 and single. I know I shouldn’t but that’s the way I feel right now… I thought I had found true love… Little did I know…

Thanks for listening. I wish a harmless recovery to all of us.  

[steelwork]

It's really too much to wrap your head around. When stuff like this happens you need to be so vigilant and careful with your soul. You know, try not to lose faith in people.

I know you know 36 is very young. I read something in some dumb woman's magazine ages ago that stuck with me. The writer talked about seeing a picture of herself 10 years earlier and thinking, That person was so young! And she remembered feeling old when the picture was taken. So that's something I do: when I feel old, I imagine myself at 60 looking at a picture of myself as I am now (at 50), and for a bit I feel I'm in the prime of life. This might not work at 36, since you would not have felt old at 26... .but still, try it.

Then I go back to noticing that I'm invisible to men now unless I dress up like a hooker. Oh well. But you're a lot younger than me.

[Penelope35]

Thanks for replying steelwork. I know I am over emotional these days and you know how that goes... .everything seems more difficult and bigger of a problem.

I miss him so much though... .Do you think I am wrong in believing thay he did love me? I feel like that was true. Maybe the only truth in this situation. Of course that's not the kind of love I want but I do believe that... .I felt it.

I don't know exactly what his family situation is right now and will never find out but I don't think he is in a happy marriage. I know this info is irrelevant for my healing but I find it impossible to not think about what was true and what was not...

[blackbirdsong]

Thanks for replying steelwork. I know I am over emotional these days and you know how that goes... .everything seems more difficult and bigger of a problem.

I miss him so much though... .Do you think I am wrong in believing thay he did love me? I feel like that was true. Maybe the only truth in this situation. Of course that's not the kind of love I want but I do believe that... .I felt it.

I don't know exactly what his family situation is right now and will never find out but I don't think he is in a happy marriage. I know this info is irrelevant for my healing but I find it impossible to not think about what was true and what was not...

That is part of our thinking, I am not even 30 and I think that I am too old for not being in committed r/s.

[Penelope35]

That is part of our thinking, I am not even 30 and I think that I am too old for not being in committed r/s.

Oh I hate having to worry about that right now!

[steelwork]

I miss him so much though... .Do you think I am wrong in believing thay he did love me? I feel like that was true. Maybe the only truth in this situation. Of course that's not the kind of love I want but I do believe that... .I felt it.

I don't know exactly what his family situation is right now and will never find out but I don't think he is in a happy marriage. I know this info is irrelevant for my healing but I find it impossible to not think about what was true and what was not...

I 100% understand. And I don't know him, of course, but I believe he loved you. Unless he was a sociopath, he loved you. You know that whole feelings = facts business. It was his feelings for you that made it possible to tolerate his own lies. The feelings were true. That's what I think.

[Penelope35]

Thanks steelwork. It's just  sad that we get to question the feelings of people who at some point made us feel on top of the world... .

[steelwork]

Thanks steelwork. It's just  sad that we get to question the feelings of people who at some point made us feel on top of the world... .

I know. I really do.

I want to say something more. The love was true not because you need it to be true, but because it was. You didn't imagine what passed between you. That really happened. There were just too many other forces at play. Mental illness, infidelity, lack of availability in one way or another.

Now you have to deal with what the loss of him means. D's love made me feel like I mattered, like I was lovable. There's some primitive emotional math at work that makes me feel like if the love is removed then so is the part where I matter. Pretty scary.

I've been reading the essays on the voicelessness.com site that GreenEyedMonster told us about. This is one called "The Four Questions."

---

There are three questions that I hear repeatedly in my work as a therapist:  Who (or what) am I?  o I have any value?  Why doesn’t anybody see or hear me?  Sometimes there is a fourth question:  Why should I live?  These are not intellectual questions to be discussed with a glass of wine over dinner; they are deadly serious and come directly from the heart, and they reflect a primordial experience of the world separate from problem solving and reason.  

[skipping ahead in the essay]

Why, for some people, do the four questions emerge after trauma or loss? Because in the subtext of the parent-child relationship, these questions were never adequately answered.  Or if they were answered, the message was:  you don’t exist for me, you have always been a burden, or you exist for limited reasons having to do with my own psychological needs.  Lacking satisfactory answers, the person can spend their whole life erecting props-ways they can validate their very existence.  They do this through relationships, career success, self-aggrandizement, obsessive or controlling behavior, drug or alcohol use, or other ways (I will talk about all of these in later articles).   Loss or trauma causes the props to fall, and instead of tumbling to a sturdy stone foundation (“I had a bad time or bad luck, but I’m basically O.K.”), people slide into a vortex of terror, shame, and worthlessness.

---

Whaddaya think? It makes a whole lot of sense to me.

Herein lies that famous "gift"--if those questions are emerging now (even if you haven't named them as such), maybe you have a window of opportunity to address them.

[Penelope35]

Sorry steelwork a friend came over but I will read your message and reply as soon as she goes.

