LC, Enmeshment and BPD Mother

[anon72]

Hi,

In a nutshell, I have gone LC with my mother over the last month (they live overseas from me), as I realized that she was uBPD about a month ago.  And realized that I needed some space in order to deal with a lot of my issues - that had come from the lack of unconditional love/splitting/never being enough etc.  Always knew that something was wrong, but never really made sense until about one month ago.  Had tried to tell myself for so long that we had a perfect family (because that is what my mum told me for so long) - and somehow it was my fault - because I was "angry" - I guess.  Because that is what I had been told my whole life by my family.  And no matter what I did - it was never enough - even when I wasn't angry anymore.  I realized in a breakthrough conversation last night (with my Therapist) - that one of the reasons that I was angry (apart from my childhood) - was mainly that I was never taken seriously in my family.  My two younger sisters who are enmeshed with my mother could say anything - she would side with them - and if I disagreed - I would be told that I was being angry - and invalidate my feelings etc.  Which gets old pretty quickly - and finally realized what it was a month ago.

Anyways, it seems that she realizes that something is wrong (because I have backed off and no longer have skype calls with her - just short messages) - and is desperately reaching out to my older sister and I (both who were have been the "all bad" members of the family) - as we are not enmeshed as much as she would like - whereas my younger two sisters are living their lives at the beck and call of my mother.  One lives down the road and does all her grocery shopping etc. etc.  And the other talks to her numerous times a day - and is like her saviour about every little thing.  My mum is 72 - is retired - and has too much time on her hands.  

Up until about a few weeks ago - I was getting all sorts of comments on my facebook photos.  Basically, we love you so much, you are such a talented son, etc. etc.  just in the comments section - where she has never really shown an interest in anything before like that. Never even liked my photos until now - from memory.  Or been interested in any of my hobbies or otherwise.  To make it clearer - my BPD mother is all about appearances- about looking like she is the perfect mother to everyone else out there.  So I limited her contact to my facebook page - as I couldn't deal with this stuff anymore.  It was getting ridiculous.  One person says nice photo - and then my mum writes some long comment ... . It probably doesn't sound horrible, but she has done this her whole life - appearances to others on the outside is most important - then not really be interested otherwise.  

So now I am getting these desperate messages - we are worried about you - we love you - you are a wonderful son (about every two days).  And my sister is getting all these e-cards.  I feel sorry for her - and I know it relates to her issues of abandonment - and being worried that I am actually pushing away from her - which is probably clear - as I am being fairly clinical about my responses, although still being positive.  I usually respond a day or two later.  And feel bad that I am backing away from her, even though I need it.  It feels like a catch-22.

Anyways, I am tired of all the drama in my family - my sister is in the middle of her thesis and she gets all of these e-cards all the time - and not one question about how is her thesis going?  ie. lack of real interest in her. I backed off in order to get my stuff sorted, but all of these obsessive emails get tiring.  Am not really sure that my LC is actually helping that much when I constantly have to deal with this type of message - that really is not about me - it is about her.  I am trying to heal and get my life back on track - as I have struggled with "not enough" thoughts for most of my life - and finally realized why.  Am spending lots of time talking to a therapist etc. etc.  On a positive note, I feel like I am gradually getting better, slowly but surely

I guess that I am getting better at dealing with the messages each time - brush them off a bit better as her issue.  But just wondering if anyone else has any tips/suggestions with this?  Thanks in advance.

[anon72]

I was just looking back at my post.  I know that relatively speaking - it doesn't seem that bad (compared to the experiences of many others here) - my mother is acting relatively "nice", but is all a "controlling game".  She just wants us all to be enmeshed and her to know everything that is going on in our lives. She struggles if any of us become independent and are not sharing everything with her, because she wants us all to be stuck in her web.

She tried to control me for so long - that is just plays with my mind - and I think about it way too much.  I am trying to move on, but have learnt many coping mechanisms from her - which is unfortunate (but at least I realize).  And am working on trying to be a happy person who gives himself a lot of self-love - but is taking time.  At times I feel extremely angry at her and my dad for not actually supporting or standing up for us - and then other times I feel sorry for her.  But at the end of the day - I am working like crazy to find my peace with myself after all these years, as the whole "never good enough" affected my sense of self-worth for the longest time. 

The controlling/manipulation and all that stuff - I hate that with a passion - guess that I react to that (well - she doesn't know that anymore) - but still do to some extent.  Hope that it will continue to trigger me less over time and that time will heal everything.  If she actually cared about me and actually listened to what I thought/my opinions etc. - it would be a different "kettle of fish".  However, as we all know, it will never be different, as she has a sickness.

