Hello,
I left my uBPD husband this week. I am reading the leaving pages. I read through Lesson 1 and it has 3 questions for me to answer:Questions/Exercises:
◾Post on the leaving board: What is your story?
I am a soon to be divorced female, age 50. I met my husband when I was his addiction therapist. I felt like he was the true love of my life. So tender and kind and honest. He was recovering from meth addiction, had been homeless, was getting his life together. He had many prior suicide attempts and serious disabilities. Hi ex-wives were cruel. Go figure. He used again, came to my office suicidal and I took him to the hospital. He moved to a town that had a VA about 60 miles away. He would call me once in a while to say hello and tell me how he was doing. After about 10 months, he wanted to take my mushroom picking. I told him we could only do it if it was a group activity. Ha! I was trying to have boundaries. There was a bunch of stressful BS in my office and one day I just decided I would love him - who cared about my job. So we went mushroom picking and were married two months and two days later. Of course, I resigned my job and had to get a new career.
So my story is that I married a homeless, BPD meth addict.
It has been 6 years, two months and 15 days from the date we married to the date I filed the divorce papers. I think I have been going through those stages of grief for about 6 years now. I was in serious denial about how sick he was and how sick I was. Sometimes I was angry that I had chosen such a lousy person to marry. He embarrassed me. He was so enmeshed in that street person style of being in the world. Early on, I regretted my decision but I also loved him dearly. Still do, just can not stay with him. He punished me with silence in which I was somehow supposed to read his mind and know what he needed. WOW - What a ClusterF*
*! AND, he apparently could read my mind too. He never checked his perceptions with me, just assumed he was right. Well, a few weeks ago I got a call at work saying someone who looked like a homeless guy was telling people he was my husband. It was my husband. I stewed about this all day long. My pattern has been to silence the things I don't like to keep the peace. But this day I was just no longer willing to do that. So he told me about his visit to the clinic that day and I told him about my phone call. Then he raged. Then he gave me the complete silent treatment for the whole night. The next morning, I went outside to have a smoke with him. I said good morning. He said "morning" and then nothing. So I read my book. After a few minutes he said "is anything wrong". WHAT? I gave him the stink eye. Then he raged some more, then he pleaded for love. I said we are making each other miserable. He asked if I wanted him to leave or did I want to leave. I said I would leave. Then more tears, pleading, rage. All in the course of an hour. WOW.
I was bargaining for a few days but I felt so free at the possibility of escaping. It felt like my only chance to survive. I could not consider going back to the place where I say something nice and calming and reassure him of my love. Blehck!
So, a week ago, I moved out. It has been pretty torturous going back to get things. Lots of tears - poor little waif. I can't seem to cry. I love him AND I am free. I hope he will keep himself safe.
◾Post on the leaving board: Where are you in the grieving process?
I guess I am in the ANGER stage. I am disgusted by his tearfulness and poor waif stuff. I want to get my stuff out of his house and never see him again. One more load and a piano that I need to wait for a dolly to move. A week from today or sooner, I will be DONE.
◾Post on the leaving board: What do you struggle with most
I'm struggling with fear. I feel like I am responsible for his safety. He might suicide - who knows. That has been his pattern. Somehow, I think it is my fault he is in so much pain. I ruminate on it. I wake up in the middle of the night about it.
I hope for the highest good for all involved.
My best,
Lingering No More
"The call to adventure is the point in a person's life when they are first given notice that everything is going to change, whether they know it or not."-Joseph Campbell, The Hero's Journey