[Penelope35]

It definetely makes a lot of sense to me too... .The thing is, I kind of knew all along why I got so attatched to him, why I neglected all the red flags and why it hurt and still hurts so much to let go... .I was in therapy while I was with him and lots of those things were worded out all along. But it was almost as if nothing could slow down my emotions... .I now realize I still have lots of work to do with my self. That was a great part of the article which gave more food for thought and processing. I didn't know of this site but I will definetely look it up!

Thank you so much

[lingering]

Hi,

I think this is another dialectic.  He loved you.  You loved him AND can not tolerate his behavior.  It is spirit robbing... .it will get better. 

[Penelope35]

Hi,

I think this is another dialectic.  He loved you.  You loved him AND can not tolerate his behavior.  It is spirit robbing... .it will get better. 

"Spirit robbing" indeed... .It's just too heavy some times. Thank you

[bschooled]

I have to be honest. For a while now I have been following both of your stories (not in a creepy way), because of the many similarities to my own. Penelope35, our stories are so similar it's eerie. My ex even had a wife and two kids as well. Although I did know about that from the beginning, what I didn't realize was that he was still keeping his wife around as a back up, and would go back to the relationship every time we broke up.

Steelwork, I want to say that I truly appreciate your posts. For the last few days I've been punishing myself, obsessing over whether or not the love we had was real. The realization that it could have been all in my head has been almost as painful as the breakup itself.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you both for sharing. Even though I haven't participated in your posts, I feel grateful when I read them.

[steelwork]

bschooled, thanks so much for your kind words. I'll look for your posts, too. Please don't beat yourself up. 

[Penelope35]

I have to be honest. For a while now I have been following both of your stories (not in a creepy way), because of the many similarities to my own. Penelope35, our stories are so similar it's eerie. My ex even had a wife and two kids as well. Although I did know about that from the beginning, what I didn't realize was that he was still keeping his wife around as a back up, and would go back to the relationship every time we broke up.

Steelwork, I want to say that I truly appreciate your posts. For the last few days I've been punishing myself, obsessing over whether or not the love we had was real. The realization that it could have been all in my head has been almost as painful as the breakup itself.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you both for sharing. Even though I haven't participated in your posts, I feel grateful when I read them.

Hi bschooled! I have been following people's stories too even though I don't always participate. Isn't it amazing how you read some people's stories and you know exactly how they felt or how they are feeling? Cause you've been there. I feel like people in this forum understand my pain much more that anyone else in my real life does. I am sorry that you had to go through something similar to mine.

I never found out what the relationship with his wife is but I have been creating my own scenarios... .The thing is that, I knew about a previous relationship of his so I know for a fact that he had left his house for about two years before. Most probably he returned to his wife after that was over. He was swearing that he didn't have any physical or emotional connection with her. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. I will never know for sure. The few things that make me think that maybe that's true is the fact that we were talking non-stop which I consider difficult to do when you are in a normal and healthy marriage, plus the fact that I had met some friends and coworkers of his who by no means ever made me feel like I was his affair. It was like everybody was acknowledging me and what we had... .I don't know and I will never for sure. It just sucks how you are left questioning everything.

Anyway, you see, I am doing it again... .going over everything and trying to get to conclusions. I can totally understand what you mean when you say the realization that it could have been all in your head is as painful as the breakup itself. I think I find some more peace when I think about it this way: unfortunately I have to question almost everything about a man and a relationship that I considered special. I also have to process the fact that everything was based on lies. BUT I feel like I shouldn't question his feelings. Cause at the time they were expressed they were real. It was BPD love, which I don't need because it brought me to knees, but it was love. I don't know if this is me being in denial but that's the way I feel.  

[bschooled]

I don't really know the dynamics of my ex and his wife's relationship either. I do know that she's got more issues than my ex does, narcissism and emotional manipulation dictate her actions. I went to school with her so I know her outside of their relationship. She stalked us when we first started dating and would send me texts saying how awful of a person my ex was. I refused to engage, which made her even more angry. That's probably why it was even harder for me to let go, I know she uses his illness against him in order to keep him under her thumb. The idea that he would go back to someone who says such horrible things about him is a testament to his own self-hatred.

Like you, my ex would constantly come back declaring his love and promising things would be different. (I know that if I wasn't forcing myself to go no contact he would come running back again). But when you aren't able to trust that you deserve love and spend over half your life (they started dating in high school) with someone who has dictated your self worth, old patterns die hard.

[bschooled]

Um, I just read this and I'm not sure what my point was.

Regardless, I just wanted you to know that I understand exactly what you're feeling. Painfully so.

[Penelope35]

Your point is very clear to me bschooled. I can relate to what you are saying and what you are feeling.

You want to know another similarity in our stories? My ex told me he met his wife in highschool too. Supposedly they had broken up when they graduated but met again after some years and fell back in love and got married soon after. The case of my ex as well as your case where your ex used to go back to his wife everytime you two would break up give more proof to the fact that it is impossible for some of them to let go of their attachments. And as long as we are around to feed their needs they will never totally let go.

I hope you are in a good place with your healing