Difficulty in dealing with breakup w/ partner

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

It's been a week since I've broken up with a partner who has many, if not all, BPD traits (and some NPD) and I'm really having a hard time coping with the residual effects of this 3 year + relationship. I'm incredibly lonely and depressed and I feel like I've been pretty much gutted. I'm questioning the validity of the entire relationship and I'm trying to understand why I stayed in such a destructive,dysfunctional condition for so long. Most of my needs were not met and I am angry with myself for allowing this to go on as long as it did when I knew it was wrong from the start. I'm also scared that if he contacts me this whole cycle will start again. At one point he was threatening suicide and I felt compelled to stay because I couldn't deal with it if it occurred. He's getting therapy so maybe he has moved on by now. This is the longest we've gone without speaking. I am really isolated with no support and feel so lost.  Thanks, Ania

[Ania]

Hello all,

It's been a week since I've broken up with a partner who has many, if not all, BPD traits (and some NPD) and I'm really having a hard time coping with the residual effects of this 3 year + relationship. I'm incredibly lonely and depressed and I feel like I've been pretty much gutted. I'm questioning the validity of the entire relationship and I'm trying to understand why I stayed in such a destructive,dysfunctional condition for so long. Most of my needs were not met and I am angry with myself for allowing this to go on as long as it did when I knew it was wrong from the start. I'm also scared that if he contacts me this whole cycle will start again. At one point he was threatening suicide and I felt compelled to stay because I couldn't deal with it if it occurred. He's getting therapy so maybe he has moved on by now. This is the longest we've gone without speaking. I am really isolated with no support and feel so lost.  Thanks, Ania

[Lonely_Astro]

Welcome to the board 

I'm sorry you're going through this.  The first few weeks are the hardest!  Have you two recycled before or is this the first breakup?  I ask because I am wondering. Most of the time, we've had several recycles before we find ourselves on this board.

If you're just starting to read about being involved with someone with psychological issues, read over the lessons on this site.  Also read about intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding.  That will help answer some of your "why did I stay so long" questions.  It's also possible that you found yourself enmeshed or codependent with your ex, too.  The 'why' is the hardest part. 

As time and distance move on, you'll find yourself asking a lot of questions.  You'll go through a range of emotions, as you are grieving.  You may not understand that just yet, but you have started the process.  Now is the time for you to heal. Don't rush it.  Everyone goes through it at a different pace. 

Keep posting.  Don't be afraid to ask questions, we've been there and done that

[Ania]

We've broken up, or have been on the verge of it, many times. This is the first time we haven't at least texted or called for this long of time. I'm sure I have some sort of co-dependent or enmeshment issues going on because I had a difficult childhood with a father who had a personality disorder, whether it was narcissism or anger issues, etc, I'm not sure. What bothers me so much is that I know it is harmful to be in but I couldn't seem to extricate myself from it even though I was miserable. 

[Lonely_Astro]

We've broken up, or have been on the verge of it, many times. This is the first time we haven't at least texted or called for this long of time. I'm sure I have some sort of co-dependent or enmeshment issues going on because I had a difficult childhood with a father who had a personality disorder, whether it was narcissism or anger issues, etc, I'm not sure. What bothers me so much is that I know it is harmful to be in but I couldn't seem to extricate myself from it even though I was miserable. 

My theory is FOO (family of origin) issues play a big part in why we stay.  We were 'caretakers' to a parent who had some sort of disorder and that makes us more susceptible to falling into a r/s with a disordered person.  But, choosing to stay in a r/s with a disordered person doesn't make us flawed.  People with disorders deserve love and respect, too. Of course, there comes a point where we have to realize this certain things are unhealthy for us and we have to move on.  You have done just that. 

I don't think any active member here would say they wanted to leave their ex.  I know I didn't.  If I knew, 100%, she would end up being who she appeared to be when we first started a year ago, I probably would've stuck around.  But, that's a fantasy.  My ex (J) is diagnosed BPD. She shows traits of NPD as well. She even touches a few ASPD ones to boot.  I have read many sites that seem to all conclude that a BPD w NPD traits are the most difficult to have an encounter with. Sounds like we are in a mutually exclusive club that no one wants to be in... .right?

I'll be the first to admit that I was addicted to J.  I was addicted to the r/s.  I still am, I think.  That's why I have to stay away from her.  Luckily with her N traits, that makes it easy.  She would want for me to crawl back to her so she could bask in me giving her her perceived power back. So, I have no urge to get back around her... .for my safety, really.

Taking note that the r/s is bad for you is a great first step!  Congrats on that!  Keep NC... .it gets better.

[Ania]

Thanks for the encouragement. It does feel like an addiction, doesn't it? Why else would we stay in something so obviously unhealthy for us?  It's so perplexing why we cling to something that we know isn't in our best interest. I don't know if I'll ever trust my decisions about men and dating ever again.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks for the encouragement. It does feel like an addiction, doesn't it? Why else would we stay in something so obviously unhealthy for us?  It's so perplexing why we cling to something that we know isn't in our best interest. I don't know if I'll ever trust my decisions about men and dating ever again.

It is, in essence, an addiction.  While I've never considered myself to be an addictive type of person (drugs, gambling, drinking, etc), J was my addiction.  I stuck around for so long because I had hope that it would work.  By the time the devaluing happened, she was so far imbedded in my head that I felt like I needed her.  Truth was (and is), I don't.  I felt like crap right after the split but now I feel so much better.  No stress.  I had soo much of it during our time together, especially at the end.  Every day was a fight... .literally.  She would pick an argument with me because I wanted to buy lunch.  Or that I wanted to take her to a nice place to eat over the weekend.  Or that I wanted to spend time with her.  It was ridiculous. 

In time, you will trust yourself again.  Just not right now and that's ok. You've been through a lot, so take it easy on yourself.  You've identified an issue within yourself to work on, which is a positive thing.  You're normal.