Thanks for listening, just needed to add to what I wrote before, as I was thinking about it some more and wanted to get it out.

[koseligb]

Hi! I am also currently in LC with my uBPD mother, so I can sympathize with your feelings. My husband and I are in marriage counseling right now trying to see if we can figure out a way to find a solution we're both comfortable with as far as how to navigate the dysfunctional relationship we have with my parents (among other things). The MC has been really tough for me, and I'm really resentful of her (and my Dad, who is her enabler) for the hurt they've caused our relationship and marriage time and time again.

I usually send innocuous texts to my mom just to keep the lines of communication open (basic check-ins of what I'm up to a couple times a week). My husband and I used to use the Life360 app for a measure of safety when I would go running by myself, and eventually his parents and my parents joined in on the "family circle". We recently decided to uninstall it and now uBPD mother is asking why I'm not on there anymore - I told her we felt it was healthier for H and I to not know each other's whereabouts 24/7, and she responded "hopefully it was nothing Dad or I did". I just don't have the energy yet to have that discussion to tell her that, um, yes, actually, you are both helping to break down the most important relationship in my life.

Anyways, probably not helpful for you, but I obviously have some venting I need to do. I'm glad you are trying to set some boundaries for yourself. It's important to know when you need space to process your thoughts and feelings - make sure you put yourself first. 

[claudiaduffy]

She tried to control me for so long - that is just plays with my mind - and I think about it way too much.  I am trying to move on, but have learnt many coping mechanisms from her - which is unfortunate (but at least I realize). 

Hi, anon72!

I cannot remember for the life of me what movie it was, but there was a scene where the good guys were trapped - in a bank safe or something, a small locked room equipped with a phone inside. The bad guys were outside and the good guys had reason to believe that the bad guys had taken a loved one hostage. The phone rings. The good guys realize that if they do not pick up the phone, the bad guys cannot play their hostage card. So they don't answer the phone, and instead concentrate all their energy on trying to get out of their trap on their own terms.

My own uBPDmom has recently died, and we are now NC with my uBPDmil because of her extremely aggressive tactics when we employed good boundaries with her, but even when we were LC with both of them, that movie scene gave me a lot of courage when it came to handling their unwelcome and controlling communications. I realized that, for me, it wasn't always enough to just not respond to the emails and Facebook comments - because I was still spending hours responding in my own mind. At some point I gave myself permission to delete emails without reading them, and to delete FB posts without feeling I owed anyone an explanation.

The email thing, with my uBPDmil, revealed something really interesting to me - I had developed a kind of a need to read them as a way to reassure myself that their behavior was still toxic and that I was still justified in rejecting the toxic behavior. It was like poking a sore tooth with my tongue just to keep feeling its soreness. But when I forced myself to let the emails pile up for a month without reading them (we had told her that the only way we would communicate that year was by physical mail), and then just scanned them briefly before deleting them, I grew confident that there really was absolutely no need for me to read them at all. Just like the good guys in the safe refusing to answer the phone, I could refuse to participate in my mil trying to take my emotions hostage. It was a hugely freeing change, though it took several months before I practiced it consistently and stopped poking that sore tooth. 

[anon72]

Hi! I am also currently in LC with my uBPD mother, so I can sympathize with your feelings. My husband and I are in marriage counseling right now trying to see if we can figure out a way to find a solution we're both comfortable with as far as how to navigate the dysfunctional relationship we have with my parents (among other things). The MC has been really tough for me, and I'm really resentful of her (and my Dad, who is her enabler) for the hurt they've caused our relationship and marriage time and time again.

I usually send innocuous texts to my mom just to keep the lines of communication open (basic check-ins of what I'm up to a couple times a week). My husband and I used to use the Life360 app for a measure of safety when I would go running by myself, and eventually his parents and my parents joined in on the "family circle". We recently decided to uninstall it and now uBPD mother is asking why I'm not on there anymore - I told her we felt it was healthier for H and I to not know each other's whereabouts 24/7, and she responded "hopefully it was nothing Dad or I did". I just don't have the energy yet to have that discussion to tell her that, um, yes, actually, you are both helping to break down the most important relationship in my life.

Anyways, probably not helpful for you, but I obviously have some venting I need to do. I'm glad you are trying to set some boundaries for yourself. It's important to know when you need space to process your thoughts and feelings - make sure you put yourself first.  

Thanks for sharing Kose, not at all, we all have venting to do (that is why we are here)  To vent and support each other.  Good luck with your journey and the marriage counselling - can imagine how that the dysfunctional relationship with your parents could get in the way of a healthy marriage (even though I have never been married).  I can also imagine that the family circle app would be pretty intense, no way I could do that.

Please keep setting boundaries for yourself and put yourself first.  Take care, Anon72

[anon72]

She tried to control me for so long - that is just plays with my mind - and I think about it way too much.  I am trying to move on, but have learnt many coping mechanisms from her - which is unfortunate (but at least I realize). 

Hi, anon72!

I cannot remember for the life of me what movie it was, but there was a scene where the good guys were trapped - in a bank safe or something, a small locked room equipped with a phone inside. The bad guys were outside and the good guys had reason to believe that the bad guys had taken a loved one hostage. The phone rings. The good guys realize that if they do not pick up the phone, the bad guys cannot play their hostage card. So they don't answer the phone, and instead concentrate all their energy on trying to get out of their trap on their own terms.

My own uBPDmom has recently died, and we are now NC with my uBPDmil because of her extremely aggressive tactics when we employed good boundaries with her, but even when we were LC with both of them, that movie scene gave me a lot of courage when it came to handling their unwelcome and controlling communications. I realized that, for me, it wasn't always enough to just not respond to the emails and Facebook comments - because I was still spending hours responding in my own mind. At some point I gave myself permission to delete emails without reading them, and to delete FB posts without feeling I owed anyone an explanation.

The email thing, with my uBPDmil, revealed something really interesting to me - I had developed a kind of a need to read them as a way to reassure myself that their behavior was still toxic and that I was still justified in rejecting the toxic behavior. It was like poking a sore tooth with my tongue just to keep feeling its soreness. But when I forced myself to let the emails pile up for a month without reading them (we had told her that the only way we would communicate that year was by physical mail), and then just scanned them briefly before deleting them, I grew confident that there really was absolutely no need for me to read them at all. Just like the good guys in the safe refusing to answer the phone, I could refuse to participate in my mil trying to take my emotions hostage. It was a hugely freeing change, though it took several months before I practiced it consistently and stopped poking that sore tooth. 

Thank you ClaudiaDuffy for sharing, really appreciated you sharing your thoughts and that movie, makes sense.  The email thing, makes perfect sense, good idea, I am going to work at not allowing my uBPD mother to take my emotions hostage by deleting her email and not focusing on her as much. 

On a positive note, I don't really think about her as much lately (have been LC for almost 3 months), except for my inner critic/terrorist (which she helped to create) :D  In other words, she has left a footprint on me, but I am learning to work on this on a daily basis (as the most important thing - am being selfish - is that I need to look after myself for the first time in my life - rather than people-please). 

Take care and all the best on this journey - don't forget to look after yourself!

[Panda39]

anon72,

I recognize that, things look normal to the outside world but really are manipulative, stuff. 

I come at BPD from a different angle.  My SO has a uBPDxw and we try to assist his daughters negotiate their mother. 

I have an example of that it looks "normal" but isn't... .

D19 was very LC with her mom and D15 was LC (neither girl wanting to spend time with mom in person but there was some electronic communication).  Mom was using D15 for information on D19.  D15 was resisting this and was setting boundaries around that so mom began to resort to bribery.  Mom began to promise D15 a tablet she used this as leverage to get D15 to do what she wanted her to do.  Eventually mom said she'd be bringing the tablet over.  She arrived with the tablet and gave it to D19!

So on the surface it looked like such a great gift, mom is so generous to give such a expensive and very desired gift.

But really, that tablet was a tool used to manipulate, divide and conquer the girls, and bribery.  That tablet was just toxic.  My SO talked with both girls about this "gift" and all the strings attached and they decided to return the tablet which they did.  I was so proud of them for not buying the BS that came with that tablet and for showing their love for themselves and each other.

So you are not alone in the "Keeping up Appearances" junk that is completely disingenuous.  Good for you for recognizing the phony baloney!

Panda39

[Starting_Over]

It may seem like she is being nice, but if you are not comfortable with it then it is not ok. I left my dad on my facebook friend list after I went no contact for a short period of time so that  no one would get suspious. However, he kept on liking my posts, and and saying happy birthday, so I quietly blocked him.

You shouldn't worry about your sisters, because they have to set up their own boundaries with your mom. My sister tries to guilt me about being no contact, but her happiness is not my responsibility.